Running to my mind and finding my soul
Has been anything but an easy battle
But one that i would never live without
I may not always have blue skies and sunshine
But I have myself now and it is free
It is still a journey with ups and downs
But happy I still have my support
I am glad I actually have control
Not the false one once given before
Not now, not ever again will I give in
I have this love and overwhelming sense of joy
Freedom to be who I want to be and how I live
Grateful for my past but I have moved on now
Thanks to those who have supported to me
Helped me though this rocky journey
It is finally level for the most part
I have never felt so great
Even though I still struggle at times
I know this is my life
I am shining bright in my own light
Living life to its fullest
Not encapsulated anymore
By him or anyone one else
I am me; perfection nonexistant
I am standing up still
My inner child is loved
It is at home now
Calmed by my love
Back to being herself
Getting stronger and healing
I am holding onto this light
It is as bright as can be
I am winning this fight
Others finally see me
I thank those who love me
For though i tell my past self
and look to where I have come from
I am a butterfly beautiful as can be
Flying towards the sunlight
Free as can be
Friday, June 18, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Living Life
So I haven't written a blog in a while and so it's late at night but not tired so might as well write. So lately since school got out at the end of May I have been busy working, spending time with my fiance, and trying to make time for fun and relaxing things as well. I am so grateful to have accomplished my first year in college well and having the summer of my life. I haven't even been on chats or much on here in almost a month but still post...but it is cause I am finally LIVING MY LIFE!!!
I am finally now just appreciating how great life is, how fantastic I have been doing since the retreat in March (even though I still have rough days occasionally), and how even though I am not in a constant battle fighting, or constantly having to change things with my treatment team that I still have to keep my guard up just in case and i still have to work on things. I still know that this is a journey. I still have to remind myself to keep doing what i need to no matter what. I am still working on self-esteem and some other issues but for the most part I am doing well. I am beginning to realize that the freedom that started to show glimpses a few months ago and i thought was here hopefully to stay, well it is still here and keeps growing. it is to the point I am so busy with work, hanging out with friends, my fiance, and family that I almost need to slow down a little more. I still am taking care of myself but you can never have too much self-care lol.
I love that I am able to talk back to Ed on a dime. I love how I can be around family and friends and be open, honest and communicate and trust them. I am so proud that I have even made it this far cause originally I NEVER thought it was possible. I thought "every one can do it but me. I am too weak", well um I am not that special. No one is. I believe recovery is possible for everyone. It is hard work and can be a pain in the butt, as it sometimes still is for me but it is soooooo much better than any so called "life" with Ed. Ed is a LIAR. He doesn't know what is good for me or anyone for that matter. I actually like my treatment team now cause I am not fighting them, I am working with them and they even listen to me now. Weird huh? lol. If I listen, they seem to listen to me too. I like it this way. I have also been able to deal with things on my own. I can handle the tough emotions/ thoughts without even thinking about doing any behaviors or coming close. I will NEVER go back to that. As I write that I think that a few years ago that was not even possible to consider or even how at the beginning of this year I second guessed it. Well I did it. I have accomplished a lot but only with a lot of hard work, patience, time, dedication and standing back up after falling down many times.
I even think that falling is down is possible as neither life nor me are perfect and mistakes happen but that is why i already have a plan and i know i would always be right back up. I can ask for support. I bounce back fast but this wasn't always this way. I remember the days of my past struggles. another thing that is a great reminder to me now is that i got a tattoo with my fiance last Saturday. it was my first recovery tattoo is how i define it. it is a butterfly. to me the butterfly now permanently on my wrist serves as a reminder of how life is a journey and how much i have changed. it also reminds me of the freedom i fought for and not willing to lose. butterflies are free and beautiful just like me. I am change and I am living my journey, not Eds.
I am finally now just appreciating how great life is, how fantastic I have been doing since the retreat in March (even though I still have rough days occasionally), and how even though I am not in a constant battle fighting, or constantly having to change things with my treatment team that I still have to keep my guard up just in case and i still have to work on things. I still know that this is a journey. I still have to remind myself to keep doing what i need to no matter what. I am still working on self-esteem and some other issues but for the most part I am doing well. I am beginning to realize that the freedom that started to show glimpses a few months ago and i thought was here hopefully to stay, well it is still here and keeps growing. it is to the point I am so busy with work, hanging out with friends, my fiance, and family that I almost need to slow down a little more. I still am taking care of myself but you can never have too much self-care lol.
I love that I am able to talk back to Ed on a dime. I love how I can be around family and friends and be open, honest and communicate and trust them. I am so proud that I have even made it this far cause originally I NEVER thought it was possible. I thought "every one can do it but me. I am too weak", well um I am not that special. No one is. I believe recovery is possible for everyone. It is hard work and can be a pain in the butt, as it sometimes still is for me but it is soooooo much better than any so called "life" with Ed. Ed is a LIAR. He doesn't know what is good for me or anyone for that matter. I actually like my treatment team now cause I am not fighting them, I am working with them and they even listen to me now. Weird huh? lol. If I listen, they seem to listen to me too. I like it this way. I have also been able to deal with things on my own. I can handle the tough emotions/ thoughts without even thinking about doing any behaviors or coming close. I will NEVER go back to that. As I write that I think that a few years ago that was not even possible to consider or even how at the beginning of this year I second guessed it. Well I did it. I have accomplished a lot but only with a lot of hard work, patience, time, dedication and standing back up after falling down many times.
I even think that falling is down is possible as neither life nor me are perfect and mistakes happen but that is why i already have a plan and i know i would always be right back up. I can ask for support. I bounce back fast but this wasn't always this way. I remember the days of my past struggles. another thing that is a great reminder to me now is that i got a tattoo with my fiance last Saturday. it was my first recovery tattoo is how i define it. it is a butterfly. to me the butterfly now permanently on my wrist serves as a reminder of how life is a journey and how much i have changed. it also reminds me of the freedom i fought for and not willing to lose. butterflies are free and beautiful just like me. I am change and I am living my journey, not Eds.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Things..things and more things.
So a friend, who's blog I love and continuously read did a post on things and I felt it was just so wicked awesome that I needed to continue. Thanks Andrea! http://liveyourideallife.blogspot.com
Things I don’t know yet (except, of course, when I do)
What my classes will be like in the fall.
What grad school will I attend
What exactly do I want to do with a PhD in psych anyways (well kinda but not completely)
future family???and when??? (hopefully not til after grad school lol. I'm young)
Things I'm learning
How to breathe more
Accepting the unknown
How lucky I am to be alive and experiencing freedom
How to experience freedom without Ed
What to do with my life
The love I have working with kids
Things I'm wishing for
June or July 29th lol both are good beginnings of river trip and the latter a retreat
Cross Country season to start
Being able to travel more
Seeing a few friends this summer and fitting them into my busy schedule
Things that are getting on my nerves
Toddlers that bite a lot at my work (still love them though)
Drama
Lack of time in the day
Not being able to do as much as I would like to do for ME!
Rain
Things that scare me
Spiders
Snakes
Not knowing where my phone is (yes..I am that attached to it)
Things that are making me happy
My relationships with friends and family
Continuously experiencing freedom from Ed and enjoying life
Being out of classes for a few months
Working with kids again
Being in good health
Sunshine :)
All in all good. Needs to get back to blogging more often. Busy life lol but wouldn't have it any other way.
Things I don’t know yet (except, of course, when I do)
What my classes will be like in the fall.
What grad school will I attend
What exactly do I want to do with a PhD in psych anyways (well kinda but not completely)
future family???and when??? (hopefully not til after grad school lol. I'm young)
Things I'm learning
How to breathe more
Accepting the unknown
How lucky I am to be alive and experiencing freedom
How to experience freedom without Ed
What to do with my life
The love I have working with kids
Things I'm wishing for
June or July 29th lol both are good beginnings of river trip and the latter a retreat
Cross Country season to start
Being able to travel more
Seeing a few friends this summer and fitting them into my busy schedule
Things that are getting on my nerves
Toddlers that bite a lot at my work (still love them though)
Drama
Lack of time in the day
Not being able to do as much as I would like to do for ME!
Rain
Things that scare me
Spiders
Snakes
Not knowing where my phone is (yes..I am that attached to it)
Things that are making me happy
My relationships with friends and family
Continuously experiencing freedom from Ed and enjoying life
Being out of classes for a few months
Working with kids again
Being in good health
Sunshine :)
All in all good. Needs to get back to blogging more often. Busy life lol but wouldn't have it any other way.
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