50 things

When I was at Center for change this was an assignment I had to do in order to phase. I found it tonight and thought I would post it as I have accomplished some of those things and plan on accomplishing more! Full recovery is very likely and worth it. 50 things I want in life 1. Positive body image 2. Be healthy 3. Grad school completion 4. Good relationships with family 5. Be able to be at home not in and out of treatment 6. Love 7. Travel the U.S. and Europe 8. Freedom from Ed-it's better at least! SOOOO much more freedom!! 9. Healing from trauma 10. A family of my own 11. Laughter 12. Run a marathon 13. Graduate from Westminster 14. Free from negative behaviors 15. Do research in psych 16. Write a book 17. Work with other victims someday 18. Be a good and outgoing friend 19. No façade or mask 20. Read 3,000 books in my lifetime 21. Continuous learning 22. Have pets and my kitty Tibra 23. A house of my own 24. Financial independence 25. Self-esteem 26. Self-worth 27. Positive coping skills 28. Consistency with behaviors 29. Great at guitar 30. More hope for myself 31. Take my own advice 32. Not isolate as much 33. Complete a Deso trip on my own 34. Rock climb 35. Ski anything including ♦♦ 36. Do art with out fear or judgment 37. Work as a crisis worker at Rape Recovery Center 38. Have children of my own, adopt and foster them too 39. Become more in tune spiritually 40. Skydive 41. Be less dependent on others and Kelsey 42. Complete puzzles without giving up 43. Be less stubborn 44. Accept my genes and my past 45. Go back and ice skate again 46. Be able to be comfortable when less busy 47. Smile more of and not fake them either 48. Swim with dolphins again 49. Climb Mt. Everest 50. Go to Africa 51. Work with refugees 52. Reach out for support Many of these I have done and are still doing. Some days I can do things and others I can't but I have at least done it once or it has improved. That's huge. It's a work in progress.

I am a gift. I am me. Let it be.

I may not know my purpose of my life, where I am going exactly or when I will be free but the truth is I rather not know because that would unveil the adventure, the ups and the downs, and the bumps that make me, me. But that is OK! I don't need to care what other people think of me and sometimes what I think of me. I need to just be. Be comfortable with who I am and where I am. That is SOOO much harder to say than to do. I am the type of person that can say it, do it for a while, then it stops....inconsistent yes. It's has been going really well the past few months and it has been WEIRD! I don't know how to deal with it. I am not complaining but it is almost as I wish something bad will happen even though I don't want it too. It is complicated. No one is perfect is or strong all the time. If they say they are they are lying. I used to say that all the time; sometimes i still do. See the imperfection! I guess that's ok. I am content. Content doesn't mean it is all calm and good and shit. It can have some bad to it and some good but I am ok with it. I am ok with being where I am at that moment. I don't know lately where I would be without my friends and family. In 15 days it would have been a year since I walked through the doors to CFC, where that place and the people there help save, helped me save and transform my life. This past week was nine months since my discharge and I felt proud. No it wasn't the longest I have been out of treatment. That was two years but it is still an accomplishment. I don't need to measure things in time or strength but just what they mean to me. Everything matters. Everything counts and contributes in some way. So I think what is the purpose of life, why does it matter. We all are living it. Yeah i guess you have the option to end it and think that is your purpose but whatever not going into that dark area. Life is beautiful. The fact of just being able to wake up each morning, have your body and brain do what it needs to do and want is fascinating and a gift. No matter what, even if the person is "disabled or handicapped" the body and mind still function and adapt for that person. I was born to be the way I am. I believe that with my heart and soul. I will not change who I am for anyone else, because that never got me anywhere. I will just be. I will just be me. This journey has it's ups and downs and bumps but to me now, I am going to try to think of it just as a journey. Nothing but a journey I am on. I am free as I am. I am me. I am a gift. I believe everyone can do whatever they wish to achieve. I have dreams and goals still. I know what I am not. I know things about what I am. I know I can overcome anything and when I can't I have all of my friends, family and God to support me. Let it be.

TALK TO ME!

Talk to me. Suicide is never an option. Depression doesn't kill, isolation does. I am here for you. Email, message me, add me on Facebook, call or text me. I am here for you. I've been there. I love you and I care for you. I will always be here. TALK TO ME, I CARE! GLBTQS I don't care who you are or where you come from just know there is hope and it will get better, I'm here and I care. Talk to me.




There's hotlines out there 1-800-SUICIDE, 1800-273-TALK are the national ones for the U.S. For LGBTQ youth there is 866-4887386. In Canada-look at this website for your area for the appropriate number http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html More international lines- go to this page for you countries number http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html I love you and I care. I am here and you're never alone. Devyn

10 Lessons Learned in Recovery

This is a post I wrote as a guest contributor to http://www.voiceinrecovery.com/blog/ . ViR’s mission and focus is on PAIR™ (Prevention, Awareness, Intervention, and Recovery). Advocating awareness about eating disorders, body image struggles, mental health issues, substance abuse and self harm. It is a wonderful website and there is also a Facebook page as well where research is posted and lots of other cool stuff. It is very cool and worth checking out. So here is my post on 10 lessons learned in recovery. My eating disorder took a lot away from me. It took away my friends and family, my desire to live, my dreams and hopes for the future and even started to take away myself physically and mentally. It consumed me in any way imaginable. When I finally hit bottom I learned that I had two options either to live or die. I wasn’t willing to give up everything I had already lost to look a little thinner, to be the right size, and to be perfect. There are many lessons that recovery taught me but these are ten of the most important and significant ones have been for me.

1. It is not about food but everything else. The disordered behaviors, the restricting, binging, purging, or any other behavior is not about the food. It is a method for coping of the underlying issues whether it be stress, family relationships, depression, anxiety, childhood just to name a few for me. I learned that until I accepted that it wasn’t about the food, which doesn’t mean food isn’t important about recovery, it is, that I didn’t really make progress or get anywhere. I learned that also when I began dealing with everything underneath that following my meal plan, listening to my doctors and dietician was easier to do and I didn’t fight it. I was more in the recovery mindset.

2. I am not a burden and I can’t recover alone. When I first started the recovery progress I had this idea that I had to be strong and perfect. Why wouldn’t I? That is what my eating disorder was telling me. When I began recovery I saw my therapist, doctor and dietician but I wasn’t reaching out to any friends, family or other people in recovery. The concept that I felt within myself is that I was a burden. That no one wanted to be my friend, listen to me, or support me. No one wanted to know me. This was the opposite I found out. When I wasn’t reaching out, I was slowing getting stronger but when I started reaching out it got easier and my self-esteem increased as well. It wasn’t easy and still isn’t always. Also I figured out I couldn’t recover on my own. I needed help and support. An important idea to know when you do reach out to people is that they need to have some credibility with you. How they do that is up to you. Do they have experience? Are they in recovery or recovered? Are they professional? I learned for me it was important to have a variety. I have friends that are in recovery and those that aren’t. I have a mentor, a treatment team. I have family and a partner as well. It is important to have professional and non-professional help. Variety is the key.

3. Always try it one more time. I wasn’t always successful. I didn’t always get things right. I wasn’t perfect at recovery or life. I was me. I learned that if I gave up, that I wasn’t going to be at a standstill but instead fall backwards. Relapses are an important part of recovery and a natural part. For me it helped make the “good” times better and make it easier next time. The key is when you fall down stand back up. If you don’t do something right or don’t do it at all; say you have a goal with your treatment team to follow your meal plan and you miss a few meals or restrict. Then instead of giving up, try the meal plan one more time. Keep doing that. Practice makes progress. It does get easier. It just takes time.

4. Celebrate each step no matter the size. We don’t always have big breakthroughs in recovery and we are not always trekking on step by step or crawling like babies. Sometimes little steps are needed to get to big ones. For me I had lots of little steps at first with occasional big ones then some smaller ones then bigger. It was random. I was at first upset if I didn’t have a huge “miracle” happen in therapy or that I didn’t reach a goal instantly. I felt like I had failed at recovery. In fact, at those points, I was making several small steps. Maybe I wasn’t following my meal plan everyday but I was most days. The days increased each week too. Once I wasn’t opening much in therapy at all or wanting to talk but it was an improvement from not coming at all. I learned it is important to celebrate each and every step because it is important. They all add up and at some point they really are a big deal even if they don’t seem like it. It is an accomplishment at beating your eating disorder; isn’t that worth a celebration?

5. Do the next best thing relapses happen. Relapses are a normal part of recovery like I said. The journey of recovery goes up and down. The “ups” helped me make it through the “down” easier. There are times in recovery where I wanted to quit and go back to my eating disorder. At first it was almost every day. I learned the more I followed recovery the less of a rollercoaster I had and the extreme they were. If I did relapse I learned instead of just sitting in my crap I would get out of it because no one wants to sit in crap. I would do the next best thing. I would call a friend, make an appointment, journal, go for a walk, or do some self-care. I would do whatever I thought would be best for me. This brings up an important part that I learned that I didn’t always know what was best for me so I had to trust others and give up my false sense of control. The longer that I have followed recovery the less relapses I have had but the relapses I have had have showed me that going back to my eating disorder is no longer an option for me. It all takes practice.

6. It’s a marathon. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice. It is not like a sprint that you just get ready, get, set, and go then before you know it you are done. That would be much easier. I learned that recovery takes lots of practice, time, and dedication. You have falls and setbacks along the way as well.

7. Energy management. What comes to mind when I think of energy management is not eating disorder recovery but more of science and anatomy. But when I was in recovery I was sometimes really stubborn and I didn’t want to get better. I would put all my energy into fighting my treatment team, isolating from friends and not following my meal plan. That took so much energy and was so tiring. I learned that if I instead put all that energy and stubbornness to fighting against my eating disorder, talking with support, using my voice, and nutritionally supporting my body that I got a lot further in recovery, felt a lot less tired, more happy, better self-esteem and better outlook on recovery.

8. Sometimes it is best to not trust myself. Do what’s uncomfortable. I had to learn to trust those around me, especially those I gave my control to. If I didn’t trust them, I wasn’t going to listen to them. I wasn’t going to take their advice or do what they say is in the best interest for me, my life and recovery. I wouldn’t dare to and my eating disorder wouldn’t let me either. Just because I gave up control doesn’t mean my eating disorder just magically left. My eating disorder began to fight more and more. Learning to trust others is something that didn’t come easy and is still not easy. It is still a battle. Like I said, recovery is a journey. It was uncomfortable for me. I at times didn’t know what was best for me though. I learned that those around me would help me and look out for my best interests even if it is uncomfortable.

9. Don’t throw your hope in the fire. When I was in recovery I thought that would be my life and that is all it would ever be. For a while, I had to actively tell myself, you need to eat this today, journal today, and had so many things that I had to do. I had so many recommendations from my treatment team for recovery that seemed to make it harder at first but as time passed I didn’t always have to consciously think about every little thing. Parts became natural or easier at least. There are other parts of life besides recovery just sometimes recovery needs to be your main focus. I learned for me, I had to leave school and work for a while but it made me stronger in recovery. That isn’t always true in all cases but there are other aspects to enjoy in life besides recovery, such as friends, family, parties, school and work. You just learn to manage both and sometimes have to make some sacrifices.

10. Full recovery is very likely when you do the work. When you do the work in recovery, practice and keep going at it. It is very likely you will recover. I learned that it does get better and recovery is very possible. I never thought it was yet I have gone longer than ever without behaviors, have achieved many goals that I had in treatment and am enjoying many things in my life. It is possible and I believe everyone can achieve it. Practice makes progress.