So I am up and working right night at the treatment center I work at. I typically NEVER work graves but I like to help people out and this is only 6 hours and I don't have a ton going on until noon tomorrow. That being said, it is way too quiet and I can't put on music really so I might as well write. Since I am avoiding the load of readings I brought with me and I have yet only got through one. I still have about 2 hours but I thought maybe writing for a few minutes might help.
I have been thinking a lot lately about where I have come from, not in spiritual terms or what not as that is something that is honestly too scary for me to think about but as far as in my life. I have also thought about where do I want to go because I have a lot of change approaching and before I know it it will be here. I am not saying I am really worrying about it right now and am scared at this moment to where it occupies my life but it does come into play every day.
I think that is normal and even can be healthy to look back at your past and future to analyze what has happened and where you have come so you can set goals, appreciate where you have come from, what you have and where you can make changes. I don't think it is healthy to judge it all and think of everything as black and white and be ,"Oh I messed up my whole life because I went into treatment and had to take off a semester of school, struggled getting what I think are good grades and will never get into graduate school....." That was me for so long and some days I get back into that whole mind set to where one little thing even in that week I think will mess me up for ever-I know totally catastrophic thinking errors here as well. It is human to make mistakes, mess up in whatever that may look to you, or to take a completely different path than what you or family expect. We are socialized, here in the US at least that mistakes are not ok. Perfect lives don't exist. What you see is perfect in someones life may not be perfect to that someone. Perfect looks different to everyone and though for the longest time early on once I started recovering from my eating disorder I hated it when people said, "perfect" and said something almost every time they did. It was really bad. I still had that high standard for me but not anyone else-naturally. I still do to some extent, and always will.
Even though I am symptom free, I honestly think that recovery is harder now. I thought stopping the behaviors were HARD but dealing with the raw, scary, and unspeakable problems is even harder because it is easier to just ignore them and try to move on. I kept saying to myself for a while, "I dealt with the behaviors I will deal with whatever emotional part I see fit because I am doing good now. I am in school, doing things I love to do when I have time, working etc.... Well that part I am just letting go because I know I am doing well. I am working and doing school. I got a 3.87 GPA last semester as well, the first time back on the Dean's List since I got out of treatment over years ago. I just started going back to yoga regularly with a friend now that my body is not in pain from other medical problems. yadadada. I do know however, that I could be happier, that I don't have to be nearly has stressed as I do or have change in my schedule affect my emotions. I don't need to have bad depression days, maybe I can have none at all. It used to be every day. It isn't anymore so it is possible. Hell, maybe my insomnia can get better more. I could spend more time with my partner having fun and less us problem solving ways to make it through the day. The possibilities are limitless. I shouldn't let myself get to this point and be "good enough." I know that things can be better.
I wouldn't tell those I love or care about that where they are at now is where they should stay. You should never stop pushing yourself because we as humans we can always grow. If we make a mistake or fall it is ok. If we take a completely different path it is ok. I know that I can do more to help myself improve in my life. That is why I recently pushed myself to get back into yoga. Yes, will I have to push myself to go and also to go do other things with friends and get out more. It is scary but that is life. You never know what can happen..good or bad. Would you rather live life like a sitting duck or live it like a butterfly? If you know me, you know my answer.
<3 p="">
Friday, February 1, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
It's just another year. 2013
It is just another year. The world didn't end as many thought it would or the Mayan's predicted. The days just continue to a new month and the year goes from 2012 to 2013. I think for me that the realization of this is huge. For so many the New Year is filled with sooo many resolutions to lose weight, change this about themselves or some other goal that seems to rarely be reached. I think I may be a little more irritated than usual this year due to my work and school doing the Biggest Loser Challenge with the one at my work as a contest with weekly weigh-ins. HELLO I am done with those and NEVER again! I know for myself I can't do it. I am at healthy just as I am and will NOT subject myself to such torture. I used to do this and make goals to lose this much, exercise so much and change who I am. Let me just say this: It isn't worth it. Most people know that I believe with my heart and sole that diets and crazy exercising don't work. Now I don't think making fitness goals or goals to eat healthier is bad at all I just prefer to make goals year-round that are smaller and attainable. For example, I want to start getting back into yoga as it has physical and mental benefits.
Life is more than just going through the motions of it. For many years it was wake up, go to school, homework, bed, repeat. I would fit in food, family and friends if and when I felt like it. Now that isn't only not healthy but it isn't living. It also isn't necessarily showing empathy or being considerate to those who love me and support me. I am a human not a robot. For so long this was my life due to school and having a set schedule and now work added on. Now even though I still have a set schedule with work and school. I try to thrive rather than survive, although some days I only survive, as it is life. The word thrive has beautiful definitions: to grow vigorously, to gain in wealth or possessions, or my favorite one, to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. So to thrive, I try to relax, watch a TV show or two and eat dinner with my partner. We even will turn on the TV sometimes while doing homework or music. I plan to go out and spend time with my family or partner on the weekends or when I don't work. I am more considerate of how my schedule affects my partner and she and I both deserve and need time together as part of our relationship. I also regularly spend time with my parents, who I used to avoid at any cost. I think many people in society these days have to work a lot and have several things on their schedule for many reasons: economy, kids,schooling, and multiple jobs. I also think it is an active battle to balance a schedule, know what is too much and how to thrive.
So school just started again and it is my last semester before I graduate with my degree. I am really psyched and proud of myself because of all the barriers I have had to overcome and still are overcoming. I am proud I am doing it in three and a half years because I had to take time off for treatment and still graduating with my class. I am REALLY proud of my partner doing it in three years and graduating a year early! I am still working and actually have increased days/hours so it will be a challenge to manage it this semester. However, I have my voice and will speak up to my boss if I need to decrease my hours. She already told me she'd work with me. Right there, I am setting my limits too as I know what will be too much. I really love work at the treatment center with the teens. I really like giving back and being at a healthy place where I can. I have to keep myself in balance and continue to thrive so that I stay in a good place. Now yes, I still have my struggles and am pushing myself but I am also thriving, experiencing freedom, and being me! I never thought it would happen. So here is what I look forward to and goals for 2013.
Life is more than just going through the motions of it. For many years it was wake up, go to school, homework, bed, repeat. I would fit in food, family and friends if and when I felt like it. Now that isn't only not healthy but it isn't living. It also isn't necessarily showing empathy or being considerate to those who love me and support me. I am a human not a robot. For so long this was my life due to school and having a set schedule and now work added on. Now even though I still have a set schedule with work and school. I try to thrive rather than survive, although some days I only survive, as it is life. The word thrive has beautiful definitions: to grow vigorously, to gain in wealth or possessions, or my favorite one, to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. So to thrive, I try to relax, watch a TV show or two and eat dinner with my partner. We even will turn on the TV sometimes while doing homework or music. I plan to go out and spend time with my family or partner on the weekends or when I don't work. I am more considerate of how my schedule affects my partner and she and I both deserve and need time together as part of our relationship. I also regularly spend time with my parents, who I used to avoid at any cost. I think many people in society these days have to work a lot and have several things on their schedule for many reasons: economy, kids,schooling, and multiple jobs. I also think it is an active battle to balance a schedule, know what is too much and how to thrive.
So school just started again and it is my last semester before I graduate with my degree. I am really psyched and proud of myself because of all the barriers I have had to overcome and still are overcoming. I am proud I am doing it in three and a half years because I had to take time off for treatment and still graduating with my class. I am REALLY proud of my partner doing it in three years and graduating a year early! I am still working and actually have increased days/hours so it will be a challenge to manage it this semester. However, I have my voice and will speak up to my boss if I need to decrease my hours. She already told me she'd work with me. Right there, I am setting my limits too as I know what will be too much. I really love work at the treatment center with the teens. I really like giving back and being at a healthy place where I can. I have to keep myself in balance and continue to thrive so that I stay in a good place. Now yes, I still have my struggles and am pushing myself but I am also thriving, experiencing freedom, and being me! I never thought it would happen. So here is what I look forward to and goals for 2013.
2013
- Graduating in May with my Bachelors in Psychology
- Beginning yoga again to help gain strength and flexibility back(Hopefully with a friend)
- Travel during the summer SOMEWHERE with my partner
- Hopefully go to California in July (or around there).
- Blog weekly
- Begin to paint more frequently again
- Stay connected to more friends and supports
- Have FUN more often
- Stay healthy medically!
- Deciding where my partner and I are moving after our lease is up in July
- All of our TV shows especially Grey's Anatomy and GLEE!
- Getting my butterfly and my recovery tattoos touched up and maybe get my other one I want.
- Continue reading books I enjoy on top of textbooks
- Find new music I like (Suggestions are welcome)
- Continue to move forward towards my therapeutic goals in therapy
- Get outdoors more (when it isn't 9 degrees outside)!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
There's no turning back
Over the past couple months, since about August, I made some decisions that really did change my life in multiple ways in both good and bad and I am really proud that I did. I have no regrets whatsoever. At the end of summer there was a lot of drama going on with cheer and frankly I was starting to become bullied and people were being passive aggressive towards me for many months. Bullying is something I went through all through elementary through high school and it has played a huge role in who I am today, has made me stronger but it has also caused some of my challenges and PTSD. At first I decided I would just take it, but what message was I giving myself? That it ok for others to treat me this way and I just deal with it? I loved cheer and I miss it so much, especially some of the people on the team. I wanna make it clear that there were only four people that were really being negative towards me everything Cheer Salt Lake is NOT about supposedly. I decided after one practice of being "confronted" more like yelled at and blamed for everything and them also hating on Kelsey that I would not take it. I couldn't stop crying and I went back to the days I was in school being bullied; it was all the same. I quit the next day after crying about it for hours. I knew I had to do it for me.
That decision was one of the hardest decisions I made in my life. I say that because I did something to stand up for me and say, "NO this is NOT okay." I really miss it especially because it was a way I redefined my relationship with exercise from ED but I am now working on getting my physical health taken care of so I can go back to swimming or yoga. Easier on my joints and my asthma. I've also had to learn through this that I have got to be patient with myself. My body can only do so much. For years it was tortured, which was not my fault but then I beat it up and didn't treat it well either. I didn't nourish it or care for it like it needed but now I am REALLY grateful that my body is still here and alive for me. It is strong and gets stronger the longer I stay healthy and the more I continue to take care of it like seeing the doctors for my back pain from previous car accidents. By treating it well, even though I have to be patient I am going to get more out of it and not injure it again or further. I also started working at a substance abuse treatment center for teens about two months ago and working there has helped my self-esteem, confidence, and has continued to help me stay motivated in my own recovery.
Even though I have done really well the past couple years and haven't engaged in behaviors doesn't mean it is easy for me at all. The thoughts and feelings are still there just the outer unhealthy coping methods not so much. I am so thankful for those that have helped me during my journey and for my time at CFC and other treatment/therapy I have had the gift to receive. Not everyone is privileged and gets a second chance at life or even a third or fourth. I am so grateful for it and so grateful for all of my friends and everyone I have met through this battle too as I know people who have lost their lives. I refuse to waste this chance. I may still hit a bump here or there, have a bad day every now or then but I know I can do this. I will achieve my goals. Yes, I am really scared because after this year when I graduate with my bachelors in May I have no clue what will happen or where I will be (with Kelsey but other than that who knows). But I do know I will have Kelsey, my family and my recovery. The rest of it will figure the rest of itself out.
That decision was one of the hardest decisions I made in my life. I say that because I did something to stand up for me and say, "NO this is NOT okay." I really miss it especially because it was a way I redefined my relationship with exercise from ED but I am now working on getting my physical health taken care of so I can go back to swimming or yoga. Easier on my joints and my asthma. I've also had to learn through this that I have got to be patient with myself. My body can only do so much. For years it was tortured, which was not my fault but then I beat it up and didn't treat it well either. I didn't nourish it or care for it like it needed but now I am REALLY grateful that my body is still here and alive for me. It is strong and gets stronger the longer I stay healthy and the more I continue to take care of it like seeing the doctors for my back pain from previous car accidents. By treating it well, even though I have to be patient I am going to get more out of it and not injure it again or further. I also started working at a substance abuse treatment center for teens about two months ago and working there has helped my self-esteem, confidence, and has continued to help me stay motivated in my own recovery.
Even though I have done really well the past couple years and haven't engaged in behaviors doesn't mean it is easy for me at all. The thoughts and feelings are still there just the outer unhealthy coping methods not so much. I am so thankful for those that have helped me during my journey and for my time at CFC and other treatment/therapy I have had the gift to receive. Not everyone is privileged and gets a second chance at life or even a third or fourth. I am so grateful for it and so grateful for all of my friends and everyone I have met through this battle too as I know people who have lost their lives. I refuse to waste this chance. I may still hit a bump here or there, have a bad day every now or then but I know I can do this. I will achieve my goals. Yes, I am really scared because after this year when I graduate with my bachelors in May I have no clue what will happen or where I will be (with Kelsey but other than that who knows). But I do know I will have Kelsey, my family and my recovery. The rest of it will figure the rest of itself out.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
I'm back!
So I took my blog down for a while because I was searching for a job and worried about it. I also was debating of switching to wordpress or to stop blogging until grad school applications are sent and know what is happening. I have now found out I can delete the link between my Goggle account. So I did that. I will actually post a real post tomorrow as I do have a post that I want to but am leaving soon to head up to Park City with my mom and Kelsey for a rally. Love you all.
Friday, June 29, 2012
One day I will be free
So I haven't really posted on here much lately for a few reason. 1) I haven't really been in the best place to write. 2) I have been tremendously busy with life since I've been back from Thailand. 3) I just needed a break. So To be honest things have kinda gotten hard for me again. I've started to struggle more than usual with negative body image thoughts and negative self-talk. Oh and Ed is trying to take control over food again but thanks to Kelsey still staying on track for the most part.
Struggling. I try to avoid that word and having to do that. I rather hide and put a mask on. Pretend everything is okay but where does that get me? What do I learn; what am I showing others around me? I don't know if I affect others in my life and help them but I try to do my best and use my skills, not just give up and throw down the towel. Easier said than done though. I learn that if I let others in, by trusting them, that it does get easier to get back on track and to just be me. I don't have to be strong and happy all the time. I am human too. I am not perfect and don't know everything, even just about myself. It's okay to struggle and even okay to ask for help. What a concept! It's taken me years and years to grasp that, but with practice and more practice it has gotten easier. My friends, family, those I have met in Tennessee, at CFC and after and those from school have helped me learn this and how to trust. Without others in my life I wouldn't be able to do what I do today, such as be in school, cheer again, be happy with my family, more content with my body (most days), majority of the time ED is gone and I feel and experience more freedom each and every day. Maybe and hopefully I will get into graduate school next year for psych but maybe not. I will work about that come this fall/spring. However, slowly it does get better.
My blog is titled: Courage, Strength and Healing. I truly believe with courage and strength healing is possible but you don't just get courage and strength automatically or alone. I believe that it is necessary to ask for others to help you along the way. Some will help you for a reason, a season or a lifetime. In time I know I will have be free from Ed. He might be around in a sense I must live with appropriate caution but maybe he will go away completely. I won't worry about it until I come to that point. Sometimes I envision myself standing at a wall, but I have a wall that is not solid but has cracks in it. I have a wall that has a end to it and is climbable with support from those around me. It is a somewhat clear wall; I see what I want but not all of the details. I will get over to the other side one day at a time. I believe any person can overcome any obstacle in their life. It just takes practice and time. Don't get up. You're never alone and there are always people around to support you. One step at a time.
A dear friend of mine that has helped me so much in my journey, especially lately recently wrote an amzing blog and I want to share it.
Humility a lesson from a great mentor
Struggling. I try to avoid that word and having to do that. I rather hide and put a mask on. Pretend everything is okay but where does that get me? What do I learn; what am I showing others around me? I don't know if I affect others in my life and help them but I try to do my best and use my skills, not just give up and throw down the towel. Easier said than done though. I learn that if I let others in, by trusting them, that it does get easier to get back on track and to just be me. I don't have to be strong and happy all the time. I am human too. I am not perfect and don't know everything, even just about myself. It's okay to struggle and even okay to ask for help. What a concept! It's taken me years and years to grasp that, but with practice and more practice it has gotten easier. My friends, family, those I have met in Tennessee, at CFC and after and those from school have helped me learn this and how to trust. Without others in my life I wouldn't be able to do what I do today, such as be in school, cheer again, be happy with my family, more content with my body (most days), majority of the time ED is gone and I feel and experience more freedom each and every day. Maybe and hopefully I will get into graduate school next year for psych but maybe not. I will work about that come this fall/spring. However, slowly it does get better.
My blog is titled: Courage, Strength and Healing. I truly believe with courage and strength healing is possible but you don't just get courage and strength automatically or alone. I believe that it is necessary to ask for others to help you along the way. Some will help you for a reason, a season or a lifetime. In time I know I will have be free from Ed. He might be around in a sense I must live with appropriate caution but maybe he will go away completely. I won't worry about it until I come to that point. Sometimes I envision myself standing at a wall, but I have a wall that is not solid but has cracks in it. I have a wall that has a end to it and is climbable with support from those around me. It is a somewhat clear wall; I see what I want but not all of the details. I will get over to the other side one day at a time. I believe any person can overcome any obstacle in their life. It just takes practice and time. Don't get up. You're never alone and there are always people around to support you. One step at a time.
A dear friend of mine that has helped me so much in my journey, especially lately recently wrote an amzing blog and I want to share it.
Humility a lesson from a great mentor
Thursday, May 24, 2012
thailand highlights
- i have gotten to learn about a new culture and have broadened my mind about ways of life and about the world
- i have learned more and developed more global citizenship skills
- i have been to some amazing and beutiful buddhist wats and the grrand palace among with many temples and other wonderful places
- i have gotten to do some amazing service work with children and thai students and had the chance to learn from others and gotten more from them then what i have done. i have helped with building concrete strructures to clean water for a village and children, paint teacher's dorms, and garden. i have supported local economies buy buying hand madde goods and textiles. though some of this will only make a short change and doesn't change the world it does help...oh and treated lice and done health assessments on children.
- i have learned some Thai language and more about the food and Buddhism...i love Buddhism.
- i have absolutely had some of the best time of my life and learned so much.
- i have met some of the most amazing people from my school, Suan Dusit University in Thailand and all the children, villagers, policeman and everyone i have come across from.
- i have gotten out of my comfort zone.
- i have learned that i can handle recovery away from home and i can also be away from Kelsey and my parents. Never been gone this long without contact or visits. it has been hard but i amdoing pretty good.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Thailand Bound!
This time tomorrow I will be on a plane to San Francisco, Taipei and then onto Thailand nearly 24hrs flying total between 3 flights. I am going as part of a May term class that the focus of the study experience as copied from the course description, "to explore concepts in global citizenship and responsibility in the 21st
century by understanding the educational, health and developmental needs
of rural Thai citizens as well as indigenous populations through
cultural immersion and active participation in service projects designed
to provide benefits to the local peoples. Students will participate in
service projects in two distinct rural Thai villages, one near the
Burmese border in Mae Sot, and one in the rural Northeast near Khon
Kaen, that will help alleviate some of the health, educational and
developmental issues present, while staying with local families within
the villages. Other activities will include tours of historically
significant sites in Thailand, sightseeing in Bangkok as well as
spending a day with Burmese refugee children at a refugee school and
visiting an HIV/AIDS hospice." So what do I really expect out of this trip for myself personally but also just what the hell do I think is going to happen beyond the course description.
If it is one thing that I know for sure, at least in my case, I learn more outside and between classes than ever in the classroom. I really thrive in the 'real world' hands on applications, and just doing something. So will I be changing the world over there? No. Will I make a difference to someone or to some community? I hope so but there is never a guarantee. I can set out and do the motions of the trip and all but doing that doesn't mean I will learn anything. I am going into this trip feeling so many different things.
I am feeling scared for being away from home and my partner for so long. I am nervous about being in a new culture and adapting but also excited for it. I am grateful for the opportunity given to me to go by my family, especially my parents, and also for my recovery as 3 years ago when I wanted and begged to go on this trip they said. "no" because I wasn't healthy. Now 3 years later with some major things changed and some still a work in progress, as I am not perfect and this is a long marathon, I get to go. I am anxious to be around so many new people but thankful I have connected kinda with 1 or 2. Others I know a little from our fundraiser events but excited to hopefully make more friends. I am kinda glad I will be disconnected mainly from the rest of the world and my life. I am eager to learn so much about Thailand, the language, Thai and Buddhist culture and everything in between. Glad I am bringing my journal too as internet access will be limited to hotels and not so much in the villages. However, if anyone wants to keep up with my trip they should follow this blog: Thailand Blog where we are all going to be writing blogs occassionally, have already posted some great research about Thailand.I did mine on mental health care (to describe it in general terms) in Thailand and it can be found here: Mental Health Care In Thailand. If you have a Facebook there will be pictures posted on the May term Facebook page where you can 'like' it and it will show up in your newsfeed if there are new stuff here: Facebook Page
So I think all in all, yes I have some much going in my head but I think in the end I am just taking it as it comes. One thing at a time and I know I will be ok and thrive. I know I have the courage within myself to do this and the strength to be gone away from home and sustain recovery. It is 24 days long but I will be ok. So until June don't expect a call, text, or email, FB etc. Some of you will get them probably anyways the day I land but I will have major jet lag come May30th from 20+ hours of flying and Bangkok is 13hrs ahead so I will be losing all of that come then too. I can do this.
Devyn
If it is one thing that I know for sure, at least in my case, I learn more outside and between classes than ever in the classroom. I really thrive in the 'real world' hands on applications, and just doing something. So will I be changing the world over there? No. Will I make a difference to someone or to some community? I hope so but there is never a guarantee. I can set out and do the motions of the trip and all but doing that doesn't mean I will learn anything. I am going into this trip feeling so many different things.
I am feeling scared for being away from home and my partner for so long. I am nervous about being in a new culture and adapting but also excited for it. I am grateful for the opportunity given to me to go by my family, especially my parents, and also for my recovery as 3 years ago when I wanted and begged to go on this trip they said. "no" because I wasn't healthy. Now 3 years later with some major things changed and some still a work in progress, as I am not perfect and this is a long marathon, I get to go. I am anxious to be around so many new people but thankful I have connected kinda with 1 or 2. Others I know a little from our fundraiser events but excited to hopefully make more friends. I am kinda glad I will be disconnected mainly from the rest of the world and my life. I am eager to learn so much about Thailand, the language, Thai and Buddhist culture and everything in between. Glad I am bringing my journal too as internet access will be limited to hotels and not so much in the villages. However, if anyone wants to keep up with my trip they should follow this blog: Thailand Blog where we are all going to be writing blogs occassionally, have already posted some great research about Thailand.I did mine on mental health care (to describe it in general terms) in Thailand and it can be found here: Mental Health Care In Thailand. If you have a Facebook there will be pictures posted on the May term Facebook page where you can 'like' it and it will show up in your newsfeed if there are new stuff here: Facebook Page
So I think all in all, yes I have some much going in my head but I think in the end I am just taking it as it comes. One thing at a time and I know I will be ok and thrive. I know I have the courage within myself to do this and the strength to be gone away from home and sustain recovery. It is 24 days long but I will be ok. So until June don't expect a call, text, or email, FB etc. Some of you will get them probably anyways the day I land but I will have major jet lag come May30th from 20+ hours of flying and Bangkok is 13hrs ahead so I will be losing all of that come then too. I can do this.
Devyn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)