Change is happening

So I have realized I have not posted on here in forever but I have been writing thankfully maybe that is why things have been changing but need to write on here too more since I love it. Well anyways life has been hard but good. I have really realized a lot in the past few weeks and especially the last week or so. One of my biggest problems that causes a lot more problems is isolation from friends, family and social situations however in the past week or so that hasn't been a problem. Omg is has been hard and uncomfortable especially finding new friends and then even trusting them with the basics but I am doing it and will keep working on it. It has been a journey to do it and I am sure it will not instantly get easier or stay like this but I hope it does. Also I am working on doing more things that are for me and involve what I love which includes dancing, painting, blogging, running (once I get approval again), guitar, singing, writing, and playing and doing things with my nephew. It is awesome to be able to, first of all realize I miss those and now actually try to do those. I will do them not just think about trying them because really trying doesn't get you anywhere. It is all about choice. I also have been thinking about some of my friends that I have and I include those that I don't see much but always know they will be there to have my back and to forget about those others who may hurt me again or aren't good for me so I have delted over 200 "friends" on facebook and still working on it. It is hard cause I hate that I have to do that but I need to and was kind of "homework". Those of you who need to know what that means should already know. I have really been working on listening to my heart more and relying on my faith which is hard because sometimes I ask myself, "If God loves me and has a plan for me and all this, why would he put me through all the pain I have had to deal with in my life and even to the point of where I attempted to kill myself many times and cause me so much pain?" I am still working on that one because that one is actually very hard for me to deal with because it was a huge part of my life for most of my life and have blocked it out almost completely and working on getting in back but it's hard. I know it shouldn't be this hard but for me it is and I realize it is something I need to work on and I am almost to the point where I am willing to even more. Idk I have never lost complete faith but have lost some also now I feel so horrible sometimes for things I have done. Ugh I really need to find more of a balance but that too is getting better. I am working on the whole taking care of myself vs. school vs. recovery aspect. I have also decided to go to Thom Rutledge's Beyond Eating Disorders retreat in July again and if any of you want to know more about it go to www.thomrutledge.com it is a very awesome experience and was the best treatment in 3 days that I got in 3 years. No lie. I also have realized that I can do anything if I put my mind to it and that includes working hard with my parents and my team (including friends, professional supports, and my family of course) and am even beginning to trust them a lot more. So all is good and I am excited I am going skiing tomorrow with my dad and yea. Oh and this is a video I made of part of a dance performance I did at my college last week with a dance to Kenny Rogers "When You Put Your Heart in It". I will get the video of the performance within a few weeks hoepfully and pics hopefully next week and will upload them. Yes I was crying and so was others but got a lot of positive feedback and I accomplished a lot personally by not hiding it anymore.

Working hard never felt so good

I have had a rough patch to put it nicely the past 3 weeks or so with recovery and let's just say life in general too. I have felt soo overwhelmed with having to always be constantly busy because that is how I grew up. Trying to retrain my brain and thought processes that it is okay to have down time is very difficult. It isn't as easy as I thought, and hoped it would be. I know it is all about balancing things between work, school, friend and family, and me.

I am still working on it too but even though these past few weeks have been emotional and challenging I love the fact 1) I am not numb anymore 2) I am coping in healthy ways 3) I am asking for help and not tackling it on my own. I will continue to do so also. It was kind of hard today because I got news from my doctor again that is less than perfect but whatev cause neither am I. But I am trying to really stay positive and push through it all. I know I can and I will. I have hope for myself and my life that things will get better and they continually get better but let's face it, to any of you that know me, I am not a patient person at all. I can be with others, sometimes, but rarely with myself. But that too I am working on.

I have been working on a lot of aspects in my life and they are all improving (depending on what you are talking about) and the negative ones are declining (woohoo me!!!) I know I am not out of the dark yet but I can see light and I will see that light get bigger and brighter in time. I got to be patient because it takes time for my body and my soul to heal. I have been through way too much for someone who is 50 let alone my age but I can't change my past either. Honestly even in its' darkest light I wouldn't have it any other way because I don't know who I would be without it.

Granted I would be me still but I wouldn't be as strong as I am today or as mature, and experienced. I am NOT the typical college girl who parties all the time, let alone really ever. No I never really party with more than like 3 close friends lol. Hell...my parents were out of town so I had to house-watch and I totally could have but no. I am too much of a good girl at least most of the time lol. I think before I act most of the time. I am who I am and thank goodness I am not PERFECT. I don't quite know if I really like being imperfect either but for now I am happy just being me. I am unique, strong, beautiful, and I have all the potential in the world to do whatever I want to do!

Balance is hard but it means everything

To me life is kinda like a balance beam cause you have to take each step with caution and care. It is like weighing the pros and cons. Each time you move you have to be not only aware of yourself but about your body. You have to think about how each move will impact each other, the consequences and the successes. as you are on the beam I think walking it is similar to the journey of life. If you fall of the beam you get back on it. If you make a mistake you learn from it. To me that isn't much different than life. the more you walk the beam the more you learn through practice. Before you know it you can do all sorts of tricks and you are having the time of your life. This analogy came into my mind today when I was looking at my old gymnastics trophies and medals. I saw a picture of me after a meet and saw the glow in my face and my eyes. I want that glow to be back again.

I think life is a teeter-totter but with the right balance you can be in the middle and not go up and down all the time. It makes me think about my life and how busy it is. What my priorities currently are and how they should be. It makes me think of re-evaluating all I do and to do my favorite pros and cons so that I live a more balanced life and find a new middle path with less extremes and the need to do everything. I don't want to feel overwhelmed again and I am trying not to do that again. Even if I do experience setbacks I am still not to where I was before cause I always learn from my mistakes. I may be stubborn and hard headed but I do learn. I am trying to do what I need to do in my life so that I am truly happy with myself and see and feel the glow and the self-love I had as a young child. I will get to that point. I am fighting for myself and my life. I am getting back every day because I am not alone. I have my friends, family and treatment team. I will succeed. It is just a matter of when. But i will be patient and focus on what i can do in the moment and not judge myself. I will make my choice to fight and I already did. I have a lot to look forward to in addition to all that I have now. I am going to be who I want to be in the inside, follow my heart and have faith. That is all I can do. I am strong and can handle all of this. I refuse to give up
xo Dev

what i am and am not? what life is and isn't?

So lately and today I have been thinking what is life? Who am I? Who am I not and what isn't life? After deep thought and journal and my favorite meditation I found out the answers for me. They aren't completely clear and clean cut but they are what they are now. Being mindful and in the moment and I radically accept that.

So what is life? Life is a journey with ups and downs and everywhere in between. It is full of lessons, some of which take a long lime to learn and master while some you never master. It doesn't mean you are a failure though. I think that it means that you are unique and perfectly imperfect. i am not perfect and I don't plan on trying to be. Not anymore not wasting my time. It is very complex. It can be intriguing.

Who am I? I am Devyn. I am a very smart and unique girl. I am a survivor of many challenges and outcomes and I have a ton of hope for the future. I can be stubborn at times but I eventually do what needs to be done. I am not ED or any disorder or label that has ever put on me. I am strong. I am who I am. I am beautiful and I live in the moment. I am capable of overcoming and reaching anything I set my mind to and that obviously includes Ed for me. I am very independent and unsure about my future. I do know it will be what I make of it and if I have my say, which I do it will be awesome and amazing! I am excited, scared and confused all at once. But that is ok. It will all work out in time. I believe everything happens for a reason.

Who am I not? I am not Ed. I am not a burden to my parents or anyone. I am not a liar or a disorder. I am not perfect. I am not ready to be completely independant and away from my parents. I am not recovered completely (getting there though slowly). I am not an emotional roller coaster or a wreck. I am not a smiley that is easy to make sense of. I am not the greatest at communicating my needs to my parents or even my treatment team always. I am not the best at asking for help. I am not always a gray thinker.

What life isn't? It isn't the beach but it isn't Picasso. It isn't always great but it isn't always bad. It isn't a clear cut answer nor does it always provide what you want it to. It is not a easy and it is not boring. It isn't one lesson but a bunch. It isn't simple anyway you put it.

SO I know a lot more about what life isn't and who I am not than who I am.But that is perfectly fine. I am along for the ride and will go wherever it may take me but whatever I do I still have control, a say and choices to make. I get to decide what path I want to take and what I want to do. I can decide how I will react to what life throws and especially what I do with the unknown. But I am going to do my best to live in the moment, be mindful, use coping skills, be in the gray and make the right choices. I will do my best to not place judgments on myself too. I will follow my heart and intuition. I will do my best. If it isn't perfect, and I know it won't be. Oh well. No big deal. I am not going to freak and think it is the end of the world. It is just something else to work through and overcome. I am me and I live my life the way I can. I am at peace. I will pick out the most positives I can out of anything and roll with the flow. I am Devyn and that's it! :)

Life has changed

I have been so busy lately and I haven't posted on here forever and I truly missed it so that is going to change. A lot has happened in my life lately, good and bad plus anywhere and everywhere in between. I am enjoying life so much still even when I have a bad day. I have learned so much about myself and have grown because of it. I am Devyn. no one defines who I am anymore.No one but me. No one can hurt me anymore cause I am strong. I don't let myself break down to the extent that I used to. I never want to not live anymore or just exist. I want to live, feel empowered, and share my love of life with others. My life isn't full of isolation anymore. It is full of things I love such as family, friends, and of course laughter. My life is my own. It is unique and though I may not always like it, it is the bigger picture that I love
<3
Devyn

been a while

lately things have not been so hott for me. I broke up with a man I thought I loved and would last forever. I have felt so lost and alone lately. I am still going strong in my classes at WC but emotionally and mentally I am falling apart. It scares me to death that this is happening. Granted it could be like how it was a while ago, like a year and I am very thankful it is not to that point. But I am scared that things are getting worse. I have been so depressed lately and the part that makes it hard is I don't know why. I think though I should go through my DBT binder from Tx and actively use skills and stuff. I think that will help some. I just feel so alone lately and hopeless. I know this doesn't sound good but it's the way it is. I feel too scared to tell my therapist because I am scared how she will react and freak, in my opinion. I don't know what to do. I am trying my hardest to not fall apart and hold it together but it is tough. I think also being gone from college for 3 weeks and having to recover from surgery when I was doing really well in recovery makes it hard. I hope it will all be ok though. We will see. I see my therapist on Thursday which seems like forever away but oh well once classes and Monday comes around i hope the week will go by fast.

college and life=new beginning

Well i haven't written in here for a while. I'm in college now at Westminster and today is my first day of classes. I am really excited, nervous, scared and anxious all at once. I really don't know what to feel. I had a rough month in July but August has been pretty good. mostly due to Ed relapse and my tx not letting me get away with my tricks and excuses and pushing me so hard to get back on track. Well now I am doing great again for the most part. I am winning the battle slowly but surely. I know it is kinda bad to put deadlines and shit but I want to be recovered by the end of this year. I think I can do it actually. I haven't felt more secure about myself in the longest of whiles. I am taking one step at a time. I am still with Lestat and I hopefully will be with him for the rest of my life. It has been 5 months almost. It willl be interessting how it all goes. i am more on my own now. I'm living in the dorms at the college and my roommates are amazing, so far lol jk, and hopefully things will be okay for the year. I'm taking one day at a time. I'm relaizing I don't have to be pefect even though in some ways I still strive to be. It is a long road still to where i will be happy but with my friends, family, Lestat and my tx I can do it.