To me life is kinda like a balance beam cause you have to take each step with caution and care. It is like weighing the pros and cons. Each time you move you have to be not only aware of yourself but about your body. You have to think about how each move will impact each other, the consequences and the successes. as you are on the beam I think walking it is similar to the journey of life. If you fall of the beam you get back on it. If you make a mistake you learn from it. To me that isn't much different than life. the more you walk the beam the more you learn through practice. Before you know it you can do all sorts of tricks and you are having the time of your life. This analogy came into my mind today when I was looking at my old gymnastics trophies and medals. I saw a picture of me after a meet and saw the glow in my face and my eyes. I want that glow to be back again.
I think life is a teeter-totter but with the right balance you can be in the middle and not go up and down all the time. It makes me think about my life and how busy it is. What my priorities currently are and how they should be. It makes me think of re-evaluating all I do and to do my favorite pros and cons so that I live a more balanced life and find a new middle path with less extremes and the need to do everything. I don't want to feel overwhelmed again and I am trying not to do that again. Even if I do experience setbacks I am still not to where I was before cause I always learn from my mistakes. I may be stubborn and hard headed but I do learn. I am trying to do what I need to do in my life so that I am truly happy with myself and see and feel the glow and the self-love I had as a young child. I will get to that point. I am fighting for myself and my life. I am getting back every day because I am not alone. I have my friends, family and treatment team. I will succeed. It is just a matter of when. But i will be patient and focus on what i can do in the moment and not judge myself. I will make my choice to fight and I already did. I have a lot to look forward to in addition to all that I have now. I am going to be who I want to be in the inside, follow my heart and have faith. That is all I can do. I am strong and can handle all of this. I refuse to give up
xo Dev
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
what i am and am not? what life is and isn't?
So lately and today I have been thinking what is life? Who am I? Who am I not and what isn't life? After deep thought and journal and my favorite meditation I found out the answers for me. They aren't completely clear and clean cut but they are what they are now. Being mindful and in the moment and I radically accept that.
So what is life? Life is a journey with ups and downs and everywhere in between. It is full of lessons, some of which take a long lime to learn and master while some you never master. It doesn't mean you are a failure though. I think that it means that you are unique and perfectly imperfect. i am not perfect and I don't plan on trying to be. Not anymore not wasting my time. It is very complex. It can be intriguing.
Who am I? I am Devyn. I am a very smart and unique girl. I am a survivor of many challenges and outcomes and I have a ton of hope for the future. I can be stubborn at times but I eventually do what needs to be done. I am not ED or any disorder or label that has ever put on me. I am strong. I am who I am. I am beautiful and I live in the moment. I am capable of overcoming and reaching anything I set my mind to and that obviously includes Ed for me. I am very independent and unsure about my future. I do know it will be what I make of it and if I have my say, which I do it will be awesome and amazing! I am excited, scared and confused all at once. But that is ok. It will all work out in time. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Who am I not? I am not Ed. I am not a burden to my parents or anyone. I am not a liar or a disorder. I am not perfect. I am not ready to be completely independant and away from my parents. I am not recovered completely (getting there though slowly). I am not an emotional roller coaster or a wreck. I am not a smiley that is easy to make sense of. I am not the greatest at communicating my needs to my parents or even my treatment team always. I am not the best at asking for help. I am not always a gray thinker.
What life isn't? It isn't the beach but it isn't Picasso. It isn't always great but it isn't always bad. It isn't a clear cut answer nor does it always provide what you want it to. It is not a easy and it is not boring. It isn't one lesson but a bunch. It isn't simple anyway you put it.
SO I know a lot more about what life isn't and who I am not than who I am.But that is perfectly fine. I am along for the ride and will go wherever it may take me but whatever I do I still have control, a say and choices to make. I get to decide what path I want to take and what I want to do. I can decide how I will react to what life throws and especially what I do with the unknown. But I am going to do my best to live in the moment, be mindful, use coping skills, be in the gray and make the right choices. I will do my best to not place judgments on myself too. I will follow my heart and intuition. I will do my best. If it isn't perfect, and I know it won't be. Oh well. No big deal. I am not going to freak and think it is the end of the world. It is just something else to work through and overcome. I am me and I live my life the way I can. I am at peace. I will pick out the most positives I can out of anything and roll with the flow. I am Devyn and that's it! :)
So what is life? Life is a journey with ups and downs and everywhere in between. It is full of lessons, some of which take a long lime to learn and master while some you never master. It doesn't mean you are a failure though. I think that it means that you are unique and perfectly imperfect. i am not perfect and I don't plan on trying to be. Not anymore not wasting my time. It is very complex. It can be intriguing.
Who am I? I am Devyn. I am a very smart and unique girl. I am a survivor of many challenges and outcomes and I have a ton of hope for the future. I can be stubborn at times but I eventually do what needs to be done. I am not ED or any disorder or label that has ever put on me. I am strong. I am who I am. I am beautiful and I live in the moment. I am capable of overcoming and reaching anything I set my mind to and that obviously includes Ed for me. I am very independent and unsure about my future. I do know it will be what I make of it and if I have my say, which I do it will be awesome and amazing! I am excited, scared and confused all at once. But that is ok. It will all work out in time. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Who am I not? I am not Ed. I am not a burden to my parents or anyone. I am not a liar or a disorder. I am not perfect. I am not ready to be completely independant and away from my parents. I am not recovered completely (getting there though slowly). I am not an emotional roller coaster or a wreck. I am not a smiley that is easy to make sense of. I am not the greatest at communicating my needs to my parents or even my treatment team always. I am not the best at asking for help. I am not always a gray thinker.
What life isn't? It isn't the beach but it isn't Picasso. It isn't always great but it isn't always bad. It isn't a clear cut answer nor does it always provide what you want it to. It is not a easy and it is not boring. It isn't one lesson but a bunch. It isn't simple anyway you put it.
SO I know a lot more about what life isn't and who I am not than who I am.But that is perfectly fine. I am along for the ride and will go wherever it may take me but whatever I do I still have control, a say and choices to make. I get to decide what path I want to take and what I want to do. I can decide how I will react to what life throws and especially what I do with the unknown. But I am going to do my best to live in the moment, be mindful, use coping skills, be in the gray and make the right choices. I will do my best to not place judgments on myself too. I will follow my heart and intuition. I will do my best. If it isn't perfect, and I know it won't be. Oh well. No big deal. I am not going to freak and think it is the end of the world. It is just something else to work through and overcome. I am me and I live my life the way I can. I am at peace. I will pick out the most positives I can out of anything and roll with the flow. I am Devyn and that's it! :)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Life has changed
I have been so busy lately and I haven't posted on here forever and I truly missed it so that is going to change. A lot has happened in my life lately, good and bad plus anywhere and everywhere in between. I am enjoying life so much still even when I have a bad day. I have learned so much about myself and have grown because of it. I am Devyn. no one defines who I am anymore.No one but me. No one can hurt me anymore cause I am strong. I don't let myself break down to the extent that I used to. I never want to not live anymore or just exist. I want to live, feel empowered, and share my love of life with others. My life isn't full of isolation anymore. It is full of things I love such as family, friends, and of course laughter. My life is my own. It is unique and though I may not always like it, it is the bigger picture that I love
<3
Devyn
<3
Devyn
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