Artistic, beautiful, musical, sweet, caring, helpful, colorful personality, dependable, loving, hard worker, compassionate, funny, strong,an overall aura that gives off light, talented, good friend, bright, sensitive, make a difference in the world, and amazing. These words were told to me recently by friends as part of an assignment by my mentor. My eating disorder and depression would say that I am the opposite of these that I am unimaginative, ugly, discordant, unkind, unreliable, dull, cold, dark horse, unfeeling, boring, weak, listless, untalented, bad friend, unintelligent, indifferent, and unremarkable. These words coming from my eating disorder hold me back from what I really want in my life. I want to finish my degree and go onto graduate school for psychology. I want to live my life with Kelsey and start a family one day. I want to have a healthy relationship with my friends and my family. I want to be healthy. Most importantly I want to be free from control and I want freedom to be ME!
When I follow recovery I can do that. I am working towards all of that. I have so much freedom compared to four years ago when I was in my eating disorder and I didn't really care. I am fighting every day. Some days I don't have to think about it, ED doesn't pop into my head every day like in the past. Other days he won't leave me alone. Those days are when I have to lean on others and ask for help. I know I can't do it on my own but I know I have to do it for me. No one else can do it for me. I learned that a long time ago. If I want this life I have to fight for it. I have to do the work. It plain out sucks sometimes BUT it gets better! It really does and that is when I think back to where I was and where I am now.
My worst days now are better then my best days a year ago even. Each day I get strong, healthier and more free. Each day I follow recovery I get closer to what I want in my life. If I slip up have a rough day or even week, doesn't mean I am not following recovery. It is part of recovery. It means that I just have to get back up. The falls only make me stronger and make me appreciate everything in my life more. I am where I am due to my persistence, strength, my friends, my family, and my hope and faith. Of course my therapists and all the treatment, and the retreats (OMG the retreats have helped me SOOO much) have changed my life as well. I like to remember all of the things that help. A lot of the time it seems like the focus is on treatment that changes lives. I definitely think it does but even then change comes from within. NO matter what kind of "treatment" you get it all works. I am so grateful for everything and everyone in my life.
Recovery is a journey not a destination. I believe that with my heart and soul. Recovery is possible and recovery changes lives. It has changed mine. No matter what recovery looks like for you it gets better and as long as you are on the path that is what matters. Any addiction, depression, self harm or eating disorder that ANYONE suffers from is possible to recover and overcome.
Those words: artistic, beautiful, musical, sweet, caring, helpful, colorful personality, dependable, loving, hard worker, compassionate, funny, strong,an overall aura that gives off light, talented, good friend, bright, sensitive, make a difference in the world, and amazing are words that sometimes I can believe. Other days I can't. It isn't all or nothing. I am NOT perfect. No one is. My eating disorder tells me other wise. That is when I tell him to SHUT the HELL UP. It takes practice. Some times I can do it. Other days I can't do it. Most days I can due to practice. Practice makes practice. But no matter what I know as long as I follow recovery that it is possible to have freedom. I can see it. I will have it. I will do it! It will be mine!
