Is this starting anew?

Is this the end or is this where it begins? is it now or forever away? what do i do? what do I say? just feeling like life keeps breaking away. but is it starting anew, I do not know what to do. I feel like things are breaking down but at the same time I feel things are finally getting back together and whole. I find sometimes that I have complete freedom to be me but then I wonder who I am. My emotions are present then they disappear. It doesn't seem to matter whether I fight or not. They come as they go, whether or not I am ready for them. They help me stay strong and keep fighting but they tear me apart too. I don't like this or my mind one bit.

It is scary inside at times and I am surrounded by much fear lately that I don't know what to do or even what is happening. I feel as if sometimes I am just walking through life on autopilot. I don't have to think, I just do. I never used to do, I would only try. What has that gotten me? Lost? yeah that is a feeling a lot lately. Lost in life, myself, my mind? I don't know. I am lost but in many ways I feel found. my heart has been found and rescued by her. She has saved it and me. I used to think if I lost her I could move on but now I know I can't. I don't ever give up for anything i do know that. I don't quit and I will never surrender this battle. I deserve life. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be able to move on even when I slip up and not beat myself to death over it. Mistakes happen right? bad choices happen...but start anew? I feel so confused. What do i want? I want so much in my life. I want freedom and to be me. Has not working done this to me? Am I THAT OCD? I don't know what to think of me anymore.

It is soo much easier to focus on others. it really helps keep me going. It really keeps me moving and alive. It keeps me as close to present and in the moment as I can get. I am so lost and I feel so alone. I know I am not but I feel so. I can't even open up and communicate my true needs, only surface stuff. I can only scrape the top of me why I'm dying inside. but dying to live or dying to keep fighting or to be loved by myself? I don't want it to be this way. I really don't. I am doing my best, well what I can do. But I feel that isn't enough even. Am I good enough? I seem to have a lot of questiosn racing through my mind and my veins. I feel so cold inside mentally. I feel like it is lifeless. Not open or surrounded but surrounded by what? I don't know anymore. I guess I am loved I do know that much by many, I hope... I think... I am pretty sure... But what did I do to deserve this? I feel like i have done nothing to deserve what my life is right now...good and bad. I feel as if sometimes I am a waste of life although I know that is not true.

I know that in my soul i do have purpose and I will fill that purpose. i just want to know when. I am not patient. i can be with others to some extent. She has helped me with that a lot. She has helped me be able to be me and to feel accepted for once. But are they right? i don't know. Should I even care? Should I care about what others think about me. I know I know, "what others think of me is none of my business." but fuck I like to know. I thrive to know and to be accepted cause I feel i never was growing up not by anyone. I just feel like crying all the time. But I can't. I can't do it...I have to be strong. Strong for me, her, us....my family, my friends, and those who help me. But balance...grey area?

I know it is there; it is possible but shall I dare. Try to find it again? why is it such a constant battle? That and consistency? what do I do? I can't change what I am doing? I don't want to fall apart or us too? i doubt we will. we have been through so much in a short amount of time. I can't imagine my life without her. I can't live without her. I am not meaning being dependent or anything either or even for the love but I just feel this connection. It's indescribable. I can't explain it in words. It's amazing. I know that for sure. Is that all I know? Is that all that is keeping me going?

I just got an apartment with her and college is starting soon. I am stoked! I am almost halfway done with my undergrad. then grad? Oh shit! that scares me. It means I gotta clean up my mind and me. I have to have it together in order to get through grad school especially in psychology! Others can't know. I don't want my professors to know really. Even at Westminster.... It was hard enough to hide things this year. I am not going to make it so I have to next year. I am not. I have decided that much.

AS I write my mind is somewhat clearer but racing with all these questions...is the end nearer? Is this where it begins? What do I say? What do I do? Is this starting anew?