Stress

S-t-r-e-s-s. This is the word of my life right now. It is attempting to take over my life and it is a fight not to let it control me. It is a fight to make myself breathe and take breaks. But it is a fight I am winning and will win. Yes, stress is a part of life but handling it can also become overwhelming at times. The past few weeks i have had to deal with a lot of stress which is trying to overcome the freedom I have worked years to gain. I'm not letting go of my freedom to be me, freedom to do what I want. Even though I can and deserve way more freedom and I can still be yelled at by ed for continuing to disobey him and that can still be hard at times, I don't give in. I don't need him and I know that. I won't ever give in again. I haven't in so long. I know that if I do, I would fall down fast and it would be even harder than last time to get back up. I understand i may fall again but I have the tools and support to get back up if I have to.

But I can't worry about that right now. i don't really need to. It is in a box and can be easily opened up if need be. I think that these past few weeks have been a series of tests by God and the Universe. It is a series to see what I will do with it and they have made me stronger. I have had to rely on asking for help and support. Reaching out is still tough, cause I like to be able to be independant, but I also know I can not do this alone. So i trust myself to ask for support and I get it. I talked to my parents, Kelsey (who is probably one of my biggest supports), and some really close friends and people i love. It has been really awesome too. I remember a time when I was ashamed like no other to ask for help. I remember a time when I couldn't do it at all. Acknowledging that has so much impact. it gives me insight to how far i have come and it helps me know I am nearing the end of this battle. I'm close to winning, I think and so does my tx team, that there is no back down now. I will do this. i am doing this. Today there is no try in my vocabulary because for me try is a very bad word.

A little thing that helps me to keep try out is a thing I did with my DBT therapist Andrea when I was in treatment. On the first day I kept saying I will try to do this..etc. She said, "Try to get off of my couch." So naturally I stood right up. She said "Try to get off my couch again. You just got off of my couch. That wasn't trying. You either do it or you don't." That hit me and helps me so much to day. I know that this stress has tested me but I know that this is has been hard on me emotionally and physically. But I also know myself and that i need to take care of myself. Self-care and self-soothing stuff has really helped me and so has DBT. i am so thankful for DBT. DBT saves. it really does. I don't know how I would be alive and surviving life without DBT, those around me that love and care about me and those who help me.

Is this starting anew?

Is this the end or is this where it begins? is it now or forever away? what do i do? what do I say? just feeling like life keeps breaking away. but is it starting anew, I do not know what to do. I feel like things are breaking down but at the same time I feel things are finally getting back together and whole. I find sometimes that I have complete freedom to be me but then I wonder who I am. My emotions are present then they disappear. It doesn't seem to matter whether I fight or not. They come as they go, whether or not I am ready for them. They help me stay strong and keep fighting but they tear me apart too. I don't like this or my mind one bit.

It is scary inside at times and I am surrounded by much fear lately that I don't know what to do or even what is happening. I feel as if sometimes I am just walking through life on autopilot. I don't have to think, I just do. I never used to do, I would only try. What has that gotten me? Lost? yeah that is a feeling a lot lately. Lost in life, myself, my mind? I don't know. I am lost but in many ways I feel found. my heart has been found and rescued by her. She has saved it and me. I used to think if I lost her I could move on but now I know I can't. I don't ever give up for anything i do know that. I don't quit and I will never surrender this battle. I deserve life. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be able to move on even when I slip up and not beat myself to death over it. Mistakes happen right? bad choices happen...but start anew? I feel so confused. What do i want? I want so much in my life. I want freedom and to be me. Has not working done this to me? Am I THAT OCD? I don't know what to think of me anymore.

It is soo much easier to focus on others. it really helps keep me going. It really keeps me moving and alive. It keeps me as close to present and in the moment as I can get. I am so lost and I feel so alone. I know I am not but I feel so. I can't even open up and communicate my true needs, only surface stuff. I can only scrape the top of me why I'm dying inside. but dying to live or dying to keep fighting or to be loved by myself? I don't want it to be this way. I really don't. I am doing my best, well what I can do. But I feel that isn't enough even. Am I good enough? I seem to have a lot of questiosn racing through my mind and my veins. I feel so cold inside mentally. I feel like it is lifeless. Not open or surrounded but surrounded by what? I don't know anymore. I guess I am loved I do know that much by many, I hope... I think... I am pretty sure... But what did I do to deserve this? I feel like i have done nothing to deserve what my life is right now...good and bad. I feel as if sometimes I am a waste of life although I know that is not true.

I know that in my soul i do have purpose and I will fill that purpose. i just want to know when. I am not patient. i can be with others to some extent. She has helped me with that a lot. She has helped me be able to be me and to feel accepted for once. But are they right? i don't know. Should I even care? Should I care about what others think about me. I know I know, "what others think of me is none of my business." but fuck I like to know. I thrive to know and to be accepted cause I feel i never was growing up not by anyone. I just feel like crying all the time. But I can't. I can't do it...I have to be strong. Strong for me, her, us....my family, my friends, and those who help me. But balance...grey area?

I know it is there; it is possible but shall I dare. Try to find it again? why is it such a constant battle? That and consistency? what do I do? I can't change what I am doing? I don't want to fall apart or us too? i doubt we will. we have been through so much in a short amount of time. I can't imagine my life without her. I can't live without her. I am not meaning being dependent or anything either or even for the love but I just feel this connection. It's indescribable. I can't explain it in words. It's amazing. I know that for sure. Is that all I know? Is that all that is keeping me going?

I just got an apartment with her and college is starting soon. I am stoked! I am almost halfway done with my undergrad. then grad? Oh shit! that scares me. It means I gotta clean up my mind and me. I have to have it together in order to get through grad school especially in psychology! Others can't know. I don't want my professors to know really. Even at Westminster.... It was hard enough to hide things this year. I am not going to make it so I have to next year. I am not. I have decided that much.

AS I write my mind is somewhat clearer but racing with all these questions...is the end nearer? Is this where it begins? What do I say? What do I do? Is this starting anew?

SLC Eating Disorder Examiner

A few days ago I was having a really hard time and was overwhelmed by my stress and everything that has been going on in my life, mostly out of my control too. nonetheless Ed tried to butt in but I took a few breaths and was not going to give in. I said, "No I want my freedom still and I make my own choices." He backed off quickly. I am still surprised by how much and how long I have kept this complete freedom. For sure gonna keep going forward to and my choices lately have even encouraged and helped with that. But that day I found out that I was chosen as the Salt Lake City Eating Disorder Examiner for Examiner.com, which is an online news center which is up and coming. I got my dream job and get to share my wisdom, passion, knowledge, and promote activism here in my own home, state, city, and even further perhaps. I am so excited. It is a dream come true. It will help me too in my recovery. I'm going strong. Love you all. My articles will be here http://www.examiner.com/x-59478-Salt-Lake-City-Eating-Disorder-Examiner subscribe to it too please and thanks.

Beautifully Imperfect Me!

Full of twists and turns, good and bad this journey is called life. this journey is about finding my true self, reaching my hope, goals and dreams, and recovery from Ed and my past. Walls and cliffs come up but I have the strength to tear them down. I have the strength to jump and climb and fight my way to the top! To the freedom to be COMPLETELY ME!!!! I have had many trials thrown at me the past few weeks with drama, financial issues, stress, work I could go on and on but focusing on the positives and using my tools has pulled me through! I can ask for support and help without feeling too guilty or filled with shame. I am NOT perfect nor will I ever be. Perfection doesn't exist but recovery and freedom does! I am reaping in the rewards that dedication, time, commitment, honesty, faith, hope, and wisdom bring not in just my recovery but in life. I am going beyond the negatives I have dealt with in life. But yet everything I have gone through and made me stronger.

I have survived another year in life also! I am 19 now and to me that still is huge cause a few years ago I never had intentions to make it to 18 even. It has also been 2 years since I was last in tx. I have changed sooo much. I can finally see the sun shining in MY eyes and not just trusting in others who see it in me. I am truly a changed girl. I am truly finding the Devyn I was put on this Earth to be. The one that this Universe and this World put in for me. I am on this journey, good and bad it would not be my life without both. There is a good in everything. Yes, I still have fear. But hell with that I do it anyways. I embrace my fear, hold Ed close so he can't control me anymore.

I am finally happy my Tx and appointments are less now. I am done with my dietitian now. I am finally stabilized on my meds( took two years!) I am finally happy and healthy and safe. I am in CONTROL. I am just getting geared up for my sophomore year at Westminster and I just got an apartment too with my fiance! I have good relationships with my parents and friends. I have healthy ones now. I see the difference and so do others. I know that I have changed.

Change is possible. Freedom is possible. I know now that complete recovery is possible for ME and anyone. There has been no doubt in my mind now since March 13. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I love myself (I don't always like myself still but oh well). I know I have choice. I know I have power and a safety net with friends and family who love, care and just want what is best with me. I am strong and brave even when I don't always feel it, I look back to my past and the accomplishments and then I can. I am glad my life is finally staying where I want it and being stable but with more good adventure, good times, healthy friends, and overall ME! I am me. I am beautifully imperfect. I am a butterfly flying through my life and my journey experiencing the freedom I have!