he past few days (or weeks) have been really rough (see precious blog post) but today I had orientation at school...so it wasn't my orientation but I have to help put it on for all the new freshman and it felt like home. I just realized a lot today. I realized this time last year I was still struggling soo much Ed wise. I almost went to treatment and not college. MY parents and treatment team took a risk and trusted me. It was perhaps one of the best years of my life though.Recovery helped soo much. I realized that being in recovery was hard and sometime was the last thing I wanted to do but being with Ed was soooo much worse. I realized that I had to get out there and out of my comfort zone so i did. I joined a few clubs, and became a Senator in Student Government. I go to a small liberal arts college so I realized early on people also notice if you aren't doing well especially professors and admins...but you get even more notic'ed for your achievements. When I looked into some of the new freshmans' eyes I saw myself in a way...all confused but wxcited but unsure and wondering how do I fit in and what the hell did I just get myself into more school?? But I realized today I am still a little confused about what is going to happen this year....not living on campus and on my own with Kelsey (the best part I think)...how am I going to balance things this year even better since Ed is gone (mostly) and how am I going to continue to grow...I don't necessarily know the answers to these yet. I know I might still have doubts sometimes or I might get frustrated or overwhelmed and stressed but what I do know is a few things. 1. I don't use Ed anymore. 2. I have support 3. I know and will use it even though I am still somewhat stubborn. I am working on that too. I have kinda had an awakening that I can do this still. I know I can and I am doing it. It is also great to have a great mentor finally too. That is huge for me especially without a treatment team now (wooohoo cause I got this) in addition to all of the people that support me now...all in different relationships and in different ways.
I am still not very excited for the homework but I am for my classes. I am excited to meet new people especially the freshman cause not long ago I was one. I am excited to find what I need to do to push far beyond my comfort zone to give me a challenge but I also know not to have too high of expectations....another thing to work on. MY mentor really helped point that out to me. So I am working on that to lower them even more. I also realized I need to get back into my journaling...another homework assignment from my mentor. I usually have no problem the time is the issue so along with planning when I will eat I get to plan when to journal and when to do something good just for me. So that is soo good cause structure helps me especially since it is my positive structure and not ED's!!!! I feel like not only is my heart talking but it is working for me and not against me. My mind is very logical and reasoned as much as it will go at least. I finally feel that I am even more free than the freedom I have....still want more and will get it....but whenever it happens it will.
It is kinda hard cause for months now I haven't had to schedule meals or journaling or anything like that...I was doing it on my own and intuitively but I also had the support of my therapist too...mentor helped me with this as well when she called me...I now have to trust myself and teach myself how to do that without it and not lose all I have worked for (I won't). I know eventually I won't but if it helps me stay on track and ahead of Ed I will do it. I told myself a long long time ago I would do whatever it takes to recover no matter what. I am still holding myself to that and expectation I will not lower cause I will win this battle...this disease is not going to win...it's not as is...so why give it a break.
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