I just got back from a river trip I go on with my family every year in Desolation Canyon here in Utah. It's on the Green and Price Rivers. It was a really beautiful. I love going back there every year for many reasons. Not only is it a thrill to go white water rafting and to have to paddle with all your might to stay afloat on your boat but it is also away from people and civilization. Granted, I love being around people but it is also good to take time for yourself just like I am doing right now.
Often times you go through life almost on a race track just going through the motions, round and round. There are other times in my life that I have been mindful and just taken one thing at a time and enjoyed every moment. Lately I started to slip into that track, which brought me to think about times in my past. In my past, especially in my eating disorder, I just was in a trap. I couldn't and chose not to get out. In that trap it is easier to just go around in a circle. It is easier to stick to what you know rather than the unknown. It is easier to hold onto the past, the hurt, and all the negative aspects in your life rather than finding new ones. It isn't that you don't care or that you don't want to, at least not in my case. In a way I did. In a way I didn't.
I had support. I was loved and still am. I had many things I needed but I didn't have the courage I did now. I was scared. It isn't that all the treatment in my past went to waste. I don't regret anything. Everything in life happens for a reason and I take something from everything. Eventually I realized I had to do this for me. I didn't want the attention, never did.
If you want something in life to change, you have to do it yourself. No one can do it for you. They can help you and support you. I realized this long ago. This trip brought me back to that as I started to slide back into that trap. But even if that happens, it isn't the end of the world. If you fall back down just stand back up. Things take time too. Not everything we face can be changed but nothing can be changed until it is faced. Feelings are always valid and taking one thing at a time, being mindful really helps.
During Deso (the trip) I had my 20th birthday. It made me think of how much I have gone through. I have had some really hard times in my life but I have had really good ones. I have grown so much too in the past few years. I love who I am now, but I may not always like myself. I know what I do like and don't like. I know what I want in my life and who I love. I know how to overcome challenges and how to ask for help. I am a survivor. I know many more things as well. I have gained much knowledge but their is always more to learn. I know I will have hard times again. I know at times I will have struggles and want to go back to my eating disorder. But I know I will not go back. I know what it is like, and I do not like it. I may have slips but not forever ones.
I know what I need, One thing that I need is that I need to take more time for myself, like now. However, everything is a work in progress. Everything takes time. If you put your mind to it, you can do it. I know I can do anything, even if it takes time or I fall. I will stand back up. I will survive and thrive. I am a work in progress too.
