Grateful for Cheerleading and Recovery

Today was just a really awesome and amazing experience. Today was my first performance of the season with my cheer team Cheer Salt Lake and it was great to be in a place where I can cheer again and be in a healthy place mind AND body. We also are a cheer for charity team, which provides a somewhat different atmosphere as we raise money for those with life threatening diseases. I will not say that I am always at this equilibrium of always having healthy thoughts about myself and my body in general or when it comes to cheer but when I think back to other years and from how far I have come I have come a million miles so to speak. I truly and honestly believe that with all of my heart. I am so grateful for my recovery as without it I wouldn't be able to cheer today.

Cheerleading is and has always been a part of my life since third grade. Throughout those years there were the good, bad, and well how about plain old sick times but I don't regret it. Cheer has always given me that sense of freedom and pride. It has always made me feel proud to be who I am. Even when I was bullied in school, those years I was a cheerleader at least those on the team, usually only during the games and practices etc., were nice and accepted me. It was something that I needed. It has always been a healthy outlet to relieve stress and to get away from other pressures in life, however, I was not always healthy while in cheer. I am proud I can say that has changed and will remain that way. I'm to the point where I can't and refuse to let my eating disorder take what I love in my life away from me. I'm a fighter. I may be really stubborn too but that does have some benefits.

If there has been one thing I have learned over the years and that has really stuck out to me today is that you should never give up on your dreams or goals that you have in life. When I was told in high school by my treatment team and doctors that I could not only not cheer but not exercise at all I thought that would be my life sentence and would never change. I had no hope to be able to return to my passion. Now they were right to pull me from cheer as it saved my life no doubt as my body couldn't physically or medically take it as well as I wasn't the best emotionally but as my recovery has evolved, changed, and I have remained largely free from eating disorder behaviors and thoughts the freedom for me to chose and make new goals and dreams have appeared and my old ones have come back. I am back cheering and though I might be in a different spot in many ways I am still so grateful everything has happened the way it has because I wouldn't have the moments like this to appreciate and be grateful for.

Where to go from here?

For several months now, over a year really, I have been doing extremely well in my recovery behavior wise. Along with that the negative thoughts and thinking patterns have largely diminished as well. They are still present but not every day like in the past. I never could have imagined that I would have gotten to this point. I owe much of it to the work I did at Center for Change with the amazing therapists, especially KB, and all the care techs. Also the retreats in Tennessee I have participated in over the past 3 years have immensely improved my journey of recovery and my life. They both have saved my life. I would go back to either of them if I felt the need to, especially the retreats as they give me a big recovery boost.

I have experienced a lot of freedom from my eating disorder and other issues that I have been working really hard on. I can go out of my house and not worry about having to put a mask on. I can feel my feelings and cry. I can ask others for support; but this one can still use definite work. I can go exercise and know my limits and no obsess about losing weigh. I eat intuitively, what I want, when I want and know when to stop. Intuitive eating was one of the hardest things to even grasp at CFC.

I wonder what to do from here? I am living a pretty good life. I have some friends and go out and do things. Is there anywhere to go? I recently asked a close friend that is fully recovered what can really get better if I'm not engaging in behaviors and I'm already doing things in my life I want to do? She told me that, "Life only gets better as your recovery strengthen and grows so yes, it can get even better.  The lies Ed continues to tell you do have the ability to be gone forever.  Your relationship with him is changing and as you get stronger his grip on you will become nill.  You deserve all that recovery gives and you can achieve it.  You are working hard on yourself, the relationship to find your true self and your recovery and you will be rewarded for your efforts and commitment.  Don’t give up and continue to move forward, I promise it does get even better.  You are worth it.  Keep up the great work Devyn and never forget that I love you and believe in you.  Stay strong and always believe!!!!"  I felt the need to post that because I believe that it is true. I deserve for my life to be not just pretty good but amazing. Everyone has good and bad days but overall perspective on my life and how I feel about myself can continue to change. I know there are a few negative sayings that Ed tells me and holds pretty strong reins over me and I need to work on those. I know I need to continue to reach out for support so I am actively trying to connect with one friend every day! (I even programmed it in the calendar in my phone!)

I also quit my job about a week ago and I am proud that I put myself first. I would usually never do that when I was in my eating disorder. I have also decided that until school is over, at the end of April and when I get back at the end of May from my month long trip to Thailand, that I am not working. It makes no sense and I could use the extra study time. I've also decided that I need to find a better therapist that will push me and specializes in more of what I need. So the search is on. I've even considered going back to a dietician when I start work again just to get a better help on what will fuel my body more. But right now I am focused on the here and now, which brings me to my final thought.

I've finally decided on my second tattoo. I've wanted it on my other wrist for various reasons. It will have the eating disorder recovery symbol in lavender and Chose To Live Today in script. It is about making the decision each day. Today I chose recovery. I chose to live and take the next steps to do. I chose to do whatever it takes to further whatever it is to a better fuller life.

Cheerleading and Eating Disorders

 So just in case I am putting a little warning for those who do struggle with ED....I do talk about what causes ED and what some of the health problems are (only what is posted on NEDA)...nothing you probably don't already know. But use your wise mind and be your best judge. Other than that I talk about cheerleading and eating disorders and yeah.
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So at the end of the month National ED Awareness Week (February 26-March 3, 2012). I have in some of my blogs mentioned to some extent mentioned that I am in recovery....from what well a few things some are which are private but I am going to talk right now about my recovery from an eating disorder. There are a few reasons why I am doing this. One is that there are so many misconceptions about them, two is that there are some personal benefits of writing for me :), and finally it is awareness week next week and this year the theme is Everybody knows Somebody. I think that it totally true. I know many people, partially those I have been in treatment with but I also know of friends that I know outside of that world that have struggled as well, even before me. Eating disorders kill. Let me begin with that. These past two years I have known five friends that died from eating disorders or eating disorder complications. Those were 5 too many precious lives lost to a deadly disease. So Eating disorders -- such as anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder, and EDNOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified) -- include extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are serious emotional and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and males.
 
ANOREXIA NERVOSA is characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss.
Symptoms include:
• Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for height, body
type, age, and activity level
• Intense fear of weight gain or being “fat”
• Feeling “fat” or overweight despite dramatic weight loss
• Loss of menstrual periods
• Extreme concern with body weight and shape
BULIMIA NERVOSA is characterized by a secretive cycle of binge eating followed by purging.
Bulimia includes eating large amounts of food--more than most people would eat in one meal--in short
periods of time, then getting rid of the food and calories through vomiting, laxative abuse, or overexercising.
Symptoms include:
• Repeated episodes of bingeing and purging
• Feeling out of control during a binge and eating beyond the point of comfortable fullness
• Purging after a binge, (typically by self-induced vomiting, abuse of laxatives, diet pills
and/or diuretics, excessive exercise, or fasting)
• Frequent dieting
• Extreme concern with body weight and shape
BINGE EATING DISORDER (also known as COMPULSIVE OVEREATING) is
characterized primarily by periods of uncontrolled, impulsive, or continuous eating beyond the point of
feeling comfortably full. While there is no purging, there may be sporadic fasts or repetitive diets and
often feelings of shame or self-hatred after a binge. People who overeat compulsively may struggle with
anxiety, depression, and loneliness, which can contribute to their unhealthy episodes of binge eating.
Body weight may vary from normal to mild, moderate, or severe obesity.
EDNOS- can include some combination of the signs and symptoms
of anorexia, bulimia, and/or binge eating disorder. While these behaviors may not be clinically
considered a full syndrome eating disorder, they can still be physically dangerous and emotionally
draining. All eating disorders require professional help.  Some of the heath consequences of eating disorders are:

Health Consequences of Anorexia Nervosa: In anorexia nervosa’s cycle of self-starvation,
the body is denied the essential nutrients it needs to function normally. Thus, the body is forced to
slow down all of its processes to conserve energy, resulting in serious medical consequences:
• Abnormally slow heart rate and low blood pressure, which mean that the heart muscle is
changing. The risk for heart failure rises as the heart rate and blood pressure levels sink
lower and lower.
• Reduction of bone density (osteoporosis), which results in dry, brittle bones.
• Muscle loss and weakness.
• Severe dehydration, which can result in kidney failure.
• Fainting, fatigue, and overall weakness.
• Dry hair and skin; hair loss is common.
• Growth of a downy layer of hair called lanugo all over the body, including the face, in an
effort to keep the body warm.
 
Health Consequences of Bulimia Nervosa: The recurrent binge-and-purge cycles of
bulimia can affect the entire digestive system and can lead to electrolyte and chemical imbalances
in the body that affect the heart and other major organ functions. Some of the health consequences
of bulimia nervosa include:
– Electrolyte imbalances that can lead to irregular heartbeats and possibly heart failure and
death. Electrolyte imbalance is caused by dehydration and loss of potassium, sodium and
chloride from the body as a result of purging behaviors.
– Potential for gastric rupture during periods of bingeing.
– Inflammation and possible rupture of the esophagus from frequent vomiting.
– Tooth decay and staining from stomach acids released during frequent vomiting.
– Chronic irregular bowel movements and constipation as a result of laxative abuse.
– Peptic ulcers and pancreatitis.
 
Health Consequences of Binge Eating Disorder: Binge eating disorder often results in
many of the same health risks associated with clinical obesity. Some of the potential health
consequences of binge eating disorder include:
– High blood pressure.
– High cholesterol levels.
– Heart disease as a result of elevated triglyceride levels.
– Type II diabetes mellitus.
– Gallbladder disease.
These are from the-National Eating Disorder Association

Personally, I have struggled with an eating disorder but it doesn't matter which one because the symptoms might be different but the outcome is still the same. It also can lead to triggering information for those in recovery that I am not going to post on here. I can however say, that I have been in and out of treatment all through high school including inpatient, residential, PHP, and outpatient...so every level of care out there. I have also been to 4 places for treatment because this disease is so hard to fight and it is one that at first I didn't completely have the energy to fight.  I can also say I have been out of Center for Change where I last was at for inpatient and day (PHP) treatment for 15 months and I have been free of ED behaviors since my discharge (and during because you can't get away with crap at CFC). That doesn't mean I still don't have my struggles but now I am getting to what are the root causes because after all the real problems are not the food. This disease for me was cause by several factors but one that I want to focus on tonight that was once unhealthy for me is now healthy and that is cheerleading/dancing. Cheerleading was one of the factors that contributed to my ED. Now I also do take responsibility for my actions but I also started cheering when I was nine years old so my responsibility level and awareness at that age and up til about 15 was not as strong. However, I acknowledge my choices and actions.  


Anyways, cheerleading is a sport that often puts a lot of emphasis on beauty and weight. Even at a young age we were told what to eat and not eat. What we should be weighing and that we needed to exercise everyday. Now I encourage healthy eating and exercise especially in children but I believe in intuitive eating and loving guidance from parents, not from cheer coaches. Well the thing is I kept cheering all throughout my childhood which was good in some ways, I made some friends and was active in school but also it was bad for my mental health. Did my parents know...well not really especially at first. I was just a "picky" eater. Well, eventually I had a mental breakdown and was physically unstable and needed help. My parents noticed too and got it for me and then evnetually I began to get better and healthier. Then that went downhill again after treatment. This happened a lot until Center for Change. Am I saying it won't happen again...most likely not...at least not for ED as for some of my other diagnoses I cannnot say but I am who I am. Taking one day at a time is all that I can do. 


About a month and a half ago I joined an adult community of cheerleaders forming here in Salt Lake. It is a all-volunteer adult cheer-for charity squad whose mission is to raise money for people living with HIV/AIDS, breast cancer and other life threatening conditions through the sport of cheerleading. As a proud member of the  PCA (Pride Cheerleading Association), we are composed of adults of all ages, body types, races, religions, genders, and sexual orientations. Cheer Salt Lake values the beautiful diversity our community offers and believes that together we will work hard to provide the most exhilarating crowd-pleasing performances so that we may help those in need. Each team of the Pride Cheerleading Association are hard working fundraisers for what we call ‘Cheer for Life.’ As a fundraising group who cheers, we seek to enhance the quality of life for those living with HIV/AIDS and other life threatening conditions by not only raising money for local charities, but by raising the spirits and hopes of the community and inspiring people to always strive for their personal best. Furthermore, we celebrate the beauty and diversity of all the members of our community. Eating disorders are also diseases that are life-threatening and are also so often connected to the sport of cheerleading. A study recently conducted of Division I and II college cheerleaders (both male and females) said that there were 33.1 percent had some risk of eating disorder characteristics and/or behaviors. Cheerleaders on teams with midriff uniforms were most disposed to body-image issues. Ok well midriff uniforms are being used in cheerleaders and dancers as young as 5 these days!!!! Also a lot of cheerleaders go on diets...diets don't work. Promise. If you want to learn more about your hunger/fullness and others get this book called Intuitive Eating  by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA.  It is the CFC Bible basically and an AMAZING book I think everyone should read honestly.



This time I am doing cheer with a whole new body basically. I am now nourished and my weight has definitely changed (FOR THE BETTER!!) and I am healthy. My mind is in a better place most practices and days and it allows my body to function and to do the things it needs to do. Has it presented challenges? Yes! I am having to re-learn previous skills that came quite easy for me especially my tumbling. I am also having to re-learn how to fly again being used to my body and aware of it and also how to base correctly again and building up muscle in the right areas. But this aspect that was once so unhealthy for me is now probably one of my best coping skills in recovery.



"There is no cure... (but)... there is a solution. That solution is recovery."-Jenni Schaefer

Stronger

These past 2 weeks or so have been insane to say the least...emotionally, physically, mentally with school and anyway you can name it. There has been one thing though that has kept me going and it has been being able to breathe and use my voice to get my needs met! For the longest time those are two things that I could never do and for many reasons it was best not to (the reasons why don't matter and are personal). But what didn't kill me made me stronger. I have been trying to balance being alone vs. isolation and stepping out of my bubble and still not pushing myself too much to where I will break. It is a very hard balancing act and tiring. It is hard when you add school, work, cheer and family/relationship. However, the thing is it doesn't matter if it is hard because it is worth it to fight and even if I fall I will be able to stand back up because I have done this before. I have done really really well and haven't engaged in any ED behaviors in over a year now and I was beginning to feel myself slipping and I reach out for help. I thought to myself, WHOA this is bad....wait no it isn't. It is ok to have the thoughts and whatnot as long as I reach out for help I am ok. So this song has been amazing for me lately and been keeping me going. I don't encourage isolation as being alone is different...and Communication with friends, family, partners and using and asking for support is key in recovery but alone time for me is the KEY too.

"What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"-Kelly Clarkson 

You know the bed feels warmer 

Sleeping here alone 

You know I dream in colour 

And do the things I want 

You think you got the best of me 

Think you had the last laugh

Bet you think that everything good is gone 

Think you left me broken down 

Think that I'd come running back 

Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

Stand a little taller

 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter 

Footsteps even lighter 

Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 

Just me, myself and I 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

Stand a little taller 

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 

You heard that I was starting over with someone new 

They told you I was moving on, over you 

 You didn't think that I'd come back 

I'd come back swinging

 You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

 Stand a little taller

 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter 

Footsteps even lighter

 Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 

Just me, myself and I 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

Stand a little taller

 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

 Thanks to you I got a new thing started 

Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted 

Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me

 You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning

 In the end... 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

Stand a little taller 

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter 

Footsteps even lighter 

Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

[2x] 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 

Just me, myself and I 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

Stand a little taller

 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Perspective

A new year and a new perspective. I don't know why but for me I seem to see life differently, in a more calm and open way. I don't feel controlling but I don't feel completely trusting (but there is some..HUGE). It isn't dissociating at all but it is nice. Nice to feel peace and calm not only with myself but with others because there has been no peace in my life really....it has been chaotic. There has been medical stuff I've had to deal with, family a little bit but nothing compared to the past, school started again which was way stressful, holidays came and went, and many more little things. The thing is I've been better at not letting the little things get to me as much at least. Reaching out for support has been a key reason. I have a few friends that I couldn't live without, nor Kelsey or my mom who have been AMAZING. My relationship with my parents have changed so much during my recovery process and especially since I moved out of the house and started college (ironic or not who knows). My relationship with my brother has gotten better which means so much to me especially because of my connection to now TWO nephews I adore and love.

So what do I want this new year to bring? Well I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions. I believe that life is a journey and I set goals that I can reach every day and usually they aren't goals I wish to attain in months but smaller ones or steps to larger ones. So this year I want to continue to stay behavior free and if I slip up to  be honest with 24 hours with someone (probably Kelsey). I want to stay out of treatment and hopefully no UNI due to stupid med changes but that isn't under my complete control but I can reach out for support...so I guess reach out for support when I need it is a goal and also to continue to learn how to trust others and be vulnerable. Finally I want to have fun and be me.  I can do it.

Recovery gives so much and Ed took away my life and I can say I have my life back but still have a ways to go. I will always have more to learn and grow. I am so thankful for my time I had at CFC, the many retreats in Nashville where I met amazing people that have changed my life for ever, my parents, family and last but never the least Kelsey. I know to treat each day as if it was my last because I know how fragile life is and how much there is to appreciate in life. I try to take each breath and love it no matter what is happening around me I know that I have the choice on what I want to do with my life. Ed doesn't control me anymore. I am free to be me and that is something I could never imagine. When he does pop up, occasionally, I can say, "To leave me be as you have no healthy purpose in my life." 

As I continue in school I am more amd more excited to become a psychologist one day and give back. My dreams are coming a reality. Only through recovery is it possible. It is the greatest feeling ever. Try with all your heart and you will get there in time. It is worth the wait.

What's happening?

It's been crazy lately an up and down battle more than usual. I've had stress from work and school probably more because of projects and final papers but it has surprised me that despite all of this I haven't given into behaviors. In ten days in will be a year since my discharge from Center for Change and this time last year I didn't feel ready to leave nor did honestly I feel like I would last long without relapsing or going back into treatment. I learned a lot at CFC and was stable, else they wouldn't have let me go, especially as my parents have POA over me still but I have made it. Yes, I've had a short setback last May but I got back on my feet. I am truly proud of myself. Ed has truly lost control over me. I don't hear him most days; about 80% of the time he isn't around. Ed is evil and he is still near and may be for a while but all I need to do is live with appropriate caution  as one of my dear friends, Thom has said. For years I never thought that this could happen, that there would be freedom. I am experiencing freedom. Yes, I still have much to work on as ED recovery is MUCH more than the food and behaviors. That's the tip of the iceberg. I need to work on my self-esteem and a few other personal things but I'm getting there each and every day. Step by step, hand in hand it is possible. It is happening. I never thought it could happen and when I thought it could I never imagined it to this extent.

As I get closer and closer to finishing school, I graduate next year. I feel more motivated to keep working hard as I will get to help others. This time next year I will be working with others in an internship/community placement. This is something that I am stoked for and as I am trying to figure out what I want to focus on, probably Ed or DBT with adolescents or PTSD. I know in order to help others, I have to help myself. I can do it.

I don't know if this is even making sense, but if anyone reads this, I just want to say there is hope and it does get better. I promise that if you keep at it and do what your treatment team tells you or focus on the goals (healthy of course) that you will get to freedom. It takes time but is possible. It happens. It is amazing and awesome. You are never alone and there are always people out there to support you. If there is will, there is a way. We are in this battle together. We all are, no matter if it's Ed, self-esteem or any addiction. We can do this. Keep going and don't give u

Dev

This is how I am....

This is just something that I needed to write. Maybe it is good or bad. It is what it is. Maybe you will enjoy it or not or maybe it it won't even get read by anyone but I write. It is what I like to do. So here it is. <3 Dev

Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall

Winter and Summer

That's all I need

The two extremes I know

I know it is black and white

But it is the colors that fit just right

Not in the gray as it seems so blury

How can it be bad

The gray is not bad nor good

It is just there and understood

I feel confused but focused

There is hope in the distance

I have come far 

But there is still a ways to go

But somehow today 

I don't feel hope in my heart

I feel okay not bad nor good

Maybe more blah, just not numb

I don't feel like I'm falling 

Just maybe here and now

This is how I am

This is how I feel

I shouldn't fight or judge it

Just let it be, just here and now

It isn't as easy said as done

But possible and possible

I should, I could

I will just do my best, I guess