Stress

S-t-r-e-s-s. This is the word of my life right now. It is attempting to take over my life and it is a fight not to let it control me. It is a fight to make myself breathe and take breaks. But it is a fight I am winning and will win. Yes, stress is a part of life but handling it can also become overwhelming at times. The past few weeks i have had to deal with a lot of stress which is trying to overcome the freedom I have worked years to gain. I'm not letting go of my freedom to be me, freedom to do what I want. Even though I can and deserve way more freedom and I can still be yelled at by ed for continuing to disobey him and that can still be hard at times, I don't give in. I don't need him and I know that. I won't ever give in again. I haven't in so long. I know that if I do, I would fall down fast and it would be even harder than last time to get back up. I understand i may fall again but I have the tools and support to get back up if I have to.

But I can't worry about that right now. i don't really need to. It is in a box and can be easily opened up if need be. I think that these past few weeks have been a series of tests by God and the Universe. It is a series to see what I will do with it and they have made me stronger. I have had to rely on asking for help and support. Reaching out is still tough, cause I like to be able to be independant, but I also know I can not do this alone. So i trust myself to ask for support and I get it. I talked to my parents, Kelsey (who is probably one of my biggest supports), and some really close friends and people i love. It has been really awesome too. I remember a time when I was ashamed like no other to ask for help. I remember a time when I couldn't do it at all. Acknowledging that has so much impact. it gives me insight to how far i have come and it helps me know I am nearing the end of this battle. I'm close to winning, I think and so does my tx team, that there is no back down now. I will do this. i am doing this. Today there is no try in my vocabulary because for me try is a very bad word.

A little thing that helps me to keep try out is a thing I did with my DBT therapist Andrea when I was in treatment. On the first day I kept saying I will try to do this..etc. She said, "Try to get off of my couch." So naturally I stood right up. She said "Try to get off my couch again. You just got off of my couch. That wasn't trying. You either do it or you don't." That hit me and helps me so much to day. I know that this stress has tested me but I know that this is has been hard on me emotionally and physically. But I also know myself and that i need to take care of myself. Self-care and self-soothing stuff has really helped me and so has DBT. i am so thankful for DBT. DBT saves. it really does. I don't know how I would be alive and surviving life without DBT, those around me that love and care about me and those who help me.