I have had some of the best couple weeks but in a sense they have also been some of the worst in a few weeks. I have felt myself slowly slipping back into the old mind set and more. I have felt myself losing the motivation to fight. I feel a lot of this is due to all the medical stuff I have had to deal with. My Ed is literally killing me slowly and causing more and more problem (or they are now just showing up) months and even years after I have been pretty stable and not engaging in behaviors...yeah the very occasional slips but recovery isn't perfect and neither am I. I have ask myself so many times "why try when it is never enough?" I still somewhat feel that but I also know that I have come far and have accomplished so much. I have survived myself. I can't give up. As much as my brain, Ed and even body is telling me too I can't.

I really need to keep fighting. I don't want to lose the freedom. I know I should not be isolating like I am now. I know i have the support and access to more. I am scared though. I am scared that there is nothing more to fight for. I know there is no destination but it is hard. I feel empty inside and I feel nothing else. I wish I could cry. I wish I could just know why I feel like this. I am confused and somewhat lost. I feel I might need more help again but many were so proud when I was able to end therapy that i can't go back. I still don't think I am that bad but maybe I should. I don't want to go downhill and for once I am realizing it...so maybe since I realize it I won't go further downhill? Everyone was confident in the choice to end it that I have the tools, support, skills etc blah blah blah. I still believe I do...but I have also been soo low lately further than ever in a long time. I don't know what to do. I am hanging on by a thread that I DON'T want to break. I want to stay on this journey of life and even more recovery. i don't want to go downhill I want to stop it but I feel I can't. i am losing control and I know it. But I am going to gain it back. I said a long time ago and promised myself that I will do "whatever it takes, no matter what to recover." I don't want to break that. I hope i don't. I'm well...idk...