I want...I need...I will do...

I am really struggling. I am done denying that. I am sinking and falling faster than ever, even in my past, but this time I am noticing it. I am fighting...well trying my hardest to not fall. I am trying to find a reason to fight for myself but I am holding on to those that love me. I don't want to hurt them. I want to find the real me that has been hidden. I know I am slowly exploding and it is only a matter of time...but I hope it doesn't come.

I love Westminster and everyone there sooo much. It has changed my life and school keeps me sane...well mostly. I know being busy is the way I cope...well least harmful. I know that I have slipped into old behaviors...which isn't good. Even if it is easy...I have never been one to take the easy way out...why start now. I am going to fight. I know people love me...deep down I know I am worth it...I just can't feel it now.

It is hard because so many people look up to me. I am the one doing well and making strides and I can't let people down. I am trying to find out what I need to do. I know I need more help but asking for it is hard (even though I asked and got it last week). I feel I should be better now not worse after a week. It is just so hard. So many things are running though my brain. I don't want to hide. I want to be happy or at least I think somewhere in me does. I know I have work that needs to be done. I always say I will do whatever takes, I should live up to what I say. I should take the advice I give others. The advice that says to keep fighting and this journey is worth it. You're not all....but somehow I feel so alone. I am doing what I need to. I am at least being honest with Kelsey and with my parents. I know people care and just want to help me. I am just stubborn and don't want to leave. I don't want to leave what I have now. I feel i am not strong enough and will fall apart.

Somehow, some way, I know that something needs to change within me. I need to fight, and I will. As hard as it is, I have come to far to give up, even though I want to...I won't. I will fight. I will do it NO MATTER WHAT.

I can't believe I am saying that. I really do swing back and fourth with this right now but I am holding on. I want freedom. I will do this...it just may take some time...I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know that and I will try to not just fix it but solve it and find new ways..healthier ones. not ones that only last so long. Don't get me wrong, I know i have succeeded in doing a lot. i know that i have come further than anyone thought possible..but I got a ways to go. I am scared. I don't want to be scared of life or myself. I want to be healthy and happy. I will....eventually, I hope.

Others love me. I love others and those that have been there for me. If I gave up I would be hurting people and I promised never to do that. I need and will fight. Even if I am scared I will hold on for others....until I can do it for myself. I have moments where I am truly good but having more rough spots lately. I don't want to burden others or make them take care of me... I need to be able to do it. Even as much as I am hating writing this...I somewhat wish I was in denial or taking the easy way out. It would be easier.

Just sometimes people don't understand, like my parents, it isn't always a quick fix. you can't always just snap out of it or change it. It isn't as easy and we all know that. I wish people in my life would understand a little bit more. I know they don't have to but I feel soo alone. Even though I am not alone. i feel somewhat like it. I have soooo many conflicting feelings and thoughts. i am tired of the war...I want it to end...I want peace.