So I am up and working right night at the treatment center I work at. I typically NEVER work graves but I like to help people out and this is only 6 hours and I don't have a ton going on until noon tomorrow. That being said, it is way too quiet and I can't put on music really so I might as well write. Since I am avoiding the load of readings I brought with me and I have yet only got through one. I still have about 2 hours but I thought maybe writing for a few minutes might help.
I have been thinking a lot lately about where I have come from, not in spiritual terms or what not as that is something that is honestly too scary for me to think about but as far as in my life. I have also thought about where do I want to go because I have a lot of change approaching and before I know it it will be here. I am not saying I am really worrying about it right now and am scared at this moment to where it occupies my life but it does come into play every day.
I think that is normal and even can be healthy to look back at your past and future to analyze what has happened and where you have come so you can set goals, appreciate where you have come from, what you have and where you can make changes. I don't think it is healthy to judge it all and think of everything as black and white and be ,"Oh I messed up my whole life because I went into treatment and had to take off a semester of school, struggled getting what I think are good grades and will never get into graduate school....." That was me for so long and some days I get back into that whole mind set to where one little thing even in that week I think will mess me up for ever-I know totally catastrophic thinking errors here as well. It is human to make mistakes, mess up in whatever that may look to you, or to take a completely different path than what you or family expect. We are socialized, here in the US at least that mistakes are not ok. Perfect lives don't exist. What you see is perfect in someones life may not be perfect to that someone. Perfect looks different to everyone and though for the longest time early on once I started recovering from my eating disorder I hated it when people said, "perfect" and said something almost every time they did. It was really bad. I still had that high standard for me but not anyone else-naturally. I still do to some extent, and always will.
Even though I am symptom free, I honestly think that recovery is harder now. I thought stopping the behaviors were HARD but dealing with the raw, scary, and unspeakable problems is even harder because it is easier to just ignore them and try to move on. I kept saying to myself for a while, "I dealt with the behaviors I will deal with whatever emotional part I see fit because I am doing good now. I am in school, doing things I love to do when I have time, working etc.... Well that part I am just letting go because I know I am doing well. I am working and doing school. I got a 3.87 GPA last semester as well, the first time back on the Dean's List since I got out of treatment over years ago. I just started going back to yoga regularly with a friend now that my body is not in pain from other medical problems. yadadada. I do know however, that I could be happier, that I don't have to be nearly has stressed as I do or have change in my schedule affect my emotions. I don't need to have bad depression days, maybe I can have none at all. It used to be every day. It isn't anymore so it is possible. Hell, maybe my insomnia can get better more. I could spend more time with my partner having fun and less us problem solving ways to make it through the day. The possibilities are limitless. I shouldn't let myself get to this point and be "good enough." I know that things can be better.
I wouldn't tell those I love or care about that where they are at now is where they should stay. You should never stop pushing yourself because we as humans we can always grow. If we make a mistake or fall it is ok. If we take a completely different path it is ok. I know that I can do more to help myself improve in my life. That is why I recently pushed myself to get back into yoga. Yes, will I have to push myself to go and also to go do other things with friends and get out more. It is scary but that is life. You never know what can happen..good or bad. Would you rather live life like a sitting duck or live it like a butterfly? If you know me, you know my answer.
<3 p="">
Friday, February 1, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
It's just another year. 2013
It is just another year. The world didn't end as many thought it would or the Mayan's predicted. The days just continue to a new month and the year goes from 2012 to 2013. I think for me that the realization of this is huge. For so many the New Year is filled with sooo many resolutions to lose weight, change this about themselves or some other goal that seems to rarely be reached. I think I may be a little more irritated than usual this year due to my work and school doing the Biggest Loser Challenge with the one at my work as a contest with weekly weigh-ins. HELLO I am done with those and NEVER again! I know for myself I can't do it. I am at healthy just as I am and will NOT subject myself to such torture. I used to do this and make goals to lose this much, exercise so much and change who I am. Let me just say this: It isn't worth it. Most people know that I believe with my heart and sole that diets and crazy exercising don't work. Now I don't think making fitness goals or goals to eat healthier is bad at all I just prefer to make goals year-round that are smaller and attainable. For example, I want to start getting back into yoga as it has physical and mental benefits.
Life is more than just going through the motions of it. For many years it was wake up, go to school, homework, bed, repeat. I would fit in food, family and friends if and when I felt like it. Now that isn't only not healthy but it isn't living. It also isn't necessarily showing empathy or being considerate to those who love me and support me. I am a human not a robot. For so long this was my life due to school and having a set schedule and now work added on. Now even though I still have a set schedule with work and school. I try to thrive rather than survive, although some days I only survive, as it is life. The word thrive has beautiful definitions: to grow vigorously, to gain in wealth or possessions, or my favorite one, to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. So to thrive, I try to relax, watch a TV show or two and eat dinner with my partner. We even will turn on the TV sometimes while doing homework or music. I plan to go out and spend time with my family or partner on the weekends or when I don't work. I am more considerate of how my schedule affects my partner and she and I both deserve and need time together as part of our relationship. I also regularly spend time with my parents, who I used to avoid at any cost. I think many people in society these days have to work a lot and have several things on their schedule for many reasons: economy, kids,schooling, and multiple jobs. I also think it is an active battle to balance a schedule, know what is too much and how to thrive.
So school just started again and it is my last semester before I graduate with my degree. I am really psyched and proud of myself because of all the barriers I have had to overcome and still are overcoming. I am proud I am doing it in three and a half years because I had to take time off for treatment and still graduating with my class. I am REALLY proud of my partner doing it in three years and graduating a year early! I am still working and actually have increased days/hours so it will be a challenge to manage it this semester. However, I have my voice and will speak up to my boss if I need to decrease my hours. She already told me she'd work with me. Right there, I am setting my limits too as I know what will be too much. I really love work at the treatment center with the teens. I really like giving back and being at a healthy place where I can. I have to keep myself in balance and continue to thrive so that I stay in a good place. Now yes, I still have my struggles and am pushing myself but I am also thriving, experiencing freedom, and being me! I never thought it would happen. So here is what I look forward to and goals for 2013.
Life is more than just going through the motions of it. For many years it was wake up, go to school, homework, bed, repeat. I would fit in food, family and friends if and when I felt like it. Now that isn't only not healthy but it isn't living. It also isn't necessarily showing empathy or being considerate to those who love me and support me. I am a human not a robot. For so long this was my life due to school and having a set schedule and now work added on. Now even though I still have a set schedule with work and school. I try to thrive rather than survive, although some days I only survive, as it is life. The word thrive has beautiful definitions: to grow vigorously, to gain in wealth or possessions, or my favorite one, to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. So to thrive, I try to relax, watch a TV show or two and eat dinner with my partner. We even will turn on the TV sometimes while doing homework or music. I plan to go out and spend time with my family or partner on the weekends or when I don't work. I am more considerate of how my schedule affects my partner and she and I both deserve and need time together as part of our relationship. I also regularly spend time with my parents, who I used to avoid at any cost. I think many people in society these days have to work a lot and have several things on their schedule for many reasons: economy, kids,schooling, and multiple jobs. I also think it is an active battle to balance a schedule, know what is too much and how to thrive.
So school just started again and it is my last semester before I graduate with my degree. I am really psyched and proud of myself because of all the barriers I have had to overcome and still are overcoming. I am proud I am doing it in three and a half years because I had to take time off for treatment and still graduating with my class. I am REALLY proud of my partner doing it in three years and graduating a year early! I am still working and actually have increased days/hours so it will be a challenge to manage it this semester. However, I have my voice and will speak up to my boss if I need to decrease my hours. She already told me she'd work with me. Right there, I am setting my limits too as I know what will be too much. I really love work at the treatment center with the teens. I really like giving back and being at a healthy place where I can. I have to keep myself in balance and continue to thrive so that I stay in a good place. Now yes, I still have my struggles and am pushing myself but I am also thriving, experiencing freedom, and being me! I never thought it would happen. So here is what I look forward to and goals for 2013.
2013
- Graduating in May with my Bachelors in Psychology
- Beginning yoga again to help gain strength and flexibility back(Hopefully with a friend)
- Travel during the summer SOMEWHERE with my partner
- Hopefully go to California in July (or around there).
- Blog weekly
- Begin to paint more frequently again
- Stay connected to more friends and supports
- Have FUN more often
- Stay healthy medically!
- Deciding where my partner and I are moving after our lease is up in July
- All of our TV shows especially Grey's Anatomy and GLEE!
- Getting my butterfly and my recovery tattoos touched up and maybe get my other one I want.
- Continue reading books I enjoy on top of textbooks
- Find new music I like (Suggestions are welcome)
- Continue to move forward towards my therapeutic goals in therapy
- Get outdoors more (when it isn't 9 degrees outside)!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
There's no turning back
Over the past couple months, since about August, I made some decisions that really did change my life in multiple ways in both good and bad and I am really proud that I did. I have no regrets whatsoever. At the end of summer there was a lot of drama going on with cheer and frankly I was starting to become bullied and people were being passive aggressive towards me for many months. Bullying is something I went through all through elementary through high school and it has played a huge role in who I am today, has made me stronger but it has also caused some of my challenges and PTSD. At first I decided I would just take it, but what message was I giving myself? That it ok for others to treat me this way and I just deal with it? I loved cheer and I miss it so much, especially some of the people on the team. I wanna make it clear that there were only four people that were really being negative towards me everything Cheer Salt Lake is NOT about supposedly. I decided after one practice of being "confronted" more like yelled at and blamed for everything and them also hating on Kelsey that I would not take it. I couldn't stop crying and I went back to the days I was in school being bullied; it was all the same. I quit the next day after crying about it for hours. I knew I had to do it for me.
That decision was one of the hardest decisions I made in my life. I say that because I did something to stand up for me and say, "NO this is NOT okay." I really miss it especially because it was a way I redefined my relationship with exercise from ED but I am now working on getting my physical health taken care of so I can go back to swimming or yoga. Easier on my joints and my asthma. I've also had to learn through this that I have got to be patient with myself. My body can only do so much. For years it was tortured, which was not my fault but then I beat it up and didn't treat it well either. I didn't nourish it or care for it like it needed but now I am REALLY grateful that my body is still here and alive for me. It is strong and gets stronger the longer I stay healthy and the more I continue to take care of it like seeing the doctors for my back pain from previous car accidents. By treating it well, even though I have to be patient I am going to get more out of it and not injure it again or further. I also started working at a substance abuse treatment center for teens about two months ago and working there has helped my self-esteem, confidence, and has continued to help me stay motivated in my own recovery.
Even though I have done really well the past couple years and haven't engaged in behaviors doesn't mean it is easy for me at all. The thoughts and feelings are still there just the outer unhealthy coping methods not so much. I am so thankful for those that have helped me during my journey and for my time at CFC and other treatment/therapy I have had the gift to receive. Not everyone is privileged and gets a second chance at life or even a third or fourth. I am so grateful for it and so grateful for all of my friends and everyone I have met through this battle too as I know people who have lost their lives. I refuse to waste this chance. I may still hit a bump here or there, have a bad day every now or then but I know I can do this. I will achieve my goals. Yes, I am really scared because after this year when I graduate with my bachelors in May I have no clue what will happen or where I will be (with Kelsey but other than that who knows). But I do know I will have Kelsey, my family and my recovery. The rest of it will figure the rest of itself out.
That decision was one of the hardest decisions I made in my life. I say that because I did something to stand up for me and say, "NO this is NOT okay." I really miss it especially because it was a way I redefined my relationship with exercise from ED but I am now working on getting my physical health taken care of so I can go back to swimming or yoga. Easier on my joints and my asthma. I've also had to learn through this that I have got to be patient with myself. My body can only do so much. For years it was tortured, which was not my fault but then I beat it up and didn't treat it well either. I didn't nourish it or care for it like it needed but now I am REALLY grateful that my body is still here and alive for me. It is strong and gets stronger the longer I stay healthy and the more I continue to take care of it like seeing the doctors for my back pain from previous car accidents. By treating it well, even though I have to be patient I am going to get more out of it and not injure it again or further. I also started working at a substance abuse treatment center for teens about two months ago and working there has helped my self-esteem, confidence, and has continued to help me stay motivated in my own recovery.
Even though I have done really well the past couple years and haven't engaged in behaviors doesn't mean it is easy for me at all. The thoughts and feelings are still there just the outer unhealthy coping methods not so much. I am so thankful for those that have helped me during my journey and for my time at CFC and other treatment/therapy I have had the gift to receive. Not everyone is privileged and gets a second chance at life or even a third or fourth. I am so grateful for it and so grateful for all of my friends and everyone I have met through this battle too as I know people who have lost their lives. I refuse to waste this chance. I may still hit a bump here or there, have a bad day every now or then but I know I can do this. I will achieve my goals. Yes, I am really scared because after this year when I graduate with my bachelors in May I have no clue what will happen or where I will be (with Kelsey but other than that who knows). But I do know I will have Kelsey, my family and my recovery. The rest of it will figure the rest of itself out.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
I'm back!
So I took my blog down for a while because I was searching for a job and worried about it. I also was debating of switching to wordpress or to stop blogging until grad school applications are sent and know what is happening. I have now found out I can delete the link between my Goggle account. So I did that. I will actually post a real post tomorrow as I do have a post that I want to but am leaving soon to head up to Park City with my mom and Kelsey for a rally. Love you all.
Friday, June 29, 2012
One day I will be free
So I haven't really posted on here much lately for a few reason. 1) I haven't really been in the best place to write. 2) I have been tremendously busy with life since I've been back from Thailand. 3) I just needed a break. So To be honest things have kinda gotten hard for me again. I've started to struggle more than usual with negative body image thoughts and negative self-talk. Oh and Ed is trying to take control over food again but thanks to Kelsey still staying on track for the most part.
Struggling. I try to avoid that word and having to do that. I rather hide and put a mask on. Pretend everything is okay but where does that get me? What do I learn; what am I showing others around me? I don't know if I affect others in my life and help them but I try to do my best and use my skills, not just give up and throw down the towel. Easier said than done though. I learn that if I let others in, by trusting them, that it does get easier to get back on track and to just be me. I don't have to be strong and happy all the time. I am human too. I am not perfect and don't know everything, even just about myself. It's okay to struggle and even okay to ask for help. What a concept! It's taken me years and years to grasp that, but with practice and more practice it has gotten easier. My friends, family, those I have met in Tennessee, at CFC and after and those from school have helped me learn this and how to trust. Without others in my life I wouldn't be able to do what I do today, such as be in school, cheer again, be happy with my family, more content with my body (most days), majority of the time ED is gone and I feel and experience more freedom each and every day. Maybe and hopefully I will get into graduate school next year for psych but maybe not. I will work about that come this fall/spring. However, slowly it does get better.
My blog is titled: Courage, Strength and Healing. I truly believe with courage and strength healing is possible but you don't just get courage and strength automatically or alone. I believe that it is necessary to ask for others to help you along the way. Some will help you for a reason, a season or a lifetime. In time I know I will have be free from Ed. He might be around in a sense I must live with appropriate caution but maybe he will go away completely. I won't worry about it until I come to that point. Sometimes I envision myself standing at a wall, but I have a wall that is not solid but has cracks in it. I have a wall that has a end to it and is climbable with support from those around me. It is a somewhat clear wall; I see what I want but not all of the details. I will get over to the other side one day at a time. I believe any person can overcome any obstacle in their life. It just takes practice and time. Don't get up. You're never alone and there are always people around to support you. One step at a time.
A dear friend of mine that has helped me so much in my journey, especially lately recently wrote an amzing blog and I want to share it.
Humility a lesson from a great mentor
Struggling. I try to avoid that word and having to do that. I rather hide and put a mask on. Pretend everything is okay but where does that get me? What do I learn; what am I showing others around me? I don't know if I affect others in my life and help them but I try to do my best and use my skills, not just give up and throw down the towel. Easier said than done though. I learn that if I let others in, by trusting them, that it does get easier to get back on track and to just be me. I don't have to be strong and happy all the time. I am human too. I am not perfect and don't know everything, even just about myself. It's okay to struggle and even okay to ask for help. What a concept! It's taken me years and years to grasp that, but with practice and more practice it has gotten easier. My friends, family, those I have met in Tennessee, at CFC and after and those from school have helped me learn this and how to trust. Without others in my life I wouldn't be able to do what I do today, such as be in school, cheer again, be happy with my family, more content with my body (most days), majority of the time ED is gone and I feel and experience more freedom each and every day. Maybe and hopefully I will get into graduate school next year for psych but maybe not. I will work about that come this fall/spring. However, slowly it does get better.
My blog is titled: Courage, Strength and Healing. I truly believe with courage and strength healing is possible but you don't just get courage and strength automatically or alone. I believe that it is necessary to ask for others to help you along the way. Some will help you for a reason, a season or a lifetime. In time I know I will have be free from Ed. He might be around in a sense I must live with appropriate caution but maybe he will go away completely. I won't worry about it until I come to that point. Sometimes I envision myself standing at a wall, but I have a wall that is not solid but has cracks in it. I have a wall that has a end to it and is climbable with support from those around me. It is a somewhat clear wall; I see what I want but not all of the details. I will get over to the other side one day at a time. I believe any person can overcome any obstacle in their life. It just takes practice and time. Don't get up. You're never alone and there are always people around to support you. One step at a time.
A dear friend of mine that has helped me so much in my journey, especially lately recently wrote an amzing blog and I want to share it.
Humility a lesson from a great mentor
Thursday, May 24, 2012
thailand highlights
- i have gotten to learn about a new culture and have broadened my mind about ways of life and about the world
- i have learned more and developed more global citizenship skills
- i have been to some amazing and beutiful buddhist wats and the grrand palace among with many temples and other wonderful places
- i have gotten to do some amazing service work with children and thai students and had the chance to learn from others and gotten more from them then what i have done. i have helped with building concrete strructures to clean water for a village and children, paint teacher's dorms, and garden. i have supported local economies buy buying hand madde goods and textiles. though some of this will only make a short change and doesn't change the world it does help...oh and treated lice and done health assessments on children.
- i have learned some Thai language and more about the food and Buddhism...i love Buddhism.
- i have absolutely had some of the best time of my life and learned so much.
- i have met some of the most amazing people from my school, Suan Dusit University in Thailand and all the children, villagers, policeman and everyone i have come across from.
- i have gotten out of my comfort zone.
- i have learned that i can handle recovery away from home and i can also be away from Kelsey and my parents. Never been gone this long without contact or visits. it has been hard but i amdoing pretty good.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Thailand Bound!
This time tomorrow I will be on a plane to San Francisco, Taipei and then onto Thailand nearly 24hrs flying total between 3 flights. I am going as part of a May term class that the focus of the study experience as copied from the course description, "to explore concepts in global citizenship and responsibility in the 21st
century by understanding the educational, health and developmental needs
of rural Thai citizens as well as indigenous populations through
cultural immersion and active participation in service projects designed
to provide benefits to the local peoples. Students will participate in
service projects in two distinct rural Thai villages, one near the
Burmese border in Mae Sot, and one in the rural Northeast near Khon
Kaen, that will help alleviate some of the health, educational and
developmental issues present, while staying with local families within
the villages. Other activities will include tours of historically
significant sites in Thailand, sightseeing in Bangkok as well as
spending a day with Burmese refugee children at a refugee school and
visiting an HIV/AIDS hospice." So what do I really expect out of this trip for myself personally but also just what the hell do I think is going to happen beyond the course description.
If it is one thing that I know for sure, at least in my case, I learn more outside and between classes than ever in the classroom. I really thrive in the 'real world' hands on applications, and just doing something. So will I be changing the world over there? No. Will I make a difference to someone or to some community? I hope so but there is never a guarantee. I can set out and do the motions of the trip and all but doing that doesn't mean I will learn anything. I am going into this trip feeling so many different things.
I am feeling scared for being away from home and my partner for so long. I am nervous about being in a new culture and adapting but also excited for it. I am grateful for the opportunity given to me to go by my family, especially my parents, and also for my recovery as 3 years ago when I wanted and begged to go on this trip they said. "no" because I wasn't healthy. Now 3 years later with some major things changed and some still a work in progress, as I am not perfect and this is a long marathon, I get to go. I am anxious to be around so many new people but thankful I have connected kinda with 1 or 2. Others I know a little from our fundraiser events but excited to hopefully make more friends. I am kinda glad I will be disconnected mainly from the rest of the world and my life. I am eager to learn so much about Thailand, the language, Thai and Buddhist culture and everything in between. Glad I am bringing my journal too as internet access will be limited to hotels and not so much in the villages. However, if anyone wants to keep up with my trip they should follow this blog: Thailand Blog where we are all going to be writing blogs occassionally, have already posted some great research about Thailand.I did mine on mental health care (to describe it in general terms) in Thailand and it can be found here: Mental Health Care In Thailand. If you have a Facebook there will be pictures posted on the May term Facebook page where you can 'like' it and it will show up in your newsfeed if there are new stuff here: Facebook Page
So I think all in all, yes I have some much going in my head but I think in the end I am just taking it as it comes. One thing at a time and I know I will be ok and thrive. I know I have the courage within myself to do this and the strength to be gone away from home and sustain recovery. It is 24 days long but I will be ok. So until June don't expect a call, text, or email, FB etc. Some of you will get them probably anyways the day I land but I will have major jet lag come May30th from 20+ hours of flying and Bangkok is 13hrs ahead so I will be losing all of that come then too. I can do this.
Devyn
If it is one thing that I know for sure, at least in my case, I learn more outside and between classes than ever in the classroom. I really thrive in the 'real world' hands on applications, and just doing something. So will I be changing the world over there? No. Will I make a difference to someone or to some community? I hope so but there is never a guarantee. I can set out and do the motions of the trip and all but doing that doesn't mean I will learn anything. I am going into this trip feeling so many different things.
I am feeling scared for being away from home and my partner for so long. I am nervous about being in a new culture and adapting but also excited for it. I am grateful for the opportunity given to me to go by my family, especially my parents, and also for my recovery as 3 years ago when I wanted and begged to go on this trip they said. "no" because I wasn't healthy. Now 3 years later with some major things changed and some still a work in progress, as I am not perfect and this is a long marathon, I get to go. I am anxious to be around so many new people but thankful I have connected kinda with 1 or 2. Others I know a little from our fundraiser events but excited to hopefully make more friends. I am kinda glad I will be disconnected mainly from the rest of the world and my life. I am eager to learn so much about Thailand, the language, Thai and Buddhist culture and everything in between. Glad I am bringing my journal too as internet access will be limited to hotels and not so much in the villages. However, if anyone wants to keep up with my trip they should follow this blog: Thailand Blog where we are all going to be writing blogs occassionally, have already posted some great research about Thailand.I did mine on mental health care (to describe it in general terms) in Thailand and it can be found here: Mental Health Care In Thailand. If you have a Facebook there will be pictures posted on the May term Facebook page where you can 'like' it and it will show up in your newsfeed if there are new stuff here: Facebook Page
So I think all in all, yes I have some much going in my head but I think in the end I am just taking it as it comes. One thing at a time and I know I will be ok and thrive. I know I have the courage within myself to do this and the strength to be gone away from home and sustain recovery. It is 24 days long but I will be ok. So until June don't expect a call, text, or email, FB etc. Some of you will get them probably anyways the day I land but I will have major jet lag come May30th from 20+ hours of flying and Bangkok is 13hrs ahead so I will be losing all of that come then too. I can do this.
Devyn
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Grateful for Cheerleading and Recovery
Today was just a really awesome and amazing experience. Today was my first performance of the season with my cheer team Cheer Salt Lake and it was great to be in a place where I can cheer again and be in a healthy place mind AND body. We also are a cheer for charity team, which provides a somewhat different atmosphere as we raise money for those with life threatening diseases. I will not say that I am always at this equilibrium of always having healthy thoughts about myself and my body in general or when it comes to cheer but when I think back to other years and from how far I have come I have come a million miles so to speak. I truly and honestly believe that with all of my heart. I am so grateful for my recovery as without it I wouldn't be able to cheer today.
Cheerleading is and has always been a part of my life since third grade. Throughout those years there were the good, bad, and well how about plain old sick times but I don't regret it. Cheer has always given me that sense of freedom and pride. It has always made me feel proud to be who I am. Even when I was bullied in school, those years I was a cheerleader at least those on the team, usually only during the games and practices etc., were nice and accepted me. It was something that I needed. It has always been a healthy outlet to relieve stress and to get away from other pressures in life, however, I was not always healthy while in cheer. I am proud I can say that has changed and will remain that way. I'm to the point where I can't and refuse to let my eating disorder take what I love in my life away from me. I'm a fighter. I may be really stubborn too but that does have some benefits.
If there has been one thing I have learned over the years and that has really stuck out to me today is that you should never give up on your dreams or goals that you have in life. When I was told in high school by my treatment team and doctors that I could not only not cheer but not exercise at all I thought that would be my life sentence and would never change. I had no hope to be able to return to my passion. Now they were right to pull me from cheer as it saved my life no doubt as my body couldn't physically or medically take it as well as I wasn't the best emotionally but as my recovery has evolved, changed, and I have remained largely free from eating disorder behaviors and thoughts the freedom for me to chose and make new goals and dreams have appeared and my old ones have come back. I am back cheering and though I might be in a different spot in many ways I am still so grateful everything has happened the way it has because I wouldn't have the moments like this to appreciate and be grateful for.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Where to go from here?
For several months now, over a year really, I have been doing extremely well in my recovery behavior wise. Along with that the negative thoughts and thinking patterns have largely diminished as well. They are still present but not every day like in the past. I never could have imagined that I would have gotten to this point. I owe much of it to the work I did at Center for Change with the amazing therapists, especially KB, and all the care techs. Also the retreats in Tennessee I have participated in over the past 3 years have immensely improved my journey of recovery and my life. They both have saved my life. I would go back to either of them if I felt the need to, especially the retreats as they give me a big recovery boost.
I have experienced a lot of freedom from my eating disorder and other issues that I have been working really hard on. I can go out of my house and not worry about having to put a mask on. I can feel my feelings and cry. I can ask others for support; but this one can still use definite work. I can go exercise and know my limits and no obsess about losing weigh. I eat intuitively, what I want, when I want and know when to stop. Intuitive eating was one of the hardest things to even grasp at CFC.
I wonder what to do from here? I am living a pretty good life. I have some friends and go out and do things. Is there anywhere to go? I recently asked a close friend that is fully recovered what can really get better if I'm not engaging in behaviors and I'm already doing things in my life I want to do? She told me that, "Life only gets better as your recovery strengthen and grows so yes, it can get even better. The lies Ed continues to tell you do have the ability to be gone forever. Your relationship with him is changing and as you get stronger his grip on you will become nill. You deserve all that recovery gives and you can achieve it. You are working hard on yourself, the relationship to find your true self and your recovery and you will be rewarded for your efforts and commitment. Don’t give up and continue to move forward, I promise it does get even better. You are worth it. Keep up the great work Devyn and never forget that I love you and believe in you. Stay strong and always believe!!!!" I felt the need to post that because I believe that it is true. I deserve for my life to be not just pretty good but amazing. Everyone has good and bad days but overall perspective on my life and how I feel about myself can continue to change. I know there are a few negative sayings that Ed tells me and holds pretty strong reins over me and I need to work on those. I know I need to continue to reach out for support so I am actively trying to connect with one friend every day! (I even programmed it in the calendar in my phone!)
I also quit my job about a week ago and I am proud that I put myself first. I would usually never do that when I was in my eating disorder. I have also decided that until school is over, at the end of April and when I get back at the end of May from my month long trip to Thailand, that I am not working. It makes no sense and I could use the extra study time. I've also decided that I need to find a better therapist that will push me and specializes in more of what I need. So the search is on. I've even considered going back to a dietician when I start work again just to get a better help on what will fuel my body more. But right now I am focused on the here and now, which brings me to my final thought.
I've finally decided on my second tattoo. I've wanted it on my other wrist for various reasons. It will have the eating disorder recovery symbol in lavender and Chose To Live Today in script. It is about making the decision each day. Today I chose recovery. I chose to live and take the next steps to do. I chose to do whatever it takes to further whatever it is to a better fuller life.
I have experienced a lot of freedom from my eating disorder and other issues that I have been working really hard on. I can go out of my house and not worry about having to put a mask on. I can feel my feelings and cry. I can ask others for support; but this one can still use definite work. I can go exercise and know my limits and no obsess about losing weigh. I eat intuitively, what I want, when I want and know when to stop. Intuitive eating was one of the hardest things to even grasp at CFC.
I wonder what to do from here? I am living a pretty good life. I have some friends and go out and do things. Is there anywhere to go? I recently asked a close friend that is fully recovered what can really get better if I'm not engaging in behaviors and I'm already doing things in my life I want to do? She told me that, "Life only gets better as your recovery strengthen and grows so yes, it can get even better. The lies Ed continues to tell you do have the ability to be gone forever. Your relationship with him is changing and as you get stronger his grip on you will become nill. You deserve all that recovery gives and you can achieve it. You are working hard on yourself, the relationship to find your true self and your recovery and you will be rewarded for your efforts and commitment. Don’t give up and continue to move forward, I promise it does get even better. You are worth it. Keep up the great work Devyn and never forget that I love you and believe in you. Stay strong and always believe!!!!" I felt the need to post that because I believe that it is true. I deserve for my life to be not just pretty good but amazing. Everyone has good and bad days but overall perspective on my life and how I feel about myself can continue to change. I know there are a few negative sayings that Ed tells me and holds pretty strong reins over me and I need to work on those. I know I need to continue to reach out for support so I am actively trying to connect with one friend every day! (I even programmed it in the calendar in my phone!)
I also quit my job about a week ago and I am proud that I put myself first. I would usually never do that when I was in my eating disorder. I have also decided that until school is over, at the end of April and when I get back at the end of May from my month long trip to Thailand, that I am not working. It makes no sense and I could use the extra study time. I've also decided that I need to find a better therapist that will push me and specializes in more of what I need. So the search is on. I've even considered going back to a dietician when I start work again just to get a better help on what will fuel my body more. But right now I am focused on the here and now, which brings me to my final thought.
I've finally decided on my second tattoo. I've wanted it on my other wrist for various reasons. It will have the eating disorder recovery symbol in lavender and Chose To Live Today in script. It is about making the decision each day. Today I chose recovery. I chose to live and take the next steps to do. I chose to do whatever it takes to further whatever it is to a better fuller life.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Cheerleading and Eating Disorders
So just in case I am putting a little warning for those who do struggle with ED....I do talk about what causes ED and what some of the health problems are (only what is posted on NEDA)...nothing you probably don't already know. But use your wise mind and be your best judge. Other than that I talk about cheerleading and eating disorders and yeah.
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So at the end of the month National ED Awareness Week (February 26-March 3, 2012). I have in some of my blogs mentioned to some extent mentioned that I am in recovery....from what well a few things some are which are private but I am going to talk right now about my recovery from an eating disorder. There are a few reasons why I am doing this. One is that there are so many misconceptions about them, two is that there are some personal benefits of writing for me :), and finally it is awareness week next week and this year the theme is Everybody knows Somebody. I think that it totally true. I know many people, partially those I have been in treatment with but I also know of friends that I know outside of that world that have struggled as well, even before me. Eating disorders kill. Let me begin with that. These past two years I have known five friends that died from eating disorders or eating disorder complications. Those were 5 too many precious lives lost to a deadly disease. So Eating disorders -- such as anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder, and EDNOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified) -- include extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are serious emotional and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and males.
ANOREXIA NERVOSA is characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss.
Symptoms include:
• Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for height, body
type, age, and activity level
• Intense fear of weight gain or being “fat”
• Feeling “fat” or overweight despite dramatic weight loss
• Loss of menstrual periods
• Extreme concern with body weight and shape
BULIMIA NERVOSA is characterized by a secretive cycle of binge eating followed by purging.
Bulimia includes eating large amounts of food--more than most people would eat in one meal--in short
periods of time, then getting rid of the food and calories through vomiting, laxative abuse, or overexercising.
Symptoms include:
• Repeated episodes of bingeing and purging
• Feeling out of control during a binge and eating beyond the point of comfortable fullness
• Purging after a binge, (typically by self-induced vomiting, abuse of laxatives, diet pills
and/or diuretics, excessive exercise, or fasting)
• Frequent dieting
• Extreme concern with body weight and shape
BINGE EATING DISORDER (also known as COMPULSIVE OVEREATING) is
characterized primarily by periods of uncontrolled, impulsive, or continuous eating beyond the point of
feeling comfortably full. While there is no purging, there may be sporadic fasts or repetitive diets and
often feelings of shame or self-hatred after a binge. People who overeat compulsively may struggle with
anxiety, depression, and loneliness, which can contribute to their unhealthy episodes of binge eating.
Body weight may vary from normal to mild, moderate, or severe obesity.
EDNOS- can include some combination of the signs and symptoms
of anorexia, bulimia, and/or binge eating disorder. While these behaviors may not be clinically
considered a full syndrome eating disorder, they can still be physically dangerous and emotionally
draining. All eating disorders require professional help. Some of the heath consequences of eating disorders are:
Health Consequences of Anorexia Nervosa: In anorexia nervosa’s cycle of self-starvation,
the body is denied the essential nutrients it needs to function normally. Thus, the body is forced to
slow down all of its processes to conserve energy, resulting in serious medical consequences:
• Abnormally slow heart rate and low blood pressure, which mean that the heart muscle is
changing. The risk for heart failure rises as the heart rate and blood pressure levels sink
lower and lower.
• Reduction of bone density (osteoporosis), which results in dry, brittle bones.
• Muscle loss and weakness.
• Severe dehydration, which can result in kidney failure.
• Fainting, fatigue, and overall weakness.
• Dry hair and skin; hair loss is common.
• Growth of a downy layer of hair called lanugo all over the body, including the face, in an
effort to keep the body warm.
Health Consequences of Bulimia Nervosa: The recurrent binge-and-purge cycles of
bulimia can affect the entire digestive system and can lead to electrolyte and chemical imbalances
in the body that affect the heart and other major organ functions. Some of the health consequences
of bulimia nervosa include:
– Electrolyte imbalances that can lead to irregular heartbeats and possibly heart failure and
death. Electrolyte imbalance is caused by dehydration and loss of potassium, sodium and
chloride from the body as a result of purging behaviors.
– Potential for gastric rupture during periods of bingeing.
– Inflammation and possible rupture of the esophagus from frequent vomiting.
– Tooth decay and staining from stomach acids released during frequent vomiting.
– Chronic irregular bowel movements and constipation as a result of laxative abuse.
– Peptic ulcers and pancreatitis.
Health Consequences of Binge Eating Disorder: Binge eating disorder often results in
many of the same health risks associated with clinical obesity. Some of the potential health
consequences of binge eating disorder include:
– High blood pressure.
– High cholesterol levels.
– Heart disease as a result of elevated triglyceride levels.
– Type II diabetes mellitus.
– Gallbladder disease.
These are from the-National Eating Disorder Association
Personally, I have struggled with an eating disorder but it doesn't matter which one because the symptoms might be different but the outcome is still the same. It also can lead to triggering information for those in recovery that I am not going to post on here. I can however say, that I have been in and out of treatment all through high school including inpatient, residential, PHP, and outpatient...so every level of care out there. I have also been to 4 places for treatment because this disease is so hard to fight and it is one that at first I didn't completely have the energy to fight. I can also say I have been out of Center for Change where I last was at for inpatient and day (PHP) treatment for 15 months and I have been free of ED behaviors since my discharge (and during because you can't get away with crap at CFC). That doesn't mean I still don't have my struggles but now I am getting to what are the root causes because after all the real problems are not the food. This disease for me was cause by several factors but one that I want to focus on tonight that was once unhealthy for me is now healthy and that is cheerleading/dancing. Cheerleading was one of the factors that contributed to my ED. Now I also do take responsibility for my actions but I also started cheering when I was nine years old so my responsibility level and awareness at that age and up til about 15 was not as strong. However, I acknowledge my choices and actions.
Anyways, cheerleading is a sport that often puts a lot of emphasis on beauty and weight. Even at a young age we were told what to eat and not eat. What we should be weighing and that we needed to exercise everyday. Now I encourage healthy eating and exercise especially in children but I believe in intuitive eating and loving guidance from parents, not from cheer coaches. Well the thing is I kept cheering all throughout my childhood which was good in some ways, I made some friends and was active in school but also it was bad for my mental health. Did my parents know...well not really especially at first. I was just a "picky" eater. Well, eventually I had a mental breakdown and was physically unstable and needed help. My parents noticed too and got it for me and then evnetually I began to get better and healthier. Then that went downhill again after treatment. This happened a lot until Center for Change. Am I saying it won't happen again...most likely not...at least not for ED as for some of my other diagnoses I cannnot say but I am who I am. Taking one day at a time is all that I can do.
About a month and a half ago I joined an adult community of cheerleaders forming here in Salt Lake. It is a all-volunteer adult cheer-for charity squad whose mission is to raise money for people living with HIV/AIDS, breast cancer and other life threatening conditions through the sport of cheerleading. As a proud member of the PCA (Pride Cheerleading Association), we are composed of adults of all ages, body types, races, religions, genders, and sexual orientations. Cheer Salt Lake values the beautiful diversity our community offers and believes that together we will work hard to provide the most exhilarating crowd-pleasing performances so that we may help those in need. Each team of the Pride Cheerleading Association are hard working fundraisers for what we call ‘Cheer for Life.’ As a fundraising group who cheers, we seek to enhance the quality of life for those living with HIV/AIDS and other life threatening conditions by not only raising money for local charities, but by raising the spirits and hopes of the community and inspiring people to always strive for their personal best. Furthermore, we celebrate the beauty and diversity of all the members of our community. Eating disorders are also diseases that are life-threatening and are also so often connected to the sport of cheerleading. A study recently conducted of Division I and II college cheerleaders (both male and females) said that there were 33.1 percent had some risk of eating disorder characteristics and/or behaviors. Cheerleaders on teams with midriff uniforms were most disposed to body-image issues. Ok well midriff uniforms are being used in cheerleaders and dancers as young as 5 these days!!!! Also a lot of cheerleaders go on diets...diets don't work. Promise. If you want to learn more about your hunger/fullness and others get this book called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA. It is the CFC Bible basically and an AMAZING book I think everyone should read honestly.
This time I am doing cheer with a whole new body basically. I am now nourished and my weight has definitely changed (FOR THE BETTER!!) and I am healthy. My mind is in a better place most practices and days and it allows my body to function and to do the things it needs to do. Has it presented challenges? Yes! I am having to re-learn previous skills that came quite easy for me especially my tumbling. I am also having to re-learn how to fly again being used to my body and aware of it and also how to base correctly again and building up muscle in the right areas. But this aspect that was once so unhealthy for me is now probably one of my best coping skills in recovery.
"There is no cure... (but)... there is a solution. That solution is recovery."-Jenni Schaefer
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So at the end of the month National ED Awareness Week (February 26-March 3, 2012). I have in some of my blogs mentioned to some extent mentioned that I am in recovery....from what well a few things some are which are private but I am going to talk right now about my recovery from an eating disorder. There are a few reasons why I am doing this. One is that there are so many misconceptions about them, two is that there are some personal benefits of writing for me :), and finally it is awareness week next week and this year the theme is Everybody knows Somebody. I think that it totally true. I know many people, partially those I have been in treatment with but I also know of friends that I know outside of that world that have struggled as well, even before me. Eating disorders kill. Let me begin with that. These past two years I have known five friends that died from eating disorders or eating disorder complications. Those were 5 too many precious lives lost to a deadly disease. So Eating disorders -- such as anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder, and EDNOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified) -- include extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are serious emotional and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and males.
ANOREXIA NERVOSA is characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss.
Symptoms include:
• Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for height, body
type, age, and activity level
• Intense fear of weight gain or being “fat”
• Feeling “fat” or overweight despite dramatic weight loss
• Loss of menstrual periods
• Extreme concern with body weight and shape
BULIMIA NERVOSA is characterized by a secretive cycle of binge eating followed by purging.
Bulimia includes eating large amounts of food--more than most people would eat in one meal--in short
periods of time, then getting rid of the food and calories through vomiting, laxative abuse, or overexercising.
Symptoms include:
• Repeated episodes of bingeing and purging
• Feeling out of control during a binge and eating beyond the point of comfortable fullness
• Purging after a binge, (typically by self-induced vomiting, abuse of laxatives, diet pills
and/or diuretics, excessive exercise, or fasting)
• Frequent dieting
• Extreme concern with body weight and shape
BINGE EATING DISORDER (also known as COMPULSIVE OVEREATING) is
characterized primarily by periods of uncontrolled, impulsive, or continuous eating beyond the point of
feeling comfortably full. While there is no purging, there may be sporadic fasts or repetitive diets and
often feelings of shame or self-hatred after a binge. People who overeat compulsively may struggle with
anxiety, depression, and loneliness, which can contribute to their unhealthy episodes of binge eating.
Body weight may vary from normal to mild, moderate, or severe obesity.
EDNOS- can include some combination of the signs and symptoms
of anorexia, bulimia, and/or binge eating disorder. While these behaviors may not be clinically
considered a full syndrome eating disorder, they can still be physically dangerous and emotionally
draining. All eating disorders require professional help. Some of the heath consequences of eating disorders are:
Health Consequences of Anorexia Nervosa: In anorexia nervosa’s cycle of self-starvation,
the body is denied the essential nutrients it needs to function normally. Thus, the body is forced to
slow down all of its processes to conserve energy, resulting in serious medical consequences:
• Abnormally slow heart rate and low blood pressure, which mean that the heart muscle is
changing. The risk for heart failure rises as the heart rate and blood pressure levels sink
lower and lower.
• Reduction of bone density (osteoporosis), which results in dry, brittle bones.
• Muscle loss and weakness.
• Severe dehydration, which can result in kidney failure.
• Fainting, fatigue, and overall weakness.
• Dry hair and skin; hair loss is common.
• Growth of a downy layer of hair called lanugo all over the body, including the face, in an
effort to keep the body warm.
Health Consequences of Bulimia Nervosa: The recurrent binge-and-purge cycles of
bulimia can affect the entire digestive system and can lead to electrolyte and chemical imbalances
in the body that affect the heart and other major organ functions. Some of the health consequences
of bulimia nervosa include:
– Electrolyte imbalances that can lead to irregular heartbeats and possibly heart failure and
death. Electrolyte imbalance is caused by dehydration and loss of potassium, sodium and
chloride from the body as a result of purging behaviors.
– Potential for gastric rupture during periods of bingeing.
– Inflammation and possible rupture of the esophagus from frequent vomiting.
– Tooth decay and staining from stomach acids released during frequent vomiting.
– Chronic irregular bowel movements and constipation as a result of laxative abuse.
– Peptic ulcers and pancreatitis.
Health Consequences of Binge Eating Disorder: Binge eating disorder often results in
many of the same health risks associated with clinical obesity. Some of the potential health
consequences of binge eating disorder include:
– High blood pressure.
– High cholesterol levels.
– Heart disease as a result of elevated triglyceride levels.
– Type II diabetes mellitus.
– Gallbladder disease.
These are from the-National Eating Disorder Association
Personally, I have struggled with an eating disorder but it doesn't matter which one because the symptoms might be different but the outcome is still the same. It also can lead to triggering information for those in recovery that I am not going to post on here. I can however say, that I have been in and out of treatment all through high school including inpatient, residential, PHP, and outpatient...so every level of care out there. I have also been to 4 places for treatment because this disease is so hard to fight and it is one that at first I didn't completely have the energy to fight. I can also say I have been out of Center for Change where I last was at for inpatient and day (PHP) treatment for 15 months and I have been free of ED behaviors since my discharge (and during because you can't get away with crap at CFC). That doesn't mean I still don't have my struggles but now I am getting to what are the root causes because after all the real problems are not the food. This disease for me was cause by several factors but one that I want to focus on tonight that was once unhealthy for me is now healthy and that is cheerleading/dancing. Cheerleading was one of the factors that contributed to my ED. Now I also do take responsibility for my actions but I also started cheering when I was nine years old so my responsibility level and awareness at that age and up til about 15 was not as strong. However, I acknowledge my choices and actions.
Anyways, cheerleading is a sport that often puts a lot of emphasis on beauty and weight. Even at a young age we were told what to eat and not eat. What we should be weighing and that we needed to exercise everyday. Now I encourage healthy eating and exercise especially in children but I believe in intuitive eating and loving guidance from parents, not from cheer coaches. Well the thing is I kept cheering all throughout my childhood which was good in some ways, I made some friends and was active in school but also it was bad for my mental health. Did my parents know...well not really especially at first. I was just a "picky" eater. Well, eventually I had a mental breakdown and was physically unstable and needed help. My parents noticed too and got it for me and then evnetually I began to get better and healthier. Then that went downhill again after treatment. This happened a lot until Center for Change. Am I saying it won't happen again...most likely not...at least not for ED as for some of my other diagnoses I cannnot say but I am who I am. Taking one day at a time is all that I can do.
About a month and a half ago I joined an adult community of cheerleaders forming here in Salt Lake. It is a all-volunteer adult cheer-for charity squad whose mission is to raise money for people living with HIV/AIDS, breast cancer and other life threatening conditions through the sport of cheerleading. As a proud member of the PCA (Pride Cheerleading Association), we are composed of adults of all ages, body types, races, religions, genders, and sexual orientations. Cheer Salt Lake values the beautiful diversity our community offers and believes that together we will work hard to provide the most exhilarating crowd-pleasing performances so that we may help those in need. Each team of the Pride Cheerleading Association are hard working fundraisers for what we call ‘Cheer for Life.’ As a fundraising group who cheers, we seek to enhance the quality of life for those living with HIV/AIDS and other life threatening conditions by not only raising money for local charities, but by raising the spirits and hopes of the community and inspiring people to always strive for their personal best. Furthermore, we celebrate the beauty and diversity of all the members of our community. Eating disorders are also diseases that are life-threatening and are also so often connected to the sport of cheerleading. A study recently conducted of Division I and II college cheerleaders (both male and females) said that there were 33.1 percent had some risk of eating disorder characteristics and/or behaviors. Cheerleaders on teams with midriff uniforms were most disposed to body-image issues. Ok well midriff uniforms are being used in cheerleaders and dancers as young as 5 these days!!!! Also a lot of cheerleaders go on diets...diets don't work. Promise. If you want to learn more about your hunger/fullness and others get this book called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA. It is the CFC Bible basically and an AMAZING book I think everyone should read honestly.
This time I am doing cheer with a whole new body basically. I am now nourished and my weight has definitely changed (FOR THE BETTER!!) and I am healthy. My mind is in a better place most practices and days and it allows my body to function and to do the things it needs to do. Has it presented challenges? Yes! I am having to re-learn previous skills that came quite easy for me especially my tumbling. I am also having to re-learn how to fly again being used to my body and aware of it and also how to base correctly again and building up muscle in the right areas. But this aspect that was once so unhealthy for me is now probably one of my best coping skills in recovery.
"There is no cure... (but)... there is a solution. That solution is recovery."-Jenni Schaefer
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Stronger
These past 2 weeks or so have been insane to say the least...emotionally, physically, mentally with school and anyway you can name it. There has been one thing though that has kept me going and it has been being able to breathe and use my voice to get my needs met! For the longest time those are two things that I could never do and for many reasons it was best not to (the reasons why don't matter and are personal). But what didn't kill me made me stronger. I have been trying to balance being alone vs. isolation and stepping out of my bubble and still not pushing myself too much to where I will break. It is a very hard balancing act and tiring. It is hard when you add school, work, cheer and family/relationship. However, the thing is it doesn't matter if it is hard because it is worth it to fight and even if I fall I will be able to stand back up because I have done this before. I have done really really well and haven't engaged in any ED behaviors in over a year now and I was beginning to feel myself slipping and I reach out for help. I thought to myself, WHOA this is bad....wait no it isn't. It is ok to have the thoughts and whatnot as long as I reach out for help I am ok. So this song has been amazing for me lately and been keeping me going. I don't encourage isolation as being alone is different...and Communication with friends, family, partners and using and asking for support is key in recovery but alone time for me is the KEY too.
"What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"-Kelly Clarkson
You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want
You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you
You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
[2x]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
Monday, January 9, 2012
Perspective
A new year and a new perspective. I don't know why but for me I seem to see life differently, in a more calm and open way. I don't feel controlling but I don't feel completely trusting (but there is some..HUGE). It isn't dissociating at all but it is nice. Nice to feel peace and calm not only with myself but with others because there has been no peace in my life really....it has been chaotic. There has been medical stuff I've had to deal with, family a little bit but nothing compared to the past, school started again which was way stressful, holidays came and went, and many more little things. The thing is I've been better at not letting the little things get to me as much at least. Reaching out for support has been a key reason. I have a few friends that I couldn't live without, nor Kelsey or my mom who have been AMAZING. My relationship with my parents have changed so much during my recovery process and especially since I moved out of the house and started college (ironic or not who knows). My relationship with my brother has gotten better which means so much to me especially because of my connection to now TWO nephews I adore and love.
So what do I want this new year to bring? Well I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions. I believe that life is a journey and I set goals that I can reach every day and usually they aren't goals I wish to attain in months but smaller ones or steps to larger ones. So this year I want to continue to stay behavior free and if I slip up to be honest with 24 hours with someone (probably Kelsey). I want to stay out of treatment and hopefully no UNI due to stupid med changes but that isn't under my complete control but I can reach out for support...so I guess reach out for support when I need it is a goal and also to continue to learn how to trust others and be vulnerable. Finally I want to have fun and be me. I can do it.
Recovery gives so much and Ed took away my life and I can say I have my life back but still have a ways to go. I will always have more to learn and grow. I am so thankful for my time I had at CFC, the many retreats in Nashville where I met amazing people that have changed my life for ever, my parents, family and last but never the least Kelsey. I know to treat each day as if it was my last because I know how fragile life is and how much there is to appreciate in life. I try to take each breath and love it no matter what is happening around me I know that I have the choice on what I want to do with my life. Ed doesn't control me anymore. I am free to be me and that is something I could never imagine. When he does pop up, occasionally, I can say, "To leave me be as you have no healthy purpose in my life."
So what do I want this new year to bring? Well I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions. I believe that life is a journey and I set goals that I can reach every day and usually they aren't goals I wish to attain in months but smaller ones or steps to larger ones. So this year I want to continue to stay behavior free and if I slip up to be honest with 24 hours with someone (probably Kelsey). I want to stay out of treatment and hopefully no UNI due to stupid med changes but that isn't under my complete control but I can reach out for support...so I guess reach out for support when I need it is a goal and also to continue to learn how to trust others and be vulnerable. Finally I want to have fun and be me. I can do it.
Recovery gives so much and Ed took away my life and I can say I have my life back but still have a ways to go. I will always have more to learn and grow. I am so thankful for my time I had at CFC, the many retreats in Nashville where I met amazing people that have changed my life for ever, my parents, family and last but never the least Kelsey. I know to treat each day as if it was my last because I know how fragile life is and how much there is to appreciate in life. I try to take each breath and love it no matter what is happening around me I know that I have the choice on what I want to do with my life. Ed doesn't control me anymore. I am free to be me and that is something I could never imagine. When he does pop up, occasionally, I can say, "To leave me be as you have no healthy purpose in my life."
As I continue in school I am more amd more excited to become a psychologist one day and give back. My dreams are coming a reality. Only through recovery is it possible. It is the greatest feeling ever. Try with all your heart and you will get there in time. It is worth the wait.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
What's happening?
It's been crazy lately an up and down battle more than usual. I've had stress from work and school probably more because of projects and final papers but it has surprised me that despite all of this I haven't given into behaviors. In ten days in will be a year since my discharge from Center for Change and this time last year I didn't feel ready to leave nor did honestly I feel like I would last long without relapsing or going back into treatment. I learned a lot at CFC and was stable, else they wouldn't have let me go, especially as my parents have POA over me still but I have made it. Yes, I've had a short setback last May but I got back on my feet. I am truly proud of myself. Ed has truly lost control over me. I don't hear him most days; about 80% of the time he isn't around. Ed is evil and he is still near and may be for a while but all I need to do is live with appropriate caution as one of my dear friends, Thom has said. For years I never thought that this could happen, that there would be freedom. I am experiencing freedom. Yes, I still have much to work on as ED recovery is MUCH more than the food and behaviors. That's the tip of the iceberg. I need to work on my self-esteem and a few other personal things but I'm getting there each and every day. Step by step, hand in hand it is possible. It is happening. I never thought it could happen and when I thought it could I never imagined it to this extent.
As I get closer and closer to finishing school, I graduate next year. I feel more motivated to keep working hard as I will get to help others. This time next year I will be working with others in an internship/community placement. This is something that I am stoked for and as I am trying to figure out what I want to focus on, probably Ed or DBT with adolescents or PTSD. I know in order to help others, I have to help myself. I can do it.
As I get closer and closer to finishing school, I graduate next year. I feel more motivated to keep working hard as I will get to help others. This time next year I will be working with others in an internship/community placement. This is something that I am stoked for and as I am trying to figure out what I want to focus on, probably Ed or DBT with adolescents or PTSD. I know in order to help others, I have to help myself. I can do it.
I don't know if this is even making sense, but if anyone reads this, I just want to say there is hope and it does get better. I promise that if you keep at it and do what your treatment team tells you or focus on the goals (healthy of course) that you will get to freedom. It takes time but is possible. It happens. It is amazing and awesome. You are never alone and there are always people out there to support you. If there is will, there is a way. We are in this battle together. We all are, no matter if it's Ed, self-esteem or any addiction. We can do this. Keep going and don't give u
Thursday, November 17, 2011
This is how I am....
This is just something that I needed to write. Maybe it is good or bad. It is what it is. Maybe you will enjoy it or not or maybe it it won't even get read by anyone but I write. It is what I like to do. So here it is. <3 Dev
Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall
Winter and Summer
That's all I need
The two extremes I know
I know it is black and white
But it is the colors that fit just right
Not in the gray as it seems so blury
How can it be bad
The gray is not bad nor good
It is just there and understood
I feel confused but focused
There is hope in the distance
I have come far
But there is still a ways to go
But somehow today
I don't feel hope in my heart
I feel okay not bad nor good
Maybe more blah, just not numb
I don't feel like I'm falling
Just maybe here and now
This is how I am
This is how I feel
I shouldn't fight or judge it
Just let it be, just here and now
It isn't as easy said as done
But possible and possible
I should, I could
I will just do my best, I guess
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I am a miracle.
I have been thinking lately a lot about life, in a good way not in a dark way. I have so many good and wonderful people and other things that I am blessed to have in my life and I am so grateful. I have been so busy lately between being a nanny, plus college, and home life. But somewhere I still find time for me. This is something that in the past wouldn't have happened. Yes, sometimes I still have 2AM study nights but that's college for you. But I still try to get some good ol' self-care in each day. I could of course use more and I am hoping to get back into going to the gym again. I went hiking last Sunday to some hot springs with my parents and Kelsey and it was after a snowstorm. The trail was packed down and was so icy. I fell really hard a few times, along with everyone else, and seperated my shoulder and now in a sling. :( This has made it somewhat hard because I have to really take care of myself and baby it else I will have permanent damage....yeah now I need to take this advice I am typing. I haven't necessarily been wearing my sling at home or baby-ing it... I can only do my best. It makes me think to how I didn't always do my best but eventually I made a choice for me. I made the choice to live not die.
I've been thinking back to a few years ago when life was hell for me. It was simply shit. I hated it and everyone. I pushed people away and also they pushed me away. I was hurt and so were they. I didn't want to live anymore and I tried not to a few times....anyways. I think about the hell I went through at BHS and how much I hated moving back from Pennsylvania when I hated Pennsylvania. I was glad to come back to Utah just hated I never fit in back here and all...I am not LDS. I think it has been on my mind lately because in therapy I have been working on the bullying through EMDR, which rocks. This I dealt with all through elementary and high school, except my senior year where I was new to VHS and no one new me. I could just hide and people barely knew I existed. I know the mean things that were said to me were about their own insecurities. The people in Center that I basically grew up at for 8 years well some I am ok and talk to now but others I will not like forever. I understand not everyone will ever get along but the taunting and hatred at a young age is unacceptable. In high school and 9th grade back here in Utah well there was a reason I did home release as much as I could and did electronic high school a lot too. The girls were mean and I got talked about. I now understand what my dad went through growing up out here and my brother. I have nothing against LDS religion or people it is more the experience of being an outsider and others not understanding. It was tiring of people relentlessly trying to convert me and get me to go to church. I have my own beliefs thank you. I felt so alienated about it all and within myself. I felt like others never gave me a chance. But you know what it doesn't matter.
I've been thinking back to a few years ago when life was hell for me. It was simply shit. I hated it and everyone. I pushed people away and also they pushed me away. I was hurt and so were they. I didn't want to live anymore and I tried not to a few times....anyways. I think about the hell I went through at BHS and how much I hated moving back from Pennsylvania when I hated Pennsylvania. I was glad to come back to Utah just hated I never fit in back here and all...I am not LDS. I think it has been on my mind lately because in therapy I have been working on the bullying through EMDR, which rocks. This I dealt with all through elementary and high school, except my senior year where I was new to VHS and no one new me. I could just hide and people barely knew I existed. I know the mean things that were said to me were about their own insecurities. The people in Center that I basically grew up at for 8 years well some I am ok and talk to now but others I will not like forever. I understand not everyone will ever get along but the taunting and hatred at a young age is unacceptable. In high school and 9th grade back here in Utah well there was a reason I did home release as much as I could and did electronic high school a lot too. The girls were mean and I got talked about. I now understand what my dad went through growing up out here and my brother. I have nothing against LDS religion or people it is more the experience of being an outsider and others not understanding. It was tiring of people relentlessly trying to convert me and get me to go to church. I have my own beliefs thank you. I felt so alienated about it all and within myself. I felt like others never gave me a chance. But you know what it doesn't matter.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Prison--I am out now!
It is November 3, 2011. It is just an ordinary day but to me it feels extraordinary. Every day of life, every moment, every breath I take is a chance for a key moment. It is a chance for a choice of what I want in my life. I am free but I can be captured at any time. I have freedom every day but I have been in prison. A prison I created myself. A prison that is still close inside me that is easy to retreat to. I am not a criminal in real life. I haven't been in trouble by the police or the courts. But I have been controlled and entrapped by myself and my eating disorder. Let me say one thing. I did not choose my eating disorder and it is not my fault I have one; but I can control how I choose to cope with it and whether to recover or not.
A long time ago I chose recovery and at that time, at that key moment, I was free. I felt freedom. I was happy, true to myself and others. I still had a fight ahead of me but I had the motivation and tools to succeed. I knew that I could do it. My heart was telling me what to do. Then there was a day, or a few days; it really doesn't matter that were horrible. I got discouraged. I gave up. Ed got into my head and I threw up the white flag. I was imprisoned in my own prison. I didn't want to fight for a while but after a while I got a feeling. I had to fight. I decided to plead Ed for help but didn't get any real support. Supposedly he was my friend....not! I decided to take a risk and as for support through other sources. I asked for help from my friends and family. They helped me and truly cared. They loved me when I didn't want it. They even got me professional help (even though at times I was forced). They helped keep me alive so I can enjoy that breath, that moment and that day.
I have had that series repeat many times. I wish I could say it never happened again but at the same time my fight has helped make me who I am. I am strong and can do hard things. But this series has gotten better and slowed. Those times in prison are rare and insignificant in control. Ed doesn't nearly control me as much as he used to. It does get better. It really does. When it gets hard I find my safe and HEALTHY place. It helps me find the balance again.
So why do I tell you all this? Well one reason is because I can. But another is that recovery is so possible and though it is tiring and sometimes you can't see the end WE CAN DO IT! Hang in there!
A long time ago I chose recovery and at that time, at that key moment, I was free. I felt freedom. I was happy, true to myself and others. I still had a fight ahead of me but I had the motivation and tools to succeed. I knew that I could do it. My heart was telling me what to do. Then there was a day, or a few days; it really doesn't matter that were horrible. I got discouraged. I gave up. Ed got into my head and I threw up the white flag. I was imprisoned in my own prison. I didn't want to fight for a while but after a while I got a feeling. I had to fight. I decided to plead Ed for help but didn't get any real support. Supposedly he was my friend....not! I decided to take a risk and as for support through other sources. I asked for help from my friends and family. They helped me and truly cared. They loved me when I didn't want it. They even got me professional help (even though at times I was forced). They helped keep me alive so I can enjoy that breath, that moment and that day.
I have had that series repeat many times. I wish I could say it never happened again but at the same time my fight has helped make me who I am. I am strong and can do hard things. But this series has gotten better and slowed. Those times in prison are rare and insignificant in control. Ed doesn't nearly control me as much as he used to. It does get better. It really does. When it gets hard I find my safe and HEALTHY place. It helps me find the balance again.
So why do I tell you all this? Well one reason is because I can. But another is that recovery is so possible and though it is tiring and sometimes you can't see the end WE CAN DO IT! Hang in there!
Monday, September 19, 2011
50 things
When I was at Center for change this was an assignment I had to do in order to phase. I found it tonight and thought I would post it as I have accomplished some of those things and plan on accomplishing more! Full recovery is very likely and worth it.
50 things I want in life
1. Positive body image
2. Be healthy
3. Grad school completion
4. Good relationships with family
5. Be able to be at home not in and out of treatment
6. Love
7. Travel the U.S. and Europe
8. Freedom from Ed-it's better at least! SOOOO much more freedom!!
9. Healing from trauma
10. A family of my own
11. Laughter
12. Run a marathon
13. Graduate from Westminster
14. Free from negative behaviors
15. Do research in psych
16. Write a book
17. Work with other victims someday
18. Be a good and outgoing friend
19. No façade or mask
20. Read 3,000 books in my lifetime
21. Continuous learning
22. Have pets and my kitty Tibra
23. A house of my own
24. Financial independence
25. Self-esteem
26. Self-worth
27. Positive coping skills
28. Consistency with behaviors
29. Great at guitar
30. More hope for myself
31. Take my own advice
32. Not isolate as much
33. Complete a Deso trip on my own
34. Rock climb
35. Ski anything including ♦♦
36. Do art with out fear or judgment
37. Work as a crisis worker at Rape Recovery Center
38. Have children of my own, adopt and foster them too
39. Become more in tune spiritually
40. Skydive
41. Be less dependent on others and Kelsey
42. Complete puzzles without giving up
43. Be less stubborn
44. Accept my genes and my past
45. Go back and ice skate again
46. Be able to be comfortable when less busy
47. Smile more of and not fake them either
48. Swim with dolphins again
49. Climb Mt. Everest
50. Go to Africa
51. Work with refugees
52. Reach out for support
Many of these I have done and are still doing. Some days I can do things and others I can't but I have at least done it once or it has improved. That's huge. It's a work in progress.
Friday, September 16, 2011
I am a gift. I am me. Let it be.
I may not know my purpose of my life, where I am going exactly or when I will be free but the truth is I rather not know because that would unveil the adventure, the ups and the downs, and the bumps that make me, me. But that is OK! I don't need to care what other people think of me and sometimes what I think of me. I need to just be. Be comfortable with who I am and where I am. That is SOOO much harder to say than to do. I am the type of person that can say it, do it for a while, then it stops....inconsistent yes. It's has been going really well the past few months and it has been WEIRD! I don't know how to deal with it. I am not complaining but it is almost as I wish something bad will happen even though I don't want it too. It is complicated.
No one is perfect is or strong all the time. If they say they are they are lying. I used to say that all the time; sometimes i still do. See the imperfection! I guess that's ok. I am content. Content doesn't mean it is all calm and good and shit. It can have some bad to it and some good but I am ok with it. I am ok with being where I am at that moment. I don't know lately where I would be without my friends and family. In 15 days it would have been a year since I walked through the doors to CFC, where that place and the people there help save, helped me save and transform my life. This past week was nine months since my discharge and I felt proud. No it wasn't the longest I have been out of treatment. That was two years but it is still an accomplishment.
I don't need to measure things in time or strength but just what they mean to me. Everything matters. Everything counts and contributes in some way. So I think what is the purpose of life, why does it matter. We all are living it. Yeah i guess you have the option to end it and think that is your purpose but whatever not going into that dark area. Life is beautiful. The fact of just being able to wake up each morning, have your body and brain do what it needs to do and want is fascinating and a gift. No matter what, even if the person is "disabled or handicapped" the body and mind still function and adapt for that person. I was born to be the way I am. I believe that with my heart and soul. I will not change who I am for anyone else, because that never got me anywhere. I will just be. I will just be me. This journey has it's ups and downs and bumps but to me now, I am going to try to think of it just as a journey. Nothing but a journey I am on. I am free as I am. I am me. I am a gift.
I believe everyone can do whatever they wish to achieve. I have dreams and goals still. I know what I am not. I know things about what I am. I know I can overcome anything and when I can't I have all of my friends, family and God to support me. Let it be.
Friday, September 9, 2011
TALK TO ME!
Talk to me. Suicide is never an option. Depression doesn't kill, isolation does. I am here for you. Email, message me, add me on Facebook, call or text me. I am here for you. I've been there. I love you and I care for you. I will always be here. TALK TO ME, I CARE! GLBTQS I don't care who you are or where you come from just know there is hope and it will get better, I'm here and I care. Talk to me.
There's hotlines out there 1-800-SUICIDE, 1800-273-TALK are the national ones for the U.S. For LGBTQ youth there is 866-4887386. In Canada-look at this website for your area for the appropriate number http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html More international lines- go to this page for you countries number http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html I love you and I care. I am here and you're never alone. Devyn
There's hotlines out there 1-800-SUICIDE, 1800-273-TALK are the national ones for the U.S. For LGBTQ youth there is 866-4887386. In Canada-look at this website for your area for the appropriate number http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html More international lines- go to this page for you countries number http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html I love you and I care. I am here and you're never alone. Devyn
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
10 Lessons Learned in Recovery
This is a post I wrote as a guest contributor to http://www.voiceinrecovery.com/blog/ . ViR’s mission and focus is on PAIR™ (Prevention, Awareness, Intervention, and Recovery). Advocating awareness about eating disorders, body image struggles, mental health issues, substance abuse and self harm. It is a wonderful website and there is also a Facebook page as well where research is posted and lots of other cool stuff. It is very cool and worth checking out. So here is my post on 10 lessons learned in recovery.
My eating disorder took a lot away from me. It took away my friends and family, my desire to live, my dreams and hopes for the future and even started to take away myself physically and mentally. It consumed me in any way imaginable. When I finally hit bottom I learned that I had two options either to live or die. I wasn’t willing to give up everything I had already lost to look a little thinner, to be the right size, and to be perfect. There are many lessons that recovery taught me but these are ten of the most important and significant ones have been for me.
1. It is not about food but everything else. The disordered behaviors, the restricting, binging, purging, or any other behavior is not about the food. It is a method for coping of the underlying issues whether it be stress, family relationships, depression, anxiety, childhood just to name a few for me. I learned that until I accepted that it wasn’t about the food, which doesn’t mean food isn’t important about recovery, it is, that I didn’t really make progress or get anywhere. I learned that also when I began dealing with everything underneath that following my meal plan, listening to my doctors and dietician was easier to do and I didn’t fight it. I was more in the recovery mindset.
2. I am not a burden and I can’t recover alone. When I first started the recovery progress I had this idea that I had to be strong and perfect. Why wouldn’t I? That is what my eating disorder was telling me. When I began recovery I saw my therapist, doctor and dietician but I wasn’t reaching out to any friends, family or other people in recovery. The concept that I felt within myself is that I was a burden. That no one wanted to be my friend, listen to me, or support me. No one wanted to know me. This was the opposite I found out. When I wasn’t reaching out, I was slowing getting stronger but when I started reaching out it got easier and my self-esteem increased as well. It wasn’t easy and still isn’t always. Also I figured out I couldn’t recover on my own. I needed help and support. An important idea to know when you do reach out to people is that they need to have some credibility with you. How they do that is up to you. Do they have experience? Are they in recovery or recovered? Are they professional? I learned for me it was important to have a variety. I have friends that are in recovery and those that aren’t. I have a mentor, a treatment team. I have family and a partner as well. It is important to have professional and non-professional help. Variety is the key.
3. Always try it one more time. I wasn’t always successful. I didn’t always get things right. I wasn’t perfect at recovery or life. I was me. I learned that if I gave up, that I wasn’t going to be at a standstill but instead fall backwards. Relapses are an important part of recovery and a natural part. For me it helped make the “good” times better and make it easier next time. The key is when you fall down stand back up. If you don’t do something right or don’t do it at all; say you have a goal with your treatment team to follow your meal plan and you miss a few meals or restrict. Then instead of giving up, try the meal plan one more time. Keep doing that. Practice makes progress. It does get easier. It just takes time.
4. Celebrate each step no matter the size. We don’t always have big breakthroughs in recovery and we are not always trekking on step by step or crawling like babies. Sometimes little steps are needed to get to big ones. For me I had lots of little steps at first with occasional big ones then some smaller ones then bigger. It was random. I was at first upset if I didn’t have a huge “miracle” happen in therapy or that I didn’t reach a goal instantly. I felt like I had failed at recovery. In fact, at those points, I was making several small steps. Maybe I wasn’t following my meal plan everyday but I was most days. The days increased each week too. Once I wasn’t opening much in therapy at all or wanting to talk but it was an improvement from not coming at all. I learned it is important to celebrate each and every step because it is important. They all add up and at some point they really are a big deal even if they don’t seem like it. It is an accomplishment at beating your eating disorder; isn’t that worth a celebration?
5. Do the next best thing relapses happen. Relapses are a normal part of recovery like I said. The journey of recovery goes up and down. The “ups” helped me make it through the “down” easier. There are times in recovery where I wanted to quit and go back to my eating disorder. At first it was almost every day. I learned the more I followed recovery the less of a rollercoaster I had and the extreme they were. If I did relapse I learned instead of just sitting in my crap I would get out of it because no one wants to sit in crap. I would do the next best thing. I would call a friend, make an appointment, journal, go for a walk, or do some self-care. I would do whatever I thought would be best for me. This brings up an important part that I learned that I didn’t always know what was best for me so I had to trust others and give up my false sense of control. The longer that I have followed recovery the less relapses I have had but the relapses I have had have showed me that going back to my eating disorder is no longer an option for me. It all takes practice.
6. It’s a marathon. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice. It is not like a sprint that you just get ready, get, set, and go then before you know it you are done. That would be much easier. I learned that recovery takes lots of practice, time, and dedication. You have falls and setbacks along the way as well.
7. Energy management. What comes to mind when I think of energy management is not eating disorder recovery but more of science and anatomy. But when I was in recovery I was sometimes really stubborn and I didn’t want to get better. I would put all my energy into fighting my treatment team, isolating from friends and not following my meal plan. That took so much energy and was so tiring. I learned that if I instead put all that energy and stubbornness to fighting against my eating disorder, talking with support, using my voice, and nutritionally supporting my body that I got a lot further in recovery, felt a lot less tired, more happy, better self-esteem and better outlook on recovery.
8. Sometimes it is best to not trust myself. Do what’s uncomfortable. I had to learn to trust those around me, especially those I gave my control to. If I didn’t trust them, I wasn’t going to listen to them. I wasn’t going to take their advice or do what they say is in the best interest for me, my life and recovery. I wouldn’t dare to and my eating disorder wouldn’t let me either. Just because I gave up control doesn’t mean my eating disorder just magically left. My eating disorder began to fight more and more. Learning to trust others is something that didn’t come easy and is still not easy. It is still a battle. Like I said, recovery is a journey. It was uncomfortable for me. I at times didn’t know what was best for me though. I learned that those around me would help me and look out for my best interests even if it is uncomfortable.
9. Don’t throw your hope in the fire. When I was in recovery I thought that would be my life and that is all it would ever be. For a while, I had to actively tell myself, you need to eat this today, journal today, and had so many things that I had to do. I had so many recommendations from my treatment team for recovery that seemed to make it harder at first but as time passed I didn’t always have to consciously think about every little thing. Parts became natural or easier at least. There are other parts of life besides recovery just sometimes recovery needs to be your main focus. I learned for me, I had to leave school and work for a while but it made me stronger in recovery. That isn’t always true in all cases but there are other aspects to enjoy in life besides recovery, such as friends, family, parties, school and work. You just learn to manage both and sometimes have to make some sacrifices.
10. Full recovery is very likely when you do the work. When you do the work in recovery, practice and keep going at it. It is very likely you will recover. I learned that it does get better and recovery is very possible. I never thought it was yet I have gone longer than ever without behaviors, have achieved many goals that I had in treatment and am enjoying many things in my life. It is possible and I believe everyone can achieve it. Practice makes progress.
1. It is not about food but everything else. The disordered behaviors, the restricting, binging, purging, or any other behavior is not about the food. It is a method for coping of the underlying issues whether it be stress, family relationships, depression, anxiety, childhood just to name a few for me. I learned that until I accepted that it wasn’t about the food, which doesn’t mean food isn’t important about recovery, it is, that I didn’t really make progress or get anywhere. I learned that also when I began dealing with everything underneath that following my meal plan, listening to my doctors and dietician was easier to do and I didn’t fight it. I was more in the recovery mindset.
2. I am not a burden and I can’t recover alone. When I first started the recovery progress I had this idea that I had to be strong and perfect. Why wouldn’t I? That is what my eating disorder was telling me. When I began recovery I saw my therapist, doctor and dietician but I wasn’t reaching out to any friends, family or other people in recovery. The concept that I felt within myself is that I was a burden. That no one wanted to be my friend, listen to me, or support me. No one wanted to know me. This was the opposite I found out. When I wasn’t reaching out, I was slowing getting stronger but when I started reaching out it got easier and my self-esteem increased as well. It wasn’t easy and still isn’t always. Also I figured out I couldn’t recover on my own. I needed help and support. An important idea to know when you do reach out to people is that they need to have some credibility with you. How they do that is up to you. Do they have experience? Are they in recovery or recovered? Are they professional? I learned for me it was important to have a variety. I have friends that are in recovery and those that aren’t. I have a mentor, a treatment team. I have family and a partner as well. It is important to have professional and non-professional help. Variety is the key.
3. Always try it one more time. I wasn’t always successful. I didn’t always get things right. I wasn’t perfect at recovery or life. I was me. I learned that if I gave up, that I wasn’t going to be at a standstill but instead fall backwards. Relapses are an important part of recovery and a natural part. For me it helped make the “good” times better and make it easier next time. The key is when you fall down stand back up. If you don’t do something right or don’t do it at all; say you have a goal with your treatment team to follow your meal plan and you miss a few meals or restrict. Then instead of giving up, try the meal plan one more time. Keep doing that. Practice makes progress. It does get easier. It just takes time.
4. Celebrate each step no matter the size. We don’t always have big breakthroughs in recovery and we are not always trekking on step by step or crawling like babies. Sometimes little steps are needed to get to big ones. For me I had lots of little steps at first with occasional big ones then some smaller ones then bigger. It was random. I was at first upset if I didn’t have a huge “miracle” happen in therapy or that I didn’t reach a goal instantly. I felt like I had failed at recovery. In fact, at those points, I was making several small steps. Maybe I wasn’t following my meal plan everyday but I was most days. The days increased each week too. Once I wasn’t opening much in therapy at all or wanting to talk but it was an improvement from not coming at all. I learned it is important to celebrate each and every step because it is important. They all add up and at some point they really are a big deal even if they don’t seem like it. It is an accomplishment at beating your eating disorder; isn’t that worth a celebration?
5. Do the next best thing relapses happen. Relapses are a normal part of recovery like I said. The journey of recovery goes up and down. The “ups” helped me make it through the “down” easier. There are times in recovery where I wanted to quit and go back to my eating disorder. At first it was almost every day. I learned the more I followed recovery the less of a rollercoaster I had and the extreme they were. If I did relapse I learned instead of just sitting in my crap I would get out of it because no one wants to sit in crap. I would do the next best thing. I would call a friend, make an appointment, journal, go for a walk, or do some self-care. I would do whatever I thought would be best for me. This brings up an important part that I learned that I didn’t always know what was best for me so I had to trust others and give up my false sense of control. The longer that I have followed recovery the less relapses I have had but the relapses I have had have showed me that going back to my eating disorder is no longer an option for me. It all takes practice.
6. It’s a marathon. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice. It is not like a sprint that you just get ready, get, set, and go then before you know it you are done. That would be much easier. I learned that recovery takes lots of practice, time, and dedication. You have falls and setbacks along the way as well.
7. Energy management. What comes to mind when I think of energy management is not eating disorder recovery but more of science and anatomy. But when I was in recovery I was sometimes really stubborn and I didn’t want to get better. I would put all my energy into fighting my treatment team, isolating from friends and not following my meal plan. That took so much energy and was so tiring. I learned that if I instead put all that energy and stubbornness to fighting against my eating disorder, talking with support, using my voice, and nutritionally supporting my body that I got a lot further in recovery, felt a lot less tired, more happy, better self-esteem and better outlook on recovery.
8. Sometimes it is best to not trust myself. Do what’s uncomfortable. I had to learn to trust those around me, especially those I gave my control to. If I didn’t trust them, I wasn’t going to listen to them. I wasn’t going to take their advice or do what they say is in the best interest for me, my life and recovery. I wouldn’t dare to and my eating disorder wouldn’t let me either. Just because I gave up control doesn’t mean my eating disorder just magically left. My eating disorder began to fight more and more. Learning to trust others is something that didn’t come easy and is still not easy. It is still a battle. Like I said, recovery is a journey. It was uncomfortable for me. I at times didn’t know what was best for me though. I learned that those around me would help me and look out for my best interests even if it is uncomfortable.
9. Don’t throw your hope in the fire. When I was in recovery I thought that would be my life and that is all it would ever be. For a while, I had to actively tell myself, you need to eat this today, journal today, and had so many things that I had to do. I had so many recommendations from my treatment team for recovery that seemed to make it harder at first but as time passed I didn’t always have to consciously think about every little thing. Parts became natural or easier at least. There are other parts of life besides recovery just sometimes recovery needs to be your main focus. I learned for me, I had to leave school and work for a while but it made me stronger in recovery. That isn’t always true in all cases but there are other aspects to enjoy in life besides recovery, such as friends, family, parties, school and work. You just learn to manage both and sometimes have to make some sacrifices.
10. Full recovery is very likely when you do the work. When you do the work in recovery, practice and keep going at it. It is very likely you will recover. I learned that it does get better and recovery is very possible. I never thought it was yet I have gone longer than ever without behaviors, have achieved many goals that I had in treatment and am enjoying many things in my life. It is possible and I believe everyone can achieve it. Practice makes progress.
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