Hiccup and moving right along

A lot has been happening..good and bad occurred in the past two weeks. I was starting to slip into old behaviors, getting overwhelmed by stress and all that I have going on. But at the same time I was still having some good in my life. I was reaching out for support instead of being stubborn. I was using my CBT and DBT skills along with other skills....but it wasn't enough. So I even reached out to Kelsey, some friends and eventually my parents...not quite enough either but what all these skills and supports did do is keep me acting on my negative thoughts, Evil Ed, my depression and kept me safe.

It was very hard to admit I was struggling and even harder admitting I needed intensive help fast. It was hard because part of it was out of my control, by that i mean my medications needed a big change. I knew that a long time ago that if they needed change it may have had to happen anyways. I asked for support and i got it. I needed to go inpatient to get a boost. It was hard I stayed out of inpatient for about 2 years, which is still an accomplishment, but I needed to do it for myself and my health. I wasn't going to give up on this...or myself. I have to much that I love. Too much to lose to give up. As much as my thoughts kept telling me that was my only option it wasn't and my supports helped remind me of that.

I was quite a process trying to get me back in to my old treatment center...there was a waiting list for like a day so I ended up going to the hospital then to another place for 12 hours which was hell and then to UNI where I have gone for most of my treatment the past few years. I was kind of surprised I was begging for help and to go back because i know what works. I know it helps and it did. It was hard though to. Last time i was still a minor and was on the youth unit this time I was on the adult side as i am 19. It was still good...it was amazing at how much things changed by just changing my meds. It was even more amazing that my just taking a short break and focusing on myself and what I needed how much that helped me too. My treatment team there was AWESOME and kept telling me this is just a little "hiccup" and nothing more. That I did the right thing and would be out in no time. Well i was...this whole thing was only about 4 days total. It was my shortest stay ever but one of ones that helped me the most.

While I was in there i thought about how far I have come these past 4 years but I also still have a ways to go. I am emerging into adulthood still. I am going back into therapy with one of my therapists I haven't seen in a while and she and I work very well. So that will be good and still at this point I will do whatever it takes to stay on this path...no matter what this journey throws at me I will live and have a happy, free and successful life.

No matter how hard things get or if I went back inpatient to get a boost I know that i am worth it. I know that i am going to be healthy. I also know I did the right thing and i am proud of myself even though it was very hard. I know I have a ways to go but I don't discount my past either. I believe I can do this. I am so grateful I have those in my life that helped me when I asked for help. I asked for support and I got it...what a concept lol. It took me long enough to grasp it lol :)

I have the tools, support, skills and everything necessary to succeed. I know i will do that. I believe it and my heart does as well. I can and will do this.