Being a kid again

Today was the first official day at my new job. I am working with kids that have behavioral and emotional issues in a preschool. I love working with kids and it is what I want to do eventually when I am out of college. It was really awesome today cause I was in a whole new situation and I wasn't freaking out unless you count being so excited and "at home" with the kids. I am a lead in the two year old room and the looks on their faces just living in the moment and learning was amazing and serene. It was so much fun playing with them today, getting to know them and their schedule. When I first walked into the classroom not all of the kids were jumping out of joy and just leaping into faith to trust me, while a few were very reserved and scared while others we just filled with trust for me. The amazing thing is that by the end of the day all of the children were beginning to trust me and respect me. They were learning I won't let them walk all over me or act out and get away with it. Of course children are fragile, young and learning but that is what I love about them I was able to positively redirect them and try to help them understand.

When I was doing this today it was awesome. It also reminded me of my "inner child." It reminded me of how i should embrace mine and love her as I do now. That itself is huge cause even thinking a few months back, I didn't trust my inner child. I didn't want anything to do with her as I feared I had failed and she was too messed up for any hope. I was wrong and I am glad I was wrong. She was wounded and needed to be healed maybe and learn how to trust again but never too far gone. I now feel a deep connection with her and it only helps me I think. I didn't really think about it until today when I was playing with the kids and all and stoked that this is what I get to do at least all summer. It was heart warming to know that I have changed my perspective on my "inner child." So another aspect I know that has changed. Still I know if I struggle I have her plus all my supports. It is an amazing feeling but glad I am still doing well, grateful for my past and to be where I am and even just to be alive and in the moment. I love who I am becoming.

Why can't people just accept love is love?

My mind is spinning around in circles. It has lost control. My heart knows that loving her is the right thing and I do. That won't change and I don't regret anything I just wished it wasn't this way. It is scary. It is uncomfortable but I know being uncomfortable is good. I know that I can work through all this, my feelings and my little doubts. It's just I want things to be easier and not always fighting against me. Why can't people just accept it doesn't matter who you love, whether it is a opposite sex or not. Love is love. It shouldn't have to be explained, hidden or threatened. It should be peaceful. I love her. I will always love her. It's just I want the best for her and to have to not hide it from her parents (mostly her mom) and her family out of fear. It is part of why the LDS religion frustrates me. Not the people I have nothing against them and not judgmental just I wish people could at least be respectful and act like adults. I know that is somewhat a generalization but I am frustrated. Ugh...fuck.

I just want to love her and to be at least respected by her family. They don't have to like us or anything, and I don't expect them to, but they shouldn't try to separate us. Sexual orientation is NOT a choice. It is like saying you have the CHOICE to be a heterosexual. It is not something that should be ignored or attempted to change. It is part of my identity and any ones. You can't just tell your body to not feel this way, that your heart is wrong and it must be changed. I did that for so long and I can't do it anymore and I haven't and have learned. I have found more of me in this process and it is amazing. She and I are meant to be in each others life. I don't know about the future but I do know about now. nothing has ever felt so right. It is going to work out. It will be ok. I just have to live in the moment, be mindful, focus on the positives, use my support, and keep Ed out like I have. I can do this. It has almost been 3 1/2 months since I have really kept Ed out. It has been that long since the turning point in my recovery and it isn't always easy still but I am still learning and not letting my guard down. I am still doing well and living in the freedom. I can do this. It is going to be ok. Believe to achieve. I believe I can achieve.
<3 Dev
Anyone have ideas or insights? I'm so stuck.

Keeping it up and continuing to grow

Everything has been falling in place for me in ways I have never dreamed this spring. It is indescribable in many ways but I do know a few things: I am feeling so free to discover the true me and have been finding out what I really like to do, my passion is for life. I have the passion for art and my music like never before. I am trusting others and taking risks without being so timid and afraid. Granted I still have fear but I don't let it get to me like I have in the past. I feel like now is the best time I have had in my life. I haven't had to wear a mask or wanted to. I have been able to be completely honest with my treatment team and have continuously been working with them on goals and abiding by the contract I have in place with them. I love that I am not as scared of them or appointments but know they have the best interest in mind for me, they really care, and they love that I am changing. Granted sometimes I also feel, I am doing so well, so great so why keep this up. Well I have come up with a few reasons.

* If I let my guard down now, like in the past, Ed will sneak back in and take control so I need their support but perhaps in different ways, which I will explore with them
* I am doing well, nourishing my body and giving it what it needs-they help hold me accountable for that
* I am honest about everything I have to deal with good and bad, so I have support to deal with those problems
* I have my friends who are there for me and understand what recovery is like when I struggle- I am not getting rid or isolating myself from them-that would be a big mistake-definitely why I love MC
* My other friends and I have rebuilt our relationships and expanded them- I truly believe that this is due to my commitment and consistency in recovery I have gained through hard work
* I have had the confidence and self-esteem to go out and make new friends and enjoy and discover new passions-especially I have been discovering who I am, my music and my art
* I love myself and my life-yes it is a journey- I know it will not be all good. I am prepared for the bad- I have my safety net which includes my support, my friends, my treatment team, and MC. There will be downs, I sure cause life is not perfect-nothing is perfect. Perfection doesn't exist. Things happen-if I fall down I will be able to stand up again but without support that may not happen. I need them

So I am going to keep all my support, keep all the good things going in my life, keep working with my treatment team, taking meds, and following what my treatment team and I have decided I need to continue in life. Things may change and I have changed but that doesn't mean I just shove all of them away and think I am out of the woods. Yes I am experiencing a lot of freedom but I still need them. I am now thinking clearly of what I need to do in my life. I can use my friends as well. I just gotta keep moving forward and keep growing. I will keep growing on this journey.

Everything Works Out

So today was a really hard day. I had almost anything possible go wrong and it added up to where I finally had a meltdown, composed myself and then it happened again. It happen 3 times tonight but with each meltdown I learned so much. Not only about myself but the situations(s). There were many today. It is too flippin late and I am way mentally exhausted and physically so this is going to be short. I plan to write a blog tomorrow. So anyways,Not everything is ever all bad. I needed something to do constructively with my mind so I made this. It showed me the past two years I have been blessed with so much. Recovery has given me so much and will propel me further in life. Tonight I am so grateful for the love, strength, and support I have from my family, especially my parents, friends, and by all those in my life. Many have always had my back and will continue. Others are newer in my life and their support is amazing and will continue. Thanks to all of you I am still alive and surviving this hectic, crazy, painful, annoying, chaotic, messy, loving, enduring, spontaneous life journey filled with many choices from past, present, and future. I love you.

some pics

These are some pics that were taken at Westminster Voices where I made a movie and did a dance. I have a copy of the movie with me dancing but haven't figured a way to edit the whole thing so until then here is the movie with the song to Kenny Rogers' When you put your heart in it.