Living Life

So I haven't written a blog in a while and so it's late at night but not tired so might as well write. So lately since school got out at the end of May I have been busy working, spending time with my fiance, and trying to make time for fun and relaxing things as well. I am so grateful to have accomplished my first year in college well and having the summer of my life. I haven't even been on chats or much on here in almost a month but still post...but it is cause I am finally LIVING MY LIFE!!!

I am finally now just appreciating how great life is, how fantastic I have been doing since the retreat in March (even though I still have rough days occasionally), and how even though I am not in a constant battle fighting, or constantly having to change things with my treatment team that I still have to keep my guard up just in case and i still have to work on things. I still know that this is a journey. I still have to remind myself to keep doing what i need to no matter what. I am still working on self-esteem and some other issues but for the most part I am doing well. I am beginning to realize that the freedom that started to show glimpses a few months ago and i thought was here hopefully to stay, well it is still here and keeps growing. it is to the point I am so busy with work, hanging out with friends, my fiance, and family that I almost need to slow down a little more. I still am taking care of myself but you can never have too much self-care lol.

I love that I am able to talk back to Ed on a dime. I love how I can be around family and friends and be open, honest and communicate and trust them. I am so proud that I have even made it this far cause originally I NEVER thought it was possible. I thought "every one can do it but me. I am too weak", well um I am not that special. No one is. I believe recovery is possible for everyone. It is hard work and can be a pain in the butt, as it sometimes still is for me but it is soooooo much better than any so called "life" with Ed. Ed is a LIAR. He doesn't know what is good for me or anyone for that matter. I actually like my treatment team now cause I am not fighting them, I am working with them and they even listen to me now. Weird huh? lol. If I listen, they seem to listen to me too. I like it this way. I have also been able to deal with things on my own. I can handle the tough emotions/ thoughts without even thinking about doing any behaviors or coming close. I will NEVER go back to that. As I write that I think that a few years ago that was not even possible to consider or even how at the beginning of this year I second guessed it. Well I did it. I have accomplished a lot but only with a lot of hard work, patience, time, dedication and standing back up after falling down many times.

I even think that falling is down is possible as neither life nor me are perfect and mistakes happen but that is why i already have a plan and i know i would always be right back up. I can ask for support. I bounce back fast but this wasn't always this way. I remember the days of my past struggles. another thing that is a great reminder to me now is that i got a tattoo with my fiance last Saturday. it was my first recovery tattoo is how i define it. it is a butterfly. to me the butterfly now permanently on my wrist serves as a reminder of how life is a journey and how much i have changed. it also reminds me of the freedom i fought for and not willing to lose. butterflies are free and beautiful just like me. I am change and I am living my journey, not Eds.