A guest post I did on perfectionism

I did this post for Voice In Recovery. Check it out!
http://voiceinrecovery.wordpress.com/2010/04/26/eating-disorder-perfectionism-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-chaos-but-it-doesn%E2%80%99t-always-have-to-be-that-way/

What I am. What I am not.

I am a fighter. I am a wall of stone.
Nothing in this world can bring me down.
I am a daughter, a life long learner
Whose heart laughs and sings
With hope and joy I love to bring

I'm not a liar or crushed to bits
I'm not surrounded by hate or evil.
I'm not trapped by the "sick" me anymore
I'm not one to make excuses

I am a lover. I have my faith.
Nothing can stand in my way
I have support in endless waves
I am a friend, and care for others
With hopes to change lives to come

I'm not defined by others
Not a classification of a person
I am not that special
To not be able to overcome all this
I'm not one to take "no" for an answer

I am a girl who strives in life
I strive to be free
With the freedom to be me
Freedom in my life
With this journey

I am not wounded. I am not a victim.
I am not broken or shattered
I am not wearing a mask or hidden behind a facade
To not be able to face my fears
Is only a part of my past and not now
I don't let others decide my life for me

I am a girl who understands herself
And what i don't understand
I don't worry about
I live in the moment. I make choices
I take action on those choices.
So ultimately I can just be happy
I can just be me!

still thinking...

I am still thinking a lot about, why do I still feel so happy, free, and content with who I am? Maybe it is because I am not taking breaks, making excuses, or hiding anything anymore. I am being ME! I am showing my passion for life every breath I take and every experience I have. I have continued to let go of the perfectionism. I am letting go my anxiety about life, and being present in the moment. It may be hard at times but nothing could make me want to go back to a life of hatred of myself and others, my life, the world (yes..the world), isolation, self-harm etc. NOTHING CAN OR WILL STOP ME FROM ENJOYING MY LIFE. I have really loved the relationships I am developing with my friends. I really feel (and know) I am opening up and trusting others. I trust myself to do anything I set my mind to. I know I am going to beat anything life throws at me. I have faith. It also was a big deal that last night I was completely open to my parents about how I am bisexual.

For a long time that is something I had to hide and I think that was one part of why it was so hard for me to open up to them and communicate to them. Well my parents, ROCK they didn't care and had an idea already. Gee I can't get away with anything even if I don't tell them. I think this semester's finals will be a lot less hell than last semester. I am taking care of myself. I won't be pulling 72 hours straight of studying and not eating or taking any breaks. I will continue to keep being intuitive to what my body needs and taking time just for me to journal, blog, etc just to get my mind off of school. I am going to sleep and cut off studying at 11 PM just like I am doing now. It also helps that my work at the ski resort ended today and I don't start my new job until after finals probably. But right now all I am thinking about is how far I have come, how far I have changed and what I need to continue in order to feel this way about my life. I am being me and that is all that matters.

Walking towards freedom!

Life really is a journey with ups and downs. I forgot got the down part last night. I forgot on how I have always been able to bounce back fast. I forgot about all that led up to it were my Choices and though not great they served a purpose. It showed me all that I did not want to go back to. I am glad last night I reached out to my friends and my parents. I am so glad I used the DBT skills I learned in treatment. I am so glad I was able to be honest with myself and not put up a mask or facade. I am so proud of myself I trusted myself to ask others, besides my parents for once, for support. I got it. It wasn't hard once I actually did it. It felt freeing. It really made it clear that I can do this. Just a rough day nothing more nothing less. I handled it as best I could. I didn't cope in unhealthy ways. I listened to music, journaled, I took a hot shower, I made it a new day. Right then, right there I started over. Today the sun is shining outside but I can also say the fire inside my heart glowing for life is strong again.

I feel I can still live a healthy, happy and productive life. I still define my life and I exhibit control. I make choices, ask for help and don't make excuses. I have given up aiming for perfectionism for just doing my best. I am me. This journey is hard at times granted I will say that but a little bump happened. It could have been made into a bigger one by actions I could have taken or didn't take at all but I took the right ones. I did what I needed to do for me. I am strong. I am not alone and this all is still getting better. I took another step forward last night even though it didn't feel great at all and I cried. Today I will not say I am ecstatic about life but I can honestly say I am doing pretty darn good. It was unknown, hard, imperfect and uncomfortable and amazing all at once. I overcame a wall and am still standing. I am closer to finding freedom and me even more than a day ago. RECOVERY is HARD but I can say with even more conviction that it is WORTH IT. I feel even more freedom today! Recovery gives freedom but ya gotta do the hard work.

will this ever end?

so been doing really well lately then today I was just not feeling so great emotionally or physically. I was "on edge" all day and managed during work thanks to kids i love but on the home I called my mom and we were talking and I just began to cry. It isn't even something big and nothing that can't be resolved. It just really got me thinking a lot about how I have felt so good with my life and they way I have been handling things then today I felt kinda sad and depressed. I was tired all day (that's normal sadly) too. I am grateful that i can feel these feelings and make it through but it is weird cause I feel confused again about why I am like this. this is definitely something i will bring up in my next appointment because it obviously is an issue I need to work on. I still know and trust that I can have freedom and recover from it all. I know this is just another wall I have to climb over. I can and will do it but it just kinda sucks right now. I had intentions of after work to go run or something constructive maybe even see a friend but didn't. I have not done that. I have isolated. I know what to do but tonight I feel I have taken a step back and have not made the choices I should have including eating dinner. It is something I can change for tomorrow but I feel lost right now. I want and need to eat now but now I am so tired and just want to relax and sleep. I know I am playing more into the "sick" role tonight and I don't like it but I don't seem to be able to change it right now, tonight. I just feel defeated. I don't know what to do, I really don't.

Time all alone

Ok So i am constantly busy during the week and when I have work (like today) I am usually busy afterwards in one way or another. In the past if I don't have something that needs to be done or unstructured time then I usually isolate and that leads downhill. Well even with roommates there are times when I am the only one here. We all have our own busy lives and so yea. Well tonight and I known most of the weekend probably I will have lots of time alone. But just because I am alone doesn't mean I have to be sad or depressed, or that things will get worse and I will fall into a vicious cycle. Tonight I have been alone I got home from a very stressful day at work and it has still been a really good day. Hell self-care isn't scary it is wicked and as far as quiet time goes....this is empowering and a good time for reflection and relaxation without guilt or judgments.

This alone time is what I am taking as all the time I missed or "forgot" the self-care aspect of life. So I called a friend who is amazing. We talked for a couple of hours and she helps me sooo much. It is a very mutual thing we help each other. I am also getting ready to read and journal for a while and then just relax and get to sleep hopefully by midnight. I just am just not sleep nearly as I would like. SO I am doing my best and making the choices I can make. I have still been doing pretty fantastic overall...wait lets get the "pretty" out. I have been doing fantastic and it feels great. I have so much freedom within myself. I feel so at peace.I am working really hard on trusting others and myself. i have been. I am gaining back some relationships I had lost, some I still have and some I am experiencing all for the first time.

I feel I am on the home stretch of it all. I feel this is my last lap. It may be a long lap but I am going to just experience it as it comes. I love who I am and who I am becoming even more. I am loving the way my journey in life is developing and I feel so empowered lately. This time tonight has just given me the challenge to prove to myself that I can have time all alone and be content and at peace. My mind is calm and there is one voice and that voice is MINE! I am feeling really good even when crap happens I don't let it ruin my day. i stay positive, feel the feelings, notice the positives, and make the best choices I can make and put the choices in action! I am ME! I and perfectly fine with just being ME! I am beautifully imperfect!

Freedom is appearing!

So the past couple weeks have been AMAZING! Really ever since I went to the retreat about a month ago it has been probably one of the hardest months in my life but it has also been on of the greatest! I am finding the real me. I am finding out I can trust others and that I can also trust myself with anything. I am rediscovering parts of myself I repressed, ignored, or have never found in the first place. I am very open-minded,loving, caring, and strong. I can tackle anything I put my mind to. There is no more trying anything and hoping I can do it. I can do it. I make the right choices most of the time but even when I don't, I do my best and am positive about it. I am also a constant life-learner. I am not even talking just about my classes at college but just about life in general.

A very special person once told me that recovery is a journey and so is life. I believe that it is and that concept of journey has changed my thought processes, my outlook on life and the perspectives I have. With all of the self-love and confidence that I have gained even in only this past month I feel a good amount of freedom. It is almost indescribable. It is beautiful and warm. It is enlightening and is just beautiful to feel free and to be able love who I am. I knew I got a bunch out of the retreat but now applying all of that and working through Cheryl's book Telling Ed No that just came out I feel I am seeing more freedom each and every choice I make. I love it.

It is also amazing that I have been do so great in recovery. I have been working with my treatment team and been completely honest with them. I have been succeeding on my goals and contracts that I have had in place and requiring less restriction and control. I am now off a meal plan and have been moved into complete intuitive eating principles and just having to log it which for me is huge! I have been on some sort of meal plan ever since I first was diagnosed and entered treatment when I was 9. I have also gained back their trust and respect to be healthy and consistent enough to exercise some again. I am stoked about this because it is just proof that I have gotten further in recovery and have been doing great. My parents and treatment team have said about the past year despite struggles I have immensely improved and changed. Change is good. It reminds me of butterflies and how butterflies start as a caterpillar then change into a beautiful, magnificent, and free creature.

I love who I am and will become. It may still be hard at times but coming from a girl who was in complete denial, didn't think that I could recover, and that it was impossible and a waste of time, I know those were all lies ED told me. I am Devyn. I define my life! Not anyone else but me! <3

Life truly is amazing!

So I have been having to fight a lot lately to recover and to keep pushing through everything that i need to push through in therapy, school, work, family, friends etc. Well I have also been amazing at doing that (I would typically never say amazing about hard work and stress) but I have also felt amazing about my life, myself and how my mood has been.

So l am a Senator at my college and we had our annual gala last night. Up until the second I left last night I had mix feelings about it. i was definitely excited but I was also nervous not only because I was with a lot of people from my college in student government, various professors, and a couple deans but also because I almost made the point. in a way, not to get close to too many this year and just dealt with the basics and what I had to do. I let eh complete honor and leadership of my position which there are only 40 Senators in my college of 4,000 and that in social science cluster (my cluster since I am a psych major) there are only 4 seats and Social Science is a big thing at my school. So I am very privileged to be a part of it again next year as I got re-elected a few weeks ago. I have also been so stoked about last night. I got an award last night there and I also handled the dinner with everyone there very well. First of all I wasn't even thinking about the food and neither did Ed until I already ate my main course and most of desert and this was over a few hour time span too. It was the first time since I was 9 (when all this began intensely) that Ed wasn't there and neither was I judging myself or what I was doing. I really was loving the experience. I feel like i really am an adult and have really been becoming engaged in my community at college, my future career in psychology after college and just life. I had soo much fun and it really also brought into perspective on how much I have really grown and changed over the past few years for sure and even the past year. I am not even 19 til July and I feel that aspects in my life have changed so much and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Secondly, today is my one year of being out of treatment. It is also a huge thing for me because the longest I have been out of treatment of some sort in almost the past 10 years has been 7 months. Granted I still see my therapist bi-weekly and my dietitian bi-weekly but those are my choice and I consider them upkeep at this point and to keep going further. I am so stoked about it. It was even better that last night I didn't realize it was til it popped up in my calendar this morning and my old T at my old treatment center texted me and told me. So i felt it weird at first. it feels in many ways it wasn't too long ago but in others it feels like a lifetime. But time wise it really wasn't. I didn't even graduate from high school until June 2009. But I feel so proud of myself that things have really been going great even though it is hard at times. But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way. Everything i have gone through in my life good and bad has made me into the person i am today. I am smart. I am beautiful inside and out. I am wise about life. I have faith in myself and others. I believe in myself and am trusting myself and others. All of this is a work in progress. None of this is perfect but neither am I and I don't intend to be anymore. I am who i am and that is perfectly fine for me!

Oh and I also got an awesome job working at children's center for kids who have mental and behavioral problems. this is awesome cause it is what I want to do as a psychologist one day so i get to start in a few weeks and will be full-time Therapuetic Preschool Specialist (their fancy word for teacher in the class) in the summer and part-time in college semesters. It is the job I have wanted ever since I interned there so I am stoked and it will be a wicked summer especially with the retreat right before college starts up in August. Well sorry for the long blog but oh well wait I don't feel sorry it is what I needed to write and it feels good that I did. yay no I get to go post it on my actual blog site too.

Ok lol. I am done now. Love ya