Is this it?

Hmmm I never felt that I would have gotten this far. I never felt I would have felt so free to be me and enjoy life but at the same time I feel so lost. For many years everyone was telling me to gain weight, eat regularly, open up and be honest, work hard on communication etc. So i did that I knew what to work for. I was told I would be able to trust and my heart that got broken would able to be healed. I was told I would be able to live without fear of food or the mirror and now I am not. I am not afraid of the mirror, number, or whatever. I know I achieved so much in recovery and have come far. I have honestly never felt so happy either. I finally can look in the mirror and smile. I can look right into fear and face Ed. I can talk back to Ed pretty much on a dime. I can do all this. But I still feel somewhat lost. I know who I am and who i am not. i don't define myself by ed or anything like that. I can trust people and even learning to trust myself but I don't know if it can get any better. i know i will not let it get worse.

I have fought too long and hard to fall back. granted I can't predict the future so I have a plan in place but still. I kinda feel like I don't know what to expect now. I feel that I don't really have anyone that I can relate to that has been doing well and all that. Behaviors have been controlled for nearly a year with a minor slip up here or there but nothing major. I have had major gains if anything. I don't know what to do exactly. I know I still got to work on staying consistent especially with school that started again. I know I should lower my expectations some for myself..but I don't expect perfection. I feel kind of stuck in a way. things are good and there isn't really anything major. Yes, I still need and use some support and I have an amazing mentor, family and friends who help with that but I also do a lot on my own (maybe too much). A lot of this doesn't even make sense to me so I don't know if it makes sense at all.

I sometimes wonder if there will ever be a day or a month that I won't have some kind of struggle or have to think about this or that to keep things good. I don't know where to go from here or if things will get better even. I don't know what to expect of myself really. It is hard cause I need to know. I want to know and I am determined to find out. i know I am not at the end of the road and not recovered period but is this it? Is this as far as i will go? I in know way doubt that people can do it and not feel like I am and go further I just don't know if it will happen for me. I am not saying it is possible but things have been good for so long and nothing has really changed for the worse so is this what I always dreamed and hoped for? I am just confused. Granted, I am VERY grateful and appreciate soo much of what I have and gained but i don't know. I just want to know and soon cause I am not very patient. Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts or been where I am and gone further idk? I would really appreciate it.

<3 Devyn