So lately and today I have been thinking what is life? Who am I? Who am I not and what isn't life? After deep thought and journal and my favorite meditation I found out the answers for me. They aren't completely clear and clean cut but they are what they are now. Being mindful and in the moment and I radically accept that.
So what is life? Life is a journey with ups and downs and everywhere in between. It is full of lessons, some of which take a long lime to learn and master while some you never master. It doesn't mean you are a failure though. I think that it means that you are unique and perfectly imperfect. i am not perfect and I don't plan on trying to be. Not anymore not wasting my time. It is very complex. It can be intriguing.
Who am I? I am Devyn. I am a very smart and unique girl. I am a survivor of many challenges and outcomes and I have a ton of hope for the future. I can be stubborn at times but I eventually do what needs to be done. I am not ED or any disorder or label that has ever put on me. I am strong. I am who I am. I am beautiful and I live in the moment. I am capable of overcoming and reaching anything I set my mind to and that obviously includes Ed for me. I am very independent and unsure about my future. I do know it will be what I make of it and if I have my say, which I do it will be awesome and amazing! I am excited, scared and confused all at once. But that is ok. It will all work out in time. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Who am I not? I am not Ed. I am not a burden to my parents or anyone. I am not a liar or a disorder. I am not perfect. I am not ready to be completely independant and away from my parents. I am not recovered completely (getting there though slowly). I am not an emotional roller coaster or a wreck. I am not a smiley that is easy to make sense of. I am not the greatest at communicating my needs to my parents or even my treatment team always. I am not the best at asking for help. I am not always a gray thinker.
What life isn't? It isn't the beach but it isn't Picasso. It isn't always great but it isn't always bad. It isn't a clear cut answer nor does it always provide what you want it to. It is not a easy and it is not boring. It isn't one lesson but a bunch. It isn't simple anyway you put it.
SO I know a lot more about what life isn't and who I am not than who I am.But that is perfectly fine. I am along for the ride and will go wherever it may take me but whatever I do I still have control, a say and choices to make. I get to decide what path I want to take and what I want to do. I can decide how I will react to what life throws and especially what I do with the unknown. But I am going to do my best to live in the moment, be mindful, use coping skills, be in the gray and make the right choices. I will do my best to not place judgments on myself too. I will follow my heart and intuition. I will do my best. If it isn't perfect, and I know it won't be. Oh well. No big deal. I am not going to freak and think it is the end of the world. It is just something else to work through and overcome. I am me and I live my life the way I can. I am at peace. I will pick out the most positives I can out of anything and roll with the flow. I am Devyn and that's it! :)
1 comment:
very powerful blog post!
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