Looking back this time last year was way different. It was good and bad. It was good I successfully finished my first semester at college. But on the no-so-good side i was hiding a lot and really losing to Ed. Well being controlled. It wasn't a time of joy really. Well when there was it was a false self. It wasn't the true self:Devyn. This season, this year, there is this true self. It's me. I haven't been here in a while, maybe years, bits and pieces for sure, not saying I've been fake at all just struggling and fighting but I'm not just barely treading and surviving I am swimming and thriving.
I am not always happy and I still often cry and am sad. I am never perfect by any means, never was nor will be. But there are many times I am glad and laughing with joy. I am told I know have a sparkle in my eye again. I don't know what that looks like but I like sparkly things. I don't even think of going back to certain things that would used to be automatic and it has been three months since one of my behaviors. That is huge, not my longest but a good start. Everything happens for a reason. This holidays season is still stressful for many different reason than last though.
I also start school in less than two weeks again! I am excited and nervous! It is good and I am working now and doing yoga again. just being busy but not too busy. Balance.gray. not black and white.
So just finally thank you to everyone who has been in my life the past you. If you have been in you have helped me one way or another and I thank you. I try to take and learn something from every experience. So Merry Christmas everyone!
<3 Dev
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I've done it again
I have done it again. I have worked my ass off to get to where I am. I am preparing to discharge from IOP at Center for Change on Friday. It was news for me yesterday...they were plotting a dsicharge date without me. how dare they lol? I am really proud. I have really gotten on top of my life again and for once I feel like I have my life more. I feel more true to myself and my heart. I feel more happy than ever before even though it really sucks some days. The past two weeks have been a big challenge for me but I have made it. I have made it without behaviors for 3 months now, well with Ed ones and largely other ones. But it is improvement right? I am doing it. I am on this journey and I am never getting off. I am using my support and so grateful for Kelsey and my parents. I am so grateful for my friends. It is going to be good...my future I mean. I believe this. I am showing it. I am doing it!
<3 Dev
<3 Dev
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light." Levine
"Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light." Levine
Healing takes time and practice. I have been dealing with my eating disorder since it began around 9 and been trying to recover for 5 years. Now I am not just trying but I am doing it. Yes I said do. There is no trying. You either do it or you don’t. For me I don’t try to do my best. Trying allows for excuses to come up. If you do your best now that is different, and best is never perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. It never has and never will. ED convinces us that we need to be so great and “perfect.” That would be boring. Where would the learning be? Where would those hard moments that help us grow and become a better person be? These questions wouldn’t exist.
Since I was 15, I was in and out of treatment. I did get a lot out of it. Each time I learned something more. I am 19 now. Treatment has saved my life and it has helped but I never truly “let go.” I graduated high school, stayed out of inpatient treatment for 2 years and 12 weeks ago I realized I was relapsing. I just ended outpatient with my therapist and everything. I was in college. I’m a sophomore there. I was ready but Ed had one more battle he geared up for. He isn’t going to win this one.
Nine weeks ago I entered treatment again at Center for Change. I was inpatient for a week, stepped down to day treatment and now I am a month into their IOP program. In about 2 weeks I will probably be done if all goes well. You may be wondering what all of this has to do with the quote. I have had to truly let go. It is crazy. Ed has tried to kick my ass. He has been pulling everything he can to hold onto me. I let my mask down. I let down the wall that has stopped me from seeing the light.
Treatment is hard no matter whether it is just seeing a therapist and/or dietitian or in a treatment center in a program. Recovery is even harder. Treatment ends in time. It takes patience and I am not at the end yet. I am only 19; I am emerging as an adult. Recovery is a journey though. It doesn’t end. There is no destination where it is over. Life doesn’t end. It doesn’t stop either. There will always be ups and downs. Ed, self-harm or whatever addiction will be there for a while too. But you have a choice on how you will react.
Letting my mask down, yeah, I have done it before, in treatment. I have talked about my past here and there. I have worked on the behaviors, eliminated them for nearly 2 years, and found better ways to cope. However, avoiding or only touching my issues on the surface didn’t get me too far. But it was the best I could do then! No I can and am doing better. No I am ready and willing.
We can all recover! None of us are alone! There is always someone. It doesn’t matter whether your family and friends know, support and/or understand or not. No one needs to. There are always professionals out there to help, new friends to meet. There is always others like us who struggle. Think about all the readers who read this, like me and you! There are a ton of us and we are all fighting together. Hell, I have even met some of my best friends and supports over MentorConnect (www.mentorconnect-ed.org), a fantastic community, and even good ol’ FaceBook. There are people out there. It is just finding them.You still have to be careful on who you trust but then again it’s called practice and learning. If you do your best that is all anyone can ask for. It will get better.
Don’t give up. It does get better. I promise that. It may take time and it may get better then go down and repeat. But it does get better. It is so worth it and we all deserve recovery. We all can do it. We have each other. I can’t say that recovery is easy or will come in a certain time frame but whatever is meant to happen it will. It takes time. I’m still on the road after 5 years, many treatments and hospitals but it has gotten so much better. I can’t imagine my life without recovery now or how I could even live without it. I am who I am. I am not perfect. I am in recovery and I will recover completely.
Healing takes time and practice. I have been dealing with my eating disorder since it began around 9 and been trying to recover for 5 years. Now I am not just trying but I am doing it. Yes I said do. There is no trying. You either do it or you don’t. For me I don’t try to do my best. Trying allows for excuses to come up. If you do your best now that is different, and best is never perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. It never has and never will. ED convinces us that we need to be so great and “perfect.” That would be boring. Where would the learning be? Where would those hard moments that help us grow and become a better person be? These questions wouldn’t exist.
Since I was 15, I was in and out of treatment. I did get a lot out of it. Each time I learned something more. I am 19 now. Treatment has saved my life and it has helped but I never truly “let go.” I graduated high school, stayed out of inpatient treatment for 2 years and 12 weeks ago I realized I was relapsing. I just ended outpatient with my therapist and everything. I was in college. I’m a sophomore there. I was ready but Ed had one more battle he geared up for. He isn’t going to win this one.
Nine weeks ago I entered treatment again at Center for Change. I was inpatient for a week, stepped down to day treatment and now I am a month into their IOP program. In about 2 weeks I will probably be done if all goes well. You may be wondering what all of this has to do with the quote. I have had to truly let go. It is crazy. Ed has tried to kick my ass. He has been pulling everything he can to hold onto me. I let my mask down. I let down the wall that has stopped me from seeing the light.
Treatment is hard no matter whether it is just seeing a therapist and/or dietitian or in a treatment center in a program. Recovery is even harder. Treatment ends in time. It takes patience and I am not at the end yet. I am only 19; I am emerging as an adult. Recovery is a journey though. It doesn’t end. There is no destination where it is over. Life doesn’t end. It doesn’t stop either. There will always be ups and downs. Ed, self-harm or whatever addiction will be there for a while too. But you have a choice on how you will react.
Letting my mask down, yeah, I have done it before, in treatment. I have talked about my past here and there. I have worked on the behaviors, eliminated them for nearly 2 years, and found better ways to cope. However, avoiding or only touching my issues on the surface didn’t get me too far. But it was the best I could do then! No I can and am doing better. No I am ready and willing.
We can all recover! None of us are alone! There is always someone. It doesn’t matter whether your family and friends know, support and/or understand or not. No one needs to. There are always professionals out there to help, new friends to meet. There is always others like us who struggle. Think about all the readers who read this, like me and you! There are a ton of us and we are all fighting together. Hell, I have even met some of my best friends and supports over MentorConnect (www.mentorconnect-ed.org), a fantastic community, and even good ol’ FaceBook. There are people out there. It is just finding them.You still have to be careful on who you trust but then again it’s called practice and learning. If you do your best that is all anyone can ask for. It will get better.
Don’t give up. It does get better. I promise that. It may take time and it may get better then go down and repeat. But it does get better. It is so worth it and we all deserve recovery. We all can do it. We have each other. I can’t say that recovery is easy or will come in a certain time frame but whatever is meant to happen it will. It takes time. I’m still on the road after 5 years, many treatments and hospitals but it has gotten so much better. I can’t imagine my life without recovery now or how I could even live without it. I am who I am. I am not perfect. I am in recovery and I will recover completely.
I have had a really tough week. There has been a lot that has happened. There have been times where I wanted to give up, just restrict this one time, never! There is no way I am going back to Ed. I have done well the past 9 weeks with behaviors. I am still struggling in one area but working on it. I am giving up Ed but not my life. Not my freedom. Not my best friend, Kelsey. Not my family either. I am getting geared up for school in a month! I am so ready and so prepared for success. Yeah, I will still have to fight, who said fighting would ever stop, but it will get easier. I am still doing this. I am enjoying getting my life back.
I was talking to my dietitian today about how proud i am that my focus has shifted away from the food to the experience. Oh course still intuitive but not overly freaking out. I know if I don't eat, I will feel worse emotionally and it is just a downward spiral. My life is a roller coaster but life will always be that way, but they ways I am coping (not dealing) with it are so much better. Yeah I have let my mask go 100% which has made this time so much worse. I have to be vulnerable 24/7. I have to trust myself and others. I have to always remember that I am not alone. I remember that I love Kelsey forever. She is amazing. I can tough things. Every time I start to struggle I ask, "Does this match up with my values?" IF the answer is no I change what I am doing, ask it again and keep going. Minute by minute sometimes has become more to hour by hour or day by day.
But that really doesn't matter. I love what I have in my life and like I said 12 weeks ago I will recover completely no matter what it takes. I am doing that. I am committed to my recovery. I am committed to my life and being there. Not just "there" but really "THERE!" I am doing very well at asking for help. I am doing what I need to. I am balancing my life with Kelsey, friends and family. My relationship with her has never been better. There are always improvements to be made but we are really good. WE have had our rough times together and apart. We both have to work on ourselves like we both are now so that we can be stronger together! She truly is MY love for life. I love her with whole heart and soul. We celebrate our 6 months tomorrow, only 2 hours away. WE will do something fun. I am so grateful for her in my life. She is soo amazing and beautiful.
She is so caring and loving. She is always there for me and I am ther for her. We do our best, neither of us are perfect. But our relationship is strong and continues to grow. We are growing together. It has been 6 months since we moved in together as well. It has been a long six in some ways but short in others. I feel like I have known her for a lifetime in most ways. No one understands me as much as her.
I know for me this is what I need. I need Kelsey, recovery, family, friends and most important myself. Without myself there is nothing else. Not everything we face can be changed, however nothing can be changed until it is faced.
woohoo life woot woot
<3 dev
I was talking to my dietitian today about how proud i am that my focus has shifted away from the food to the experience. Oh course still intuitive but not overly freaking out. I know if I don't eat, I will feel worse emotionally and it is just a downward spiral. My life is a roller coaster but life will always be that way, but they ways I am coping (not dealing) with it are so much better. Yeah I have let my mask go 100% which has made this time so much worse. I have to be vulnerable 24/7. I have to trust myself and others. I have to always remember that I am not alone. I remember that I love Kelsey forever. She is amazing. I can tough things. Every time I start to struggle I ask, "Does this match up with my values?" IF the answer is no I change what I am doing, ask it again and keep going. Minute by minute sometimes has become more to hour by hour or day by day.
But that really doesn't matter. I love what I have in my life and like I said 12 weeks ago I will recover completely no matter what it takes. I am doing that. I am committed to my recovery. I am committed to my life and being there. Not just "there" but really "THERE!" I am doing very well at asking for help. I am doing what I need to. I am balancing my life with Kelsey, friends and family. My relationship with her has never been better. There are always improvements to be made but we are really good. WE have had our rough times together and apart. We both have to work on ourselves like we both are now so that we can be stronger together! She truly is MY love for life. I love her with whole heart and soul. We celebrate our 6 months tomorrow, only 2 hours away. WE will do something fun. I am so grateful for her in my life. She is soo amazing and beautiful.
She is so caring and loving. She is always there for me and I am ther for her. We do our best, neither of us are perfect. But our relationship is strong and continues to grow. We are growing together. It has been 6 months since we moved in together as well. It has been a long six in some ways but short in others. I feel like I have known her for a lifetime in most ways. No one understands me as much as her.
I know for me this is what I need. I need Kelsey, recovery, family, friends and most important myself. Without myself there is nothing else. Not everything we face can be changed, however nothing can be changed until it is faced.
woohoo life woot woot
<3 dev
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