Perplexity is life. Life is perplexed. Life can have its simple moments but to me it is only when we break it down into its most basic elements. We all have problems and struggles in life. The journey we all have in life and the different paths we all have in our own journey of life each have their own ups and downs. Sometimes the struggles and questions we are faced with are easy to deal with. Sometimes there is a black and white answer, like in math. Other times there is a gray answer that is more perplex and is based more on personal observation and how you feel about the situation. To me it is about looking at both ends and not trying to compromise so much but trying to figure out a new way to do something, a middle path.
Sometimes the answer that I have gotten in a perplex situation hasn’t always been what I wanted. I haven’t always been a person that has liked feelings or wanted to deal with them. It is something I have had to work on in intense therapy and still work on daily. But the one thing is than sitting with me gets better. Sometimes sitting with yourself in a perplex situation, in my experience, is very hard, but can also be very rewarding. One thing that has helped me learn to value this perplexity is my frustration. When I have lost my patience and didn’t get an answer in a situation then I gave up or just took an easy way out.
This happened to me numerous times growing up and for a while it actually got me in trouble, mainly emotionally to the point I couldn’t take it anymore and tried to commit suicide. This happened a few times and finally one time I ended up in the hospital and I was faced with a perplex situation of life or death, I had to either choose to fight for my life and learn new ways to cope, even though I didn’t know the answers to everything, feel the darkness at times for a while and hope. My other choice was death. I played the game too much and it was down to this, rock bottom, at only 17 years of age. My need for control at that point to be perfect and to know everything was everywhere in my life but since that night in the emergency room and then entering treatment once again I finally felt more committed and determined than ever. Not like I haven’t had my hard times since then but it has gotten better.
I think sometimes you have to give up what you know and what you have to learn what you don’t know in order to achieve what you want. I think that sometimes when you are in the darkness it does bring you alive. There are times, now that I sit with my feelings and in darkness, where I can be so confused about life or something going on with me, a pain or a struggle and after a while I will know what to do. I may cry for hours; but that is okay. There is nothing wrong with crying as many may associate it with darkness it can be sweet. A paradox is basically a contraction but possibly true.
A paradox that I have had to negotiate with is the paradox of life. There are so many different views on what life is and where it began. Were we created from Christ, from a microorganism, Allah, some other spiritual being, God or Goddess? These answers are still being researched and will always be a controversial subject. For a long time growing up this paradox is something I struggled with. It is one reason why I also tried to commit suicide, one of many times. I wondered many things like, “How am I created? Where did I come from?” I know I was conceived from my mom and dad but where did they come from and beyond. Where did everyone come from? Are we all aliens dropped in from outer space? Is their reincarnation? Is there life elsewhere and how? These questions at one point ruled my life. I wasn’t able to answer them, so I couldn’t handle them then. It wasn’t going to happen. I needed to know the answers.
This is still something I still wonder about and always will be. This question there will never be an answer to. It is all theory and perspective. It is based on personal opinion. I believe I was created with purpose. I believe I was created by some higher power or spiritual being and I do call him Christ but I also have other spiritual aspects that play a huge part in my life. I take on a multidimensional life philosophy. The thing I have learned from paradoxes but especially this paradox, which has been huge in my life, is that life is a journey and that is no destination. The journey is the destination and as long as I am on it than I am doing great. Life has its ups and downs. I can only do my best.
I know that all I have gone through will make me stronger and if I quit fighting now it will never end. I keep having to tell myself that, especially now as I am having a rough time again. I can overcome anything I put my mind to. The pain or the struggle will never last forever but if I give up now it could last forever. I have too much going for me and the darkness, well the unknown, can be scary. Who likes it but it has taught me many things, such as I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and it taught me the most valuable lesson thus far in my life: that I deserve to life and that I am worth it.
