So I am up and working right night at the treatment center I work at. I typically NEVER work graves but I like to help people out and this is only 6 hours and I don't have a ton going on until noon tomorrow. That being said, it is way too quiet and I can't put on music really so I might as well write. Since I am avoiding the load of readings I brought with me and I have yet only got through one. I still have about 2 hours but I thought maybe writing for a few minutes might help.
I have been thinking a lot lately about where I have come from, not in spiritual terms or what not as that is something that is honestly too scary for me to think about but as far as in my life. I have also thought about where do I want to go because I have a lot of change approaching and before I know it it will be here. I am not saying I am really worrying about it right now and am scared at this moment to where it occupies my life but it does come into play every day.
I think that is normal and even can be healthy to look back at your past and future to analyze what has happened and where you have come so you can set goals, appreciate where you have come from, what you have and where you can make changes. I don't think it is healthy to judge it all and think of everything as black and white and be ,"Oh I messed up my whole life because I went into treatment and had to take off a semester of school, struggled getting what I think are good grades and will never get into graduate school....." That was me for so long and some days I get back into that whole mind set to where one little thing even in that week I think will mess me up for ever-I know totally catastrophic thinking errors here as well. It is human to make mistakes, mess up in whatever that may look to you, or to take a completely different path than what you or family expect. We are socialized, here in the US at least that mistakes are not ok. Perfect lives don't exist. What you see is perfect in someones life may not be perfect to that someone. Perfect looks different to everyone and though for the longest time early on once I started recovering from my eating disorder I hated it when people said, "perfect" and said something almost every time they did. It was really bad. I still had that high standard for me but not anyone else-naturally. I still do to some extent, and always will.
Even though I am symptom free, I honestly think that recovery is harder now. I thought stopping the behaviors were HARD but dealing with the raw, scary, and unspeakable problems is even harder because it is easier to just ignore them and try to move on. I kept saying to myself for a while, "I dealt with the behaviors I will deal with whatever emotional part I see fit because I am doing good now. I am in school, doing things I love to do when I have time, working etc.... Well that part I am just letting go because I know I am doing well. I am working and doing school. I got a 3.87 GPA last semester as well, the first time back on the Dean's List since I got out of treatment over years ago. I just started going back to yoga regularly with a friend now that my body is not in pain from other medical problems. yadadada. I do know however, that I could be happier, that I don't have to be nearly has stressed as I do or have change in my schedule affect my emotions. I don't need to have bad depression days, maybe I can have none at all. It used to be every day. It isn't anymore so it is possible. Hell, maybe my insomnia can get better more. I could spend more time with my partner having fun and less us problem solving ways to make it through the day. The possibilities are limitless. I shouldn't let myself get to this point and be "good enough." I know that things can be better.
I wouldn't tell those I love or care about that where they are at now is where they should stay. You should never stop pushing yourself because we as humans we can always grow. If we make a mistake or fall it is ok. If we take a completely different path it is ok. I know that I can do more to help myself improve in my life. That is why I recently pushed myself to get back into yoga. Yes, will I have to push myself to go and also to go do other things with friends and get out more. It is scary but that is life. You never know what can happen..good or bad. Would you rather live life like a sitting duck or live it like a butterfly? If you know me, you know my answer.
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