Change is happening

So I have realized I have not posted on here in forever but I have been writing thankfully maybe that is why things have been changing but need to write on here too more since I love it. Well anyways life has been hard but good. I have really realized a lot in the past few weeks and especially the last week or so. One of my biggest problems that causes a lot more problems is isolation from friends, family and social situations however in the past week or so that hasn't been a problem. Omg is has been hard and uncomfortable especially finding new friends and then even trusting them with the basics but I am doing it and will keep working on it. It has been a journey to do it and I am sure it will not instantly get easier or stay like this but I hope it does. Also I am working on doing more things that are for me and involve what I love which includes dancing, painting, blogging, running (once I get approval again), guitar, singing, writing, and playing and doing things with my nephew. It is awesome to be able to, first of all realize I miss those and now actually try to do those. I will do them not just think about trying them because really trying doesn't get you anywhere. It is all about choice. I also have been thinking about some of my friends that I have and I include those that I don't see much but always know they will be there to have my back and to forget about those others who may hurt me again or aren't good for me so I have delted over 200 "friends" on facebook and still working on it. It is hard cause I hate that I have to do that but I need to and was kind of "homework". Those of you who need to know what that means should already know. I have really been working on listening to my heart more and relying on my faith which is hard because sometimes I ask myself, "If God loves me and has a plan for me and all this, why would he put me through all the pain I have had to deal with in my life and even to the point of where I attempted to kill myself many times and cause me so much pain?" I am still working on that one because that one is actually very hard for me to deal with because it was a huge part of my life for most of my life and have blocked it out almost completely and working on getting in back but it's hard. I know it shouldn't be this hard but for me it is and I realize it is something I need to work on and I am almost to the point where I am willing to even more. Idk I have never lost complete faith but have lost some also now I feel so horrible sometimes for things I have done. Ugh I really need to find more of a balance but that too is getting better. I am working on the whole taking care of myself vs. school vs. recovery aspect. I have also decided to go to Thom Rutledge's Beyond Eating Disorders retreat in July again and if any of you want to know more about it go to www.thomrutledge.com it is a very awesome experience and was the best treatment in 3 days that I got in 3 years. No lie. I also have realized that I can do anything if I put my mind to it and that includes working hard with my parents and my team (including friends, professional supports, and my family of course) and am even beginning to trust them a lot more. So all is good and I am excited I am going skiing tomorrow with my dad and yea. Oh and this is a video I made of part of a dance performance I did at my college last week with a dance to Kenny Rogers "When You Put Your Heart in It". I will get the video of the performance within a few weeks hoepfully and pics hopefully next week and will upload them. Yes I was crying and so was others but got a lot of positive feedback and I accomplished a lot personally by not hiding it anymore.