been a while

lately things have not been so hott for me. I broke up with a man I thought I loved and would last forever. I have felt so lost and alone lately. I am still going strong in my classes at WC but emotionally and mentally I am falling apart. It scares me to death that this is happening. Granted it could be like how it was a while ago, like a year and I am very thankful it is not to that point. But I am scared that things are getting worse. I have been so depressed lately and the part that makes it hard is I don't know why. I think though I should go through my DBT binder from Tx and actively use skills and stuff. I think that will help some. I just feel so alone lately and hopeless. I know this doesn't sound good but it's the way it is. I feel too scared to tell my therapist because I am scared how she will react and freak, in my opinion. I don't know what to do. I am trying my hardest to not fall apart and hold it together but it is tough. I think also being gone from college for 3 weeks and having to recover from surgery when I was doing really well in recovery makes it hard. I hope it will all be ok though. We will see. I see my therapist on Thursday which seems like forever away but oh well once classes and Monday comes around i hope the week will go by fast.

college and life=new beginning

Well i haven't written in here for a while. I'm in college now at Westminster and today is my first day of classes. I am really excited, nervous, scared and anxious all at once. I really don't know what to feel. I had a rough month in July but August has been pretty good. mostly due to Ed relapse and my tx not letting me get away with my tricks and excuses and pushing me so hard to get back on track. Well now I am doing great again for the most part. I am winning the battle slowly but surely. I know it is kinda bad to put deadlines and shit but I want to be recovered by the end of this year. I think I can do it actually. I haven't felt more secure about myself in the longest of whiles. I am taking one step at a time. I am still with Lestat and I hopefully will be with him for the rest of my life. It has been 5 months almost. It willl be interessting how it all goes. i am more on my own now. I'm living in the dorms at the college and my roommates are amazing, so far lol jk, and hopefully things will be okay for the year. I'm taking one day at a time. I'm relaizing I don't have to be pefect even though in some ways I still strive to be. It is a long road still to where i will be happy but with my friends, family, Lestat and my tx I can do it.

about me! updated

Hey I'm Devyn, of course, or Dev as a lot call me. I'm 17 years old and just finishing up my senior year at Viewmont High. I am really shy until I get to know you then I can be pretty crazy and outgoing. My friends and family mean the world to me. I don't change for anyone so either accept me or not; I don't really care. I don't hate anyone. A lot has happened the past three years, been in and out of hospitals, had 4 surgeries, 3 car accidents and some treatment for depression and anxiety. But even with all of that shit I have learned a lot about myself and have gained a lot of insight about my life and life in general. I'm not crazy nor was I ever, I just needed help and that was my past. I have new ways and new skills on coping with life and emotions now.I don't regret anything that I have done. I learn from my mistakes and change what happens next time. If you want to be my friend or get to know me or whatever, just be patient with me. It takes me a while to open up and stuff. I have been hurt too many times and have a hard time trusting people. It takes a while. I will be happy that I am moving out on August 22, 2009 to the dorms at Westminster College. I got a scholarship there. I'm very smart. So that's a tad about me. Want to know more message me or on AIM (allstarcheerut), I don't bite :) ♥ Dev

wow haven't posted in forever

last night I had dance and it was just so intense. someone got hurt and competition is a week away so that's not good at all. my week has been pretty crazy and so has life lately but it has gotten better. im excited for competition cause my team and for my solo is going to rock! all of the teams will. im really not too nervous about it. i am but in a good way. i don't feel much pressure than i did when i was competitng for cheer and gymnastics and dance a while while back. so it will be good. my mommy sewed my straps for my dress for my solo. it's to Carrie Underwood's "Starts with Goodbye." I'm also happy that the second week of April I will be done with DBT which means I won't have to leave dance early on Thursdays anymore and just have to go once a week on Wednesday! Yay. 25 weeks it will have been since I started by the time I am done. UI have changed a lot, learned some new skilss but at the same time some things have gotten worse. But I'm still working on them at least. It's just hard to keep it going. I have lost weight which makes me very ahppy cause I lost like 10 now or so in the past two weeks. So i'm getting closer to my goal!!!! yayay....but others say it's not good and I don't need to loose weight especially cuz I'm in rwecovery supposedly still. Obviously right now I don't want to recover hence me restricting as much as possible and loosing weight rapidly but at least I am eating this time. Idk. it's really confusing to me. i don't want to end up back at the hospital again or more treatment. idk. right now I'm taking things one day at a time. I have sooo much on my plate so that's all I can do.
♥ Dev