S-t-r-e-s-s. This is the word of my life right now. It is attempting to take over my life and it is a fight not to let it control me. It is a fight to make myself breathe and take breaks. But it is a fight I am winning and will win. Yes, stress is a part of life but handling it can also become overwhelming at times. The past few weeks i have had to deal with a lot of stress which is trying to overcome the freedom I have worked years to gain. I'm not letting go of my freedom to be me, freedom to do what I want. Even though I can and deserve way more freedom and I can still be yelled at by ed for continuing to disobey him and that can still be hard at times, I don't give in. I don't need him and I know that. I won't ever give in again. I haven't in so long. I know that if I do, I would fall down fast and it would be even harder than last time to get back up. I understand i may fall again but I have the tools and support to get back up if I have to.
But I can't worry about that right now. i don't really need to. It is in a box and can be easily opened up if need be. I think that these past few weeks have been a series of tests by God and the Universe. It is a series to see what I will do with it and they have made me stronger. I have had to rely on asking for help and support. Reaching out is still tough, cause I like to be able to be independant, but I also know I can not do this alone. So i trust myself to ask for support and I get it. I talked to my parents, Kelsey (who is probably one of my biggest supports), and some really close friends and people i love. It has been really awesome too. I remember a time when I was ashamed like no other to ask for help. I remember a time when I couldn't do it at all. Acknowledging that has so much impact. it gives me insight to how far i have come and it helps me know I am nearing the end of this battle. I'm close to winning, I think and so does my tx team, that there is no back down now. I will do this. i am doing this. Today there is no try in my vocabulary because for me try is a very bad word.
A little thing that helps me to keep try out is a thing I did with my DBT therapist Andrea when I was in treatment. On the first day I kept saying I will try to do this..etc. She said, "Try to get off of my couch." So naturally I stood right up. She said "Try to get off my couch again. You just got off of my couch. That wasn't trying. You either do it or you don't." That hit me and helps me so much to day. I know that this stress has tested me but I know that this is has been hard on me emotionally and physically. But I also know myself and that i need to take care of myself. Self-care and self-soothing stuff has really helped me and so has DBT. i am so thankful for DBT. DBT saves. it really does. I don't know how I would be alive and surviving life without DBT, those around me that love and care about me and those who help me.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Is this starting anew?
Is this the end or is this where it begins? is it now or forever away? what do i do? what do I say? just feeling like life keeps breaking away. but is it starting anew, I do not know what to do. I feel like things are breaking down but at the same time I feel things are finally getting back together and whole. I find sometimes that I have complete freedom to be me but then I wonder who I am. My emotions are present then they disappear. It doesn't seem to matter whether I fight or not. They come as they go, whether or not I am ready for them. They help me stay strong and keep fighting but they tear me apart too. I don't like this or my mind one bit.
It is scary inside at times and I am surrounded by much fear lately that I don't know what to do or even what is happening. I feel as if sometimes I am just walking through life on autopilot. I don't have to think, I just do. I never used to do, I would only try. What has that gotten me? Lost? yeah that is a feeling a lot lately. Lost in life, myself, my mind? I don't know. I am lost but in many ways I feel found. my heart has been found and rescued by her. She has saved it and me. I used to think if I lost her I could move on but now I know I can't. I don't ever give up for anything i do know that. I don't quit and I will never surrender this battle. I deserve life. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be able to move on even when I slip up and not beat myself to death over it. Mistakes happen right? bad choices happen...but start anew? I feel so confused. What do i want? I want so much in my life. I want freedom and to be me. Has not working done this to me? Am I THAT OCD? I don't know what to think of me anymore.
It is soo much easier to focus on others. it really helps keep me going. It really keeps me moving and alive. It keeps me as close to present and in the moment as I can get. I am so lost and I feel so alone. I know I am not but I feel so. I can't even open up and communicate my true needs, only surface stuff. I can only scrape the top of me why I'm dying inside. but dying to live or dying to keep fighting or to be loved by myself? I don't want it to be this way. I really don't. I am doing my best, well what I can do. But I feel that isn't enough even. Am I good enough? I seem to have a lot of questiosn racing through my mind and my veins. I feel so cold inside mentally. I feel like it is lifeless. Not open or surrounded but surrounded by what? I don't know anymore. I guess I am loved I do know that much by many, I hope... I think... I am pretty sure... But what did I do to deserve this? I feel like i have done nothing to deserve what my life is right now...good and bad. I feel as if sometimes I am a waste of life although I know that is not true.
I know that in my soul i do have purpose and I will fill that purpose. i just want to know when. I am not patient. i can be with others to some extent. She has helped me with that a lot. She has helped me be able to be me and to feel accepted for once. But are they right? i don't know. Should I even care? Should I care about what others think about me. I know I know, "what others think of me is none of my business." but fuck I like to know. I thrive to know and to be accepted cause I feel i never was growing up not by anyone. I just feel like crying all the time. But I can't. I can't do it...I have to be strong. Strong for me, her, us....my family, my friends, and those who help me. But balance...grey area?
I know it is there; it is possible but shall I dare. Try to find it again? why is it such a constant battle? That and consistency? what do I do? I can't change what I am doing? I don't want to fall apart or us too? i doubt we will. we have been through so much in a short amount of time. I can't imagine my life without her. I can't live without her. I am not meaning being dependent or anything either or even for the love but I just feel this connection. It's indescribable. I can't explain it in words. It's amazing. I know that for sure. Is that all I know? Is that all that is keeping me going?
I just got an apartment with her and college is starting soon. I am stoked! I am almost halfway done with my undergrad. then grad? Oh shit! that scares me. It means I gotta clean up my mind and me. I have to have it together in order to get through grad school especially in psychology! Others can't know. I don't want my professors to know really. Even at Westminster.... It was hard enough to hide things this year. I am not going to make it so I have to next year. I am not. I have decided that much.
AS I write my mind is somewhat clearer but racing with all these questions...is the end nearer? Is this where it begins? What do I say? What do I do? Is this starting anew?
It is scary inside at times and I am surrounded by much fear lately that I don't know what to do or even what is happening. I feel as if sometimes I am just walking through life on autopilot. I don't have to think, I just do. I never used to do, I would only try. What has that gotten me? Lost? yeah that is a feeling a lot lately. Lost in life, myself, my mind? I don't know. I am lost but in many ways I feel found. my heart has been found and rescued by her. She has saved it and me. I used to think if I lost her I could move on but now I know I can't. I don't ever give up for anything i do know that. I don't quit and I will never surrender this battle. I deserve life. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be able to move on even when I slip up and not beat myself to death over it. Mistakes happen right? bad choices happen...but start anew? I feel so confused. What do i want? I want so much in my life. I want freedom and to be me. Has not working done this to me? Am I THAT OCD? I don't know what to think of me anymore.
It is soo much easier to focus on others. it really helps keep me going. It really keeps me moving and alive. It keeps me as close to present and in the moment as I can get. I am so lost and I feel so alone. I know I am not but I feel so. I can't even open up and communicate my true needs, only surface stuff. I can only scrape the top of me why I'm dying inside. but dying to live or dying to keep fighting or to be loved by myself? I don't want it to be this way. I really don't. I am doing my best, well what I can do. But I feel that isn't enough even. Am I good enough? I seem to have a lot of questiosn racing through my mind and my veins. I feel so cold inside mentally. I feel like it is lifeless. Not open or surrounded but surrounded by what? I don't know anymore. I guess I am loved I do know that much by many, I hope... I think... I am pretty sure... But what did I do to deserve this? I feel like i have done nothing to deserve what my life is right now...good and bad. I feel as if sometimes I am a waste of life although I know that is not true.
I know that in my soul i do have purpose and I will fill that purpose. i just want to know when. I am not patient. i can be with others to some extent. She has helped me with that a lot. She has helped me be able to be me and to feel accepted for once. But are they right? i don't know. Should I even care? Should I care about what others think about me. I know I know, "what others think of me is none of my business." but fuck I like to know. I thrive to know and to be accepted cause I feel i never was growing up not by anyone. I just feel like crying all the time. But I can't. I can't do it...I have to be strong. Strong for me, her, us....my family, my friends, and those who help me. But balance...grey area?
I know it is there; it is possible but shall I dare. Try to find it again? why is it such a constant battle? That and consistency? what do I do? I can't change what I am doing? I don't want to fall apart or us too? i doubt we will. we have been through so much in a short amount of time. I can't imagine my life without her. I can't live without her. I am not meaning being dependent or anything either or even for the love but I just feel this connection. It's indescribable. I can't explain it in words. It's amazing. I know that for sure. Is that all I know? Is that all that is keeping me going?
I just got an apartment with her and college is starting soon. I am stoked! I am almost halfway done with my undergrad. then grad? Oh shit! that scares me. It means I gotta clean up my mind and me. I have to have it together in order to get through grad school especially in psychology! Others can't know. I don't want my professors to know really. Even at Westminster.... It was hard enough to hide things this year. I am not going to make it so I have to next year. I am not. I have decided that much.
AS I write my mind is somewhat clearer but racing with all these questions...is the end nearer? Is this where it begins? What do I say? What do I do? Is this starting anew?
Saturday, July 17, 2010
SLC Eating Disorder Examiner
A few days ago I was having a really hard time and was overwhelmed by my stress and everything that has been going on in my life, mostly out of my control too. nonetheless Ed tried to butt in but I took a few breaths and was not going to give in. I said, "No I want my freedom still and I make my own choices." He backed off quickly. I am still surprised by how much and how long I have kept this complete freedom. For sure gonna keep going forward to and my choices lately have even encouraged and helped with that. But that day I found out that I was chosen as the Salt Lake City Eating Disorder Examiner for Examiner.com, which is an online news center which is up and coming. I got my dream job and get to share my wisdom, passion, knowledge, and promote activism here in my own home, state, city, and even further perhaps. I am so excited. It is a dream come true. It will help me too in my recovery. I'm going strong. Love you all. My articles will be here http://www.examiner.com/x-59478-Salt-Lake-City-Eating-Disorder-Examiner subscribe to it too please and thanks.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Beautifully Imperfect Me!
Full of twists and turns, good and bad this journey is called life. this journey is about finding my true self, reaching my hope, goals and dreams, and recovery from Ed and my past. Walls and cliffs come up but I have the strength to tear them down. I have the strength to jump and climb and fight my way to the top! To the freedom to be COMPLETELY ME!!!! I have had many trials thrown at me the past few weeks with drama, financial issues, stress, work I could go on and on but focusing on the positives and using my tools has pulled me through! I can ask for support and help without feeling too guilty or filled with shame. I am NOT perfect nor will I ever be. Perfection doesn't exist but recovery and freedom does! I am reaping in the rewards that dedication, time, commitment, honesty, faith, hope, and wisdom bring not in just my recovery but in life. I am going beyond the negatives I have dealt with in life. But yet everything I have gone through and made me stronger.
I have survived another year in life also! I am 19 now and to me that still is huge cause a few years ago I never had intentions to make it to 18 even. It has also been 2 years since I was last in tx. I have changed sooo much. I can finally see the sun shining in MY eyes and not just trusting in others who see it in me. I am truly a changed girl. I am truly finding the Devyn I was put on this Earth to be. The one that this Universe and this World put in for me. I am on this journey, good and bad it would not be my life without both. There is a good in everything. Yes, I still have fear. But hell with that I do it anyways. I embrace my fear, hold Ed close so he can't control me anymore.
I am finally happy my Tx and appointments are less now. I am done with my dietitian now. I am finally stabilized on my meds( took two years!) I am finally happy and healthy and safe. I am in CONTROL. I am just getting geared up for my sophomore year at Westminster and I just got an apartment too with my fiance! I have good relationships with my parents and friends. I have healthy ones now. I see the difference and so do others. I know that I have changed.
Change is possible. Freedom is possible. I know now that complete recovery is possible for ME and anyone. There has been no doubt in my mind now since March 13. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I love myself (I don't always like myself still but oh well). I know I have choice. I know I have power and a safety net with friends and family who love, care and just want what is best with me. I am strong and brave even when I don't always feel it, I look back to my past and the accomplishments and then I can. I am glad my life is finally staying where I want it and being stable but with more good adventure, good times, healthy friends, and overall ME! I am me. I am beautifully imperfect. I am a butterfly flying through my life and my journey experiencing the freedom I have!
I have survived another year in life also! I am 19 now and to me that still is huge cause a few years ago I never had intentions to make it to 18 even. It has also been 2 years since I was last in tx. I have changed sooo much. I can finally see the sun shining in MY eyes and not just trusting in others who see it in me. I am truly a changed girl. I am truly finding the Devyn I was put on this Earth to be. The one that this Universe and this World put in for me. I am on this journey, good and bad it would not be my life without both. There is a good in everything. Yes, I still have fear. But hell with that I do it anyways. I embrace my fear, hold Ed close so he can't control me anymore.
I am finally happy my Tx and appointments are less now. I am done with my dietitian now. I am finally stabilized on my meds( took two years!) I am finally happy and healthy and safe. I am in CONTROL. I am just getting geared up for my sophomore year at Westminster and I just got an apartment too with my fiance! I have good relationships with my parents and friends. I have healthy ones now. I see the difference and so do others. I know that I have changed.
Change is possible. Freedom is possible. I know now that complete recovery is possible for ME and anyone. There has been no doubt in my mind now since March 13. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I love myself (I don't always like myself still but oh well). I know I have choice. I know I have power and a safety net with friends and family who love, care and just want what is best with me. I am strong and brave even when I don't always feel it, I look back to my past and the accomplishments and then I can. I am glad my life is finally staying where I want it and being stable but with more good adventure, good times, healthy friends, and overall ME! I am me. I am beautifully imperfect. I am a butterfly flying through my life and my journey experiencing the freedom I have!
Friday, June 18, 2010
I am me now
Running to my mind and finding my soul
Has been anything but an easy battle
But one that i would never live without
I may not always have blue skies and sunshine
But I have myself now and it is free
It is still a journey with ups and downs
But happy I still have my support
I am glad I actually have control
Not the false one once given before
Not now, not ever again will I give in
I have this love and overwhelming sense of joy
Freedom to be who I want to be and how I live
Grateful for my past but I have moved on now
Thanks to those who have supported to me
Helped me though this rocky journey
It is finally level for the most part
I have never felt so great
Even though I still struggle at times
I know this is my life
I am shining bright in my own light
Living life to its fullest
Not encapsulated anymore
By him or anyone one else
I am me; perfection nonexistant
I am standing up still
My inner child is loved
It is at home now
Calmed by my love
Back to being herself
Getting stronger and healing
I am holding onto this light
It is as bright as can be
I am winning this fight
Others finally see me
I thank those who love me
For though i tell my past self
and look to where I have come from
I am a butterfly beautiful as can be
Flying towards the sunlight
Free as can be
Has been anything but an easy battle
But one that i would never live without
I may not always have blue skies and sunshine
But I have myself now and it is free
It is still a journey with ups and downs
But happy I still have my support
I am glad I actually have control
Not the false one once given before
Not now, not ever again will I give in
I have this love and overwhelming sense of joy
Freedom to be who I want to be and how I live
Grateful for my past but I have moved on now
Thanks to those who have supported to me
Helped me though this rocky journey
It is finally level for the most part
I have never felt so great
Even though I still struggle at times
I know this is my life
I am shining bright in my own light
Living life to its fullest
Not encapsulated anymore
By him or anyone one else
I am me; perfection nonexistant
I am standing up still
My inner child is loved
It is at home now
Calmed by my love
Back to being herself
Getting stronger and healing
I am holding onto this light
It is as bright as can be
I am winning this fight
Others finally see me
I thank those who love me
For though i tell my past self
and look to where I have come from
I am a butterfly beautiful as can be
Flying towards the sunlight
Free as can be
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Living Life
So I haven't written a blog in a while and so it's late at night but not tired so might as well write. So lately since school got out at the end of May I have been busy working, spending time with my fiance, and trying to make time for fun and relaxing things as well. I am so grateful to have accomplished my first year in college well and having the summer of my life. I haven't even been on chats or much on here in almost a month but still post...but it is cause I am finally LIVING MY LIFE!!!
I am finally now just appreciating how great life is, how fantastic I have been doing since the retreat in March (even though I still have rough days occasionally), and how even though I am not in a constant battle fighting, or constantly having to change things with my treatment team that I still have to keep my guard up just in case and i still have to work on things. I still know that this is a journey. I still have to remind myself to keep doing what i need to no matter what. I am still working on self-esteem and some other issues but for the most part I am doing well. I am beginning to realize that the freedom that started to show glimpses a few months ago and i thought was here hopefully to stay, well it is still here and keeps growing. it is to the point I am so busy with work, hanging out with friends, my fiance, and family that I almost need to slow down a little more. I still am taking care of myself but you can never have too much self-care lol.
I love that I am able to talk back to Ed on a dime. I love how I can be around family and friends and be open, honest and communicate and trust them. I am so proud that I have even made it this far cause originally I NEVER thought it was possible. I thought "every one can do it but me. I am too weak", well um I am not that special. No one is. I believe recovery is possible for everyone. It is hard work and can be a pain in the butt, as it sometimes still is for me but it is soooooo much better than any so called "life" with Ed. Ed is a LIAR. He doesn't know what is good for me or anyone for that matter. I actually like my treatment team now cause I am not fighting them, I am working with them and they even listen to me now. Weird huh? lol. If I listen, they seem to listen to me too. I like it this way. I have also been able to deal with things on my own. I can handle the tough emotions/ thoughts without even thinking about doing any behaviors or coming close. I will NEVER go back to that. As I write that I think that a few years ago that was not even possible to consider or even how at the beginning of this year I second guessed it. Well I did it. I have accomplished a lot but only with a lot of hard work, patience, time, dedication and standing back up after falling down many times.
I even think that falling is down is possible as neither life nor me are perfect and mistakes happen but that is why i already have a plan and i know i would always be right back up. I can ask for support. I bounce back fast but this wasn't always this way. I remember the days of my past struggles. another thing that is a great reminder to me now is that i got a tattoo with my fiance last Saturday. it was my first recovery tattoo is how i define it. it is a butterfly. to me the butterfly now permanently on my wrist serves as a reminder of how life is a journey and how much i have changed. it also reminds me of the freedom i fought for and not willing to lose. butterflies are free and beautiful just like me. I am change and I am living my journey, not Eds.
I am finally now just appreciating how great life is, how fantastic I have been doing since the retreat in March (even though I still have rough days occasionally), and how even though I am not in a constant battle fighting, or constantly having to change things with my treatment team that I still have to keep my guard up just in case and i still have to work on things. I still know that this is a journey. I still have to remind myself to keep doing what i need to no matter what. I am still working on self-esteem and some other issues but for the most part I am doing well. I am beginning to realize that the freedom that started to show glimpses a few months ago and i thought was here hopefully to stay, well it is still here and keeps growing. it is to the point I am so busy with work, hanging out with friends, my fiance, and family that I almost need to slow down a little more. I still am taking care of myself but you can never have too much self-care lol.
I love that I am able to talk back to Ed on a dime. I love how I can be around family and friends and be open, honest and communicate and trust them. I am so proud that I have even made it this far cause originally I NEVER thought it was possible. I thought "every one can do it but me. I am too weak", well um I am not that special. No one is. I believe recovery is possible for everyone. It is hard work and can be a pain in the butt, as it sometimes still is for me but it is soooooo much better than any so called "life" with Ed. Ed is a LIAR. He doesn't know what is good for me or anyone for that matter. I actually like my treatment team now cause I am not fighting them, I am working with them and they even listen to me now. Weird huh? lol. If I listen, they seem to listen to me too. I like it this way. I have also been able to deal with things on my own. I can handle the tough emotions/ thoughts without even thinking about doing any behaviors or coming close. I will NEVER go back to that. As I write that I think that a few years ago that was not even possible to consider or even how at the beginning of this year I second guessed it. Well I did it. I have accomplished a lot but only with a lot of hard work, patience, time, dedication and standing back up after falling down many times.
I even think that falling is down is possible as neither life nor me are perfect and mistakes happen but that is why i already have a plan and i know i would always be right back up. I can ask for support. I bounce back fast but this wasn't always this way. I remember the days of my past struggles. another thing that is a great reminder to me now is that i got a tattoo with my fiance last Saturday. it was my first recovery tattoo is how i define it. it is a butterfly. to me the butterfly now permanently on my wrist serves as a reminder of how life is a journey and how much i have changed. it also reminds me of the freedom i fought for and not willing to lose. butterflies are free and beautiful just like me. I am change and I am living my journey, not Eds.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Things..things and more things.
So a friend, who's blog I love and continuously read did a post on things and I felt it was just so wicked awesome that I needed to continue. Thanks Andrea! http://liveyourideallife.blogspot.com
Things I don’t know yet (except, of course, when I do)
What my classes will be like in the fall.
What grad school will I attend
What exactly do I want to do with a PhD in psych anyways (well kinda but not completely)
future family???and when??? (hopefully not til after grad school lol. I'm young)
Things I'm learning
How to breathe more
Accepting the unknown
How lucky I am to be alive and experiencing freedom
How to experience freedom without Ed
What to do with my life
The love I have working with kids
Things I'm wishing for
June or July 29th lol both are good beginnings of river trip and the latter a retreat
Cross Country season to start
Being able to travel more
Seeing a few friends this summer and fitting them into my busy schedule
Things that are getting on my nerves
Toddlers that bite a lot at my work (still love them though)
Drama
Lack of time in the day
Not being able to do as much as I would like to do for ME!
Rain
Things that scare me
Spiders
Snakes
Not knowing where my phone is (yes..I am that attached to it)
Things that are making me happy
My relationships with friends and family
Continuously experiencing freedom from Ed and enjoying life
Being out of classes for a few months
Working with kids again
Being in good health
Sunshine :)
All in all good. Needs to get back to blogging more often. Busy life lol but wouldn't have it any other way.
Things I don’t know yet (except, of course, when I do)
What my classes will be like in the fall.
What grad school will I attend
What exactly do I want to do with a PhD in psych anyways (well kinda but not completely)
future family???and when??? (hopefully not til after grad school lol. I'm young)
Things I'm learning
How to breathe more
Accepting the unknown
How lucky I am to be alive and experiencing freedom
How to experience freedom without Ed
What to do with my life
The love I have working with kids
Things I'm wishing for
June or July 29th lol both are good beginnings of river trip and the latter a retreat
Cross Country season to start
Being able to travel more
Seeing a few friends this summer and fitting them into my busy schedule
Things that are getting on my nerves
Toddlers that bite a lot at my work (still love them though)
Drama
Lack of time in the day
Not being able to do as much as I would like to do for ME!
Rain
Things that scare me
Spiders
Snakes
Not knowing where my phone is (yes..I am that attached to it)
Things that are making me happy
My relationships with friends and family
Continuously experiencing freedom from Ed and enjoying life
Being out of classes for a few months
Working with kids again
Being in good health
Sunshine :)
All in all good. Needs to get back to blogging more often. Busy life lol but wouldn't have it any other way.
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