So I am up and working right night at the treatment center I work at. I typically NEVER work graves but I like to help people out and this is only 6 hours and I don't have a ton going on until noon tomorrow. That being said, it is way too quiet and I can't put on music really so I might as well write. Since I am avoiding the load of readings I brought with me and I have yet only got through one. I still have about 2 hours but I thought maybe writing for a few minutes might help.
I have been thinking a lot lately about where I have come from, not in spiritual terms or what not as that is something that is honestly too scary for me to think about but as far as in my life. I have also thought about where do I want to go because I have a lot of change approaching and before I know it it will be here. I am not saying I am really worrying about it right now and am scared at this moment to where it occupies my life but it does come into play every day.
I think that is normal and even can be healthy to look back at your past and future to analyze what has happened and where you have come so you can set goals, appreciate where you have come from, what you have and where you can make changes. I don't think it is healthy to judge it all and think of everything as black and white and be ,"Oh I messed up my whole life because I went into treatment and had to take off a semester of school, struggled getting what I think are good grades and will never get into graduate school....." That was me for so long and some days I get back into that whole mind set to where one little thing even in that week I think will mess me up for ever-I know totally catastrophic thinking errors here as well. It is human to make mistakes, mess up in whatever that may look to you, or to take a completely different path than what you or family expect. We are socialized, here in the US at least that mistakes are not ok. Perfect lives don't exist. What you see is perfect in someones life may not be perfect to that someone. Perfect looks different to everyone and though for the longest time early on once I started recovering from my eating disorder I hated it when people said, "perfect" and said something almost every time they did. It was really bad. I still had that high standard for me but not anyone else-naturally. I still do to some extent, and always will.
Even though I am symptom free, I honestly think that recovery is harder now. I thought stopping the behaviors were HARD but dealing with the raw, scary, and unspeakable problems is even harder because it is easier to just ignore them and try to move on. I kept saying to myself for a while, "I dealt with the behaviors I will deal with whatever emotional part I see fit because I am doing good now. I am in school, doing things I love to do when I have time, working etc.... Well that part I am just letting go because I know I am doing well. I am working and doing school. I got a 3.87 GPA last semester as well, the first time back on the Dean's List since I got out of treatment over years ago. I just started going back to yoga regularly with a friend now that my body is not in pain from other medical problems. yadadada. I do know however, that I could be happier, that I don't have to be nearly has stressed as I do or have change in my schedule affect my emotions. I don't need to have bad depression days, maybe I can have none at all. It used to be every day. It isn't anymore so it is possible. Hell, maybe my insomnia can get better more. I could spend more time with my partner having fun and less us problem solving ways to make it through the day. The possibilities are limitless. I shouldn't let myself get to this point and be "good enough." I know that things can be better.
I wouldn't tell those I love or care about that where they are at now is where they should stay. You should never stop pushing yourself because we as humans we can always grow. If we make a mistake or fall it is ok. If we take a completely different path it is ok. I know that I can do more to help myself improve in my life. That is why I recently pushed myself to get back into yoga. Yes, will I have to push myself to go and also to go do other things with friends and get out more. It is scary but that is life. You never know what can happen..good or bad. Would you rather live life like a sitting duck or live it like a butterfly? If you know me, you know my answer.
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Friday, February 1, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
It's just another year. 2013
It is just another year. The world didn't end as many thought it would or the Mayan's predicted. The days just continue to a new month and the year goes from 2012 to 2013. I think for me that the realization of this is huge. For so many the New Year is filled with sooo many resolutions to lose weight, change this about themselves or some other goal that seems to rarely be reached. I think I may be a little more irritated than usual this year due to my work and school doing the Biggest Loser Challenge with the one at my work as a contest with weekly weigh-ins. HELLO I am done with those and NEVER again! I know for myself I can't do it. I am at healthy just as I am and will NOT subject myself to such torture. I used to do this and make goals to lose this much, exercise so much and change who I am. Let me just say this: It isn't worth it. Most people know that I believe with my heart and sole that diets and crazy exercising don't work. Now I don't think making fitness goals or goals to eat healthier is bad at all I just prefer to make goals year-round that are smaller and attainable. For example, I want to start getting back into yoga as it has physical and mental benefits.
Life is more than just going through the motions of it. For many years it was wake up, go to school, homework, bed, repeat. I would fit in food, family and friends if and when I felt like it. Now that isn't only not healthy but it isn't living. It also isn't necessarily showing empathy or being considerate to those who love me and support me. I am a human not a robot. For so long this was my life due to school and having a set schedule and now work added on. Now even though I still have a set schedule with work and school. I try to thrive rather than survive, although some days I only survive, as it is life. The word thrive has beautiful definitions: to grow vigorously, to gain in wealth or possessions, or my favorite one, to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. So to thrive, I try to relax, watch a TV show or two and eat dinner with my partner. We even will turn on the TV sometimes while doing homework or music. I plan to go out and spend time with my family or partner on the weekends or when I don't work. I am more considerate of how my schedule affects my partner and she and I both deserve and need time together as part of our relationship. I also regularly spend time with my parents, who I used to avoid at any cost. I think many people in society these days have to work a lot and have several things on their schedule for many reasons: economy, kids,schooling, and multiple jobs. I also think it is an active battle to balance a schedule, know what is too much and how to thrive.
So school just started again and it is my last semester before I graduate with my degree. I am really psyched and proud of myself because of all the barriers I have had to overcome and still are overcoming. I am proud I am doing it in three and a half years because I had to take time off for treatment and still graduating with my class. I am REALLY proud of my partner doing it in three years and graduating a year early! I am still working and actually have increased days/hours so it will be a challenge to manage it this semester. However, I have my voice and will speak up to my boss if I need to decrease my hours. She already told me she'd work with me. Right there, I am setting my limits too as I know what will be too much. I really love work at the treatment center with the teens. I really like giving back and being at a healthy place where I can. I have to keep myself in balance and continue to thrive so that I stay in a good place. Now yes, I still have my struggles and am pushing myself but I am also thriving, experiencing freedom, and being me! I never thought it would happen. So here is what I look forward to and goals for 2013.
Life is more than just going through the motions of it. For many years it was wake up, go to school, homework, bed, repeat. I would fit in food, family and friends if and when I felt like it. Now that isn't only not healthy but it isn't living. It also isn't necessarily showing empathy or being considerate to those who love me and support me. I am a human not a robot. For so long this was my life due to school and having a set schedule and now work added on. Now even though I still have a set schedule with work and school. I try to thrive rather than survive, although some days I only survive, as it is life. The word thrive has beautiful definitions: to grow vigorously, to gain in wealth or possessions, or my favorite one, to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. So to thrive, I try to relax, watch a TV show or two and eat dinner with my partner. We even will turn on the TV sometimes while doing homework or music. I plan to go out and spend time with my family or partner on the weekends or when I don't work. I am more considerate of how my schedule affects my partner and she and I both deserve and need time together as part of our relationship. I also regularly spend time with my parents, who I used to avoid at any cost. I think many people in society these days have to work a lot and have several things on their schedule for many reasons: economy, kids,schooling, and multiple jobs. I also think it is an active battle to balance a schedule, know what is too much and how to thrive.
So school just started again and it is my last semester before I graduate with my degree. I am really psyched and proud of myself because of all the barriers I have had to overcome and still are overcoming. I am proud I am doing it in three and a half years because I had to take time off for treatment and still graduating with my class. I am REALLY proud of my partner doing it in three years and graduating a year early! I am still working and actually have increased days/hours so it will be a challenge to manage it this semester. However, I have my voice and will speak up to my boss if I need to decrease my hours. She already told me she'd work with me. Right there, I am setting my limits too as I know what will be too much. I really love work at the treatment center with the teens. I really like giving back and being at a healthy place where I can. I have to keep myself in balance and continue to thrive so that I stay in a good place. Now yes, I still have my struggles and am pushing myself but I am also thriving, experiencing freedom, and being me! I never thought it would happen. So here is what I look forward to and goals for 2013.
2013
- Graduating in May with my Bachelors in Psychology
- Beginning yoga again to help gain strength and flexibility back(Hopefully with a friend)
- Travel during the summer SOMEWHERE with my partner
- Hopefully go to California in July (or around there).
- Blog weekly
- Begin to paint more frequently again
- Stay connected to more friends and supports
- Have FUN more often
- Stay healthy medically!
- Deciding where my partner and I are moving after our lease is up in July
- All of our TV shows especially Grey's Anatomy and GLEE!
- Getting my butterfly and my recovery tattoos touched up and maybe get my other one I want.
- Continue reading books I enjoy on top of textbooks
- Find new music I like (Suggestions are welcome)
- Continue to move forward towards my therapeutic goals in therapy
- Get outdoors more (when it isn't 9 degrees outside)!
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