For several months now, over a year really, I have been doing extremely well in my recovery behavior wise. Along with that the negative thoughts and thinking patterns have largely diminished as well. They are still present but not every day like in the past. I never could have imagined that I would have gotten to this point. I owe much of it to the work I did at Center for Change with the amazing therapists, especially KB, and all the care techs. Also the retreats in Tennessee I have participated in over the past 3 years have immensely improved my journey of recovery and my life. They both have saved my life. I would go back to either of them if I felt the need to, especially the retreats as they give me a big recovery boost.
I have experienced a lot of freedom from my eating disorder and other issues that I have been working really hard on. I can go out of my house and not worry about having to put a mask on. I can feel my feelings and cry. I can ask others for support; but this one can still use definite work. I can go exercise and know my limits and no obsess about losing weigh. I eat intuitively, what I want, when I want and know when to stop. Intuitive eating was one of the hardest things to even grasp at CFC.
I wonder what to do from here? I am living a pretty good life. I have some friends and go out and do things. Is there anywhere to go? I recently asked a close friend that is fully recovered what can really get better if I'm not engaging in behaviors and I'm already doing things in my life I want to do? She told me that, "Life only gets better as your recovery
strengthen and grows so yes, it can get even better. The lies Ed continues
to tell you do have the ability to be gone forever. Your relationship with
him is changing and as you get stronger his grip on you will become nill.
You deserve all that recovery gives and you can achieve it. You are
working hard on yourself, the relationship to find your true self and your
recovery and you will be rewarded for your efforts and commitment. Don’t
give up and continue to move forward, I promise it does get even better.
You are worth it. Keep up the great work Devyn and never forget that I
love you and believe in you. Stay strong and always believe!!!!" I felt the need to post that because I believe that it is true. I deserve for my life to be not just pretty good but amazing. Everyone has good and bad days but overall perspective on my life and how I feel about myself can continue to change. I know there are a few negative sayings that Ed tells me and holds pretty strong reins over me and I need to work on those. I know I need to continue to reach out for support so I am actively trying to connect with one friend every day! (I even programmed it in the calendar in my phone!)
I also quit my job about a week ago and I am proud that I put myself first. I would usually never do that when I was in my eating disorder. I have also decided that until school is over, at the end of April and when I get back at the end of May from my month long trip to Thailand, that I am not working. It makes no sense and I could use the extra study time. I've also decided that I need to find a better therapist that will push me and specializes in more of what I need. So the search is on. I've even considered going back to a dietician when I start work again just to get a better help on what will fuel my body more. But right now I am focused on the here and now, which brings me to my final thought.
I've finally decided on my second tattoo. I've wanted it on my other wrist for various reasons. It will have the eating disorder recovery symbol in lavender and Chose To Live Today in script. It is about making the decision each day. Today I chose recovery. I chose to live and take the next steps to do. I chose to do whatever it takes to further whatever it is to a better fuller life.
