Is this it?

Hmmm I never felt that I would have gotten this far. I never felt I would have felt so free to be me and enjoy life but at the same time I feel so lost. For many years everyone was telling me to gain weight, eat regularly, open up and be honest, work hard on communication etc. So i did that I knew what to work for. I was told I would be able to trust and my heart that got broken would able to be healed. I was told I would be able to live without fear of food or the mirror and now I am not. I am not afraid of the mirror, number, or whatever. I know I achieved so much in recovery and have come far. I have honestly never felt so happy either. I finally can look in the mirror and smile. I can look right into fear and face Ed. I can talk back to Ed pretty much on a dime. I can do all this. But I still feel somewhat lost. I know who I am and who i am not. i don't define myself by ed or anything like that. I can trust people and even learning to trust myself but I don't know if it can get any better. i know i will not let it get worse.

I have fought too long and hard to fall back. granted I can't predict the future so I have a plan in place but still. I kinda feel like I don't know what to expect now. I feel that I don't really have anyone that I can relate to that has been doing well and all that. Behaviors have been controlled for nearly a year with a minor slip up here or there but nothing major. I have had major gains if anything. I don't know what to do exactly. I know I still got to work on staying consistent especially with school that started again. I know I should lower my expectations some for myself..but I don't expect perfection. I feel kind of stuck in a way. things are good and there isn't really anything major. Yes, I still need and use some support and I have an amazing mentor, family and friends who help with that but I also do a lot on my own (maybe too much). A lot of this doesn't even make sense to me so I don't know if it makes sense at all.

I sometimes wonder if there will ever be a day or a month that I won't have some kind of struggle or have to think about this or that to keep things good. I don't know where to go from here or if things will get better even. I don't know what to expect of myself really. It is hard cause I need to know. I want to know and I am determined to find out. i know I am not at the end of the road and not recovered period but is this it? Is this as far as i will go? I in know way doubt that people can do it and not feel like I am and go further I just don't know if it will happen for me. I am not saying it is possible but things have been good for so long and nothing has really changed for the worse so is this what I always dreamed and hoped for? I am just confused. Granted, I am VERY grateful and appreciate soo much of what I have and gained but i don't know. I just want to know and soon cause I am not very patient. Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts or been where I am and gone further idk? I would really appreciate it.

<3 Devyn

It is a better (an update)

he past few days (or weeks) have been really rough (see precious blog post) but today I had orientation at school...so it wasn't my orientation but I have to help put it on for all the new freshman and it felt like home. I just realized a lot today. I realized this time last year I was still struggling soo much Ed wise. I almost went to treatment and not college. MY parents and treatment team took a risk and trusted me. It was perhaps one of the best years of my life though.Recovery helped soo much. I realized that being in recovery was hard and sometime was the last thing I wanted to do but being with Ed was soooo much worse. I realized that I had to get out there and out of my comfort zone so i did. I joined a few clubs, and became a Senator in Student Government. I go to a small liberal arts college so I realized early on people also notice if you aren't doing well especially professors and admins...but you get even more notic'ed for your achievements. When I looked into some of the new freshmans' eyes I saw myself in a way...all confused but wxcited but unsure and wondering how do I fit in and what the hell did I just get myself into more school?? But I realized today I am still a little confused about what is going to happen this year....not living on campus and on my own with Kelsey (the best part I think)...how am I going to balance things this year even better since Ed is gone (mostly) and how am I going to continue to grow...I don't necessarily know the answers to these yet. I know I might still have doubts sometimes or I might get frustrated or overwhelmed and stressed but what I do know is a few things. 1. I don't use Ed anymore. 2. I have support 3. I know and will use it even though I am still somewhat stubborn. I am working on that too. I have kinda had an awakening that I can do this still. I know I can and I am doing it. It is also great to have a great mentor finally too. That is huge for me especially without a treatment team now (wooohoo cause I got this) in addition to all of the people that support me now...all in different relationships and in different ways.

I am still not very excited for the homework but I am for my classes. I am excited to meet new people especially the freshman cause not long ago I was one. I am excited to find what I need to do to push far beyond my comfort zone to give me a challenge but I also know not to have too high of expectations....another thing to work on. MY mentor really helped point that out to me. So I am working on that to lower them even more. I also realized I need to get back into my journaling...another homework assignment from my mentor. I usually have no problem the time is the issue so along with planning when I will eat I get to plan when to journal and when to do something good just for me. So that is soo good cause structure helps me especially since it is my positive structure and not ED's!!!! I feel like not only is my heart talking but it is working for me and not against me. My mind is very logical and reasoned as much as it will go at least. I finally feel that I am even more free than the freedom I have....still want more and will get it....but whenever it happens it will.

It is kinda hard cause for months now I haven't had to schedule meals or journaling or anything like that...I was doing it on my own and intuitively but I also had the support of my therapist too...mentor helped me with this as well when she called me...I now have to trust myself and teach myself how to do that without it and not lose all I have worked for (I won't). I know eventually I won't but if it helps me stay on track and ahead of Ed I will do it. I told myself a long long time ago I would do whatever it takes to recover no matter what. I am still holding myself to that and expectation I will not lower cause I will win this battle...this disease is not going to win...it's not as is...so why give it a break.

My heart felt the need to write this.

I just felt the need to write and had no clue what came out. This is what came out and it is not surprising this is what my heart felt it needed to write.


Today the world spins
My heart is full of wonder
What will life bring
Rain? Thunder?
Even among the clouds
There is one clear thing
My love for you is enduring

Troubles fly
They come and go
We laugh and cry
Unknown reason sometimes
With no doubt in my mind
I always love you
No matter what life throws
There's no question in me

When the sun is out
The love runs through my veins
Filling me with light in my heart
For it preserves the love
When clouds come out
It is still within me
Shining bright
Just looking within

As beautiful as a sunset
Shining in the evening sky
Blends of bright color
Totally unique and wonderful
Gleaming over everything
That it can see
Showing the inner beauty

Imperfect yes but beautiful
Gazing into her eyes of love
Shows that love is possible
Something I never dreamed could happen
Once broken now being healed
It is a new beginning
Grateful as can be

Learning to trust and believe
That there is hope in me
That I am not a disgrace
Or a waste of life
That every moment is worth it
She taught me this you see
I am so grateful to thee

My love for her shines bright
Bright as can be and gleaming
I don't always know why
How can this be?
I got something
Something I thought that never existed
But it did
I hope it stays

It just came to me
This is life
This is how it is meant to be lived
Yes their are rocks and bricks thrown
But you build upon them
Climb them as they come
Building something strong and beautiful
I finally have a sense of this

I feel free
Free to love her
Free to be me
Not living in fear anymore
It may be hard at times
But nothing worth doing
Is rarely easy

It is learning to dance in the rain
Love the moment
And live for the next
Something I am still learning
But leaps and gains
Have gotten me closer
Only because of you

Loving you so much
Beautiful inside and out
Bring me happiness and joy
you are strong and courageous
You have overcome so much
With life still a journey
One that we both can be on

Strong as one
Together stronger
We have the ability
To accomplish whatever
Whatever our heart desires
Faith, hope, love, determination

Definition

For a long while now close to 10 or 11 months I have been very solid in recovery. I have had to work years to get where I am so Ed and my struggles have always been apart of me even when I separated. I separated myself first from Ed that was easier said then done. I was always blaming myself for Ed and making it all me that was the problem. But the truth is separating from Ed makes recovery a hell of a lot easier. I found out that really I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this and I had to change my relationship with Ed. Again easier said than done but I did it. Ed now pops up here in there but it is few and far between. Ed doesn't really have control anymore, well not over food at least but he can still manage to try to bully me. I talk back and win usually (may take a while).

Then I began defining myself by the struggles I have had and though I was/am experiencing a lot of freedom from Ed and finding out who I am without Ed I haven't really thought about it in a while. I am still figuring out how to life this new beginning. this new life of freedom is something I never dreamed would actually happen. I all of a sudden have so much time instead of appointments and therapy etc I now have those hours and days to myself. It has been kind of a challenge to actually get out and not isolate and do things. I have had to learn to trust myself and others. I have had to find out what I want to do and just do it. I am still learning what to do and how to live this life.

One thing that has really helped me is I have participated in Thom Rutledge's and Jules Merryman's Beyond Eating Disorder workshops. I have really gotten a lot out of those. Mostly a good reminder on how to stay separate and even more finding and healing my inner child. Cumberland Furnace, the place it is held, is now my safe place. I really love that workshop and been wanting to go back but at the same time I feel like I should try and trust myself and see what I can do. As much as I LOVE seeing everyone there and meeting even more people I have decided not to go to the next one in an effort to reconnect and first of all find what the hell I need to work on now. I feel I am in a very awesome place and finally away from Ed but now I am having to find me and define me. I have had so much turmoil lately inside of my head with this decision and was emailing some people for support on what to do even. Thom last night gave me a really good reply in that I need to define myself and find out who I am and what I need to do next. What is my comfort zone and how do I push out of it. Right now I don't really know but it inspired this blog post.

I know freedom is possible and that I am strong and have accomplished so much. I know I also have a lot more to accomplish and many opportunities in my life are still to come. I know that I am caring and love to help others, often I rather help others than myself. I have had to learn to balance that and take care of myself first cause that is more important. I know I am dedicated in all that I do and especially to recovery. I also know that if I start to struggle I have to ask for help and I have a plan in place even. I know I love to dance, color, act, and run (of course healthy). I know I have a beautiful personality and am beautiful, but I still have those days where I want to hide. I know that I am imperfect and that perfection doesn't exist. I know I am not "recovered (period)" but I know I am close and will get there. I know I am not completely independent either. I love to be outdoors and try new things. But I am also still learning how to trust. I am in no way always doing well, but I also have done very well. I know and believe that anyone can recover, but occasionally I doubt my potential. I sometimes don't know what to do with myself or my life and lose hope but then I know I am usually thinking in black and white and need to find the gray area. I know I have to be flexible and change but sometimes it is the thing I rather not do and get scared. I know sometimes I am fearful but I know I can also ask for help and overcome it. I guess I am Devyn and do know who I am. I know I need to look into my heart a little more, trust that and my gut. I know I still got to reach out and get out there. I know isolation just is bad period.

SO maybe I can define myself but it is just complicated but I think I am alright with that as long as I keep practicing and moving forward. A few bumps are bound to happen but life is a journey right? Recovery is hard sometimes but is possible and worth it. Freedom is possible.

Amazed at myself!

Freedom
Today is a day I thought that would never come. It came sooner than I could ever imagine. It took a lot of trust in my treatment team, friends, family and other support to help me to believe that as of today I am officially done with therapy. I have felt really strong and been really strong recovery wise for many months now and Ed hasn't been much of a problem at all. It's been more the whole self-confidence thing that can still get at me a little bit....but that is perfectly fine. I don't always have to like myself but I do love who I am. I don't always have to be strong or be able to handle things on my own, but I do have to ask for support and reach out to friends and family when I need to. I don't and will not always have good days but I have many. I have been thinking about all that I have had to do to get where I am today all the visits, sessions, meal plans and most importantly breaking ED's RULES! Those may have been hard and at times I even doubted whether I could do it, deserved it or should even bother but I am SOOOOO GLAD THAT I DID!!!!!! All the work you have to do is SO WORTH it. I am not to the point where I can completely say this is the end...but I can say that I am where I need to be to continue to succeed in this journey. Recovery is a journey and one thing I learned, especially through the past two retreats, is that Ed will always be around but he won't have the power or control. Honestly, Ed doesn't really have much control ever....the bully a little, ms. p tiny bit....but Ed not so much. I find the things that I have to overcome are just "normal" daily stressors and situations. The thing is I can overcome anything that life throws my way and hell Ed well he's near but not controlling. Freedom is soo possible. Trusting others, believing in yourself and trusting yourself is sooo possible. I believe everyone deserves recovery AND can succeed in recovery and life. It is possible. You can do anything if you put your heart to it and really work hard on it. It takes time but all the little steps add up and it all happens when it happens. I fully accept where I am in my life and I am so amazed and proud of myself for it. I just got to keep doing what I am doing. I got this! We all can do this! MC has helped me soo much especially all the relationships and support I have built. It is truly amazing. Freedom is possible. "Ed takes, recovery gives." Cheryl