I want...I need...I will do...

I am really struggling. I am done denying that. I am sinking and falling faster than ever, even in my past, but this time I am noticing it. I am fighting...well trying my hardest to not fall. I am trying to find a reason to fight for myself but I am holding on to those that love me. I don't want to hurt them. I want to find the real me that has been hidden. I know I am slowly exploding and it is only a matter of time...but I hope it doesn't come.

I love Westminster and everyone there sooo much. It has changed my life and school keeps me sane...well mostly. I know being busy is the way I cope...well least harmful. I know that I have slipped into old behaviors...which isn't good. Even if it is easy...I have never been one to take the easy way out...why start now. I am going to fight. I know people love me...deep down I know I am worth it...I just can't feel it now.

It is hard because so many people look up to me. I am the one doing well and making strides and I can't let people down. I am trying to find out what I need to do. I know I need more help but asking for it is hard (even though I asked and got it last week). I feel I should be better now not worse after a week. It is just so hard. So many things are running though my brain. I don't want to hide. I want to be happy or at least I think somewhere in me does. I know I have work that needs to be done. I always say I will do whatever takes, I should live up to what I say. I should take the advice I give others. The advice that says to keep fighting and this journey is worth it. You're not all....but somehow I feel so alone. I am doing what I need to. I am at least being honest with Kelsey and with my parents. I know people care and just want to help me. I am just stubborn and don't want to leave. I don't want to leave what I have now. I feel i am not strong enough and will fall apart.

Somehow, some way, I know that something needs to change within me. I need to fight, and I will. As hard as it is, I have come to far to give up, even though I want to...I won't. I will fight. I will do it NO MATTER WHAT.

I can't believe I am saying that. I really do swing back and fourth with this right now but I am holding on. I want freedom. I will do this...it just may take some time...I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know that and I will try to not just fix it but solve it and find new ways..healthier ones. not ones that only last so long. Don't get me wrong, I know i have succeeded in doing a lot. i know that i have come further than anyone thought possible..but I got a ways to go. I am scared. I don't want to be scared of life or myself. I want to be healthy and happy. I will....eventually, I hope.

Others love me. I love others and those that have been there for me. If I gave up I would be hurting people and I promised never to do that. I need and will fight. Even if I am scared I will hold on for others....until I can do it for myself. I have moments where I am truly good but having more rough spots lately. I don't want to burden others or make them take care of me... I need to be able to do it. Even as much as I am hating writing this...I somewhat wish I was in denial or taking the easy way out. It would be easier.

Just sometimes people don't understand, like my parents, it isn't always a quick fix. you can't always just snap out of it or change it. It isn't as easy and we all know that. I wish people in my life would understand a little bit more. I know they don't have to but I feel soo alone. Even though I am not alone. i feel somewhat like it. I have soooo many conflicting feelings and thoughts. i am tired of the war...I want it to end...I want peace.

someday perhaps...

I have no clue but I do know is that I need to write...
I guess a lot has been going on lately. Maybe more than in past years but less in others. I guess sometimes I wonder what my purpose on this world is? I know I have one and that I know everything I go through is related to that but other than that it is a mystery. I just like to know things but I don't have to (but it bugs me not to). I like to be around people more than in the past and I like who I am for the most part. I like who I am becoming and that I am finding myself more. Although sometimes when I question things or just don't know, like tonight, I wish things were different. I don't know if any of this is even making sense. I don't know if it even makes sense to me. This is just...well I don't know.

I guess there are some things that can change. I guess there are things with myself and others that could be better or that I could understand. There could always be more communication but sometimes I doubt it will ever. I don't have unreasonable expectations really for myself or others anymore, if anyone it would be more myself. I just there is something inside me that just isn't right...it wants to make me cry and I wish I knew what that was. I really do but I also don't even want to know. What if it is something I don't want to handle?

I know I have others around me that support, love, and would be here for me. I know I can make it through anything I need to. I am no way going to give up on myself, my life, others or this journey. I know things are pretty good overall. Maybe I am just thinking too much or is it not enough? Grr this really does irritate me a little though. I hate it when my mind keeps running, especially with this and more negative stuff, it never seems to want to shut off. It is nearly midnight and not really tired yet I have a class and a presentation in 10 hours. I just wish..idk perhaps someday I will know... :( just feeling well idk how i feel....omg another question...

how do i feel? i guess idk. well i know it isn't bad but it isn't necessarily good either. I know things could be better but they have been much worse in the past. i am kinda sad but still kinda content but not happy. I feel sore and crappy physically. I kinda feel optimistic right now but also questioning and curious as well. I am kinda nervous and anxious but still have a sense of calmness. If I could put it in one word or got this question by my therapist perhaps I would say mixed. Grr this is annoying as well.

Hiccup and moving right along

A lot has been happening..good and bad occurred in the past two weeks. I was starting to slip into old behaviors, getting overwhelmed by stress and all that I have going on. But at the same time I was still having some good in my life. I was reaching out for support instead of being stubborn. I was using my CBT and DBT skills along with other skills....but it wasn't enough. So I even reached out to Kelsey, some friends and eventually my parents...not quite enough either but what all these skills and supports did do is keep me acting on my negative thoughts, Evil Ed, my depression and kept me safe.

It was very hard to admit I was struggling and even harder admitting I needed intensive help fast. It was hard because part of it was out of my control, by that i mean my medications needed a big change. I knew that a long time ago that if they needed change it may have had to happen anyways. I asked for support and i got it. I needed to go inpatient to get a boost. It was hard I stayed out of inpatient for about 2 years, which is still an accomplishment, but I needed to do it for myself and my health. I wasn't going to give up on this...or myself. I have to much that I love. Too much to lose to give up. As much as my thoughts kept telling me that was my only option it wasn't and my supports helped remind me of that.

I was quite a process trying to get me back in to my old treatment center...there was a waiting list for like a day so I ended up going to the hospital then to another place for 12 hours which was hell and then to UNI where I have gone for most of my treatment the past few years. I was kind of surprised I was begging for help and to go back because i know what works. I know it helps and it did. It was hard though to. Last time i was still a minor and was on the youth unit this time I was on the adult side as i am 19. It was still good...it was amazing at how much things changed by just changing my meds. It was even more amazing that my just taking a short break and focusing on myself and what I needed how much that helped me too. My treatment team there was AWESOME and kept telling me this is just a little "hiccup" and nothing more. That I did the right thing and would be out in no time. Well i was...this whole thing was only about 4 days total. It was my shortest stay ever but one of ones that helped me the most.

While I was in there i thought about how far I have come these past 4 years but I also still have a ways to go. I am emerging into adulthood still. I am going back into therapy with one of my therapists I haven't seen in a while and she and I work very well. So that will be good and still at this point I will do whatever it takes to stay on this path...no matter what this journey throws at me I will live and have a happy, free and successful life.

No matter how hard things get or if I went back inpatient to get a boost I know that i am worth it. I know that i am going to be healthy. I also know I did the right thing and i am proud of myself even though it was very hard. I know I have a ways to go but I don't discount my past either. I believe I can do this. I am so grateful I have those in my life that helped me when I asked for help. I asked for support and I got it...what a concept lol. It took me long enough to grasp it lol :)

I have the tools, support, skills and everything necessary to succeed. I know i will do that. I believe it and my heart does as well. I can and will do this.

I have had some of the best couple weeks but in a sense they have also been some of the worst in a few weeks. I have felt myself slowly slipping back into the old mind set and more. I have felt myself losing the motivation to fight. I feel a lot of this is due to all the medical stuff I have had to deal with. My Ed is literally killing me slowly and causing more and more problem (or they are now just showing up) months and even years after I have been pretty stable and not engaging in behaviors...yeah the very occasional slips but recovery isn't perfect and neither am I. I have ask myself so many times "why try when it is never enough?" I still somewhat feel that but I also know that I have come far and have accomplished so much. I have survived myself. I can't give up. As much as my brain, Ed and even body is telling me too I can't.

I really need to keep fighting. I don't want to lose the freedom. I know I should not be isolating like I am now. I know i have the support and access to more. I am scared though. I am scared that there is nothing more to fight for. I know there is no destination but it is hard. I feel empty inside and I feel nothing else. I wish I could cry. I wish I could just know why I feel like this. I am confused and somewhat lost. I feel I might need more help again but many were so proud when I was able to end therapy that i can't go back. I still don't think I am that bad but maybe I should. I don't want to go downhill and for once I am realizing it...so maybe since I realize it I won't go further downhill? Everyone was confident in the choice to end it that I have the tools, support, skills etc blah blah blah. I still believe I do...but I have also been soo low lately further than ever in a long time. I don't know what to do. I am hanging on by a thread that I DON'T want to break. I want to stay on this journey of life and even more recovery. i don't want to go downhill I want to stop it but I feel I can't. i am losing control and I know it. But I am going to gain it back. I said a long time ago and promised myself that I will do "whatever it takes, no matter what to recover." I don't want to break that. I hope i don't. I'm well...idk...

This is different!

School just started and this is the official first full week of classes! This year I am so excited as I look back to this time last year. I was scared and was just a freshman. I moved away from home and was out of my DBT treatment program. I had still been working with my therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, MD etc. I was still struggling with behaviors and managing my schedule too.

Now I look back to where I was and compare to where I am this year. This year I am really strong. I am out of therapy and out of with my dietitian. I am engaged in my school in clubs and student governemnt as a leader. I am in process of get a NAMI walk for next fall in Utah. I am involved again in a club called SPEAK and going to go around to high schools speaking about my story and my path to freedom and advocating. I am still not recovered period but I have come far.

I enjoy my life. I stand right back up if I struggle and fall down, what little there are. A lot can be accomplished. A year ago I made the choice that I would do whatever it takes, no matter what to defeat Ed. I still hold that promise to myself. I still belive that anyone can recover if they put in the work. It takes time. I have been working on this since i was 9 and being in and out of treatment and recovery. But this journey is well worth it. it is worth the falls, the trials and the cries. We can do this. None of us are alone and there is also professionals that help as well, when needed. ED is a disease not a choice, in my opinion. Ed is mean and cruel but we are stronger than him. We have something to fight for:life. He has nothing.

This is a battle but one that can be won by all of us. There is hope. We all have the courage and the strength and don't forget that. If you listen to your heart you can achieve anything. WE got this. No matter what it takes I will continue to fight for more freedom and this journey I will hold on to. As Cheryl says, "Recovery is a journey, not a destination." This journey may go up, down, turn, do some flips, and fall apart at times...but that is when you make a choice to get back on and take action.

This year in college, I feel and know it will be different. I am not doing any behaviors. I am doing what it takes to recover and stay consistent. I am still somewhat lost cause I knew to fight for freedom, but now I have that...I am not exactly sure what to fight for or where to go from here. I know I need to stay consistent with what I am doing though and that is a great start. I can do this. I am not alone. We are not alone. I am a leader at school as a Senator and that helps me a lot to not isolate and get out there. I know there is something to fight for and to continue on this journey. I still am walking even though I don't know what I am walking to. But there isn't a destination...so Idk. We got this though. I wonder what will come to me on this journey next.

I believe in all of you! I believe is us. You all inspire me as well. WE got this, let's keep going.
I just really needed to write.

<3 Devyn