Over the past couple months, since about August, I made some decisions that really did change my life in multiple ways in both good and bad and I am really proud that I did. I have no regrets whatsoever. At the end of summer there was a lot of drama going on with cheer and frankly I was starting to become bullied and people were being passive aggressive towards me for many months. Bullying is something I went through all through elementary through high school and it has played a huge role in who I am today, has made me stronger but it has also caused some of my challenges and PTSD. At first I decided I would just take it, but what message was I giving myself? That it ok for others to treat me this way and I just deal with it? I loved cheer and I miss it so much, especially some of the people on the team. I wanna make it clear that there were only four people that were really being negative towards me everything Cheer Salt Lake is NOT about supposedly. I decided after one practice of being "confronted" more like yelled at and blamed for everything and them also hating on Kelsey that I would not take it. I couldn't stop crying and I went back to the days I was in school being bullied; it was all the same. I quit the next day after crying about it for hours. I knew I had to do it for me.
That decision was one of the hardest decisions I made in my life. I say that because I did something to stand up for me and say, "NO this is NOT okay." I really miss it especially because it was a way I redefined my relationship with exercise from ED but I am now working on getting my physical health taken care of so I can go back to swimming or yoga. Easier on my joints and my asthma. I've also had to learn through this that I have got to be patient with myself. My body can only do so much. For years it was tortured, which was not my fault but then I beat it up and didn't treat it well either. I didn't nourish it or care for it like it needed but now I am REALLY grateful that my body is still here and alive for me. It is strong and gets stronger the longer I stay healthy and the more I continue to take care of it like seeing the doctors for my back pain from previous car accidents. By treating it well, even though I have to be patient I am going to get more out of it and not injure it again or further. I also started working at a substance abuse treatment center for teens about two months ago and working there has helped my self-esteem, confidence, and has continued to help me stay motivated in my own recovery.
Even though I have done really well the past couple years and haven't engaged in behaviors doesn't mean it is easy for me at all. The thoughts and feelings are still there just the outer unhealthy coping methods not so much. I am so thankful for those that have helped me during my journey and for my time at CFC and other treatment/therapy I have had the gift to receive. Not everyone is privileged and gets a second chance at life or even a third or fourth. I am so grateful for it and so grateful for all of my friends and everyone I have met through this battle too as I know people who have lost their lives. I refuse to waste this chance. I may still hit a bump here or there, have a bad day every now or then but I know I can do this. I will achieve my goals. Yes, I am really scared because after this year when I graduate with my bachelors in May I have no clue what will happen or where I will be (with Kelsey but other than that who knows). But I do know I will have Kelsey, my family and my recovery. The rest of it will figure the rest of itself out.
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