Prison--I am out now!

It is November 3, 2011. It is just an ordinary day but to me it feels extraordinary. Every day of life, every moment, every breath I take is a chance for a key moment. It is a chance for a choice of what I want in my life. I am free but I can be captured at any time. I have freedom every day but I have been in prison. A prison I created myself. A prison that is still close inside me that is easy to retreat to. I am not a criminal in real life. I haven't been in trouble by the police or the courts. But I have been controlled and entrapped by myself and my eating disorder. Let me say one thing. I did not choose my eating disorder and it is not my fault I have one; but I can control how I choose to cope with it and whether to recover or not.

A long time ago I chose recovery and at that time, at that key moment, I was free. I felt freedom. I was happy, true to myself and others. I still had a fight ahead of me but I had the motivation and tools to succeed. I knew that I could do it. My heart was telling me what to do. Then there was a day, or a few days; it really doesn't matter that were horrible. I got discouraged. I gave up. Ed got into my head and I threw up the white flag. I was imprisoned in my own prison. I didn't want to fight for a while but after a while I got a feeling. I had to fight. I decided to plead Ed for help but didn't get any real support. Supposedly he was my friend....not! I decided to take a risk and as for support through other sources. I asked for help from my friends and family. They helped me and truly cared. They loved me when I didn't want it. They even got me professional help (even though at times I was forced). They helped keep me alive so I can enjoy that breath, that moment and that day.

I have had that series repeat many times. I wish I could say it never happened again but at the same time my fight has helped make me who I am. I am strong and can do hard things. But this series has gotten better and slowed. Those times in prison are rare and insignificant in control. Ed doesn't nearly control me as much as he used to. It does get better. It really does. When it gets hard I find my safe and HEALTHY place. It helps me find the balance again.

So why do I tell you all this? Well one reason is because I can. But another is that recovery is so possible and though it is tiring and sometimes you can't see the end WE CAN DO IT! Hang in there!