Definition

For a long while now close to 10 or 11 months I have been very solid in recovery. I have had to work years to get where I am so Ed and my struggles have always been apart of me even when I separated. I separated myself first from Ed that was easier said then done. I was always blaming myself for Ed and making it all me that was the problem. But the truth is separating from Ed makes recovery a hell of a lot easier. I found out that really I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this and I had to change my relationship with Ed. Again easier said than done but I did it. Ed now pops up here in there but it is few and far between. Ed doesn't really have control anymore, well not over food at least but he can still manage to try to bully me. I talk back and win usually (may take a while).

Then I began defining myself by the struggles I have had and though I was/am experiencing a lot of freedom from Ed and finding out who I am without Ed I haven't really thought about it in a while. I am still figuring out how to life this new beginning. this new life of freedom is something I never dreamed would actually happen. I all of a sudden have so much time instead of appointments and therapy etc I now have those hours and days to myself. It has been kind of a challenge to actually get out and not isolate and do things. I have had to learn to trust myself and others. I have had to find out what I want to do and just do it. I am still learning what to do and how to live this life.

One thing that has really helped me is I have participated in Thom Rutledge's and Jules Merryman's Beyond Eating Disorder workshops. I have really gotten a lot out of those. Mostly a good reminder on how to stay separate and even more finding and healing my inner child. Cumberland Furnace, the place it is held, is now my safe place. I really love that workshop and been wanting to go back but at the same time I feel like I should try and trust myself and see what I can do. As much as I LOVE seeing everyone there and meeting even more people I have decided not to go to the next one in an effort to reconnect and first of all find what the hell I need to work on now. I feel I am in a very awesome place and finally away from Ed but now I am having to find me and define me. I have had so much turmoil lately inside of my head with this decision and was emailing some people for support on what to do even. Thom last night gave me a really good reply in that I need to define myself and find out who I am and what I need to do next. What is my comfort zone and how do I push out of it. Right now I don't really know but it inspired this blog post.

I know freedom is possible and that I am strong and have accomplished so much. I know I also have a lot more to accomplish and many opportunities in my life are still to come. I know that I am caring and love to help others, often I rather help others than myself. I have had to learn to balance that and take care of myself first cause that is more important. I know I am dedicated in all that I do and especially to recovery. I also know that if I start to struggle I have to ask for help and I have a plan in place even. I know I love to dance, color, act, and run (of course healthy). I know I have a beautiful personality and am beautiful, but I still have those days where I want to hide. I know that I am imperfect and that perfection doesn't exist. I know I am not "recovered (period)" but I know I am close and will get there. I know I am not completely independent either. I love to be outdoors and try new things. But I am also still learning how to trust. I am in no way always doing well, but I also have done very well. I know and believe that anyone can recover, but occasionally I doubt my potential. I sometimes don't know what to do with myself or my life and lose hope but then I know I am usually thinking in black and white and need to find the gray area. I know I have to be flexible and change but sometimes it is the thing I rather not do and get scared. I know sometimes I am fearful but I know I can also ask for help and overcome it. I guess I am Devyn and do know who I am. I know I need to look into my heart a little more, trust that and my gut. I know I still got to reach out and get out there. I know isolation just is bad period.

SO maybe I can define myself but it is just complicated but I think I am alright with that as long as I keep practicing and moving forward. A few bumps are bound to happen but life is a journey right? Recovery is hard sometimes but is possible and worth it. Freedom is possible.