"Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light." Levine

"Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light." Levine

Healing takes time and practice. I have been dealing with my eating disorder since it began around 9 and been trying to recover for 5 years. Now I am not just trying but I am doing it. Yes I said do. There is no trying. You either do it or you don’t. For me I don’t try to do my best. Trying allows for excuses to come up. If you do your best now that is different, and best is never perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. It never has and never will. ED convinces us that we need to be so great and “perfect.” That would be boring. Where would the learning be? Where would those hard moments that help us grow and become a better person be? These questions wouldn’t exist.

Since I was 15, I was in and out of treatment. I did get a lot out of it. Each time I learned something more. I am 19 now. Treatment has saved my life and it has helped but I never truly “let go.” I graduated high school, stayed out of inpatient treatment for 2 years and 12 weeks ago I realized I was relapsing. I just ended outpatient with my therapist and everything. I was in college. I’m a sophomore there. I was ready but Ed had one more battle he geared up for. He isn’t going to win this one.

Nine weeks ago I entered treatment again at Center for Change. I was inpatient for a week, stepped down to day treatment and now I am a month into their IOP program. In about 2 weeks I will probably be done if all goes well. You may be wondering what all of this has to do with the quote. I have had to truly let go. It is crazy. Ed has tried to kick my ass. He has been pulling everything he can to hold onto me. I let my mask down. I let down the wall that has stopped me from seeing the light.

Treatment is hard no matter whether it is just seeing a therapist and/or dietitian or in a treatment center in a program. Recovery is even harder. Treatment ends in time. It takes patience and I am not at the end yet. I am only 19; I am emerging as an adult. Recovery is a journey though. It doesn’t end. There is no destination where it is over. Life doesn’t end. It doesn’t stop either. There will always be ups and downs. Ed, self-harm or whatever addiction will be there for a while too. But you have a choice on how you will react.

Letting my mask down, yeah, I have done it before, in treatment. I have talked about my past here and there. I have worked on the behaviors, eliminated them for nearly 2 years, and found better ways to cope. However, avoiding or only touching my issues on the surface didn’t get me too far. But it was the best I could do then! No I can and am doing better. No I am ready and willing.

We can all recover! None of us are alone! There is always someone. It doesn’t matter whether your family and friends know, support and/or understand or not. No one needs to. There are always professionals out there to help, new friends to meet. There is always others like us who struggle. Think about all the readers who read this, like me and you! There are a ton of us and we are all fighting together. Hell, I have even met some of my best friends and supports over MentorConnect (www.mentorconnect-ed.org), a fantastic community, and even good ol’ FaceBook. There are people out there. It is just finding them.You still have to be careful on who you trust but then again it’s called practice and learning. If you do your best that is all anyone can ask for. It will get better.

Don’t give up. It does get better. I promise that. It may take time and it may get better then go down and repeat. But it does get better. It is so worth it and we all deserve recovery. We all can do it. We have each other. I can’t say that recovery is easy or will come in a certain time frame but whatever is meant to happen it will. It takes time. I’m still on the road after 5 years, many treatments and hospitals but it has gotten so much better. I can’t imagine my life without recovery now or how I could even live without it. I am who I am. I am not perfect. I am in recovery and I will recover completely.