I have had a really tough week. There has been a lot that has happened. There have been times where I wanted to give up, just restrict this one time, never! There is no way I am going back to Ed. I have done well the past 9 weeks with behaviors. I am still struggling in one area but working on it. I am giving up Ed but not my life. Not my freedom. Not my best friend, Kelsey. Not my family either. I am getting geared up for school in a month! I am so ready and so prepared for success. Yeah, I will still have to fight, who said fighting would ever stop, but it will get easier. I am still doing this. I am enjoying getting my life back.

I was talking to my dietitian today about how proud i am that my focus has shifted away from the food to the experience. Oh course still intuitive but not overly freaking out. I know if I don't eat, I will feel worse emotionally and it is just a downward spiral. My life is a roller coaster but life will always be that way, but they ways I am coping (not dealing) with it are so much better. Yeah I have let my mask go 100% which has made this time so much worse. I have to be vulnerable 24/7. I have to trust myself and others. I have to always remember that I am not alone. I remember that I love Kelsey forever. She is amazing. I can tough things. Every time I start to struggle I ask, "Does this match up with my values?" IF the answer is no I change what I am doing, ask it again and keep going. Minute by minute sometimes has become more to hour by hour or day by day.

But that really doesn't matter. I love what I have in my life and like I said 12 weeks ago I will recover completely no matter what it takes. I am doing that. I am committed to my recovery. I am committed to my life and being there. Not just "there" but really "THERE!" I am doing very well at asking for help. I am doing what I need to. I am balancing my life with Kelsey, friends and family. My relationship with her has never been better. There are always improvements to be made but we are really good. WE have had our rough times together and apart. We both have to work on ourselves like we both are now so that we can be stronger together! She truly is MY love for life. I love her with whole heart and soul. We celebrate our 6 months tomorrow, only 2 hours away. WE will do something fun. I am so grateful for her in my life. She is soo amazing and beautiful.

She is so caring and loving. She is always there for me and I am ther for her. We do our best, neither of us are perfect. But our relationship is strong and continues to grow. We are growing together. It has been 6 months since we moved in together as well. It has been a long six in some ways but short in others. I feel like I have known her for a lifetime in most ways. No one understands me as much as her.

I know for me this is what I need. I need Kelsey, recovery, family, friends and most important myself. Without myself there is nothing else. Not everything we face can be changed, however nothing can be changed until it is faced.

woohoo life woot woot
<3 dev