Looking back & moving forward

Looking back this time last year was way different. It was good and bad. It was good I successfully finished my first semester at college. But on the no-so-good side i was hiding a lot and really losing to Ed. Well being controlled. It wasn't a time of joy really. Well when there was it was a false self. It wasn't the true self:Devyn. This season, this year, there is this true self. It's me. I haven't been here in a while, maybe years, bits and pieces for sure, not saying I've been fake at all just struggling and fighting but I'm not just barely treading and surviving I am swimming and thriving.

I am not always happy and I still often cry and am sad. I am never perfect by any means, never was nor will be. But there are many times I am glad and laughing with joy. I am told I know have a sparkle in my eye again. I don't know what that looks like but I like sparkly things. I don't even think of going back to certain things that would used to be automatic and it has been three months since one of my behaviors. That is huge, not my longest but a good start. Everything happens for a reason. This holidays season is still stressful for many different reason than last though.

I also start school in less than two weeks again! I am excited and nervous! It is good and I am working now and doing yoga again. just being busy but not too busy. Balance.gray. not black and white.

So just finally thank you to everyone who has been in my life the past you. If you have been in you have helped me one way or another and I thank you. I try to take and learn something from every experience. So Merry Christmas everyone!

<3 Dev

I've done it again

I have done it again. I have worked my ass off to get to where I am. I am preparing to discharge from IOP at Center for Change on Friday. It was news for me yesterday...they were plotting a dsicharge date without me. how dare they lol? I am really proud. I have really gotten on top of my life again and for once I feel like I have my life more. I feel more true to myself and my heart. I feel more happy than ever before even though it really sucks some days. The past two weeks have been a big challenge for me but I have made it. I have made it without behaviors for 3 months now, well with Ed ones and largely other ones. But it is improvement right? I am doing it. I am on this journey and I am never getting off. I am using my support and so grateful for Kelsey and my parents. I am so grateful for my friends. It is going to be good...my future I mean. I believe this. I am showing it. I am doing it!
<3 Dev

"Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light." Levine

"Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light." Levine

Healing takes time and practice. I have been dealing with my eating disorder since it began around 9 and been trying to recover for 5 years. Now I am not just trying but I am doing it. Yes I said do. There is no trying. You either do it or you don’t. For me I don’t try to do my best. Trying allows for excuses to come up. If you do your best now that is different, and best is never perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. It never has and never will. ED convinces us that we need to be so great and “perfect.” That would be boring. Where would the learning be? Where would those hard moments that help us grow and become a better person be? These questions wouldn’t exist.

Since I was 15, I was in and out of treatment. I did get a lot out of it. Each time I learned something more. I am 19 now. Treatment has saved my life and it has helped but I never truly “let go.” I graduated high school, stayed out of inpatient treatment for 2 years and 12 weeks ago I realized I was relapsing. I just ended outpatient with my therapist and everything. I was in college. I’m a sophomore there. I was ready but Ed had one more battle he geared up for. He isn’t going to win this one.

Nine weeks ago I entered treatment again at Center for Change. I was inpatient for a week, stepped down to day treatment and now I am a month into their IOP program. In about 2 weeks I will probably be done if all goes well. You may be wondering what all of this has to do with the quote. I have had to truly let go. It is crazy. Ed has tried to kick my ass. He has been pulling everything he can to hold onto me. I let my mask down. I let down the wall that has stopped me from seeing the light.

Treatment is hard no matter whether it is just seeing a therapist and/or dietitian or in a treatment center in a program. Recovery is even harder. Treatment ends in time. It takes patience and I am not at the end yet. I am only 19; I am emerging as an adult. Recovery is a journey though. It doesn’t end. There is no destination where it is over. Life doesn’t end. It doesn’t stop either. There will always be ups and downs. Ed, self-harm or whatever addiction will be there for a while too. But you have a choice on how you will react.

Letting my mask down, yeah, I have done it before, in treatment. I have talked about my past here and there. I have worked on the behaviors, eliminated them for nearly 2 years, and found better ways to cope. However, avoiding or only touching my issues on the surface didn’t get me too far. But it was the best I could do then! No I can and am doing better. No I am ready and willing.

We can all recover! None of us are alone! There is always someone. It doesn’t matter whether your family and friends know, support and/or understand or not. No one needs to. There are always professionals out there to help, new friends to meet. There is always others like us who struggle. Think about all the readers who read this, like me and you! There are a ton of us and we are all fighting together. Hell, I have even met some of my best friends and supports over MentorConnect (www.mentorconnect-ed.org), a fantastic community, and even good ol’ FaceBook. There are people out there. It is just finding them.You still have to be careful on who you trust but then again it’s called practice and learning. If you do your best that is all anyone can ask for. It will get better.

Don’t give up. It does get better. I promise that. It may take time and it may get better then go down and repeat. But it does get better. It is so worth it and we all deserve recovery. We all can do it. We have each other. I can’t say that recovery is easy or will come in a certain time frame but whatever is meant to happen it will. It takes time. I’m still on the road after 5 years, many treatments and hospitals but it has gotten so much better. I can’t imagine my life without recovery now or how I could even live without it. I am who I am. I am not perfect. I am in recovery and I will recover completely.

I have had a really tough week. There has been a lot that has happened. There have been times where I wanted to give up, just restrict this one time, never! There is no way I am going back to Ed. I have done well the past 9 weeks with behaviors. I am still struggling in one area but working on it. I am giving up Ed but not my life. Not my freedom. Not my best friend, Kelsey. Not my family either. I am getting geared up for school in a month! I am so ready and so prepared for success. Yeah, I will still have to fight, who said fighting would ever stop, but it will get easier. I am still doing this. I am enjoying getting my life back.

I was talking to my dietitian today about how proud i am that my focus has shifted away from the food to the experience. Oh course still intuitive but not overly freaking out. I know if I don't eat, I will feel worse emotionally and it is just a downward spiral. My life is a roller coaster but life will always be that way, but they ways I am coping (not dealing) with it are so much better. Yeah I have let my mask go 100% which has made this time so much worse. I have to be vulnerable 24/7. I have to trust myself and others. I have to always remember that I am not alone. I remember that I love Kelsey forever. She is amazing. I can tough things. Every time I start to struggle I ask, "Does this match up with my values?" IF the answer is no I change what I am doing, ask it again and keep going. Minute by minute sometimes has become more to hour by hour or day by day.

But that really doesn't matter. I love what I have in my life and like I said 12 weeks ago I will recover completely no matter what it takes. I am doing that. I am committed to my recovery. I am committed to my life and being there. Not just "there" but really "THERE!" I am doing very well at asking for help. I am doing what I need to. I am balancing my life with Kelsey, friends and family. My relationship with her has never been better. There are always improvements to be made but we are really good. WE have had our rough times together and apart. We both have to work on ourselves like we both are now so that we can be stronger together! She truly is MY love for life. I love her with whole heart and soul. We celebrate our 6 months tomorrow, only 2 hours away. WE will do something fun. I am so grateful for her in my life. She is soo amazing and beautiful.

She is so caring and loving. She is always there for me and I am ther for her. We do our best, neither of us are perfect. But our relationship is strong and continues to grow. We are growing together. It has been 6 months since we moved in together as well. It has been a long six in some ways but short in others. I feel like I have known her for a lifetime in most ways. No one understands me as much as her.

I know for me this is what I need. I need Kelsey, recovery, family, friends and most important myself. Without myself there is nothing else. Not everything we face can be changed, however nothing can be changed until it is faced.

woohoo life woot woot
<3 dev

Shame

The past 7 weeks I have been back to Center for Change. I am doing treatment there and have been stepping down in care. I am really proud of myself for how well I am do and my achievements there. There are some things I have been realizing about myself.

I think the first one is that my biggest problem is i have a ton of SHAME! That is my major problem. I am who I am. I love myself but I hold onto my past as well, a little too much. Shame is a problem but I have been learning to give myself some grace. Grace from others hurting me, myself, my past, and preparing for the future. I have realized that if I slip back again, oh well. I have the support. I have come along way in recovery. I caught this relapse way early. But I still have a ways to go.

I am just 19 and becoming an adult with more responsibilities. I love it though. I even like having my own apartment and utilities in my name. I like the freedom and independence I have earned. I still have freedom and freedom from Ed. Ed doesn't really control me but this time is so much harder cause I have COMPLETELY let go of my mask. I am finally digging up the core issues and working on them. But it is so worth it. I am not a patient person my any means but I am doing it. I will continue to fight cause Shame will NOT control me anymore. i got this. i am not alone. I will recover completely! Recovery is possible, even for me.

<3 me

awakening

Ok it has been a while and the past month so much has happened and so much has changed. I have changed the way I look at things in life. I have gotten my eating back on track and my Ed behaviors way down, none while at CFC of course. I have been really doing well and i am so grateful for all of you who have supported me and been there. I am doing well. I am almost to Phase 3 in the program and been there about 5 weeks now. Wow time goes by fast. I have been home for 4 and might have to go to IOP here soon due to insurance despite my tx team saying it isn't a good idea. Oh well I will do my best and if I make a mistake or fall back some I will have the support at CFC and get more help.

As long as I try my best that is all anyone can ask for. Hell then I would meet freakin insurance criteria. I'm not saying I am going to give up by any means, quite the contrary, but am prepared. I have so many tools and people around me. I am succeeding and will continue to succeed. Hell it was a very hard day yet I am still be positive and optimistic....what a miracle...it actually kind of is a big deal for me.

It is hard sometimes cause I refuse to let myself cry, well not as much now, but still try not to. But I am working on that in addition to other things. It is a process. It is a journey. I will have freedom from Ed. He is losing more and more control daily. One day at a time. It is all going to work out.

I feel like I could write a lot more, put up a few of my poems and other writings I have done but not going to because I need to take care of myself and go to bed.

I want...I need...I will do...

I am really struggling. I am done denying that. I am sinking and falling faster than ever, even in my past, but this time I am noticing it. I am fighting...well trying my hardest to not fall. I am trying to find a reason to fight for myself but I am holding on to those that love me. I don't want to hurt them. I want to find the real me that has been hidden. I know I am slowly exploding and it is only a matter of time...but I hope it doesn't come.

I love Westminster and everyone there sooo much. It has changed my life and school keeps me sane...well mostly. I know being busy is the way I cope...well least harmful. I know that I have slipped into old behaviors...which isn't good. Even if it is easy...I have never been one to take the easy way out...why start now. I am going to fight. I know people love me...deep down I know I am worth it...I just can't feel it now.

It is hard because so many people look up to me. I am the one doing well and making strides and I can't let people down. I am trying to find out what I need to do. I know I need more help but asking for it is hard (even though I asked and got it last week). I feel I should be better now not worse after a week. It is just so hard. So many things are running though my brain. I don't want to hide. I want to be happy or at least I think somewhere in me does. I know I have work that needs to be done. I always say I will do whatever takes, I should live up to what I say. I should take the advice I give others. The advice that says to keep fighting and this journey is worth it. You're not all....but somehow I feel so alone. I am doing what I need to. I am at least being honest with Kelsey and with my parents. I know people care and just want to help me. I am just stubborn and don't want to leave. I don't want to leave what I have now. I feel i am not strong enough and will fall apart.

Somehow, some way, I know that something needs to change within me. I need to fight, and I will. As hard as it is, I have come to far to give up, even though I want to...I won't. I will fight. I will do it NO MATTER WHAT.

I can't believe I am saying that. I really do swing back and fourth with this right now but I am holding on. I want freedom. I will do this...it just may take some time...I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know that and I will try to not just fix it but solve it and find new ways..healthier ones. not ones that only last so long. Don't get me wrong, I know i have succeeded in doing a lot. i know that i have come further than anyone thought possible..but I got a ways to go. I am scared. I don't want to be scared of life or myself. I want to be healthy and happy. I will....eventually, I hope.

Others love me. I love others and those that have been there for me. If I gave up I would be hurting people and I promised never to do that. I need and will fight. Even if I am scared I will hold on for others....until I can do it for myself. I have moments where I am truly good but having more rough spots lately. I don't want to burden others or make them take care of me... I need to be able to do it. Even as much as I am hating writing this...I somewhat wish I was in denial or taking the easy way out. It would be easier.

Just sometimes people don't understand, like my parents, it isn't always a quick fix. you can't always just snap out of it or change it. It isn't as easy and we all know that. I wish people in my life would understand a little bit more. I know they don't have to but I feel soo alone. Even though I am not alone. i feel somewhat like it. I have soooo many conflicting feelings and thoughts. i am tired of the war...I want it to end...I want peace.

someday perhaps...

I have no clue but I do know is that I need to write...
I guess a lot has been going on lately. Maybe more than in past years but less in others. I guess sometimes I wonder what my purpose on this world is? I know I have one and that I know everything I go through is related to that but other than that it is a mystery. I just like to know things but I don't have to (but it bugs me not to). I like to be around people more than in the past and I like who I am for the most part. I like who I am becoming and that I am finding myself more. Although sometimes when I question things or just don't know, like tonight, I wish things were different. I don't know if any of this is even making sense. I don't know if it even makes sense to me. This is just...well I don't know.

I guess there are some things that can change. I guess there are things with myself and others that could be better or that I could understand. There could always be more communication but sometimes I doubt it will ever. I don't have unreasonable expectations really for myself or others anymore, if anyone it would be more myself. I just there is something inside me that just isn't right...it wants to make me cry and I wish I knew what that was. I really do but I also don't even want to know. What if it is something I don't want to handle?

I know I have others around me that support, love, and would be here for me. I know I can make it through anything I need to. I am no way going to give up on myself, my life, others or this journey. I know things are pretty good overall. Maybe I am just thinking too much or is it not enough? Grr this really does irritate me a little though. I hate it when my mind keeps running, especially with this and more negative stuff, it never seems to want to shut off. It is nearly midnight and not really tired yet I have a class and a presentation in 10 hours. I just wish..idk perhaps someday I will know... :( just feeling well idk how i feel....omg another question...

how do i feel? i guess idk. well i know it isn't bad but it isn't necessarily good either. I know things could be better but they have been much worse in the past. i am kinda sad but still kinda content but not happy. I feel sore and crappy physically. I kinda feel optimistic right now but also questioning and curious as well. I am kinda nervous and anxious but still have a sense of calmness. If I could put it in one word or got this question by my therapist perhaps I would say mixed. Grr this is annoying as well.

Hiccup and moving right along

A lot has been happening..good and bad occurred in the past two weeks. I was starting to slip into old behaviors, getting overwhelmed by stress and all that I have going on. But at the same time I was still having some good in my life. I was reaching out for support instead of being stubborn. I was using my CBT and DBT skills along with other skills....but it wasn't enough. So I even reached out to Kelsey, some friends and eventually my parents...not quite enough either but what all these skills and supports did do is keep me acting on my negative thoughts, Evil Ed, my depression and kept me safe.

It was very hard to admit I was struggling and even harder admitting I needed intensive help fast. It was hard because part of it was out of my control, by that i mean my medications needed a big change. I knew that a long time ago that if they needed change it may have had to happen anyways. I asked for support and i got it. I needed to go inpatient to get a boost. It was hard I stayed out of inpatient for about 2 years, which is still an accomplishment, but I needed to do it for myself and my health. I wasn't going to give up on this...or myself. I have to much that I love. Too much to lose to give up. As much as my thoughts kept telling me that was my only option it wasn't and my supports helped remind me of that.

I was quite a process trying to get me back in to my old treatment center...there was a waiting list for like a day so I ended up going to the hospital then to another place for 12 hours which was hell and then to UNI where I have gone for most of my treatment the past few years. I was kind of surprised I was begging for help and to go back because i know what works. I know it helps and it did. It was hard though to. Last time i was still a minor and was on the youth unit this time I was on the adult side as i am 19. It was still good...it was amazing at how much things changed by just changing my meds. It was even more amazing that my just taking a short break and focusing on myself and what I needed how much that helped me too. My treatment team there was AWESOME and kept telling me this is just a little "hiccup" and nothing more. That I did the right thing and would be out in no time. Well i was...this whole thing was only about 4 days total. It was my shortest stay ever but one of ones that helped me the most.

While I was in there i thought about how far I have come these past 4 years but I also still have a ways to go. I am emerging into adulthood still. I am going back into therapy with one of my therapists I haven't seen in a while and she and I work very well. So that will be good and still at this point I will do whatever it takes to stay on this path...no matter what this journey throws at me I will live and have a happy, free and successful life.

No matter how hard things get or if I went back inpatient to get a boost I know that i am worth it. I know that i am going to be healthy. I also know I did the right thing and i am proud of myself even though it was very hard. I know I have a ways to go but I don't discount my past either. I believe I can do this. I am so grateful I have those in my life that helped me when I asked for help. I asked for support and I got it...what a concept lol. It took me long enough to grasp it lol :)

I have the tools, support, skills and everything necessary to succeed. I know i will do that. I believe it and my heart does as well. I can and will do this.

I have had some of the best couple weeks but in a sense they have also been some of the worst in a few weeks. I have felt myself slowly slipping back into the old mind set and more. I have felt myself losing the motivation to fight. I feel a lot of this is due to all the medical stuff I have had to deal with. My Ed is literally killing me slowly and causing more and more problem (or they are now just showing up) months and even years after I have been pretty stable and not engaging in behaviors...yeah the very occasional slips but recovery isn't perfect and neither am I. I have ask myself so many times "why try when it is never enough?" I still somewhat feel that but I also know that I have come far and have accomplished so much. I have survived myself. I can't give up. As much as my brain, Ed and even body is telling me too I can't.

I really need to keep fighting. I don't want to lose the freedom. I know I should not be isolating like I am now. I know i have the support and access to more. I am scared though. I am scared that there is nothing more to fight for. I know there is no destination but it is hard. I feel empty inside and I feel nothing else. I wish I could cry. I wish I could just know why I feel like this. I am confused and somewhat lost. I feel I might need more help again but many were so proud when I was able to end therapy that i can't go back. I still don't think I am that bad but maybe I should. I don't want to go downhill and for once I am realizing it...so maybe since I realize it I won't go further downhill? Everyone was confident in the choice to end it that I have the tools, support, skills etc blah blah blah. I still believe I do...but I have also been soo low lately further than ever in a long time. I don't know what to do. I am hanging on by a thread that I DON'T want to break. I want to stay on this journey of life and even more recovery. i don't want to go downhill I want to stop it but I feel I can't. i am losing control and I know it. But I am going to gain it back. I said a long time ago and promised myself that I will do "whatever it takes, no matter what to recover." I don't want to break that. I hope i don't. I'm well...idk...

This is different!

School just started and this is the official first full week of classes! This year I am so excited as I look back to this time last year. I was scared and was just a freshman. I moved away from home and was out of my DBT treatment program. I had still been working with my therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, MD etc. I was still struggling with behaviors and managing my schedule too.

Now I look back to where I was and compare to where I am this year. This year I am really strong. I am out of therapy and out of with my dietitian. I am engaged in my school in clubs and student governemnt as a leader. I am in process of get a NAMI walk for next fall in Utah. I am involved again in a club called SPEAK and going to go around to high schools speaking about my story and my path to freedom and advocating. I am still not recovered period but I have come far.

I enjoy my life. I stand right back up if I struggle and fall down, what little there are. A lot can be accomplished. A year ago I made the choice that I would do whatever it takes, no matter what to defeat Ed. I still hold that promise to myself. I still belive that anyone can recover if they put in the work. It takes time. I have been working on this since i was 9 and being in and out of treatment and recovery. But this journey is well worth it. it is worth the falls, the trials and the cries. We can do this. None of us are alone and there is also professionals that help as well, when needed. ED is a disease not a choice, in my opinion. Ed is mean and cruel but we are stronger than him. We have something to fight for:life. He has nothing.

This is a battle but one that can be won by all of us. There is hope. We all have the courage and the strength and don't forget that. If you listen to your heart you can achieve anything. WE got this. No matter what it takes I will continue to fight for more freedom and this journey I will hold on to. As Cheryl says, "Recovery is a journey, not a destination." This journey may go up, down, turn, do some flips, and fall apart at times...but that is when you make a choice to get back on and take action.

This year in college, I feel and know it will be different. I am not doing any behaviors. I am doing what it takes to recover and stay consistent. I am still somewhat lost cause I knew to fight for freedom, but now I have that...I am not exactly sure what to fight for or where to go from here. I know I need to stay consistent with what I am doing though and that is a great start. I can do this. I am not alone. We are not alone. I am a leader at school as a Senator and that helps me a lot to not isolate and get out there. I know there is something to fight for and to continue on this journey. I still am walking even though I don't know what I am walking to. But there isn't a destination...so Idk. We got this though. I wonder what will come to me on this journey next.

I believe in all of you! I believe is us. You all inspire me as well. WE got this, let's keep going.
I just really needed to write.

<3 Devyn

Is this it?

Hmmm I never felt that I would have gotten this far. I never felt I would have felt so free to be me and enjoy life but at the same time I feel so lost. For many years everyone was telling me to gain weight, eat regularly, open up and be honest, work hard on communication etc. So i did that I knew what to work for. I was told I would be able to trust and my heart that got broken would able to be healed. I was told I would be able to live without fear of food or the mirror and now I am not. I am not afraid of the mirror, number, or whatever. I know I achieved so much in recovery and have come far. I have honestly never felt so happy either. I finally can look in the mirror and smile. I can look right into fear and face Ed. I can talk back to Ed pretty much on a dime. I can do all this. But I still feel somewhat lost. I know who I am and who i am not. i don't define myself by ed or anything like that. I can trust people and even learning to trust myself but I don't know if it can get any better. i know i will not let it get worse.

I have fought too long and hard to fall back. granted I can't predict the future so I have a plan in place but still. I kinda feel like I don't know what to expect now. I feel that I don't really have anyone that I can relate to that has been doing well and all that. Behaviors have been controlled for nearly a year with a minor slip up here or there but nothing major. I have had major gains if anything. I don't know what to do exactly. I know I still got to work on staying consistent especially with school that started again. I know I should lower my expectations some for myself..but I don't expect perfection. I feel kind of stuck in a way. things are good and there isn't really anything major. Yes, I still need and use some support and I have an amazing mentor, family and friends who help with that but I also do a lot on my own (maybe too much). A lot of this doesn't even make sense to me so I don't know if it makes sense at all.

I sometimes wonder if there will ever be a day or a month that I won't have some kind of struggle or have to think about this or that to keep things good. I don't know where to go from here or if things will get better even. I don't know what to expect of myself really. It is hard cause I need to know. I want to know and I am determined to find out. i know I am not at the end of the road and not recovered period but is this it? Is this as far as i will go? I in know way doubt that people can do it and not feel like I am and go further I just don't know if it will happen for me. I am not saying it is possible but things have been good for so long and nothing has really changed for the worse so is this what I always dreamed and hoped for? I am just confused. Granted, I am VERY grateful and appreciate soo much of what I have and gained but i don't know. I just want to know and soon cause I am not very patient. Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts or been where I am and gone further idk? I would really appreciate it.

<3 Devyn

It is a better (an update)

he past few days (or weeks) have been really rough (see precious blog post) but today I had orientation at school...so it wasn't my orientation but I have to help put it on for all the new freshman and it felt like home. I just realized a lot today. I realized this time last year I was still struggling soo much Ed wise. I almost went to treatment and not college. MY parents and treatment team took a risk and trusted me. It was perhaps one of the best years of my life though.Recovery helped soo much. I realized that being in recovery was hard and sometime was the last thing I wanted to do but being with Ed was soooo much worse. I realized that I had to get out there and out of my comfort zone so i did. I joined a few clubs, and became a Senator in Student Government. I go to a small liberal arts college so I realized early on people also notice if you aren't doing well especially professors and admins...but you get even more notic'ed for your achievements. When I looked into some of the new freshmans' eyes I saw myself in a way...all confused but wxcited but unsure and wondering how do I fit in and what the hell did I just get myself into more school?? But I realized today I am still a little confused about what is going to happen this year....not living on campus and on my own with Kelsey (the best part I think)...how am I going to balance things this year even better since Ed is gone (mostly) and how am I going to continue to grow...I don't necessarily know the answers to these yet. I know I might still have doubts sometimes or I might get frustrated or overwhelmed and stressed but what I do know is a few things. 1. I don't use Ed anymore. 2. I have support 3. I know and will use it even though I am still somewhat stubborn. I am working on that too. I have kinda had an awakening that I can do this still. I know I can and I am doing it. It is also great to have a great mentor finally too. That is huge for me especially without a treatment team now (wooohoo cause I got this) in addition to all of the people that support me now...all in different relationships and in different ways.

I am still not very excited for the homework but I am for my classes. I am excited to meet new people especially the freshman cause not long ago I was one. I am excited to find what I need to do to push far beyond my comfort zone to give me a challenge but I also know not to have too high of expectations....another thing to work on. MY mentor really helped point that out to me. So I am working on that to lower them even more. I also realized I need to get back into my journaling...another homework assignment from my mentor. I usually have no problem the time is the issue so along with planning when I will eat I get to plan when to journal and when to do something good just for me. So that is soo good cause structure helps me especially since it is my positive structure and not ED's!!!! I feel like not only is my heart talking but it is working for me and not against me. My mind is very logical and reasoned as much as it will go at least. I finally feel that I am even more free than the freedom I have....still want more and will get it....but whenever it happens it will.

It is kinda hard cause for months now I haven't had to schedule meals or journaling or anything like that...I was doing it on my own and intuitively but I also had the support of my therapist too...mentor helped me with this as well when she called me...I now have to trust myself and teach myself how to do that without it and not lose all I have worked for (I won't). I know eventually I won't but if it helps me stay on track and ahead of Ed I will do it. I told myself a long long time ago I would do whatever it takes to recover no matter what. I am still holding myself to that and expectation I will not lower cause I will win this battle...this disease is not going to win...it's not as is...so why give it a break.

My heart felt the need to write this.

I just felt the need to write and had no clue what came out. This is what came out and it is not surprising this is what my heart felt it needed to write.


Today the world spins
My heart is full of wonder
What will life bring
Rain? Thunder?
Even among the clouds
There is one clear thing
My love for you is enduring

Troubles fly
They come and go
We laugh and cry
Unknown reason sometimes
With no doubt in my mind
I always love you
No matter what life throws
There's no question in me

When the sun is out
The love runs through my veins
Filling me with light in my heart
For it preserves the love
When clouds come out
It is still within me
Shining bright
Just looking within

As beautiful as a sunset
Shining in the evening sky
Blends of bright color
Totally unique and wonderful
Gleaming over everything
That it can see
Showing the inner beauty

Imperfect yes but beautiful
Gazing into her eyes of love
Shows that love is possible
Something I never dreamed could happen
Once broken now being healed
It is a new beginning
Grateful as can be

Learning to trust and believe
That there is hope in me
That I am not a disgrace
Or a waste of life
That every moment is worth it
She taught me this you see
I am so grateful to thee

My love for her shines bright
Bright as can be and gleaming
I don't always know why
How can this be?
I got something
Something I thought that never existed
But it did
I hope it stays

It just came to me
This is life
This is how it is meant to be lived
Yes their are rocks and bricks thrown
But you build upon them
Climb them as they come
Building something strong and beautiful
I finally have a sense of this

I feel free
Free to love her
Free to be me
Not living in fear anymore
It may be hard at times
But nothing worth doing
Is rarely easy

It is learning to dance in the rain
Love the moment
And live for the next
Something I am still learning
But leaps and gains
Have gotten me closer
Only because of you

Loving you so much
Beautiful inside and out
Bring me happiness and joy
you are strong and courageous
You have overcome so much
With life still a journey
One that we both can be on

Strong as one
Together stronger
We have the ability
To accomplish whatever
Whatever our heart desires
Faith, hope, love, determination

Definition

For a long while now close to 10 or 11 months I have been very solid in recovery. I have had to work years to get where I am so Ed and my struggles have always been apart of me even when I separated. I separated myself first from Ed that was easier said then done. I was always blaming myself for Ed and making it all me that was the problem. But the truth is separating from Ed makes recovery a hell of a lot easier. I found out that really I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this and I had to change my relationship with Ed. Again easier said than done but I did it. Ed now pops up here in there but it is few and far between. Ed doesn't really have control anymore, well not over food at least but he can still manage to try to bully me. I talk back and win usually (may take a while).

Then I began defining myself by the struggles I have had and though I was/am experiencing a lot of freedom from Ed and finding out who I am without Ed I haven't really thought about it in a while. I am still figuring out how to life this new beginning. this new life of freedom is something I never dreamed would actually happen. I all of a sudden have so much time instead of appointments and therapy etc I now have those hours and days to myself. It has been kind of a challenge to actually get out and not isolate and do things. I have had to learn to trust myself and others. I have had to find out what I want to do and just do it. I am still learning what to do and how to live this life.

One thing that has really helped me is I have participated in Thom Rutledge's and Jules Merryman's Beyond Eating Disorder workshops. I have really gotten a lot out of those. Mostly a good reminder on how to stay separate and even more finding and healing my inner child. Cumberland Furnace, the place it is held, is now my safe place. I really love that workshop and been wanting to go back but at the same time I feel like I should try and trust myself and see what I can do. As much as I LOVE seeing everyone there and meeting even more people I have decided not to go to the next one in an effort to reconnect and first of all find what the hell I need to work on now. I feel I am in a very awesome place and finally away from Ed but now I am having to find me and define me. I have had so much turmoil lately inside of my head with this decision and was emailing some people for support on what to do even. Thom last night gave me a really good reply in that I need to define myself and find out who I am and what I need to do next. What is my comfort zone and how do I push out of it. Right now I don't really know but it inspired this blog post.

I know freedom is possible and that I am strong and have accomplished so much. I know I also have a lot more to accomplish and many opportunities in my life are still to come. I know that I am caring and love to help others, often I rather help others than myself. I have had to learn to balance that and take care of myself first cause that is more important. I know I am dedicated in all that I do and especially to recovery. I also know that if I start to struggle I have to ask for help and I have a plan in place even. I know I love to dance, color, act, and run (of course healthy). I know I have a beautiful personality and am beautiful, but I still have those days where I want to hide. I know that I am imperfect and that perfection doesn't exist. I know I am not "recovered (period)" but I know I am close and will get there. I know I am not completely independent either. I love to be outdoors and try new things. But I am also still learning how to trust. I am in no way always doing well, but I also have done very well. I know and believe that anyone can recover, but occasionally I doubt my potential. I sometimes don't know what to do with myself or my life and lose hope but then I know I am usually thinking in black and white and need to find the gray area. I know I have to be flexible and change but sometimes it is the thing I rather not do and get scared. I know sometimes I am fearful but I know I can also ask for help and overcome it. I guess I am Devyn and do know who I am. I know I need to look into my heart a little more, trust that and my gut. I know I still got to reach out and get out there. I know isolation just is bad period.

SO maybe I can define myself but it is just complicated but I think I am alright with that as long as I keep practicing and moving forward. A few bumps are bound to happen but life is a journey right? Recovery is hard sometimes but is possible and worth it. Freedom is possible.

Amazed at myself!

Freedom
Today is a day I thought that would never come. It came sooner than I could ever imagine. It took a lot of trust in my treatment team, friends, family and other support to help me to believe that as of today I am officially done with therapy. I have felt really strong and been really strong recovery wise for many months now and Ed hasn't been much of a problem at all. It's been more the whole self-confidence thing that can still get at me a little bit....but that is perfectly fine. I don't always have to like myself but I do love who I am. I don't always have to be strong or be able to handle things on my own, but I do have to ask for support and reach out to friends and family when I need to. I don't and will not always have good days but I have many. I have been thinking about all that I have had to do to get where I am today all the visits, sessions, meal plans and most importantly breaking ED's RULES! Those may have been hard and at times I even doubted whether I could do it, deserved it or should even bother but I am SOOOOO GLAD THAT I DID!!!!!! All the work you have to do is SO WORTH it. I am not to the point where I can completely say this is the end...but I can say that I am where I need to be to continue to succeed in this journey. Recovery is a journey and one thing I learned, especially through the past two retreats, is that Ed will always be around but he won't have the power or control. Honestly, Ed doesn't really have much control ever....the bully a little, ms. p tiny bit....but Ed not so much. I find the things that I have to overcome are just "normal" daily stressors and situations. The thing is I can overcome anything that life throws my way and hell Ed well he's near but not controlling. Freedom is soo possible. Trusting others, believing in yourself and trusting yourself is sooo possible. I believe everyone deserves recovery AND can succeed in recovery and life. It is possible. You can do anything if you put your heart to it and really work hard on it. It takes time but all the little steps add up and it all happens when it happens. I fully accept where I am in my life and I am so amazed and proud of myself for it. I just got to keep doing what I am doing. I got this! We all can do this! MC has helped me soo much especially all the relationships and support I have built. It is truly amazing. Freedom is possible. "Ed takes, recovery gives." Cheryl

Stress

S-t-r-e-s-s. This is the word of my life right now. It is attempting to take over my life and it is a fight not to let it control me. It is a fight to make myself breathe and take breaks. But it is a fight I am winning and will win. Yes, stress is a part of life but handling it can also become overwhelming at times. The past few weeks i have had to deal with a lot of stress which is trying to overcome the freedom I have worked years to gain. I'm not letting go of my freedom to be me, freedom to do what I want. Even though I can and deserve way more freedom and I can still be yelled at by ed for continuing to disobey him and that can still be hard at times, I don't give in. I don't need him and I know that. I won't ever give in again. I haven't in so long. I know that if I do, I would fall down fast and it would be even harder than last time to get back up. I understand i may fall again but I have the tools and support to get back up if I have to.

But I can't worry about that right now. i don't really need to. It is in a box and can be easily opened up if need be. I think that these past few weeks have been a series of tests by God and the Universe. It is a series to see what I will do with it and they have made me stronger. I have had to rely on asking for help and support. Reaching out is still tough, cause I like to be able to be independant, but I also know I can not do this alone. So i trust myself to ask for support and I get it. I talked to my parents, Kelsey (who is probably one of my biggest supports), and some really close friends and people i love. It has been really awesome too. I remember a time when I was ashamed like no other to ask for help. I remember a time when I couldn't do it at all. Acknowledging that has so much impact. it gives me insight to how far i have come and it helps me know I am nearing the end of this battle. I'm close to winning, I think and so does my tx team, that there is no back down now. I will do this. i am doing this. Today there is no try in my vocabulary because for me try is a very bad word.

A little thing that helps me to keep try out is a thing I did with my DBT therapist Andrea when I was in treatment. On the first day I kept saying I will try to do this..etc. She said, "Try to get off of my couch." So naturally I stood right up. She said "Try to get off my couch again. You just got off of my couch. That wasn't trying. You either do it or you don't." That hit me and helps me so much to day. I know that this stress has tested me but I know that this is has been hard on me emotionally and physically. But I also know myself and that i need to take care of myself. Self-care and self-soothing stuff has really helped me and so has DBT. i am so thankful for DBT. DBT saves. it really does. I don't know how I would be alive and surviving life without DBT, those around me that love and care about me and those who help me.

Is this starting anew?

Is this the end or is this where it begins? is it now or forever away? what do i do? what do I say? just feeling like life keeps breaking away. but is it starting anew, I do not know what to do. I feel like things are breaking down but at the same time I feel things are finally getting back together and whole. I find sometimes that I have complete freedom to be me but then I wonder who I am. My emotions are present then they disappear. It doesn't seem to matter whether I fight or not. They come as they go, whether or not I am ready for them. They help me stay strong and keep fighting but they tear me apart too. I don't like this or my mind one bit.

It is scary inside at times and I am surrounded by much fear lately that I don't know what to do or even what is happening. I feel as if sometimes I am just walking through life on autopilot. I don't have to think, I just do. I never used to do, I would only try. What has that gotten me? Lost? yeah that is a feeling a lot lately. Lost in life, myself, my mind? I don't know. I am lost but in many ways I feel found. my heart has been found and rescued by her. She has saved it and me. I used to think if I lost her I could move on but now I know I can't. I don't ever give up for anything i do know that. I don't quit and I will never surrender this battle. I deserve life. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be able to move on even when I slip up and not beat myself to death over it. Mistakes happen right? bad choices happen...but start anew? I feel so confused. What do i want? I want so much in my life. I want freedom and to be me. Has not working done this to me? Am I THAT OCD? I don't know what to think of me anymore.

It is soo much easier to focus on others. it really helps keep me going. It really keeps me moving and alive. It keeps me as close to present and in the moment as I can get. I am so lost and I feel so alone. I know I am not but I feel so. I can't even open up and communicate my true needs, only surface stuff. I can only scrape the top of me why I'm dying inside. but dying to live or dying to keep fighting or to be loved by myself? I don't want it to be this way. I really don't. I am doing my best, well what I can do. But I feel that isn't enough even. Am I good enough? I seem to have a lot of questiosn racing through my mind and my veins. I feel so cold inside mentally. I feel like it is lifeless. Not open or surrounded but surrounded by what? I don't know anymore. I guess I am loved I do know that much by many, I hope... I think... I am pretty sure... But what did I do to deserve this? I feel like i have done nothing to deserve what my life is right now...good and bad. I feel as if sometimes I am a waste of life although I know that is not true.

I know that in my soul i do have purpose and I will fill that purpose. i just want to know when. I am not patient. i can be with others to some extent. She has helped me with that a lot. She has helped me be able to be me and to feel accepted for once. But are they right? i don't know. Should I even care? Should I care about what others think about me. I know I know, "what others think of me is none of my business." but fuck I like to know. I thrive to know and to be accepted cause I feel i never was growing up not by anyone. I just feel like crying all the time. But I can't. I can't do it...I have to be strong. Strong for me, her, us....my family, my friends, and those who help me. But balance...grey area?

I know it is there; it is possible but shall I dare. Try to find it again? why is it such a constant battle? That and consistency? what do I do? I can't change what I am doing? I don't want to fall apart or us too? i doubt we will. we have been through so much in a short amount of time. I can't imagine my life without her. I can't live without her. I am not meaning being dependent or anything either or even for the love but I just feel this connection. It's indescribable. I can't explain it in words. It's amazing. I know that for sure. Is that all I know? Is that all that is keeping me going?

I just got an apartment with her and college is starting soon. I am stoked! I am almost halfway done with my undergrad. then grad? Oh shit! that scares me. It means I gotta clean up my mind and me. I have to have it together in order to get through grad school especially in psychology! Others can't know. I don't want my professors to know really. Even at Westminster.... It was hard enough to hide things this year. I am not going to make it so I have to next year. I am not. I have decided that much.

AS I write my mind is somewhat clearer but racing with all these questions...is the end nearer? Is this where it begins? What do I say? What do I do? Is this starting anew?

SLC Eating Disorder Examiner

A few days ago I was having a really hard time and was overwhelmed by my stress and everything that has been going on in my life, mostly out of my control too. nonetheless Ed tried to butt in but I took a few breaths and was not going to give in. I said, "No I want my freedom still and I make my own choices." He backed off quickly. I am still surprised by how much and how long I have kept this complete freedom. For sure gonna keep going forward to and my choices lately have even encouraged and helped with that. But that day I found out that I was chosen as the Salt Lake City Eating Disorder Examiner for Examiner.com, which is an online news center which is up and coming. I got my dream job and get to share my wisdom, passion, knowledge, and promote activism here in my own home, state, city, and even further perhaps. I am so excited. It is a dream come true. It will help me too in my recovery. I'm going strong. Love you all. My articles will be here http://www.examiner.com/x-59478-Salt-Lake-City-Eating-Disorder-Examiner subscribe to it too please and thanks.

Beautifully Imperfect Me!

Full of twists and turns, good and bad this journey is called life. this journey is about finding my true self, reaching my hope, goals and dreams, and recovery from Ed and my past. Walls and cliffs come up but I have the strength to tear them down. I have the strength to jump and climb and fight my way to the top! To the freedom to be COMPLETELY ME!!!! I have had many trials thrown at me the past few weeks with drama, financial issues, stress, work I could go on and on but focusing on the positives and using my tools has pulled me through! I can ask for support and help without feeling too guilty or filled with shame. I am NOT perfect nor will I ever be. Perfection doesn't exist but recovery and freedom does! I am reaping in the rewards that dedication, time, commitment, honesty, faith, hope, and wisdom bring not in just my recovery but in life. I am going beyond the negatives I have dealt with in life. But yet everything I have gone through and made me stronger.

I have survived another year in life also! I am 19 now and to me that still is huge cause a few years ago I never had intentions to make it to 18 even. It has also been 2 years since I was last in tx. I have changed sooo much. I can finally see the sun shining in MY eyes and not just trusting in others who see it in me. I am truly a changed girl. I am truly finding the Devyn I was put on this Earth to be. The one that this Universe and this World put in for me. I am on this journey, good and bad it would not be my life without both. There is a good in everything. Yes, I still have fear. But hell with that I do it anyways. I embrace my fear, hold Ed close so he can't control me anymore.

I am finally happy my Tx and appointments are less now. I am done with my dietitian now. I am finally stabilized on my meds( took two years!) I am finally happy and healthy and safe. I am in CONTROL. I am just getting geared up for my sophomore year at Westminster and I just got an apartment too with my fiance! I have good relationships with my parents and friends. I have healthy ones now. I see the difference and so do others. I know that I have changed.

Change is possible. Freedom is possible. I know now that complete recovery is possible for ME and anyone. There has been no doubt in my mind now since March 13. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I love myself (I don't always like myself still but oh well). I know I have choice. I know I have power and a safety net with friends and family who love, care and just want what is best with me. I am strong and brave even when I don't always feel it, I look back to my past and the accomplishments and then I can. I am glad my life is finally staying where I want it and being stable but with more good adventure, good times, healthy friends, and overall ME! I am me. I am beautifully imperfect. I am a butterfly flying through my life and my journey experiencing the freedom I have!

I am me now

Running to my mind and finding my soul
Has been anything but an easy battle
But one that i would never live without
I may not always have blue skies and sunshine
But I have myself now and it is free

It is still a journey with ups and downs
But happy I still have my support
I am glad I actually have control
Not the false one once given before
Not now, not ever again will I give in

I have this love and overwhelming sense of joy
Freedom to be who I want to be and how I live
Grateful for my past but I have moved on now
Thanks to those who have supported to me
Helped me though this rocky journey

It is finally level for the most part
I have never felt so great
Even though I still struggle at times
I know this is my life
I am shining bright in my own light

Living life to its fullest
Not encapsulated anymore
By him or anyone one else
I am me; perfection nonexistant
I am standing up still

My inner child is loved
It is at home now
Calmed by my love
Back to being herself
Getting stronger and healing

I am holding onto this light
It is as bright as can be
I am winning this fight
Others finally see me
I thank those who love me

For though i tell my past self
and look to where I have come from
I am a butterfly beautiful as can be
Flying towards the sunlight
Free as can be

Living Life

So I haven't written a blog in a while and so it's late at night but not tired so might as well write. So lately since school got out at the end of May I have been busy working, spending time with my fiance, and trying to make time for fun and relaxing things as well. I am so grateful to have accomplished my first year in college well and having the summer of my life. I haven't even been on chats or much on here in almost a month but still post...but it is cause I am finally LIVING MY LIFE!!!

I am finally now just appreciating how great life is, how fantastic I have been doing since the retreat in March (even though I still have rough days occasionally), and how even though I am not in a constant battle fighting, or constantly having to change things with my treatment team that I still have to keep my guard up just in case and i still have to work on things. I still know that this is a journey. I still have to remind myself to keep doing what i need to no matter what. I am still working on self-esteem and some other issues but for the most part I am doing well. I am beginning to realize that the freedom that started to show glimpses a few months ago and i thought was here hopefully to stay, well it is still here and keeps growing. it is to the point I am so busy with work, hanging out with friends, my fiance, and family that I almost need to slow down a little more. I still am taking care of myself but you can never have too much self-care lol.

I love that I am able to talk back to Ed on a dime. I love how I can be around family and friends and be open, honest and communicate and trust them. I am so proud that I have even made it this far cause originally I NEVER thought it was possible. I thought "every one can do it but me. I am too weak", well um I am not that special. No one is. I believe recovery is possible for everyone. It is hard work and can be a pain in the butt, as it sometimes still is for me but it is soooooo much better than any so called "life" with Ed. Ed is a LIAR. He doesn't know what is good for me or anyone for that matter. I actually like my treatment team now cause I am not fighting them, I am working with them and they even listen to me now. Weird huh? lol. If I listen, they seem to listen to me too. I like it this way. I have also been able to deal with things on my own. I can handle the tough emotions/ thoughts without even thinking about doing any behaviors or coming close. I will NEVER go back to that. As I write that I think that a few years ago that was not even possible to consider or even how at the beginning of this year I second guessed it. Well I did it. I have accomplished a lot but only with a lot of hard work, patience, time, dedication and standing back up after falling down many times.

I even think that falling is down is possible as neither life nor me are perfect and mistakes happen but that is why i already have a plan and i know i would always be right back up. I can ask for support. I bounce back fast but this wasn't always this way. I remember the days of my past struggles. another thing that is a great reminder to me now is that i got a tattoo with my fiance last Saturday. it was my first recovery tattoo is how i define it. it is a butterfly. to me the butterfly now permanently on my wrist serves as a reminder of how life is a journey and how much i have changed. it also reminds me of the freedom i fought for and not willing to lose. butterflies are free and beautiful just like me. I am change and I am living my journey, not Eds.

Things..things and more things.

So a friend, who's blog I love and continuously read did a post on things and I felt it was just so wicked awesome that I needed to continue. Thanks Andrea! http://liveyourideallife.blogspot.com


Things I don’t know yet (except, of course, when I do)
What my classes will be like in the fall.
What grad school will I attend
What exactly do I want to do with a PhD in psych anyways (well kinda but not completely)
future family???and when??? (hopefully not til after grad school lol. I'm young)


Things I'm learning
How to breathe more
Accepting the unknown
How lucky I am to be alive and experiencing freedom
How to experience freedom without Ed
What to do with my life
The love I have working with kids

Things I'm wishing for
June or July 29th lol both are good beginnings of river trip and the latter a retreat
Cross Country season to start
Being able to travel more
Seeing a few friends this summer and fitting them into my busy schedule

Things that are getting on my nerves
Toddlers that bite a lot at my work (still love them though)
Drama
Lack of time in the day
Not being able to do as much as I would like to do for ME!
Rain

Things that scare me
Spiders
Snakes
Not knowing where my phone is (yes..I am that attached to it)

Things that are making me happy
My relationships with friends and family
Continuously experiencing freedom from Ed and enjoying life
Being out of classes for a few months
Working with kids again
Being in good health
Sunshine :)

All in all good. Needs to get back to blogging more often. Busy life lol but wouldn't have it any other way.

Being a kid again

Today was the first official day at my new job. I am working with kids that have behavioral and emotional issues in a preschool. I love working with kids and it is what I want to do eventually when I am out of college. It was really awesome today cause I was in a whole new situation and I wasn't freaking out unless you count being so excited and "at home" with the kids. I am a lead in the two year old room and the looks on their faces just living in the moment and learning was amazing and serene. It was so much fun playing with them today, getting to know them and their schedule. When I first walked into the classroom not all of the kids were jumping out of joy and just leaping into faith to trust me, while a few were very reserved and scared while others we just filled with trust for me. The amazing thing is that by the end of the day all of the children were beginning to trust me and respect me. They were learning I won't let them walk all over me or act out and get away with it. Of course children are fragile, young and learning but that is what I love about them I was able to positively redirect them and try to help them understand.

When I was doing this today it was awesome. It also reminded me of my "inner child." It reminded me of how i should embrace mine and love her as I do now. That itself is huge cause even thinking a few months back, I didn't trust my inner child. I didn't want anything to do with her as I feared I had failed and she was too messed up for any hope. I was wrong and I am glad I was wrong. She was wounded and needed to be healed maybe and learn how to trust again but never too far gone. I now feel a deep connection with her and it only helps me I think. I didn't really think about it until today when I was playing with the kids and all and stoked that this is what I get to do at least all summer. It was heart warming to know that I have changed my perspective on my "inner child." So another aspect I know that has changed. Still I know if I struggle I have her plus all my supports. It is an amazing feeling but glad I am still doing well, grateful for my past and to be where I am and even just to be alive and in the moment. I love who I am becoming.

Why can't people just accept love is love?

My mind is spinning around in circles. It has lost control. My heart knows that loving her is the right thing and I do. That won't change and I don't regret anything I just wished it wasn't this way. It is scary. It is uncomfortable but I know being uncomfortable is good. I know that I can work through all this, my feelings and my little doubts. It's just I want things to be easier and not always fighting against me. Why can't people just accept it doesn't matter who you love, whether it is a opposite sex or not. Love is love. It shouldn't have to be explained, hidden or threatened. It should be peaceful. I love her. I will always love her. It's just I want the best for her and to have to not hide it from her parents (mostly her mom) and her family out of fear. It is part of why the LDS religion frustrates me. Not the people I have nothing against them and not judgmental just I wish people could at least be respectful and act like adults. I know that is somewhat a generalization but I am frustrated. Ugh...fuck.

I just want to love her and to be at least respected by her family. They don't have to like us or anything, and I don't expect them to, but they shouldn't try to separate us. Sexual orientation is NOT a choice. It is like saying you have the CHOICE to be a heterosexual. It is not something that should be ignored or attempted to change. It is part of my identity and any ones. You can't just tell your body to not feel this way, that your heart is wrong and it must be changed. I did that for so long and I can't do it anymore and I haven't and have learned. I have found more of me in this process and it is amazing. She and I are meant to be in each others life. I don't know about the future but I do know about now. nothing has ever felt so right. It is going to work out. It will be ok. I just have to live in the moment, be mindful, focus on the positives, use my support, and keep Ed out like I have. I can do this. It has almost been 3 1/2 months since I have really kept Ed out. It has been that long since the turning point in my recovery and it isn't always easy still but I am still learning and not letting my guard down. I am still doing well and living in the freedom. I can do this. It is going to be ok. Believe to achieve. I believe I can achieve.
<3 Dev
Anyone have ideas or insights? I'm so stuck.

Keeping it up and continuing to grow

Everything has been falling in place for me in ways I have never dreamed this spring. It is indescribable in many ways but I do know a few things: I am feeling so free to discover the true me and have been finding out what I really like to do, my passion is for life. I have the passion for art and my music like never before. I am trusting others and taking risks without being so timid and afraid. Granted I still have fear but I don't let it get to me like I have in the past. I feel like now is the best time I have had in my life. I haven't had to wear a mask or wanted to. I have been able to be completely honest with my treatment team and have continuously been working with them on goals and abiding by the contract I have in place with them. I love that I am not as scared of them or appointments but know they have the best interest in mind for me, they really care, and they love that I am changing. Granted sometimes I also feel, I am doing so well, so great so why keep this up. Well I have come up with a few reasons.

* If I let my guard down now, like in the past, Ed will sneak back in and take control so I need their support but perhaps in different ways, which I will explore with them
* I am doing well, nourishing my body and giving it what it needs-they help hold me accountable for that
* I am honest about everything I have to deal with good and bad, so I have support to deal with those problems
* I have my friends who are there for me and understand what recovery is like when I struggle- I am not getting rid or isolating myself from them-that would be a big mistake-definitely why I love MC
* My other friends and I have rebuilt our relationships and expanded them- I truly believe that this is due to my commitment and consistency in recovery I have gained through hard work
* I have had the confidence and self-esteem to go out and make new friends and enjoy and discover new passions-especially I have been discovering who I am, my music and my art
* I love myself and my life-yes it is a journey- I know it will not be all good. I am prepared for the bad- I have my safety net which includes my support, my friends, my treatment team, and MC. There will be downs, I sure cause life is not perfect-nothing is perfect. Perfection doesn't exist. Things happen-if I fall down I will be able to stand up again but without support that may not happen. I need them

So I am going to keep all my support, keep all the good things going in my life, keep working with my treatment team, taking meds, and following what my treatment team and I have decided I need to continue in life. Things may change and I have changed but that doesn't mean I just shove all of them away and think I am out of the woods. Yes I am experiencing a lot of freedom but I still need them. I am now thinking clearly of what I need to do in my life. I can use my friends as well. I just gotta keep moving forward and keep growing. I will keep growing on this journey.

Everything Works Out

So today was a really hard day. I had almost anything possible go wrong and it added up to where I finally had a meltdown, composed myself and then it happened again. It happen 3 times tonight but with each meltdown I learned so much. Not only about myself but the situations(s). There were many today. It is too flippin late and I am way mentally exhausted and physically so this is going to be short. I plan to write a blog tomorrow. So anyways,Not everything is ever all bad. I needed something to do constructively with my mind so I made this. It showed me the past two years I have been blessed with so much. Recovery has given me so much and will propel me further in life. Tonight I am so grateful for the love, strength, and support I have from my family, especially my parents, friends, and by all those in my life. Many have always had my back and will continue. Others are newer in my life and their support is amazing and will continue. Thanks to all of you I am still alive and surviving this hectic, crazy, painful, annoying, chaotic, messy, loving, enduring, spontaneous life journey filled with many choices from past, present, and future. I love you.

some pics

These are some pics that were taken at Westminster Voices where I made a movie and did a dance. I have a copy of the movie with me dancing but haven't figured a way to edit the whole thing so until then here is the movie with the song to Kenny Rogers' When you put your heart in it.

A guest post I did on perfectionism

I did this post for Voice In Recovery. Check it out!
http://voiceinrecovery.wordpress.com/2010/04/26/eating-disorder-perfectionism-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-chaos-but-it-doesn%E2%80%99t-always-have-to-be-that-way/

What I am. What I am not.

I am a fighter. I am a wall of stone.
Nothing in this world can bring me down.
I am a daughter, a life long learner
Whose heart laughs and sings
With hope and joy I love to bring

I'm not a liar or crushed to bits
I'm not surrounded by hate or evil.
I'm not trapped by the "sick" me anymore
I'm not one to make excuses

I am a lover. I have my faith.
Nothing can stand in my way
I have support in endless waves
I am a friend, and care for others
With hopes to change lives to come

I'm not defined by others
Not a classification of a person
I am not that special
To not be able to overcome all this
I'm not one to take "no" for an answer

I am a girl who strives in life
I strive to be free
With the freedom to be me
Freedom in my life
With this journey

I am not wounded. I am not a victim.
I am not broken or shattered
I am not wearing a mask or hidden behind a facade
To not be able to face my fears
Is only a part of my past and not now
I don't let others decide my life for me

I am a girl who understands herself
And what i don't understand
I don't worry about
I live in the moment. I make choices
I take action on those choices.
So ultimately I can just be happy
I can just be me!

still thinking...

I am still thinking a lot about, why do I still feel so happy, free, and content with who I am? Maybe it is because I am not taking breaks, making excuses, or hiding anything anymore. I am being ME! I am showing my passion for life every breath I take and every experience I have. I have continued to let go of the perfectionism. I am letting go my anxiety about life, and being present in the moment. It may be hard at times but nothing could make me want to go back to a life of hatred of myself and others, my life, the world (yes..the world), isolation, self-harm etc. NOTHING CAN OR WILL STOP ME FROM ENJOYING MY LIFE. I have really loved the relationships I am developing with my friends. I really feel (and know) I am opening up and trusting others. I trust myself to do anything I set my mind to. I know I am going to beat anything life throws at me. I have faith. It also was a big deal that last night I was completely open to my parents about how I am bisexual.

For a long time that is something I had to hide and I think that was one part of why it was so hard for me to open up to them and communicate to them. Well my parents, ROCK they didn't care and had an idea already. Gee I can't get away with anything even if I don't tell them. I think this semester's finals will be a lot less hell than last semester. I am taking care of myself. I won't be pulling 72 hours straight of studying and not eating or taking any breaks. I will continue to keep being intuitive to what my body needs and taking time just for me to journal, blog, etc just to get my mind off of school. I am going to sleep and cut off studying at 11 PM just like I am doing now. It also helps that my work at the ski resort ended today and I don't start my new job until after finals probably. But right now all I am thinking about is how far I have come, how far I have changed and what I need to continue in order to feel this way about my life. I am being me and that is all that matters.

Walking towards freedom!

Life really is a journey with ups and downs. I forgot got the down part last night. I forgot on how I have always been able to bounce back fast. I forgot about all that led up to it were my Choices and though not great they served a purpose. It showed me all that I did not want to go back to. I am glad last night I reached out to my friends and my parents. I am so glad I used the DBT skills I learned in treatment. I am so glad I was able to be honest with myself and not put up a mask or facade. I am so proud of myself I trusted myself to ask others, besides my parents for once, for support. I got it. It wasn't hard once I actually did it. It felt freeing. It really made it clear that I can do this. Just a rough day nothing more nothing less. I handled it as best I could. I didn't cope in unhealthy ways. I listened to music, journaled, I took a hot shower, I made it a new day. Right then, right there I started over. Today the sun is shining outside but I can also say the fire inside my heart glowing for life is strong again.

I feel I can still live a healthy, happy and productive life. I still define my life and I exhibit control. I make choices, ask for help and don't make excuses. I have given up aiming for perfectionism for just doing my best. I am me. This journey is hard at times granted I will say that but a little bump happened. It could have been made into a bigger one by actions I could have taken or didn't take at all but I took the right ones. I did what I needed to do for me. I am strong. I am not alone and this all is still getting better. I took another step forward last night even though it didn't feel great at all and I cried. Today I will not say I am ecstatic about life but I can honestly say I am doing pretty darn good. It was unknown, hard, imperfect and uncomfortable and amazing all at once. I overcame a wall and am still standing. I am closer to finding freedom and me even more than a day ago. RECOVERY is HARD but I can say with even more conviction that it is WORTH IT. I feel even more freedom today! Recovery gives freedom but ya gotta do the hard work.

will this ever end?

so been doing really well lately then today I was just not feeling so great emotionally or physically. I was "on edge" all day and managed during work thanks to kids i love but on the home I called my mom and we were talking and I just began to cry. It isn't even something big and nothing that can't be resolved. It just really got me thinking a lot about how I have felt so good with my life and they way I have been handling things then today I felt kinda sad and depressed. I was tired all day (that's normal sadly) too. I am grateful that i can feel these feelings and make it through but it is weird cause I feel confused again about why I am like this. this is definitely something i will bring up in my next appointment because it obviously is an issue I need to work on. I still know and trust that I can have freedom and recover from it all. I know this is just another wall I have to climb over. I can and will do it but it just kinda sucks right now. I had intentions of after work to go run or something constructive maybe even see a friend but didn't. I have not done that. I have isolated. I know what to do but tonight I feel I have taken a step back and have not made the choices I should have including eating dinner. It is something I can change for tomorrow but I feel lost right now. I want and need to eat now but now I am so tired and just want to relax and sleep. I know I am playing more into the "sick" role tonight and I don't like it but I don't seem to be able to change it right now, tonight. I just feel defeated. I don't know what to do, I really don't.

Time all alone

Ok So i am constantly busy during the week and when I have work (like today) I am usually busy afterwards in one way or another. In the past if I don't have something that needs to be done or unstructured time then I usually isolate and that leads downhill. Well even with roommates there are times when I am the only one here. We all have our own busy lives and so yea. Well tonight and I known most of the weekend probably I will have lots of time alone. But just because I am alone doesn't mean I have to be sad or depressed, or that things will get worse and I will fall into a vicious cycle. Tonight I have been alone I got home from a very stressful day at work and it has still been a really good day. Hell self-care isn't scary it is wicked and as far as quiet time goes....this is empowering and a good time for reflection and relaxation without guilt or judgments.

This alone time is what I am taking as all the time I missed or "forgot" the self-care aspect of life. So I called a friend who is amazing. We talked for a couple of hours and she helps me sooo much. It is a very mutual thing we help each other. I am also getting ready to read and journal for a while and then just relax and get to sleep hopefully by midnight. I just am just not sleep nearly as I would like. SO I am doing my best and making the choices I can make. I have still been doing pretty fantastic overall...wait lets get the "pretty" out. I have been doing fantastic and it feels great. I have so much freedom within myself. I feel so at peace.I am working really hard on trusting others and myself. i have been. I am gaining back some relationships I had lost, some I still have and some I am experiencing all for the first time.

I feel I am on the home stretch of it all. I feel this is my last lap. It may be a long lap but I am going to just experience it as it comes. I love who I am and who I am becoming even more. I am loving the way my journey in life is developing and I feel so empowered lately. This time tonight has just given me the challenge to prove to myself that I can have time all alone and be content and at peace. My mind is calm and there is one voice and that voice is MINE! I am feeling really good even when crap happens I don't let it ruin my day. i stay positive, feel the feelings, notice the positives, and make the best choices I can make and put the choices in action! I am ME! I and perfectly fine with just being ME! I am beautifully imperfect!

Freedom is appearing!

So the past couple weeks have been AMAZING! Really ever since I went to the retreat about a month ago it has been probably one of the hardest months in my life but it has also been on of the greatest! I am finding the real me. I am finding out I can trust others and that I can also trust myself with anything. I am rediscovering parts of myself I repressed, ignored, or have never found in the first place. I am very open-minded,loving, caring, and strong. I can tackle anything I put my mind to. There is no more trying anything and hoping I can do it. I can do it. I make the right choices most of the time but even when I don't, I do my best and am positive about it. I am also a constant life-learner. I am not even talking just about my classes at college but just about life in general.

A very special person once told me that recovery is a journey and so is life. I believe that it is and that concept of journey has changed my thought processes, my outlook on life and the perspectives I have. With all of the self-love and confidence that I have gained even in only this past month I feel a good amount of freedom. It is almost indescribable. It is beautiful and warm. It is enlightening and is just beautiful to feel free and to be able love who I am. I knew I got a bunch out of the retreat but now applying all of that and working through Cheryl's book Telling Ed No that just came out I feel I am seeing more freedom each and every choice I make. I love it.

It is also amazing that I have been do so great in recovery. I have been working with my treatment team and been completely honest with them. I have been succeeding on my goals and contracts that I have had in place and requiring less restriction and control. I am now off a meal plan and have been moved into complete intuitive eating principles and just having to log it which for me is huge! I have been on some sort of meal plan ever since I first was diagnosed and entered treatment when I was 9. I have also gained back their trust and respect to be healthy and consistent enough to exercise some again. I am stoked about this because it is just proof that I have gotten further in recovery and have been doing great. My parents and treatment team have said about the past year despite struggles I have immensely improved and changed. Change is good. It reminds me of butterflies and how butterflies start as a caterpillar then change into a beautiful, magnificent, and free creature.

I love who I am and will become. It may still be hard at times but coming from a girl who was in complete denial, didn't think that I could recover, and that it was impossible and a waste of time, I know those were all lies ED told me. I am Devyn. I define my life! Not anyone else but me! <3

Life truly is amazing!

So I have been having to fight a lot lately to recover and to keep pushing through everything that i need to push through in therapy, school, work, family, friends etc. Well I have also been amazing at doing that (I would typically never say amazing about hard work and stress) but I have also felt amazing about my life, myself and how my mood has been.

So l am a Senator at my college and we had our annual gala last night. Up until the second I left last night I had mix feelings about it. i was definitely excited but I was also nervous not only because I was with a lot of people from my college in student government, various professors, and a couple deans but also because I almost made the point. in a way, not to get close to too many this year and just dealt with the basics and what I had to do. I let eh complete honor and leadership of my position which there are only 40 Senators in my college of 4,000 and that in social science cluster (my cluster since I am a psych major) there are only 4 seats and Social Science is a big thing at my school. So I am very privileged to be a part of it again next year as I got re-elected a few weeks ago. I have also been so stoked about last night. I got an award last night there and I also handled the dinner with everyone there very well. First of all I wasn't even thinking about the food and neither did Ed until I already ate my main course and most of desert and this was over a few hour time span too. It was the first time since I was 9 (when all this began intensely) that Ed wasn't there and neither was I judging myself or what I was doing. I really was loving the experience. I feel like i really am an adult and have really been becoming engaged in my community at college, my future career in psychology after college and just life. I had soo much fun and it really also brought into perspective on how much I have really grown and changed over the past few years for sure and even the past year. I am not even 19 til July and I feel that aspects in my life have changed so much and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Secondly, today is my one year of being out of treatment. It is also a huge thing for me because the longest I have been out of treatment of some sort in almost the past 10 years has been 7 months. Granted I still see my therapist bi-weekly and my dietitian bi-weekly but those are my choice and I consider them upkeep at this point and to keep going further. I am so stoked about it. It was even better that last night I didn't realize it was til it popped up in my calendar this morning and my old T at my old treatment center texted me and told me. So i felt it weird at first. it feels in many ways it wasn't too long ago but in others it feels like a lifetime. But time wise it really wasn't. I didn't even graduate from high school until June 2009. But I feel so proud of myself that things have really been going great even though it is hard at times. But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way. Everything i have gone through in my life good and bad has made me into the person i am today. I am smart. I am beautiful inside and out. I am wise about life. I have faith in myself and others. I believe in myself and am trusting myself and others. All of this is a work in progress. None of this is perfect but neither am I and I don't intend to be anymore. I am who i am and that is perfectly fine for me!

Oh and I also got an awesome job working at children's center for kids who have mental and behavioral problems. this is awesome cause it is what I want to do as a psychologist one day so i get to start in a few weeks and will be full-time Therapuetic Preschool Specialist (their fancy word for teacher in the class) in the summer and part-time in college semesters. It is the job I have wanted ever since I interned there so I am stoked and it will be a wicked summer especially with the retreat right before college starts up in August. Well sorry for the long blog but oh well wait I don't feel sorry it is what I needed to write and it feels good that I did. yay no I get to go post it on my actual blog site too.

Ok lol. I am done now. Love ya

Awesomeness!

So I have had a huge issue most of my life with trust, taking chances, changing plans and the unknown. Well I go to college, and live in the residential village here. So we get to pick who we want to room with and so I picked a few friends and we were going to room together. Well last night 4 of them got a house together they didn't plan on. The one girl her parents decided it was too expensive and she would live at home and commute so that left me all alone. My first thought was ok I will live off campus and get my own appt. Then Ed took the opportunity to try and convince that it was the right thing to do and would be end of the world if I didn't. So wrong. I realized that was wrong so that me with a few options, try to find someone else or a group to room with me, well I don't have a ton of friends so that is slim to none, I could go live at home too, or I could put myself in a room even though I don't know who I will end up with. Well I am going to take a risk and do that Monday when we get to sign up for rooms. I am nervous but it is what I should do. If I get my own appt. could be reasons to start isolating and falling into a relapse....not going to happen.Home- um love my family but love freedom. So that is my decision. I just thought that was really awesome! I am really trying to go along for the ride on this journey of life.

I am also taking risks with my treatment team, family and even trying to make new friends. I am trusting myself and taking the unknown full on. I never know what is going to happen next so why not just live in the moment instead of worrying all the time. It will all work out. I have faith in myself, my family and those around me. So even though I don't know what will happen I will focus on now and take the other stuff in when it actually happens! <3

Skiing

So yesterday I went skiing which is one of my favorite things in the world to do. I love it and I absolutely love it. It was my only second time this year but we have hardly had any snow. I like it because it is something I grew up doing and is just part of me. I was so excited but go nervous too. I went with my dad, as usual, and we ski mostly diamond runs. In case you don't know the system of classification green runs are circles and are for beginners. Blue squares are for intermediates. Black diamonds are for experts. So I started when I was 2 and have skied since so I am quite good. I have hurt myself over the years and did fall 3 times last time. The first was just me being a klutz and not paying attention. The second I was trying to figure skate on skis well not really but that is what my dad called it. The third one was coming down a really steep hill and hit a snow snake coming out of moguls and fell rolled about 50ft killed my arm and shoulder. But hopefully the pain will go away and nothing serious, but am stubborn to go see the doctor unless it does go away in a few days then maybe. But before that happened I was able to get an awesome video of me skiing that my dad did down a steep hill that was a diamond run and awesome pics so I hope you enjoy.

This is a project I did last week at college. I did a dance to this while it was playing and as soon as I get a copy of the performance I will upload that one too.It was really awesome but hard. I did cry and was told that others did too but also told it was needed. I felt really empowered and still do because of it.

Change is happening

So I have realized I have not posted on here in forever but I have been writing thankfully maybe that is why things have been changing but need to write on here too more since I love it. Well anyways life has been hard but good. I have really realized a lot in the past few weeks and especially the last week or so. One of my biggest problems that causes a lot more problems is isolation from friends, family and social situations however in the past week or so that hasn't been a problem. Omg is has been hard and uncomfortable especially finding new friends and then even trusting them with the basics but I am doing it and will keep working on it. It has been a journey to do it and I am sure it will not instantly get easier or stay like this but I hope it does. Also I am working on doing more things that are for me and involve what I love which includes dancing, painting, blogging, running (once I get approval again), guitar, singing, writing, and playing and doing things with my nephew. It is awesome to be able to, first of all realize I miss those and now actually try to do those. I will do them not just think about trying them because really trying doesn't get you anywhere. It is all about choice. I also have been thinking about some of my friends that I have and I include those that I don't see much but always know they will be there to have my back and to forget about those others who may hurt me again or aren't good for me so I have delted over 200 "friends" on facebook and still working on it. It is hard cause I hate that I have to do that but I need to and was kind of "homework". Those of you who need to know what that means should already know. I have really been working on listening to my heart more and relying on my faith which is hard because sometimes I ask myself, "If God loves me and has a plan for me and all this, why would he put me through all the pain I have had to deal with in my life and even to the point of where I attempted to kill myself many times and cause me so much pain?" I am still working on that one because that one is actually very hard for me to deal with because it was a huge part of my life for most of my life and have blocked it out almost completely and working on getting in back but it's hard. I know it shouldn't be this hard but for me it is and I realize it is something I need to work on and I am almost to the point where I am willing to even more. Idk I have never lost complete faith but have lost some also now I feel so horrible sometimes for things I have done. Ugh I really need to find more of a balance but that too is getting better. I am working on the whole taking care of myself vs. school vs. recovery aspect. I have also decided to go to Thom Rutledge's Beyond Eating Disorders retreat in July again and if any of you want to know more about it go to www.thomrutledge.com it is a very awesome experience and was the best treatment in 3 days that I got in 3 years. No lie. I also have realized that I can do anything if I put my mind to it and that includes working hard with my parents and my team (including friends, professional supports, and my family of course) and am even beginning to trust them a lot more. So all is good and I am excited I am going skiing tomorrow with my dad and yea. Oh and this is a video I made of part of a dance performance I did at my college last week with a dance to Kenny Rogers "When You Put Your Heart in It". I will get the video of the performance within a few weeks hoepfully and pics hopefully next week and will upload them. Yes I was crying and so was others but got a lot of positive feedback and I accomplished a lot personally by not hiding it anymore.