So I haven't really posted on here much lately for a few reason. 1) I haven't really been in the best place to write. 2) I have been tremendously busy with life since I've been back from Thailand. 3) I just needed a break. So To be honest things have kinda gotten hard for me again. I've started to struggle more than usual with negative body image thoughts and negative self-talk. Oh and Ed is trying to take control over food again but thanks to Kelsey still staying on track for the most part.
Struggling. I try to avoid that word and having to do that. I rather hide and put a mask on. Pretend everything is okay but where does that get me? What do I learn; what am I showing others around me? I don't know if I affect others in my life and help them but I try to do my best and use my skills, not just give up and throw down the towel. Easier said than done though. I learn that if I let others in, by trusting them, that it does get easier to get back on track and to just be me. I don't have to be strong and happy all the time. I am human too. I am not perfect and don't know everything, even just about myself. It's okay to struggle and even okay to ask for help. What a concept! It's taken me years and years to grasp that, but with practice and more practice it has gotten easier. My friends, family, those I have met in Tennessee, at CFC and after and those from school have helped me learn this and how to trust. Without others in my life I wouldn't be able to do what I do today, such as be in school, cheer again, be happy with my family, more content with my body (most days), majority of the time ED is gone and I feel and experience more freedom each and every day. Maybe and hopefully I will get into graduate school next year for psych but maybe not. I will work about that come this fall/spring. However, slowly it does get better.
My blog is titled: Courage, Strength and Healing. I truly believe with courage and strength healing is possible but you don't just get courage and strength automatically or alone. I believe that it is necessary to ask for others to help you along the way. Some will help you for a reason, a season or a lifetime. In time I know I will have be free from Ed. He might be around in a sense I must live with appropriate caution but maybe he will go away completely. I won't worry about it until I come to that point. Sometimes I envision myself standing at a wall, but I have a wall that is not solid but has cracks in it. I have a wall that has a end to it and is climbable with support from those around me. It is a somewhat clear wall; I see what I want but not all of the details. I will get over to the other side one day at a time. I believe any person can overcome any obstacle in their life. It just takes practice and time. Don't get up. You're never alone and there are always people around to support you. One step at a time.
A dear friend of mine that has helped me so much in my journey, especially lately recently wrote an amzing blog and I want to share it.
Humility a lesson from a great mentor
1 comment:
Dev, remember always YOU ARE WORTH IT! We all are more than our demons tell us we are. Thank you for speaking out and for revealing more of what's behind the mask you wear. I think you're a pretty neat gal! Love ya, Meredith
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