someday perhaps...

I have no clue but I do know is that I need to write...
I guess a lot has been going on lately. Maybe more than in past years but less in others. I guess sometimes I wonder what my purpose on this world is? I know I have one and that I know everything I go through is related to that but other than that it is a mystery. I just like to know things but I don't have to (but it bugs me not to). I like to be around people more than in the past and I like who I am for the most part. I like who I am becoming and that I am finding myself more. Although sometimes when I question things or just don't know, like tonight, I wish things were different. I don't know if any of this is even making sense. I don't know if it even makes sense to me. This is just...well I don't know.

I guess there are some things that can change. I guess there are things with myself and others that could be better or that I could understand. There could always be more communication but sometimes I doubt it will ever. I don't have unreasonable expectations really for myself or others anymore, if anyone it would be more myself. I just there is something inside me that just isn't right...it wants to make me cry and I wish I knew what that was. I really do but I also don't even want to know. What if it is something I don't want to handle?

I know I have others around me that support, love, and would be here for me. I know I can make it through anything I need to. I am no way going to give up on myself, my life, others or this journey. I know things are pretty good overall. Maybe I am just thinking too much or is it not enough? Grr this really does irritate me a little though. I hate it when my mind keeps running, especially with this and more negative stuff, it never seems to want to shut off. It is nearly midnight and not really tired yet I have a class and a presentation in 10 hours. I just wish..idk perhaps someday I will know... :( just feeling well idk how i feel....omg another question...

how do i feel? i guess idk. well i know it isn't bad but it isn't necessarily good either. I know things could be better but they have been much worse in the past. i am kinda sad but still kinda content but not happy. I feel sore and crappy physically. I kinda feel optimistic right now but also questioning and curious as well. I am kinda nervous and anxious but still have a sense of calmness. If I could put it in one word or got this question by my therapist perhaps I would say mixed. Grr this is annoying as well.