What's happening?

It's been crazy lately an up and down battle more than usual. I've had stress from work and school probably more because of projects and final papers but it has surprised me that despite all of this I haven't given into behaviors. In ten days in will be a year since my discharge from Center for Change and this time last year I didn't feel ready to leave nor did honestly I feel like I would last long without relapsing or going back into treatment. I learned a lot at CFC and was stable, else they wouldn't have let me go, especially as my parents have POA over me still but I have made it. Yes, I've had a short setback last May but I got back on my feet. I am truly proud of myself. Ed has truly lost control over me. I don't hear him most days; about 80% of the time he isn't around. Ed is evil and he is still near and may be for a while but all I need to do is live with appropriate caution  as one of my dear friends, Thom has said. For years I never thought that this could happen, that there would be freedom. I am experiencing freedom. Yes, I still have much to work on as ED recovery is MUCH more than the food and behaviors. That's the tip of the iceberg. I need to work on my self-esteem and a few other personal things but I'm getting there each and every day. Step by step, hand in hand it is possible. It is happening. I never thought it could happen and when I thought it could I never imagined it to this extent.

As I get closer and closer to finishing school, I graduate next year. I feel more motivated to keep working hard as I will get to help others. This time next year I will be working with others in an internship/community placement. This is something that I am stoked for and as I am trying to figure out what I want to focus on, probably Ed or DBT with adolescents or PTSD. I know in order to help others, I have to help myself. I can do it.

I don't know if this is even making sense, but if anyone reads this, I just want to say there is hope and it does get better. I promise that if you keep at it and do what your treatment team tells you or focus on the goals (healthy of course) that you will get to freedom. It takes time but is possible. It happens. It is amazing and awesome. You are never alone and there are always people out there to support you. If there is will, there is a way. We are in this battle together. We all are, no matter if it's Ed, self-esteem or any addiction. We can do this. Keep going and don't give u

Dev

This is how I am....

This is just something that I needed to write. Maybe it is good or bad. It is what it is. Maybe you will enjoy it or not or maybe it it won't even get read by anyone but I write. It is what I like to do. So here it is. <3 Dev

Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall

Winter and Summer

That's all I need

The two extremes I know

I know it is black and white

But it is the colors that fit just right

Not in the gray as it seems so blury

How can it be bad

The gray is not bad nor good

It is just there and understood

I feel confused but focused

There is hope in the distance

I have come far 

But there is still a ways to go

But somehow today 

I don't feel hope in my heart

I feel okay not bad nor good

Maybe more blah, just not numb

I don't feel like I'm falling 

Just maybe here and now

This is how I am

This is how I feel

I shouldn't fight or judge it

Just let it be, just here and now

It isn't as easy said as done

But possible and possible

I should, I could

I will just do my best, I guess

I am a miracle.

I have been thinking lately a lot about life, in a good way not in a dark way. I have so many good and wonderful people and other things that I am blessed to have in my life and I am so grateful. I have been so busy lately between being a nanny, plus college, and home life. But somewhere I still find time for me. This is something that in the past wouldn't have happened. Yes, sometimes I still have 2AM study nights but that's college for you. But I still try to get some good ol' self-care in each day. I could of course use more and I am hoping to get back into going to the gym again. I went hiking last Sunday to some hot springs with my parents and Kelsey and it was after a snowstorm. The trail was packed down and was so icy. I fell really hard a few times, along with everyone else, and seperated my shoulder and now in a sling. :( This has made it somewhat hard because I have to really take care of myself and baby it else I will have permanent damage....yeah now I need to take this advice I am typing. I haven't necessarily been wearing my sling at home or baby-ing it... I can only do my best. It makes me think to how I didn't always do my best but eventually I made a choice for me. I made the choice to live not die.

I've been thinking back to a few years ago when life was hell for me. It was simply shit. I hated it and everyone. I pushed people away and also they pushed me away. I was hurt and so were they. I didn't want to live anymore and I tried not to a few times....anyways. I think about the hell I went through at BHS and how much I hated moving back from Pennsylvania when I hated Pennsylvania. I was glad to come back to Utah just hated I never fit in back here and all...I am not LDS. I think it has been on my mind lately because in therapy I have been working on the bullying through EMDR, which rocks. This I dealt with all through elementary and  high school, except my senior year where I was new to VHS and no one new me. I could just hide and people barely knew I existed. I know the mean things that were said to me were about their own insecurities. The people in Center that I basically grew up at for 8 years well some I am ok and talk to now but others I will not like forever. I understand not everyone will ever get along but the taunting and hatred at a young age is unacceptable. In high school and 9th grade back here in Utah well there was a reason I did home release as much as I could and did electronic high school a lot too. The girls were mean and I got talked about. I now understand what my dad went through growing up out here and my brother. I have nothing against LDS religion or people it is more the experience of being an outsider and others not understanding. It was tiring of people relentlessly trying to convert me and get me to go to church. I have my own beliefs thank you. I felt so alienated about it all and within myself. I felt like others never gave me a chance. But you know what it doesn't matter.

None of it matters. It hurt yes.But it helped make me who I am today. I am stronger because of it and I don't let people hurt me as easily. It took me a while. All that happened in high school caused a lot of pain and chaos in my life. I ended up in treatment several times, the hospital and all that shit. I eventually was hit with an ultimatum from my parents of going to wilderness then to a residential program or to switch high schools and go to an intensive program after school 3 days a week. Well duh, i wanted to stay home. I wanted my senior year of high school. Well I did it and I graduated. I guess the point here is that it gets better. Recovery from the eating disorder, self-harm, or whatever it is it does get better. I know it and believe it. Never give up. It isn't worth it. Each day is a day to say I am a miracle.

Prison--I am out now!

It is November 3, 2011. It is just an ordinary day but to me it feels extraordinary. Every day of life, every moment, every breath I take is a chance for a key moment. It is a chance for a choice of what I want in my life. I am free but I can be captured at any time. I have freedom every day but I have been in prison. A prison I created myself. A prison that is still close inside me that is easy to retreat to. I am not a criminal in real life. I haven't been in trouble by the police or the courts. But I have been controlled and entrapped by myself and my eating disorder. Let me say one thing. I did not choose my eating disorder and it is not my fault I have one; but I can control how I choose to cope with it and whether to recover or not.

A long time ago I chose recovery and at that time, at that key moment, I was free. I felt freedom. I was happy, true to myself and others. I still had a fight ahead of me but I had the motivation and tools to succeed. I knew that I could do it. My heart was telling me what to do. Then there was a day, or a few days; it really doesn't matter that were horrible. I got discouraged. I gave up. Ed got into my head and I threw up the white flag. I was imprisoned in my own prison. I didn't want to fight for a while but after a while I got a feeling. I had to fight. I decided to plead Ed for help but didn't get any real support. Supposedly he was my friend....not! I decided to take a risk and as for support through other sources. I asked for help from my friends and family. They helped me and truly cared. They loved me when I didn't want it. They even got me professional help (even though at times I was forced). They helped keep me alive so I can enjoy that breath, that moment and that day.

I have had that series repeat many times. I wish I could say it never happened again but at the same time my fight has helped make me who I am. I am strong and can do hard things. But this series has gotten better and slowed. Those times in prison are rare and insignificant in control. Ed doesn't nearly control me as much as he used to. It does get better. It really does. When it gets hard I find my safe and HEALTHY place. It helps me find the balance again.

So why do I tell you all this? Well one reason is because I can. But another is that recovery is so possible and though it is tiring and sometimes you can't see the end WE CAN DO IT! Hang in there!

50 things

When I was at Center for change this was an assignment I had to do in order to phase. I found it tonight and thought I would post it as I have accomplished some of those things and plan on accomplishing more! Full recovery is very likely and worth it. 50 things I want in life 1. Positive body image 2. Be healthy 3. Grad school completion 4. Good relationships with family 5. Be able to be at home not in and out of treatment 6. Love 7. Travel the U.S. and Europe 8. Freedom from Ed-it's better at least! SOOOO much more freedom!! 9. Healing from trauma 10. A family of my own 11. Laughter 12. Run a marathon 13. Graduate from Westminster 14. Free from negative behaviors 15. Do research in psych 16. Write a book 17. Work with other victims someday 18. Be a good and outgoing friend 19. No façade or mask 20. Read 3,000 books in my lifetime 21. Continuous learning 22. Have pets and my kitty Tibra 23. A house of my own 24. Financial independence 25. Self-esteem 26. Self-worth 27. Positive coping skills 28. Consistency with behaviors 29. Great at guitar 30. More hope for myself 31. Take my own advice 32. Not isolate as much 33. Complete a Deso trip on my own 34. Rock climb 35. Ski anything including ♦♦ 36. Do art with out fear or judgment 37. Work as a crisis worker at Rape Recovery Center 38. Have children of my own, adopt and foster them too 39. Become more in tune spiritually 40. Skydive 41. Be less dependent on others and Kelsey 42. Complete puzzles without giving up 43. Be less stubborn 44. Accept my genes and my past 45. Go back and ice skate again 46. Be able to be comfortable when less busy 47. Smile more of and not fake them either 48. Swim with dolphins again 49. Climb Mt. Everest 50. Go to Africa 51. Work with refugees 52. Reach out for support Many of these I have done and are still doing. Some days I can do things and others I can't but I have at least done it once or it has improved. That's huge. It's a work in progress.

I am a gift. I am me. Let it be.

I may not know my purpose of my life, where I am going exactly or when I will be free but the truth is I rather not know because that would unveil the adventure, the ups and the downs, and the bumps that make me, me. But that is OK! I don't need to care what other people think of me and sometimes what I think of me. I need to just be. Be comfortable with who I am and where I am. That is SOOO much harder to say than to do. I am the type of person that can say it, do it for a while, then it stops....inconsistent yes. It's has been going really well the past few months and it has been WEIRD! I don't know how to deal with it. I am not complaining but it is almost as I wish something bad will happen even though I don't want it too. It is complicated. No one is perfect is or strong all the time. If they say they are they are lying. I used to say that all the time; sometimes i still do. See the imperfection! I guess that's ok. I am content. Content doesn't mean it is all calm and good and shit. It can have some bad to it and some good but I am ok with it. I am ok with being where I am at that moment. I don't know lately where I would be without my friends and family. In 15 days it would have been a year since I walked through the doors to CFC, where that place and the people there help save, helped me save and transform my life. This past week was nine months since my discharge and I felt proud. No it wasn't the longest I have been out of treatment. That was two years but it is still an accomplishment. I don't need to measure things in time or strength but just what they mean to me. Everything matters. Everything counts and contributes in some way. So I think what is the purpose of life, why does it matter. We all are living it. Yeah i guess you have the option to end it and think that is your purpose but whatever not going into that dark area. Life is beautiful. The fact of just being able to wake up each morning, have your body and brain do what it needs to do and want is fascinating and a gift. No matter what, even if the person is "disabled or handicapped" the body and mind still function and adapt for that person. I was born to be the way I am. I believe that with my heart and soul. I will not change who I am for anyone else, because that never got me anywhere. I will just be. I will just be me. This journey has it's ups and downs and bumps but to me now, I am going to try to think of it just as a journey. Nothing but a journey I am on. I am free as I am. I am me. I am a gift. I believe everyone can do whatever they wish to achieve. I have dreams and goals still. I know what I am not. I know things about what I am. I know I can overcome anything and when I can't I have all of my friends, family and God to support me. Let it be.

TALK TO ME!

Talk to me. Suicide is never an option. Depression doesn't kill, isolation does. I am here for you. Email, message me, add me on Facebook, call or text me. I am here for you. I've been there. I love you and I care for you. I will always be here. TALK TO ME, I CARE! GLBTQS I don't care who you are or where you come from just know there is hope and it will get better, I'm here and I care. Talk to me.




There's hotlines out there 1-800-SUICIDE, 1800-273-TALK are the national ones for the U.S. For LGBTQ youth there is 866-4887386. In Canada-look at this website for your area for the appropriate number http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html More international lines- go to this page for you countries number http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html I love you and I care. I am here and you're never alone. Devyn