I am a miracle.

I have been thinking lately a lot about life, in a good way not in a dark way. I have so many good and wonderful people and other things that I am blessed to have in my life and I am so grateful. I have been so busy lately between being a nanny, plus college, and home life. But somewhere I still find time for me. This is something that in the past wouldn't have happened. Yes, sometimes I still have 2AM study nights but that's college for you. But I still try to get some good ol' self-care in each day. I could of course use more and I am hoping to get back into going to the gym again. I went hiking last Sunday to some hot springs with my parents and Kelsey and it was after a snowstorm. The trail was packed down and was so icy. I fell really hard a few times, along with everyone else, and seperated my shoulder and now in a sling. :( This has made it somewhat hard because I have to really take care of myself and baby it else I will have permanent damage....yeah now I need to take this advice I am typing. I haven't necessarily been wearing my sling at home or baby-ing it... I can only do my best. It makes me think to how I didn't always do my best but eventually I made a choice for me. I made the choice to live not die.

I've been thinking back to a few years ago when life was hell for me. It was simply shit. I hated it and everyone. I pushed people away and also they pushed me away. I was hurt and so were they. I didn't want to live anymore and I tried not to a few times....anyways. I think about the hell I went through at BHS and how much I hated moving back from Pennsylvania when I hated Pennsylvania. I was glad to come back to Utah just hated I never fit in back here and all...I am not LDS. I think it has been on my mind lately because in therapy I have been working on the bullying through EMDR, which rocks. This I dealt with all through elementary and  high school, except my senior year where I was new to VHS and no one new me. I could just hide and people barely knew I existed. I know the mean things that were said to me were about their own insecurities. The people in Center that I basically grew up at for 8 years well some I am ok and talk to now but others I will not like forever. I understand not everyone will ever get along but the taunting and hatred at a young age is unacceptable. In high school and 9th grade back here in Utah well there was a reason I did home release as much as I could and did electronic high school a lot too. The girls were mean and I got talked about. I now understand what my dad went through growing up out here and my brother. I have nothing against LDS religion or people it is more the experience of being an outsider and others not understanding. It was tiring of people relentlessly trying to convert me and get me to go to church. I have my own beliefs thank you. I felt so alienated about it all and within myself. I felt like others never gave me a chance. But you know what it doesn't matter.

None of it matters. It hurt yes.But it helped make me who I am today. I am stronger because of it and I don't let people hurt me as easily. It took me a while. All that happened in high school caused a lot of pain and chaos in my life. I ended up in treatment several times, the hospital and all that shit. I eventually was hit with an ultimatum from my parents of going to wilderness then to a residential program or to switch high schools and go to an intensive program after school 3 days a week. Well duh, i wanted to stay home. I wanted my senior year of high school. Well I did it and I graduated. I guess the point here is that it gets better. Recovery from the eating disorder, self-harm, or whatever it is it does get better. I know it and believe it. Never give up. It isn't worth it. Each day is a day to say I am a miracle.