20 years ago I was born and now look at me.

I just got back from a river trip I go on with my family every year in Desolation Canyon here in Utah. It's on the Green and Price Rivers. It was a really beautiful. I love going back there every year for many reasons. Not only is it a thrill to go white water rafting and to have to paddle with all your might to stay afloat on your boat but it is also away from people and civilization. Granted, I love being around people but it is also good to take time for yourself just like I am doing right now.

Often times you go through life almost on a race track just going through the motions, round and round. There are other times in my life that I have been mindful and just taken one thing at a time and enjoyed every moment. Lately I started to slip into that track, which brought me to think about times in my past. In my past, especially in my eating disorder, I just was in a trap. I couldn't and chose not to get out. In that trap it is easier to just go around in a circle. It is easier to stick to what you know rather than the unknown. It is easier to hold onto the past, the hurt, and all the negative aspects in your life rather than finding new ones. It isn't that you don't care or that you don't want to, at least not in my case. In a way I did. In a way I didn't.

I had support. I was loved and still am. I had many things I needed but I didn't have the courage I did now. I was scared. It isn't that all the treatment in my past went to waste. I don't regret anything. Everything in life happens for a reason and I take something from everything. Eventually I realized I had to do this for me. I didn't want the attention, never did.

If you want something in life to change, you have to do it yourself. No one can do it for you. They can help you and support you. I realized this long ago. This trip brought me back to that as I started to slide back into that trap. But even if that happens, it isn't the end of the world. If you fall back down just stand back up. Things take time too. Not everything we face can be changed but nothing can be changed until it is faced. Feelings are always valid and taking one thing at a time, being mindful really helps.

During Deso (the trip) I had my 20th birthday. It made me think of how much I have gone through. I have had some really hard times in my life but I have had really good ones. I have grown so much too in the past few years. I love who I am now, but I may not always like myself. I know what I do like and don't like. I know what I want in my life and who I love. I know how to overcome challenges and how to ask for help. I am a survivor. I know many more things as well. I have gained much knowledge but their is always more to learn. I know I will have hard times again. I know at times I will have struggles and want to go back to my eating disorder. But I know I will not go back. I know what it is like, and I do not like it. I may have slips but not forever ones.

I know what I need, One thing that I need is that I need to take more time for myself, like now. However, everything is a work in progress. Everything takes time. If you put your mind to it, you can do it. I know I can do anything, even if it takes time or I fall. I will stand back up. I will survive and thrive. I am a work in progress too.

Words, words and more words.

Artistic, beautiful, musical, sweet, caring, helpful, colorful personality, dependable, loving, hard worker, compassionate, funny, strong,an overall aura that gives off light, talented, good friend, bright, sensitive, make a difference in the world, and amazing. These words were told to me recently by friends as part of an assignment by my mentor. My eating disorder and depression would say that I am the opposite of these that I am unimaginative, ugly, discordant, unkind, unreliable, dull, cold, dark horse, unfeeling, boring, weak, listless, untalented, bad friend, unintelligent, indifferent, and unremarkable. These words coming from my eating disorder hold me back from what I really want in my life. I want to finish my degree and go onto graduate school for psychology. I want to live my life with Kelsey and start a family one day. I want to have a healthy relationship with my friends and my family. I want to be healthy. Most importantly I want to be free from control and I want freedom to be ME!

When I follow recovery I can do that. I am working towards all of that. I have so much freedom compared to four years ago when I was in my eating disorder and I didn't really care. I am fighting every day. Some days I don't have to think about it, ED doesn't pop into my head every day like in the past. Other days he won't leave me alone. Those days are when I have to lean on others and ask for help. I know I can't do it on my own but I know I have to do it for me. No one else can do it for me. I learned that a long time ago. If I want this life I have to fight for it. I have to do the work. It plain out sucks sometimes BUT it gets better! It really does and that is when I think back to where I was and where I am now.

My worst days now are better then my best days a year ago even. Each day I get strong, healthier and more free. Each day I follow recovery I get closer to what I want in my life. If I slip up have a rough day or even week, doesn't mean I am not following recovery. It is part of recovery. It means that I just have to get back up. The falls only make me stronger and make me appreciate everything in my life more. I am where I am due to my persistence, strength, my friends, my family, and my hope and faith. Of course my therapists and all the treatment, and the retreats (OMG the retreats have helped me SOOO much) have changed my life as well. I like to remember all of the things that help. A lot of the time it seems like the focus is on treatment that changes lives. I definitely think it does but even then change comes from within. NO matter what kind of "treatment" you get it all works. I am so grateful for everything and everyone in my life.

Recovery is a journey not a destination. I believe that with my heart and soul. Recovery is possible and recovery changes lives. It has changed mine. No matter what recovery looks like for you it gets better and as long as you are on the path that is what matters. Any addiction, depression, self harm or eating disorder that ANYONE suffers from is possible to recover and overcome.

Those words: artistic, beautiful, musical, sweet, caring, helpful, colorful personality, dependable, loving, hard worker, compassionate, funny, strong,an overall aura that gives off light, talented, good friend, bright, sensitive, make a difference in the world, and amazing are words that sometimes I can believe. Other days I can't. It isn't all or nothing. I am NOT perfect. No one is. My eating disorder tells me other wise. That is when I tell him to SHUT the HELL UP. It takes practice. Some times I can do it. Other days I can't do it. Most days I can due to practice. Practice makes practice. But no matter what I know as long as I follow recovery that it is possible to have freedom. I can see it. I will have it. I will do it! It will be mine!

Stats quiz! Have you ever thought about attempting suicide?

Hey everyone, I am conducting a survey for my statistics class. I am doing a one question quiz that will take you literally 10 seconds. It is anonymous and is only use for educational research purposes. I'd greatly appreciate it if you would take this short time to do it.
Thanks, Devyn

Also please feel free to share this with your friends and family. I want as big of a sample size as possible.
Here is the link:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/6W8B6LK

Little puzzle

Little puzzle crumbling apart
Trying to hold on to what's left
Little puzzle fallen stars
Not glistening in the night sky

Withered away like a rose
Aching heart torn apart
Wondering where hope lies
When the night stars are falling tonight

They're not glistening to hope
To the moon at night or her eyes
There isn't much Sun in the day
That lights up a smile

She only falls more away
From friends and family
She wants dearly to have
Not the dreaded isolation

She feels there is no choice sometimes
But to be either a complete puzzle
Or one falling apart
Two different worlds

When the puzzle is together
There is hope and strength
There is the Sun and moon
Stars glistening in her eyes

This world is something she longs for
Something she believes in
Something she does have at times
But is sometimes a broken puzzle

Sometimes she wonders what to do?
Will this get better?
Am I strong enough?
Right now she might say no
But deep down she knows the answer

....the answer is YES

<3 dev

Life's perplexity

Perplexity is life. Life is perplexed. Life can have its simple moments but to me it is only when we break it down into its most basic elements. We all have problems and struggles in life. The journey we all have in life and the different paths we all have in our own journey of life each have their own ups and downs. Sometimes the struggles and questions we are faced with are easy to deal with. Sometimes there is a black and white answer, like in math. Other times there is a gray answer that is more perplex and is based more on personal observation and how you feel about the situation. To me it is about looking at both ends and not trying to compromise so much but trying to figure out a new way to do something, a middle path.

Sometimes the answer that I have gotten in a perplex situation hasn’t always been what I wanted. I haven’t always been a person that has liked feelings or wanted to deal with them. It is something I have had to work on in intense therapy and still work on daily. But the one thing is than sitting with me gets better. Sometimes sitting with yourself in a perplex situation, in my experience, is very hard, but can also be very rewarding. One thing that has helped me learn to value this perplexity is my frustration. When I have lost my patience and didn’t get an answer in a situation then I gave up or just took an easy way out.
This happened to me numerous times growing up and for a while it actually got me in trouble, mainly emotionally to the point I couldn’t take it anymore and tried to commit suicide. This happened a few times and finally one time I ended up in the hospital and I was faced with a perplex situation of life or death, I had to either choose to fight for my life and learn new ways to cope, even though I didn’t know the answers to everything, feel the darkness at times for a while and hope. My other choice was death. I played the game too much and it was down to this, rock bottom, at only 17 years of age. My need for control at that point to be perfect and to know everything was everywhere in my life but since that night in the emergency room and then entering treatment once again I finally felt more committed and determined than ever. Not like I haven’t had my hard times since then but it has gotten better.

I think sometimes you have to give up what you know and what you have to learn what you don’t know in order to achieve what you want. I think that sometimes when you are in the darkness it does bring you alive. There are times, now that I sit with my feelings and in darkness, where I can be so confused about life or something going on with me, a pain or a struggle and after a while I will know what to do. I may cry for hours; but that is okay. There is nothing wrong with crying as many may associate it with darkness it can be sweet. A paradox is basically a contraction but possibly true.

A paradox that I have had to negotiate with is the paradox of life. There are so many different views on what life is and where it began. Were we created from Christ, from a microorganism, Allah, some other spiritual being, God or Goddess? These answers are still being researched and will always be a controversial subject. For a long time growing up this paradox is something I struggled with. It is one reason why I also tried to commit suicide, one of many times. I wondered many things like, “How am I created? Where did I come from?” I know I was conceived from my mom and dad but where did they come from and beyond. Where did everyone come from? Are we all aliens dropped in from outer space? Is their reincarnation? Is there life elsewhere and how? These questions at one point ruled my life. I wasn’t able to answer them, so I couldn’t handle them then. It wasn’t going to happen. I needed to know the answers.

This is still something I still wonder about and always will be. This question there will never be an answer to. It is all theory and perspective. It is based on personal opinion. I believe I was created with purpose. I believe I was created by some higher power or spiritual being and I do call him Christ but I also have other spiritual aspects that play a huge part in my life. I take on a multidimensional life philosophy. The thing I have learned from paradoxes but especially this paradox, which has been huge in my life, is that life is a journey and that is no destination. The journey is the destination and as long as I am on it than I am doing great. Life has its ups and downs. I can only do my best.

I know that all I have gone through will make me stronger and if I quit fighting now it will never end. I keep having to tell myself that, especially now as I am having a rough time again. I can overcome anything I put my mind to. The pain or the struggle will never last forever but if I give up now it could last forever. I have too much going for me and the darkness, well the unknown, can be scary. Who likes it but it has taught me many things, such as I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and it taught me the most valuable lesson thus far in my life: that I deserve to life and that I am worth it.

Inner Guru

I had to write a journal for my yoga class, as I do every week. This is a modified version of that that I though I would share with you guys. It really touched me and made me think this week. Hope you enjoy :)
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When I think of the words “inner guru”, in simplest sense inner spiritual teacher, there are many thoughts that come to my mind. For me, my “inner guru” is a combination of many different part of me: heart (physical and spiritual), mind, soul (physical and spiritual), past teachings, and conscience. Each of these has meaning and has something to contribute; putting them altogether however something that I still cannot explain but it is has helped guide me. I am not perfect and my inner guru doesn’t tell me the right things to do but I think that everything, every experience in life whether good or bad has a lesson. I feel that within that lesson there is something good within it, whether that is “seen” that second, hour or ten years away. There is another strong belief within me.

Everything happens for a reason. I feel that both my heart and soul’s physical nature allow me to discover and participate in some of the talents and hobbies that I have such as dance, swimming and yoga. If you look into the spiritual nature of those two let me contemplate decisions and life choices. My spiritual soul has also connected me to God, who has been a huge source of strength for me through many aspects of my life, my biggest being my recovery. My mind contributes intellectually in that it has the capacity to learn, recall and grow. My past experiences have helped me further in life. I have learned from my mistakes and improved on my successes in order to succeed in the future. My conscience is always there, one thing is I cannot lie. If I lie I laugh, first of all.

I think somewhere inside that to many questions, we do have the answers. I think it depends on how you look at it though. I also think that the answers may not appear right away. I think part of it is patience and persistence. I think also, for me, I need my heart (physical and spiritual), mind, soul (physical and spiritual), past teachings, and conscience. I think that without all of them I can still find some of the answers but not all of them. I think it depends but with all of them together I can answer anything.

So I if your reading this maybe take a second and think about your "inner guru" and what part it plays for you in your life. The good and the bad and how it can help you achieve and succeed in the further. What do you think? Do we have the answers within?

<3 Dev

I have a dream

I have a dream and I am pursuing it. I am following my heart and doing what it says. I had this idea to do a walk for NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association). So today I registered to do one and I am doing it the last weekend of September. I hope to get Thom out here to speak at Westminster night before and day of. I want to raise awareness about eating disorders because they are a problem and people need to be aware of how much they impact people lives. They are more common then people think. According to NEDA, as many as 10 MILLION FEMALES AND NEARLY 1 MILLION MALES ARE FIGHTING THIS LIFE AND DEALH BATTLE WITH ANOREXIA AND BULIMIA EVERY DAY!

Also as far as research goes there are 10 million affected by eating disorders and 4.5 million suffering from Alzheimer's and 2.2 suffering from Schizophrenia yet on $.70 per individual is spent on research compared to $159 for Schizophrenia, a difference of $158.30. This is ridiculous. Eating disorders kill and most can't even seek treatment due to insurance unwilling to cover adequate treatment which I wont even bother to go into as I could rant about that for hours. I personally have gone through this so it is something I am passionate about so I am excited. So it will be good.

So I am in the early stages of planning this. Going to enlist others to help me...hopefully(if you live in SLC and want to help let me know please)! I am allowing 5 months almost 6 to plan this which is good. It will allow me to get good sponsors, plan awesome t-shirts and stuff, get the speaking part ready, the where it will be (most likely Sugar House park), and all of the logistics. It will be fun. I will have fun and it is a good cause. I have wanted to do this in a while. I know many will attend. It will be great! I believe in myself. I am proud I am doing this. I am nervous as well but I will ask for help, as needed. <3