Shame

The past 7 weeks I have been back to Center for Change. I am doing treatment there and have been stepping down in care. I am really proud of myself for how well I am do and my achievements there. There are some things I have been realizing about myself.

I think the first one is that my biggest problem is i have a ton of SHAME! That is my major problem. I am who I am. I love myself but I hold onto my past as well, a little too much. Shame is a problem but I have been learning to give myself some grace. Grace from others hurting me, myself, my past, and preparing for the future. I have realized that if I slip back again, oh well. I have the support. I have come along way in recovery. I caught this relapse way early. But I still have a ways to go.

I am just 19 and becoming an adult with more responsibilities. I love it though. I even like having my own apartment and utilities in my name. I like the freedom and independence I have earned. I still have freedom and freedom from Ed. Ed doesn't really control me but this time is so much harder cause I have COMPLETELY let go of my mask. I am finally digging up the core issues and working on them. But it is so worth it. I am not a patient person my any means but I am doing it. I will continue to fight cause Shame will NOT control me anymore. i got this. i am not alone. I will recover completely! Recovery is possible, even for me.

<3 me

awakening

Ok it has been a while and the past month so much has happened and so much has changed. I have changed the way I look at things in life. I have gotten my eating back on track and my Ed behaviors way down, none while at CFC of course. I have been really doing well and i am so grateful for all of you who have supported me and been there. I am doing well. I am almost to Phase 3 in the program and been there about 5 weeks now. Wow time goes by fast. I have been home for 4 and might have to go to IOP here soon due to insurance despite my tx team saying it isn't a good idea. Oh well I will do my best and if I make a mistake or fall back some I will have the support at CFC and get more help.

As long as I try my best that is all anyone can ask for. Hell then I would meet freakin insurance criteria. I'm not saying I am going to give up by any means, quite the contrary, but am prepared. I have so many tools and people around me. I am succeeding and will continue to succeed. Hell it was a very hard day yet I am still be positive and optimistic....what a miracle...it actually kind of is a big deal for me.

It is hard sometimes cause I refuse to let myself cry, well not as much now, but still try not to. But I am working on that in addition to other things. It is a process. It is a journey. I will have freedom from Ed. He is losing more and more control daily. One day at a time. It is all going to work out.

I feel like I could write a lot more, put up a few of my poems and other writings I have done but not going to because I need to take care of myself and go to bed.